Bipolar check-in # 66

My day has not been good. I have become more and more depressed during the day. At one point I did recognize the danger of becoming suicidal again, so I went for a walk and after that went to the grocery shop.

At home I ate biscuits, cheese and drank a glass of wine. I usually do not drown my sorrows in alcohol, but have to admit that the calmness did me good.

This little pause (me with me) helped me to think: I have friends, but they are not so close, but still friends. I thought about the war in Ukraine, the shooting in the USA and a lot of people around the world that have to accept their situations even if it is not the best.

I cannot have this pity party for myself, so I will not allow these sad thoughts, but do what I need to do every day. That means some planning and includes being with the not so close friends.

Life has to go on! I will start to make this evening OK for myself and go to a church tomorrow.

Send my best wishes to all!

Sadly, way too often such places do a "bait and switch". I do think that if you persist, you will be able to get that rebate. However, I'm sure they will make it difficult. So often people just give up, like you're thinking to do. It comes down to whether the effort is worth it enough. You do deserve that rebate, though. I'm sorry if in the end you don't get it, @Moose72.

I had my consultation. He said the nodules are probably not a big deal but to be on the safe side they need to do a biopsy. They are going to do it at my regular hospital. I really don't want to go to a hospital to get this done. I don't get why they can't do it at the doctors office or at some out patient center. My aunt had a D&C done at a doctors office surley a biopsy wouldn't be a big deal. But he says theres a 95% chance it will come back bengin. Its just the anxiety of the test itself I am concerned about. Plus just the normal post procedure depression I always worry about getting. They are doing it under local anthesiea and he said I'll be awake. I had local anthesia for a colonoscopy and for my wisdom teeth and I don't remember much about the colonoscopy and I don't remember anything about my wisdom teeth. So I'm not sure if I'll be aware at all or in a kinda twlight fog. I can always shoot him a mesaage. Today in general I am nauseated, possibly from the blood levels. Hopefully the phelebotomy procedure on Wendesday helps. I've started taking zofran again but haven't had much relief. I'm just doing laundry and stuff and trying not to give myself a literal heart attack.

I bought the Apple Watch and I love it. I can monitor my heart rate, which is good because in the hospital it was well over 100 every time they took vitals. I can see how many calories I’ve burned so far and how many steps I’ve taken, and it shames me if I sit for too long haha. I get my messages and calls, which is why I wanted it, I can just look and see if I have to respond or if it can wait. It’s going to be a big help at work, both my jobs.

Speaking of work I totally love working at the dollar store! Four hours is perfect, and it’s not very busy these days since I work in the evening. I think it will likely be busy today since people will be coming in to buy last minute things for BBQs this weekend. I only work one day this week and two next week. It’ll be great for when I go back next year to my school because I’ll be be able to pick up a couple of extra bucks and not work super hard (until the holidays roll around).

We’re going to grill tomorrow. We got some smoked garlic kielbasa from the polish market inside the farmer’s market, as well as some corn and asparagus. And of course our Guinea pig’s favorite carrots! For whatever reason he LOVES the ones from a particular farm, and RS is friends with the farmers who run it so we usually get four or five for a dollar. The asparagus only cost $2 for a pound of fresh locally grown!

We are going to meet at my mom’s, she’s willing to let us into the garage. I’m very proud of her, she agreed to try an antidepressant and she’s seeing the therapist as far as I know. I think I really got her to realize that she just can’t live like that anymore.

I’m going to go for a walk, it’s absolutely gorgeous out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Thank you! I got it from Amazon, here's a link to it Amazon.com

Thank you! I'll be buying that, they'll love it and it looks a lot safer than that cat tree I bought. I saved to get the $ to buy the one I have from a pet store & when the carpet comes off it leaves those long, hard plastic threads that come from unraveling carpet. I keep cutting them off, I'm so afraid they'll eat the threads.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I dreamed so I know I slept, but it feels like I didn’t. It was 77 when we went to bed, just too hot. I got up and turned the AC on, then later I got up to turn it up, was worried mum would find it too cold and turn on the heat. Then I had to get up again to turn it back down as it was too hot again. In between I had this weird romantic sci fic dream about this couple being in love but having all these obstacles and my aunt who died 10 years ago was one of the things keeping them apart. Every time I went back to sleep I played a different part. Once I was the guy, once I was the girl, once I was separate and watching the drama on a tv in a sky rise on another planet. I feel quite exhausted. For some reason the fashion was French 1400-1500 dress with pink wigs.

Ooooh, I'd love to have a pink wig in that style. I find that sometimes intense dreams can be tiring.

