Bipolar check-in # 66

Yesterday I started my second job. It was very easy. Registers are apparently digital now so everything was set up on the touch screen and very easy to find. Not too many people, I only got flustered once when someone couldn’t decide on what balloons to get and kept changing her mind. The person behind her was getting very impatient (don’t blame her). I do get stressed when there’s a long line because I don’t like to get snapped at for something that’s not my fault. But in general I actually liked talking with people. There’s a new ban on single use bags here in NJ and it’s difficult to remember to bring your own, especially into stores that you end up buying way more than expected! But most people are taking it in stride and joking about it. I personally keep a folded up bag in my satchel bag but even so I sometimes forget to put it back in after I use it!

Since I have to put things away I’m learning the dollar store actually has way more practical stuff than I realized. And they have these really cute lemon dishes that I think I will buy! Last year when we moved here I wanted to set up a lemon theme in the kitchen but there were no lemon things at the time. Now there are, at least where I work, and I’m a bit too excited

Today will be a relaxed day, CR has off for Memorial Day weekend. I decided to buy him a new phone for his graduation from elementary school. He’s eligible for an upgrade. He wanted an Apple Watch but he’s way too irresponsible with his things still. I know it will not get used and promptly lost. A new phone is a better choice, he does use that. Not as much as his iPad but I’m sure in middle school it will become more important. Especially for me! For the first few days when he has to catch the bus I’ll be nervous so I’ll be able to text to make sure he made it on and off.

I am, however, getting myself an Apple Watch. You can check your messages and phone calls as they come in so since I’m not supposed to use my phone during group or at work I’ll be able to check to make sure it’s not someone I have to respond to right away. And my SIL said the fitness features are great!

So it should be a decent weekend, even if my brother doesn’t show on Monday.

I was really, really down yesterday and very frightened because of my SI thoughts. It is difficult to become older and to have few friends ! I took some benzos and fell asleep. I feel better today. I went for a walk and was at a café for coffee and a cake. I was on my way to a place where it is good to sit down and enjoy the view afterward, but my mobile made a sound and an SMS told me that the post office was to deliver a small table I have ordered at my home adress. I ran as fast as I could to my home, sat down and clicked at a link in the post. Guess what I found? I had thougt that if I did not reach home in time, the table would not be delivered. The link in my post told me to stay at home at Monday for the delevery.

I didn't know if I should cry or laugh, but perhaps to take a fast run when one has SI thoughts can be of help for some, I don't know. (The problem is that most people with SI thoughts will not be able to run at all).

I hope to be better. I will take it slow both today and tomorrow. The day after tomorrow I will visit a grown up child for dinner. Cross the fingers. (I have never told others about SI thougths before. I usually struggle alone and have so far won all the battles).

I send warm thoughts to each one of you!

Jennifer, what kind of people make others doubt themselves? Think about that, reflect ...! Isn't it so that you are his only friend? Has he behaved so that all his other friends have left him one by one? Google it and reflect. Take it to your therapist and rfelect ...

I wish you the best!

@GoGo2 I'm glad you're feeling a little bit better. SI thoughts are horrible.
@jenifer1967 I'm sorry about your friend and that you don't get to go on the trip to fl.

I'm feeling much better today.
ED trigger
I keep telling my self its not much longer and then we can fix things but Hopefully this mood stays at least long enough to shower, change and do laundry.

I spent time last night looking for funeral songs. I have two but I’d like two more. I’ve got Into the West and Dust in the wind. I’d like something a bit more upbeat. In either folk or rock, no religious music for me. I’m not depressed or anything but want to plan and pay for my funeral. I ended up listening to some hard rock, always my favorite. I can’t make out the words at all anymore I’m so glad for YouTube that has lyrics. It didn’t get me down. Mum’s situation has me wanting to have things planed. I need to get the papers from the Mayo Clinic for a living will. Having been a CNA while I went to college I have defined things I don’t want to have done to me. I had the papers once but mum thought they were hers and squirreled them away.

