Bipolar check-in # 66

*Beth* · May 26, 2022 at 10:24 PM

I feel miserable. In one place I lived I had a closet and when I needed time out I'd crawl into that closet and huddle up in there for 10 minutes or so. That was when the kids were very young - oh, I never hid unless David was there, too, to watch the kids. They'd be playing with him or watching TV. No one ever found me in that closet; they just figured I went for a walk or was in the yard. I'm come out of the closet feeling grounded and much less tired.

I wish I had that closet to crawl into right now. I just feel so, so sad. I feel so sad that I don't even feel the energy to feel self-destructive.

It's absolutely ridiculous to feel this way because my therapist can't accept her own limitations. And because whoever her supervisor is doesn't say, Hmmm...maybe our patients are being hurt by this situation.

This is like a relationship in which I keep returning to my abuser. It's effing sick anymore. I just want to disappear off the earth.

Victoria'smom · May 26, 2022 at 10:41 PM

@*Beth* Thank-you I am not going to repeat last night again.

Possible trigger:

I'm so just done. I'm not suicidal, not really, thought about it but won't due to the chance of being hospitalized. Plus all sharp objects are up and pills away. I have a headache (lack of food/water)

Just generally in a bad mood. I need to eventually shower, do laundry and daily adult ****. I just want to stay in bed, hiding from my kitchen. I ate today so that's positive. I don't understand these feelings. I give up on today. I'm going to bed. Goodnight See you all tomorrow.

*Beth* · May 26, 2022 at 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I was forced to move on from a prior therapist because she moved to Europe. I had 4 weeks notice. I was a mess for the whole time but liked the first therapist I tried out; I cancelled the other try-out I was supposed to do. But I was so afraid that I wouldn't do well with the new therapist. I also thought it was temporary and that in 4 years when the first therapist came back from Europe I'd go back to her (she returned but not to the therapy center). But it's been 16 years and this therapist is so much better for me. The other one and I spent way too much time talking about cats. With this man I've made progress.

If you don't want a closure session you can decline. And just smile and say "hi" pleasantly if you encounter her. She's not going to be mad at you if she is even a half-good therapist. She has to know she's not providing adequate treatment and she should be referring you on. She knows you've been struggling lately right?

I just can't imagine my therapist missing 50% or more of our sessions. It would be a no-go for me although I do understand not wanting to change a good thing. I guess you have to figure out what "good thing" means to you.

Thank you, Rainbow. Your perspective is very helpful to me. It's interesting, and ultimately wonderful, that you ended up really progressing with your second therapist.

I saw a therapist many years ago, was in therapy with him for 6 years. Neither he nor I ever missed sessions. And I mean never; only for his August 2 week vacation. That was through the Veteran's Admin. One day I went in for my usual session - I still remember - Tuesdays at 11 a.m. - and on almost no notice he had been stationed to an entirely different part of the country. We never had a chance to have any closure, at all. That session was our last. It took a long time before I was able to pick up the pieces. But, I had learned a tremendous lot in that therapy, and I made use of it.

One big problem with my therapy with Mary is that she keeps telling me I've made so much progress. Well, yeah, I've made some. A little bit. But every time she says it I want to say, "How could I make REAL progress when every time I start to work on something you disappear for weeks or months?"

It would be amazing to work with a T and make true progress.

Yes, she certainly knows I've been struggling. She thinks that I'll be okay until she gets back if I see 1 or 2 of her colleagues in the meantime. That's what she tells herself. I honestly think she'll be shocked and upset if I leave.

Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to agree to a closure session. That would be poison to me.

*Beth* · May 26, 2022 at 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

@*Beth* Thank-you I am not going to repeat last night again.

Possible trigger:

I'm so just done. I'm not suicidal, not really, thought about it but won't due to the chance of being hospitalized. Plus all sharp objects are up and pills away. I have a headache (lack of food/water)

Just generally in a bad mood. I need to eventually shower, do laundry and daily adult ****. I just want to stay in bed, hiding from my kitchen. I ate today so that's positive. I don't understand these feelings. I give up on today. I'm going to bed. Goodnight See you all tomorrow.

I'm sending you love, my friend.

Victoria'smom · May 26, 2022 at 10:48 PM

Beth

please talk to the interim therapist about it write it if you can. I'm so sorry your T isn't healthy and available to you. I know you don't want to start over but think about it, please. This isn't therapeutic anymore.

otroo · May 27, 2022 at 12:32 AM

I had a great trip with my dad and daughter this last week it was a like 3500 mile foodie roadtrip we ate bbq for like 6 meals it was great. I had no alone time on this trip but I was ok with that it really took my mind off of my wife. I did not cry that entire trip. I am home since yesterday afternoon I had some depression but not bad. Now today has been different I have been crying since this afternoon but I am ok with that. I'm not sobbing when I cry just some nice tears. This depression is not as bad s it had been im crying but it actually feels good maybe even healthy. One thing I am happy about is that I have not had nightmares for a couple of weeks now.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

*Beth* · May 27, 2022 at 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Beth please talk to the interim therapist about it write it if you can. I'm so sorry your T isn't healthy and available to you. I know you don't want to start over but think about it, please. This isn't therapeutic anymore.

