Artificially down

So I've discovered my thorazine was keeping me down. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking any of my pills. Until I talk to t the 16th. I don't want to sleep. I'm irritated but switching back and forth between irritated and happy. I'm not manic. I can hold a conversation but I don't know if t can even convince me to get back on that poison. I already think they screw up my abilify. As long as I'm not a danger my wishes should be honored. I know I need therapy and I plan to keep t until I worry she'll hospitalize me. I expected her to call today but maybe she will tomorrow. I'm newly in debt because I help everyone but myself. I want $400 in art supplies. My place. The sucky thing is hud comes next week and I doubt we'll pass. Maybe I just cracked under pressure. H says enjoy it but what if I'm going crazy. I feel bugs on my skin and under my hair. Haven't showered in a week. Just looking forward to getting back to myself before all these chemicals. I'm trying to stay away from Delta 8 too. Anyone have suggestions on how to convince a therapist to work with you on little medicine. I expect I'll stay on the injection for a little while. This T won't let me just drop my appointments. Or I'd go radio silence until I detox from all my meds. I think if I don't show up for my shot it'll be okay. I'm to quiet on meds. My personality is muted. I feel I need to be on less meds. I may talk to my pdoc about it on the 24th if I don't cancel so someone that wants it has it. I don't want to waste pdocs time but am I also wasting t's time?. How the hell am I supposed to judge this week? I don't want to see t. I feel if I ask to go less that she'll cancel the appointments that are already set. I just want to be left alone unmedicated. H thinks I'm mixed because a lobotomy sounds good.

Maybe if you take a shower some of the itching will go away.

I'm going to take a shower tonight. I have therapy tomorrow morning. My t called me to remind me.i was going to take my meds and sleep the day away but decided against it and just left the house. I'm so antsy. My h won't drive an hour to an art store. I'm sitting outside Miguel's house with my dog.

Hi Mm, What are the art supplies you want?

I have a long list. From papers to pastels and everything in-between. It's all for the class I signed up for. It would take about 6+ months to go through. Unless I'm doing it all day every day. It's a large fee upfront but then it's just replacing what was used. For the next couple of months. Until I get to the oil paint classes.

I actually was a professional artist at a time in my life (sign painting/hand lettering), and continued doing art until pretty recently...I'm sure I'll pick it up again at some point. $400, even for art supplies, is a lot to lay out all at once. Do you think you could start with $100?

So I bought about $130 in art supplies. My husband had me get some of the optional things. And now I have enough to start the first class. They even gave me a student discount.

As part of the deal I restart my meds. I went to therapy today. And she immediately said something about me being extremely adjutated. We tried a grounding technique but it didn't help. She asked if I needed an earlier appointment with pdoc and I said no. She wants me to talk to my pdoc before coming off medication. She said I really need to sit down and go over why I'm on the medicine that I'm on. Symptom by symptom. Pdoc doesn't have time like that. I don't know. I promised to take it tonight but if I sleep I don't have to take it tomorrow.

I'm glad you got the art supplies.

The problem with inconsistent medication is that your blood levels are bouncing all over the place, so you have that on top of your mental illness symptoms. It just gets absolutely crazy. There is no way you can be at all stable like that. It is, or can be, easy to be addicted to instability. I think many of us are.

H wants me to take everything (even my prns) for at least a week. I'll never loose weight that way. That way I can tell pdoc hydroxine (sp) is just a sugar pill for me. He says Anna & Mia and the other voices aren't good for me. The agitation will result in self harm. That I'm not happy with this feeling anyway so I should just go back on them. There's to much stress right now with section 8 coming soon. For me to be off them. I'm lost with accepting my weight as it is. Even the GP wants me to loose weight. I can't really cut down on food anymore than I have. I'm just so disappointed.

I get it. Whenever I take my thorazine I feel depressed. But I still take it because because I'd rather be depressed, take a nap, whatever than hiding under my bed with a knife or crawling out of my skin. That's up to you though.