I saw my doctor today. He said my blood test results are really bad. And staying on my testosterone is not a really good idea. He is saying I am just at such a high risk for a heart attack and a stroke right now that it is downright dangerous for me to continue to stay on it. But he also knows that being without the testosterone will effect my mental health and can cause depression and an increased risk for suicide. So he is continuing it for ethical reasons. I had to repeat back to him that I was aware of the risks of staying on it. He said if it was his choice he'd stop it. But I just remember when I did stop it before a couple months ago for a few weeks and how depressed and lost I felt without it. I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't feel like who I truly was and it was really unsettling. He sent a message over to my blood doctor urging her to see me sooner then July and have me do a 3rd phelbotomy procedure. He said the swalloing issue is in my head. I can't feel the nodules. They are in the back of my head. He showed me the nodules on his computer and he said he couldn't tell if there was one really long one or if it was two small ones. He said if it was one it would be concerning. If it was 2 it was probably not a big deal but the biopsy will tell us. He told me about what the biopsy would be like. And yeah the pain involved. He said it would be like a flu shot but they do numb the area. He said he'd send a message over to the ENT doctor saying we talked beforehand about everything. He wants to see me in 2 months instead of 3 since things are concerning with the blood work and theres just the uncertainty with the thyroid. He also wants me to do a sleep study to check for sleep apnea since that can increase the blood level. I asked if any life style change can fix it. Like eating healthy or excercising. Since I had just inhaled a Taco Bell Mexican pizza in the car on my way to the apppointment and felt kinda guilty. He said no, lifestyle changes wouldn't decrease it.

So it was kind of a not really good news appointment but hes a really good and understanding doctor at least and he's doing a lot to help me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ... And they have these really cute lemon dishes that I think I will buy! Last year when we moved here I wanted to set up a lemon theme in the kitchen but there were no lemon things at the time. Now there are, at least where I work, and I’m a bit too excited ...

I adore the lemon theme! When I was a little girl my sister had a big, really old lemon tree in her back yard. She used to make lemonade for me from those lemons. Now her grave is right next to a lemon tree. When we buried her casket, people dropped all sorts of mementos into her grave. She had worked for various rock bands as a roadie for decades and the items that people dropped into her grave were really cool. But I dropped a lemon in because I know she loved to make lemonade.

I've been decorating my kitchen in a rockabilly style, black and white checks and other black and white things, some red tossed in. I've been thinking that a few "lemon" touches here & there would be cute. There's a Dollar Store a mile from my apartment - I'll check it out for lemon things

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I saw my doctor today. He said my blood test results are really bad. And staying on my testosterone is not a really good idea. He is saying I am just at such a high risk for a heart attack and a stroke right now that it is downright dangerous for me to continue to stay on it. But he also knows that being without the testosterone will effect my mental health and can cause depression and an increased risk for suicide. So he is continuing it for ethical reasons. I had to repeat back to him that I was aware of the risks of staying on it. He said if it was his choice he'd stop it. But I just remember when I did stop it before a couple months ago for a few weeks and how depressed and lost I felt without it. I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't feel like who I truly was and it was really unsettling. He sent a message over to my blood doctor urging her to see me sooner then July and have me do a 3rd phelbotomy procedure. He said the swalloing issue is in my head. I can't feel the nodules. They are in the back of my head. He showed me the nodules on his computer and he said he couldn't tell if there was one really long one or if it was two small ones. He said if it was one it would be concerning. If it was 2 it was probably not a big deal but the biopsy will tell us. He told me about what the biopsy would be like. And yeah the pain involved. He said it would be like a flu shot but they do numb the area. He said he'd send a message over to the ENT doctor saying we talked beforehand about everything. He wants to see me in 2 months instead of 3 since things are concerning with the blood work and theres just the uncertainty with the thyroid. He also wants me to do a sleep study to check for sleep apnea since that can increase the blood level. I asked if any life style change can fix it. Like eating healthy or excercising. Since I had just inhaled a Taco Bell Mexican pizza in the car on my way to the apppointment and felt kinda guilty. He said no, lifestyle changes wouldn't decrease it. So it was kind of a not really good news appointment but hes a really good and understanding doctor at least and he's doing a lot to help me.

Hi Md, I'm sad to hear about your serious health problems. I wish your transition was much easier. Having to choose between our mental health and our physical health is so damned hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 It's OK to feel grief over the loss over a therapist. Sometimes it helps to schedule a "me-hour" in the evenings to feel the grief. It is just a suggestion, but a few "me-hours" a week can make it possible to function in other areas at day time. It makes life go forward. Best wishes!