Thank you so, so much. Writing about how I feel is a great idea. I could give it to him, rather than go through the hell of reading it myself. He'll probably read it aloud like your T did, but if I read it I'll cry and I hate crying.

You've said it perfectly...no. It isn't therapeutic anymore. It's traumatizing me and causing me to feel self-destructive. It's crazy-making.

I hope you are having a good sleep by now.

*Beth* · May 27, 2022 at 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by otroo

I had a great trip with my dad and daughter this last week it was a like 3500 mile foodie roadtrip we ate bbq for like 6 meals it was great. I had no alone time on this trip but I was ok with that it really took my mind off of my wife. I did not cry that entire trip. I am home since yesterday afternoon I had some depression but not bad. Now today has been different I have been crying since this afternoon but I am ok with that. I'm not sobbing when I cry just some nice tears. This depression is not as bad s it had been im crying but it actually feels good maybe even healthy. One thing I am happy about is that I have not had nightmares for a couple of weeks now.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

That trip sounds amazing! Makes me hungry, lol.

You should be really proud of yourself for working so hard and taking the steps to deal with your grief.

otroo · May 27, 2022 at 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

That trip sounds amazing! Makes me hungry, lol.

You should be really proud of yourself for working so hard and taking the steps to deal with your grief.

Thank you I appreciate it. It was really fun and it was a good bonding time with my daughter.

Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

Sunflower123 · May 27, 2022 at 04:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I feel miserable. In one place I lived I had a closet and when I needed time out I'd crawl into that closet and huddle up in there for 10 minutes or so. That was when the kids were very young - oh, I never hid unless David was there, too, to watch the kids. They'd be playing with him or watching TV. No one ever found me in that closet; they just figured I went for a walk or was in the yard. I'm come out of the closet feeling grounded and much less tired.

I wish I had that closet to crawl into right now. I just feel so, so sad. I feel so sad that I don't even feel the energy to feel self-destructive.

It's absolutely ridiculous to feel this way because my therapist can't accept her own limitations. And because whoever her supervisor is doesn't say, Hmmm...maybe our patients are being hurt by this situation.

This is like a relationship in which I keep returning to my abuser. It's effing sick anymore. I just want to disappear off the earth.

Thinking of you. Sending comforting vibes and gentle hugs.

Sunflower123 · 04:50 AM

My daughter called last night and called off the Florida trip less than 3 days before we were to leave. It’s a blow.

My ex-boyfriend who became my best friend savaged me last night. It was a blow. I should have known. Enough of you warned me not to go that route. I ended the friendship. Good riddance. I was his only friend. There is a reason for that. I have too much self respect and too much self love to be treated like that.

I’m proud of myself. I’ve grown stronger in 3 months. There is some pain but I’m not falling apart like I was 3 months ago. I’m also taking Florida in stride. My daughter is coming for a long weekend to see me and we’ll plan a longer trip for later in the summer. I’ll just get myself ready and go float my cares away at the pool Saturday. To heck with this nonsense.

Hugs to all

*Beth* · May 27, 2022 at 05:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My daughter called last night and called off the Florida trip less than 3 days before we were to leave. It’s a blow.

My ex-boyfriend who became my best friend savaged me last night. It was a blow. I should have known. Enough of you warned me not to go that route. I ended the friendship. Good riddance. I was his only friend. There is a reason for that. I have too much self respect and too much self love to be treated like that.

I’m proud of myself. I’ve grown stronger in 3 months. There is some pain but I’m not falling apart like I was 3 months ago. I’m also taking Florida in stride. My daughter is coming for a long weekend to see me and we’ll plan a longer trip for later in the summer. I’ll just get myself ready and go float my cares away at the pool Saturday. To heck with this nonsense.

Hugs to all

Oh, Jennifer. I am so sorry about the Florida trip. What a rotten disappointment. BUT - yes! You should be very proud of yourself

May 27, 2022 at 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I ask many of the same questions and have not yet discovered answers.

I am very concerned about you not having a therapist. Are there therapy services available that are low cost or free?

Sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. It is hard! I don't know about specific places to find a low cost therapist, but you can try to google online-therapy. If you are lucky they will come up with prices for a session. That makes you able to see if you can afford it.

Good luck!

May 27, 2022 at 05:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Today is a 5 out of 10 day. 4 more hours till bed.

I send a lot of hugs your way!

May 27, 2022 at 06:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

*sigh* I'm angry. And I'm hurt. I mean, damn. She could shoot me a short email and let me know she's thinking of me and hopes to be well soon. Something. A tidbit.
.

Yes, she could!

