Bipolar check-in # 66

I had an embarrassing time today. I don't show my family paranoia or any psychotic-ish symptoms if I can possibly avoid it and I don't think anyone thinks much of those parts of my illness. But today it all came out.

My mom had a plumber at the house doing some work. It was 90 degrees out and we have a dog that can't be around anyone but us so he was in the dog yard where he was continuing to run around and bark despite the heat.

My mom and I had been listening to a podcast and sitting on the couch. She got up and said soemthing about the plumber just needing to turn the water back on. I was playing a game on my phone and didn't think much of it. Except 20 minutes later she still hadn't re-appeared and when I tried to wash my hands the water was still off even though I knew I'd heard the plumber drive off. So I started looking everywhere for her. I couldn't find her anywhere. By now I was getting really scared and convinced the plumber had kidnapped her. I didn't know what to do so I called my sister who tried to calm me down, suggesting places she might be but she wasn't in any of them. I triedi the plumber's boss to see if he had checked in but the boss didn't pick up (thank God). I kept looking and looking and then the plumber reappeared. I asked if he knew where she was; he didn't. I copied his license plate # just in case although by then I was really confused. My sister told me to try calling my aunt before I called the police but I walked out toward the dog yard one more time before I did and that's where my mom was. All that time she had been with the dog. Somehow when I'd looked back there she'd been in different areas than I was looking and she hadn't heard me calling for her.

So now it's all funny (except I am so embarrassed) and everything was fine.


I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time.

My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Beth, what about the place you go for meds? Didn't you say they do therapy there too? I could be remembering that wrong. I'm so sorry that things just aren't easy for you lately. And I know you need sleep which makes it all worse. Can Dr B refer you somewhere or your pdoc?

Thank you for the flowers, Rainbow


Yes, there are therapists where I get meds. The 2 who are around my age are both women. Working with a man is so much easier for me. But, who knows...that clinic might be where I find a T.

I'm wondering about referrals, too. I guess Dr. B., from his general tone, thinks I'll continue to see Mary. He said he's "just crazy about" her (everyone there is), and that she cares a lot about me...it's just that her health is "fragile." He said I'm an example of a client who the clinic admin should listen to, but they just don't hire enough clinicians, he said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Oh, Beth! Here’s a whole bunch of daisies for you, 🌻 🌻 🌻

Thank you, dear Nammu.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow ...... I hate this stupid illness that twists reality and leads to so much misunderstanding and embarrassment over things that seemed perfectly logical at the time. My therapist appointment was cancelled this week because of the holiday but I have my pdoc Thursday. So I'll get some help (I've also had tactile hallucinations of bugs on my skin the last few days) soon. I hope she doesn't make me up my clozaril dose as that makes me so sleepy although it does take away the bad stuff. Ugh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have this crappy illness.

The same to you.

PS I prefer male therapists too. I've had 2 therapists who have been very, very good (one for most of 4 yeras, the other for 16 years) and both were the same age. So if someone asks what I want in a therapist I want a male 19 years older than me. That shouldn't be a problem when current therapist retires and I'm 50something....

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow The same to you. PS I prefer male therapists too. I've had 2 therapists who have been very, very good (one for most of 4 yeras, the other for 16 years) and both were the same age. So if someone asks what I want in a therapist I want a male 19 years older than me. That shouldn't be a problem when current therapist retires and I'm 50something....

Exactly. My first "serious" therapist was 16 years older. I remember that I gave him a card when he turned 50. I thought he was getting up there. Now I'm 59, ha. At some point I'm going to have to settle for a T who is just my age...or a year younger

Oh Jennifer I’m sending love and prayers for you and your family.

Please stay safe and reach out for any help you need

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

@BeyondtheRainbow, I'm sorry you had such a scare, but please try not to be embarrassed. If you can, put that incident behind you. It is good that you will see your pdoc to address the psychosis. It does suck when our sickness shows itself more again, but that's the nature of the beast. Hugs

@*Beth*, how lousy that you must find another mental healthcare provider again! Is this the therapist that has been cancelling on you a lot, lately? If so, then it would be nice if you find one that's more reliable. I don't think mental healthcare providers fully understand the effects some of their behavior has on us.

@Miguel'smom, I'm sad to read that Miguel's transition to a place of his own has been so rocky. It's a shame he stopped taking his meds. One can only assume that has played an extra part in his difficulties. Stopping meds always brought extreme chaos for me.

Beth I’m going to go out and have a big ole scream fest for you since no one will hear me. Girl your due a big fat giant break.