Thank you, GoGo. You're correct; it is normal to feel grief over this situation. I hadn't thought of that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I am doing better at the moment. I can choose better or bitter about both situations. I choose better. I did tell my daughter that to let me plan, save and dream about this trip and even referring to it and planning for it Monday was cruel. I will talk with her more about it today when she gets off work. I’m not terribly upset. I was somewhat apprehensive with my back injury about going. This situation with my ex best friend has me doubting myself. He said some vicious things….that I have issues, that I can’t keep friends, that he never cared, etc. Those are the kinder things he said. I have serious doubts about myself between the two situations. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I will pick myself up and move on. It might just take a minute.

I would be outraged and terribly hurt if I was in the situation with your daughter. It sounds like something my own daughter would do to me. Mean and thoughtless.

Yeah it sucks. And the full effects of the testosterone don't happen for 5 years. So thats another almost 3 years. I've seen great progress after just 2 years. I just hope my pdoc doesn't decide to screw with my pysch meds when I meet with him next Thursday. This is not a situation where he needs to interfere with my meds.

I was awake all night churning about the therapist situation. I wish she would just retire, I'd see Dr. B., and that would be that. But she won't. I know that the wisest action to take is to not take any action right now, but to let this unfold. I'm sure that the universe will work this out and things will fall into place. I really have no doubt about that. But right now I'm feeling sad and angry.

I absolutely love my mint-green bamboo blanket, but 5 cats = 100 little claws and that blanket is nearly in shreds. Live and learn. So I am facing the fact that kitties and natural fiber blankets don't work well together. I bought a microfiber blanket, not great for summer, but at least I can cover my bed with it during the day. The color appears to be a light sort-of aqua that I hope doesn't turn out to be some ghastly bright turquoise. I shall find out when it's delivered today. It cost only $20, but David is going to have a fit when he finds out.

Okay, it is shower time on this lovely, breezy day.

Much love~

I’m having a glorious day. I slept last night after staying up late listening to old rock music. The day is brilliant. I bet it did get to 70. I sat outside on the deck for quite awhile, until is was just too hot. The flowers I bought weathered the cold spell well and are flourishing.

My blood doctors office called and I have my phelebotomy procedure set up for Wednesday. That was the earliest they had since Monday is a holiday. I'll have to switch my therapy appointment to virtual since the procedure doesn't make me feel good afterwards. I'm almost thinking of switching her to another day since I don't think the session will be very productive if I don't feel good. I know our 6PM tele session was a disaster because I was falling asleep in the middle of it and I was just tired then. Hopefully this 3rd one makes me feel better for at least a couple weeks. My doctor today did say if I keep on top with the blood work and the procedures I should be ok.

Now I just need to try to rewind for the night before the ENT appointment in the morning. My medical bills are starting to pile up but its still not a huge huge amount. Like I'm not going into debt but I do need to watch things next month and try to eat more at home and stuff like that.

I talked over the situation about Florida with my daughter. I understand her reasoning now. I was also dead serious when I said that I had changed my behavior to help build the relationship but that she had not changed hers and it was hurting us. She agreed. She is coming to visit me Sunday - Tuesday and then we’ll take a five day trip to another destination later this summer. I’m okay with that.

As to my former best friend, they say living well is the best revenge. I don’t want revenge but I do want to live well. I WAS using him as a crutch to avoid facing things. It’s time for me to get back into the game of life. Some day in the near future I may thank him for being a vicious jerk.

I’m feeling even better about both situations now.

I hope everybody has a peaceful weekend. Hugs to all.

Watching Kanye West discuss being bipolar with David Letterman on the Netflix series "My Next Guest Needs No Introduction". Very interesting!

I am hopelessly behind ! I have no idea where all my time is going. I mean yes Johnny Depp v Amber Heard trial has me glued to it. Closing arguments today and that vile lying Witch needs to lose. 6 years ago today she claimed abuse. She is the lying abuser. There is audio proof.

Otherwise I’m rereading my favorite book series. So yeah I guess I am really busy lol

Hugs and love to all ~

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was just getting ready for bed. I started to hear a man's voice talking- it sounded like he was in the other room because I couldn't quite make out what he was saying. I can't take my prn (Haldol) because I'm afraid something bad will happen if I do. The voices have stopped but for a while I thought I hadn't paused the tv when I went into the bathroom. And it's not people outside because I have the windows closed. I'm afraid they will come back tonight. They didn't say anything bad, it was as if there were two people in my apartment having a conversation.

This just majorly sucks!

If it were me, I'd go off the T but I can understand your not feeling like yourself, too.

How's it going now Moose?