Cats do love long skinny things don’t they! My guy is always going after the necklaces. A friend back in Texas one year thought tinsel would be a fun thing to get. The cats were eating it though! She’d find it in the litter box!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I encouraged my husband to go for a walk with me a bit ago. Boy, are we out of shape! Our walk was almost 50% up semi-steep hills. Along the walk was a line of "chata", which are typical Czech summer cottages, many not much bigger than sheds. People buy these little shacks, of sorts, along with a strip of land where they grow veggies and fruit. One place had strawberries already getting red and some bushes containing angrešt (gooseberries). I hadn't actually even seen them on the bush before. Before long, other fruit will be coming. Moravia is particularly chock full of plums called "blumen" that are free for the picking along country roads. Our landlady had invited us for coffee last week, but we managed to weasel out, though Hubby went just to pay the rent for two months (since we'll be away). She asked us again, so we're sort of obliged to go. She's had us over for coffee in the past. I'll confess that I'd rather not be that chummy with our landlady, but I imagine she means well. However, there's always a mini fear she'll ask for something out of it or make another request. She also has foreigners renting in her apartments downtown. I doubt she has them for coffee. Perhaps that's the trouble with renting within walking-distance of her home. Plus, maybe because Hubby speaks Czech and can chat with her Slovak husband. She likes speaking English with me. I confess to have splurged on a couple dresses for my trip, plus a new pair of summery shoes. Hubby submitted the order, including a "surprise" third dress. The dress he picked out is sadly not my style, but I won't tell him that. It's way too crazy with pineapples, papaya, and even a parrot on it. Almost costume-like. I'm sure the parrot was what grabbed him.

The dress your hubby chose sounds amusing. It could be cute, though! Wear minimal jewelry and summery sandals.

I feel you on the landlady/coffee thing. She probably just finds you and hubby interesting - and you give her the chance to use her English. Still, there's "that" feeling.

My son and DIL just flew to Berlin, then they'll be spending 10 days in Croatia.

The chata sound charming.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Cats do love long skinny things don’t they! My guy is always going after the necklaces. A friend back in Texas one year thought tinsel would be a fun thing to get. The cats were eating it though! She’d find it in the litter box!!

Yes, they sure do, and some of those things can be so dangerous for them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I bought contacts earlier this month which came with a $30 rebate. I had to take photos of the receipt and the box tops and upload them to a website. Now I get an email saying to click the link in it. It went through what is your email etc which was already filled in. It asked whether I want a virtual card of a physical card. BUT it went to a page that wanted me to accept their terms but when I clicked "accept" it gave me half a message about scrolling down but I couldn't scroll down. So I decided to click the email link from my laptop. But it wanted me to input some code numbers which it filled in for me but then did nothing when I clicked it. So I decided to click on log in and I had written down my password so I knew that was right. But it told me my log in was incorrect so I thought I made a mistake typing the password so I tried again. I thought my username was my email but I tried logging in the second time and it told me that I only get three login attempts before it will lock me out. So I clicked "contact us". They obviously know who I am since they've emailed me- even if it's automated. There is no way to recover your username- just the password. Soooo..... I guess I'm ****ed. I don't expect them to be able to help me. So I'm out $30.

Man, those kinds of things anger me!


How are you feeling today (besides the annoyance of the non-rebate)?

I took 2 (4mg.) Haldol last night, fell asleep easily, for the first time in so many months...maybe a year. I feel a bit loopy, but not too bad.

The weather is very pleasant; low 70's and breezy. What a relief from that heat.

My microfiber blanket arrived in all its candy-colored medium-toned aqua splendor! It's kinda fun. Fortunately, the blanket is thin and light, so will work for the cooler summer nights and mornings. My poor mint-green bamboo blanket is going in the dumpster, as it is quite shredded. The cats keep getting caught on it. A lucky thing it was free (Amazon screwed up the delivery, refunded me, and the rep told me that when the blanket finally arrived to just keep it).

I'm still worrying over the therapist situation, but trying to keep my focus elsewhere and not dwell on it. But it's difficult, though. I may just allow myself to watch a movie this afternoon and put my thoughts into a story.

A beautiful Saturday afternoon and evening to all!

It’s a nice day here too. Partly cloudy 🌤 and mid 70’s. Windy though. But the wind is supposed to die down this afternoon.

I feel like I ought to be doing something, but I don’t know what. There’s a flea market the next town over and Rochester has several things but I don’t feel like traveling. But it is a nice day. I’m sitting inside re-watching Fantastic creatures and where to find them instead of sitting outside. Not a lot of bugs yet so really should be enjoying the nice day.

Yes it angers me too. I've done this before with them but never had these troubles. I'm good today. I came over to my mom's to help plant her flowers- impatients. What wasn't good is I had a $10 gift card to biggby's coffee so I ordered the same sort of drink I get at Starbucks but asked for half the chocolate like I do at Starbucks. And I was hungry so I got donut holes figuring that they were cheap. We'll talk about sugar overload! I did not feel good for a while after that! That was a pretty bad decision on my part to get biggby's. I already think their stuff is too sugary in the first place! So it's been hours and now I need some real food.