Rainbow. I am so sorry you got so scared. But honestly I bet anyone would panic’d if they couldn’t find family. Try not to beat yourself up. Sorry R session landed on a holiday.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm feeling a little anxiety in a "calm before the storm" situation. We'll leave for our France trip in just over one week. Hubby and I also suspect something's up with our landlady. Perhaps it isn't the case, but we think she may be splitting from her long-time partner and may want to give us three months notice so he can live in the house. If this is true, it will be just fine, but such "notice" would feel better from us than from her. We see her tomorrow to then know how quickly our move to France may be. Either way, it's a matter of months, not years.

This summer will be busy! We also have my husband's old American work friend staying in our city in July and perhaps two other of his past work friends visiting during that time. Some additional trips may happen during that period, including as far away as Budapest.

My nephew in the US has been in a psych hospital for quite a while now and will stay another 2 weeks. Apparently he decided to get the ECT and has had a few treatments already. He told my Sis that after he gets out he'll go to an IOP and then may start TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I've never heard of anyone going straight from ECT to TMS.

Thought I was feeling better but No!!! I’m really down today my head is very “ loud” ugh !

I told Steve I’m really struggling. Just wanted to give him a heads up. So he’s worried.

Maybe this is just post prednisone garbage. I’m just praying I feel better tomorrow! I don’t have time for “ Bipolar” garbage right now.

Hugs friends

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I realized that at least I have a reason for the psychosis. I generally have one episode a year in mid-late summer. This year I may be getting it early because my mood has been a little up from being on more AD than usual. This last week I tapered my AD down to normal so my brain has a reason to feel something is off and with summer imminent I have a feeling it just jumped into the summer episode early. Or I'll have 2 this summer. Last summer I missed it so perhaps my brain thinks it's a good idea to do this twice this summer.

I'm just trying to accept that I need a pulse of clozaril to stop this, assuming things don't stop on their own.

Rainbow 🌈 and Beth I'm sorry.

I'm going to talk to my therapist about getting off meds. I can't loose weight on meds. And I don't think meds are helping. Plus they can cause brain damage. I don't want brain damage. I don't think I'm going to get my shot before I talk to my therapist.

Yeah that's funny I prefer females even though my current on is male and for once I am ok but he is only the 3rd male I have delt with in like 26 years.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

I’m feeling pretty good this morning. I’ve been grieving normally but I’m happy brother is free of physical pain and mental illness now. We went to the funeral home yesterday and planned the visitation for Sunday with the service immediately after and the graveside service for Monday. We had to wait so long for brother’s favorite minister and friend to be available. That’s okay. It gives me time to grow stronger and pull it together. Mom is fragile but we’re with her around the clock.

I had an emergency therapy session yesterday and my med provider is calling in some additional support for me. I think I’m okay. We’ve been so busy that I haven’t made it to the pool. I hope to get there by Friday. It’s been in the 90’s here so the water will feel good.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

I 100% do NOT want to go to program today. I’m so tired. I got back from my walk a half hour ago and I feel like going back to sleep. I hate seroquel. But I can’t sleep without it apparently, so I’m considering stopping the gabapentin and just taking the small dose of seroquel and seeing how that goes. Maybe taking it way earlier. I took it late last night.

Money is going to be VERY tight this month, RS has to pay his vehicle insurance. And I’m still not working, and I don’t know if I’ll be at the same job next year because I don’t know if the outside disability company will approve my disability because it’s taken me so long to get the paperwork together. I might have to call and try to appeal again but they probably won’t let me. See if I had just had someone able to do it for me when I was sick I wouldn’t be in this mess. Again it goes back to needing help and no one helping me. I’m TIRED.

We have to go to my nieces birthday party on Saturday and I really don’t want to. They live 45 minutes away so that’s a lot of gas, they have a TINY townhouse, they got a big puppy for some reason, she’s not trained yet so she’s jumpy and Barky. CR doesn’t like bigger dogs. In top of all that their house is FILTHY and cluttered and I can’t stand it. It reminds me of my mom’s. I wish they would just come here, I’d be more amenable. Plus I really have no energy for my SIL, love her to death but she keeps coming to me saying she’s going to harm herself and there’s really nothing I can do. I want her to talk to a professional but she won’t for some reason. I’m not a therapist I can’t handle this.

Ugh I’m just not in a good mood.

Of course I did not think that you were going to lie to him. I have not understood that he worked at the same office as your T Mary. I thought he was totally new to you. I only wanted to help.

@Soupe du jour his medication isn't for paranoia. He doesn't feel he can talk to his doctor about it. His meds are for mood and ADHD. He says it's just loneliness. He doesn't want to go back because he loses insurance in a month.

My moods appear to be cycling or that’s how grief hits. I picked a beautiful song for his service Diamond Rio’s One More Day that leaves me in floods of tears. I feel sad and all alone even surrounded by family. Things are dark. My med provider hasn’t sent in a med for me yet. I need it. I hope things start looking up. I’m sure they will. Just really down right now.