Why not just give up?

I have a fantasy that I stop my meds, and let the craziness overwhelm. I'll probably end up in a psych ward, lose my job, and maybe my kids. I won't be able to afford to pay my bills. My headspace will be horrific. My therapist asked what pulls me to this. I tried explaining but I don't fully get it myself. Please don't encourage me not to, that's too easy.

Giving up is easy. It's easy to quit the fight. But you need to ascribe some sort of meaning and purpose to life (we all do) to fully feel like we're living. I think you have a lack of that so the first step is finding it. Don't ask me how to find it though, I'm still working on it.

I just watched this tube video this morning that sort of relates to what you are saying Muddyboots.

Why you should want to suffer | Paul Bloom - YouTube

Sadly I don't have any satisfactory answer to your most profound question.

I think psychology is a fairly young science compared to the other sciences. This is not to denigrate its great discoveries and insights. It seems psychology is pretty certain that everyone has a stream of thoughts and feelings entering and leaving their consciousness. A thought pops into one's mind, lingers a bit and is pushed out by another thought.

I also think most psychologists would admit that this process is a bit mysterious. There is evidence that genetics has an effect on this constant automatic thought stream as well as a person's history, environment, circumstances, upbringing and so on.

We humans seem to have the ability to sort of stand outside this thought stream and reflect upon it. We can think about what we are thinking, like you are thinking about the fantasy that pops into your consciousness. Psychology has mapped out certain features of all this, but there are still lots and lots of questions that haven't been answered.

For one thing, psychology deals in universals. But we are individuals not universals. My English is not good so perhaps an analogy would help. Psychology asks questions about what it is like to be a human being? There are whole libraries of books on this subject. But psychology as a science does not ask the question: "What is it like to be you?" There is no book in the world on what it is like to be you unless you write an autobiography or someone writes a biography of you.

But even a biography or autobiography leaves out tons of information about a person. No one has written a book which lists every thought, feeling, image and fantasy that has popped into their conscious minds.

So psychology sort of stumbles around looking for patterns, chains of cause and effect and so on. It has achieved profound insights along these lines.

It seems that the brains of living beings tend to prioritize survival of the being above all else. There are exceptions though. A mother might endanger her survival to save her offspring. A heroic person might risk his or her life to save the life or lives of others. A person whose brain is afflicted with the illness of depression might lose their will to live.

We know that the brain can become sick as can any other organ of the human body. There is a body of evidence that stress hormones can damage parts of the brain, causing changes in mass, volume and density in the brain and that these changes can alter the thought stream of people, can cause thoughts, images, emotions, fantasies and moods that a brain that is not ill doesn't usually have.

If a person is just mildly depressed, he or she can often just "step out of" this primary thought stream and in their secondary thought stream they can tell themselves: "These thoughts are my illness talking to me. I do not have to take them seriously and I choose not to take them seriously. If I have a strange or unwelcome thought, so what? I am going to ignore it or laugh at it."

In a serious depression, the unwelcome or destructive thought stream can become strong, more persistent. There can be recurring feedback loops of negative self-talk about the self, the past, the present and the future. It can be more difficult to get on top of these thoughts and such. There are medical and talk therapies for these cases.

Depression does not discriminate. Neurologists, psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors are also afflicted with depression. Many have written books about their experiences. Some were so oppressed by depression that they were hospitalized even though they themselves were medical professionals dedicated to helping people with depression.

I myself entered a profound depression and had to be hospitalized. It saved my life.

Medical science moves slowly most of the time, often by trial and error.
Legitimate scientific research often begins with a statement like: "All research is subject to limitations based on the size of the study, the duration of the study, the quality of the study, the objectivity of the researches, confounding factors, other studies that have reached different consciousness and new discoveries." So there is a kind of intellectual humility needed for research.

Psychology has mapped out some features of fantasies. Sometimes there is some pattern or causality involved.
The fantasy of stopping meds can be based on all kinds of things, only a few of which have been mapped out. Some people were raised to believe that self-reliance was an ultimate virtue.

If we were raised by parents who rewarded self-reliance and punished its opposite this can have an effect on us. A child will try to please his parents. So an adult might retain a certain deep unconscious feeling that they will disappoint their parents if they take medicine.

Medicines have side effect profiles. Some side effects are intolerable to some people, so they stop their meds. In both cases, though, there can be causes for a fantasy of quitting medication. But there is so much we still don't know.

Sometimes medications don't work or completely resolve all symptoms. Sometimes medication stop working.

Sometimes depression itself can generate thoughts of stopping medication. That is why it is such an insidious illness.

Stopping many medications "cold turkey" can be dangerous. It is always best done while under the advice and care of a licensed physician.

I hope that you and your care team find what helps you most. Sorry that I couldn't give you an easy answer to your profound question. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post today and offer you better words than my poor words! Some people have already offered helpful comments.

I wish you only the very best in your life journey!

For Now we See Through a Glass, Darkly
It's tempting, isn't it? Letting go? When the alternative is dealing with an illness that rampages through your life and doesn't let go, I can't say just stopping is not an alluring prospect.

Ever read Tennyson? I think this bit illustrates why I can't stop, despite everything.

I sometimes think about this as well. I wonder what it would be like to just give into everything. I might also end up in the psych ward (I've already been there twice.) I'd likely lose my spouse as well as my home too. On the other hand, I might discover a whole new me! But the risk is just too great. And I'm afraid that, if I did just let it all go, I don't know where the bottom might be. So, while I don't have any advice to offer you on this, I do understand what you're experiencing I believe. Best wishes...

Yaowen, this is a beautiful post! Don't ever put down your English skills. Had you not said so, I would never have known that English is not your first language.

The point is that giving up on life includes giving up on having meaning in life. It's a sort of psychological suicide. It may be unsustainable, but it can do plenty of damage, and in the interim I wouldn't have to stress about all the important things in life that are messed up.

Wow, first thank you for your reply. It is so meaningful that a total stranger took the time to write such a long, detailed reply.
I think I have never experienced a sustained deep depression and your description of it matches my feelings of the last few weeks. It is very scary to think this could become part of my life.
I need to accept and plan for it.

Already lost my spouse and home
Giving up means not caring where the bottom is. If you still care, then don't let go.
I appreciate your empathy.

Psychological suicide.
When actual suicide is not on the table and you can't bear your life.

Fascinating movie, thanks for sharing.
However, he's talking about chosen suffering.

Good post, I agree. I saw this post before (the original post) and couldn't think of words to reply with.

I've worked too hard to give up now. However I'm planning how to take a step back anyway and I'm in a depressive mood this week and have really pulled back my hours. I can't phantom working at my normal level.

I suggest pulling back. take a few days off therapy, work, everything it helps. sometimes I'm just going so much I need to crash or I'll implode. starting to lose it at work and I really need the money so I have to pull back.

Giving up would cause so much damage, I'd lose all the progress I've made. I think of quitting my job all the time than I'm home a few days with nothing to do and appreciate the job giving me something to do. really take a step back it really gives a new perspective.

My only thought on this is: do you really want that? I ask the question not out of analyzing your motivations to do so, but just out of sheer curiosity.

Do you want to stop your meds? Do you want to let the craziness overwhelm? Do you want to end up in a psych ward? Do you want to lose your job?