The weather is gorgeous here today- 72 and sunny. "Realfeel of 82" but I've been in the shade all afternoon. It's supposed to be like this again a week from today which is the neighborhood garage sale. It's the whole neighborhood and Noah and I like going first thing in the morning before it officially starts. We can get a good parking spot this way too. The streets get parked up.

The pool opened today but it’s unseasonably cool here so I didn’t venture down. M will be here tomorrow so we will then.

I’ve cried buckets of tears today. That’s good. Processing. I talked with my daughter about our plans for when she comes and my therapist gave me a session because I was so down. It helped tremendously and was very kind of her. I feel empty and wrung out now. I’m enjoying watching the flat screen with mom. Just got through watching Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail. Funny movie.

I was making tremendous progress before this setback (and by setback I mean the whole debacle) and I will make tremendous progress again. I’ll take it easy today and start fresh tomorrow.

Hugs to all.

So I'm watching my nephew for a couple of days. He's 2. ****, my heads loud trying to destress but it's hard. I'm blaring music to counter act it but I just want it quiet so I can rest

Thanks, Beth!

I hope your son has a wonderful trip. I've never been to Croatia, but my husband has. Everyone I know who has says how beautiful it is. Not just the coastline, but its internal beauty of forests and waterfalls, and cities.

I feel down and hopeless right now. I was using my best friend as a crutch to escape the reality of how unhappy I am with my life circumstances. I loved and cared for him but I was using him. I talked to him for hours a day. I’ve ended a relationship that was an important part of my life and now I’m also having to face reality which is harsh.

I don’t have confidence in myself or my abilities to make things better at this time. I feel stuck and lost and scared. I’ve been struggling for months now, I know. I can’t seem to help myself out of this hole. I guess the first step is to build my confidence so I can start laying the foundation for a better life.

My daughter will be coming in today. I am so looking forward to her visit. I’m so excited. We’ll have a good 3 days.

Hugs to all.

Ugh I slept terrible. I fell asleep at 7pm, I’m so tired by like 3. I slept for two hours so of course I couldn’t sleep again until like 11:30. Then I drank so much water I had to get up twice, and my son came in at 1am to tell me he threw up on his bed. There’s nothing like cleaning up your kid’s vomit in the middle of the night, I’m sure the parents here know that. He threw up on his mattress topper so that’s just going straight in the trash. I honestly barely cleaned it up, there’s no cleaning up memory foam!

I’m in pain this AM, now both wrists hurt, and my knee has been getting worse and worse. Bending it at all kills me! And of course my regular back pain/stiffness. At least my back doesn’t hurt much, I was only in bed from 11-6am. The less time I spend sleeping the better my back feels. Which is unfortunate.

That dr was full of crap though, there’s no way it’s arthritis, I don’t know what it is but given that both wrists hurt now I can only assume I hold my phone too much. My knee, I don’t know, I think it’s associated with my back pain.

Anyway I’m not gonna let my pain and tiredness affect our good day. It’s going to be really nice today and I really want the asparagus and garlic kielbasa we got from the market so we’re definitely going to grill. I’m going to make these shortbread cookies my grandma gave me the recipe to as well. Very easy, three ingredients and then whatever pie topping you want on top. I chose strawberry. We didn’t get fruit at the market yesterday, we should have but my bag was full of vegetables instead. We’re also going to take a nice walk in a different park. It’s called mountain lakes but it’s not really much of a mountain, most of it is pretty flat. And I don’t have to work today!

I have whittled down my meds to just three, sometimes four if I need the seroquel, and some vitamins so that’s awesome. Now that I’m three weeks off the vraylar my mind is a lot clearer and I definitely am not nearly as hungry anymore. I’m still overeating if I want to lose weight unfortunately but at least I’m not gaining any more weight. My biggest problem is eating at night, I get bored laying in bed trying to sleep and start thinking about snacks. I did buy little individual bags of baked chips though so at least I can sit there and mindlessly eat a whole bag.

So yes, I may be tired and in pain but we’re going to have a wonderful day anyway.

Colonoscopies are usually done under twilight sedation so you’re awake but not aware / don’t remember. If it’s just a plain local anaesthesia you will be totally aware and remember it. I’m not a fan of locals.

Then I'm guessing its more of like what I had for my cyst where they just numbed the area. Which didn't actually work and I ended up feeling everything they did and it was one of the most painful things I went through. And they were aware it wasn't working. Yeah, they said this biopsy wasn't urgent so maybe I'll just avoid it for a bit even though that will just make me even more anxious. Its kinda like going to the dentist. I put off going but then worry nonstop.