May 27, 2022 at 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

Thank you, Rainbow. Your perspective is very helpful to me. It's interesting, and ultimately wonderful, that you ended up really progressing with your second therapist.

I saw a therapist many years ago, was in therapy with him for 6 years. Neither he nor I ever missed sessions. And I mean never; only for his August 2 week vacation. That was through the Veteran's Admin. One day I went in for my usual session - I still remember - Tuesdays at 11 a.m. - and on almost no notice he had been stationed to an entirely different part of the country. We never had a chance to have any closure, at all. That session was our last. It took a long time before I was able to pick up the pieces. But, I had learned a tremendous lot in that therapy, and I made use of it.

One big problem with my therapy with Mary is that she keeps telling me I've made so much progress. Well, yeah, I've made some. A little bit. But every time she says it I want to say, "How could I make REAL progress when every time I start to work on something you disappear for weeks or months?"

It would be amazing to work with a T and make true progress.

Yes, she certainly knows I've been struggling. She thinks that I'll be okay until she gets back if I see 1 or 2 of her colleagues in the meantime. That's what she tells herself. I honestly think she'll be shocked and upset if I leave.

Thank you for reminding me that I don't have to agree to a closure session. That would be poison to me.

It's OK to feel grief over the loss over a therapist. Sometimes it helps to schedule a "me-hour" in the evenings to feel the grief. It is just a suggestion, but a few "me-hours" a week can make it possible to function in other areas at day time. It makes life go forward.

Best wishes!

Mountaindewed · May 27, 2022 at 06:57 AM

I'm pretty nauseated and lightheaded this morning. I woke up around 1 with throat pain and a weird wet cough with some mucus stuck in it. So I had to get that out. I stayed up until almost 3 and then I got back to sleep for just under an hour. I got my weekly shot yesterday and I bled a lot through 2 bandaids including a huge one. The blood had clotted this morning. It made a gross splatting sound in the shower. and I don't know if bleeding that much is normal. I mean I know bleeding that much isn't normal but I don't know if I did the shot wrong and thats where the nausea and lightheadness is coming from or if its the thyroid stuff. Luckily I see my doctor in a few hours and he can tell us what went wrong and look at my arm. My arm hurts and it never hurts after the shot. I also keep choking and coughing on my spit which is for sure thyroid stuff.

May 27, 2022 at 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My daughter called last night and called off the Florida trip less than 3 days before we were to leave. It’s a blow.

My ex-boyfriend who became my best friend savaged me last night. It was a blow. I should have known. Enough of you warned me not to go that route. I ended the friendship. Good riddance. I was his only friend. There is a reason for that. I have too much self respect and too much self love to be treated like that.

I’m proud of myself. I’ve grown stronger in 3 months. There is some pain but I’m not falling apart like I was 3 months ago. I’m also taking Florida in stride. My daughter is coming for a long weekend to see me and we’ll plan a longer trip for later in the summer. I’ll just get myself ready and go float my cares away at the pool Saturday. To heck with this nonsense.

Hugs to all

Jennifer, a really big, big HUG to you. I am angry at your behalf!

To treat you that way is ugly and may be it's right to call it evil as well!

I have been on many vacations on my own, on bus trips. I have seen almost most of Europe. May be you should search for such a bus trip reasonable to join from you living place? Google for it. If you join such a trip you and your fellow "trippers" will be taken well care of on the tour. You visit nice places and everything whit meals and hotels are already fixed for you. A side effect of such a trip is a growing in the feeling of self worth. If the cruise prices are low, may be that can be an idea as well?

It seems rigt to end the relationship with your friend.

You need to set borders/bounaries for your daugter. She cannot treat you this way! If you haven't read it from before, may be this book will be of help: "Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - To Take Control of Your Life (2017) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

They have written books about "boundaries and children" and about "boundaries and friends" as well. Just so you know.

Good luck with dealing with all this, Jennifer!

MuddyBoots · May 27, 2022 at 07:34 AM

My therapist was very concerned about me this morning. She almost made me talk to the crisis team. I don't know how I'm doing.

Sunflower123 · May 27, 2022 at 08:15 AM

I am doing better at the moment. I can choose better or bitter about both situations. I choose better.

I did tell my daughter that to let me plan, save and dream about this trip and even referring to it and planning for it Monday was cruel. I will talk with her more about it today when she gets off work. I’m not terribly upset. I was somewhat apprehensive with my back injury about going.

This situation with my ex best friend has me doubting myself. He said some vicious things….that I have issues, that I can’t keep friends, that he never cared, etc. Those are the kinder things he said.

I have serious doubts about myself between the two situations. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I will pick myself up and move on. It might just take a minute.

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Bipolar check-in # 66

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MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,516 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,436 hugs given	May 27, 2022 at 07:34 AM #59 My therapist was very concerned about me this morning. She almost made me talk to the crisis team. I don't know how I'm doing. __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]
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