[MuddyBoots]

well I finally got my answer, appointment with pdoc tomorrow. MMy brain is just too fuking chaotic right now. I feell like I havae thhree songs just going back adn forth back and forth and my own thoughts and the voices/visuals. I did not sleep at all last night. I haven't eaten since 11:30p yesterday. And fking D called to tell me about my appt. D and I don't get along so I try to make the phoen clls short. She thinks everything that works for her works for everybody, but guess what it doesn't!!!! STARING AT A PICTURE DOESN'T MAKE ME LESS DELUSIONAL!!!! And 8 months for a med to work? Are you kidding me? Longest ****ing manic episode and she insists I give the med more time.
And it's face to face so I have to get ride because last time I drove on this little sleep I got into an accident and was carless for 4 months.

[Nammu]

[ronkuby]

Hey Boots,

I am new here and don't know your story very well but it seems like you are having a pretty hard time right now. Try to keep your head up and remember that this is temporary - there is always tomorrow and your feelings can, and often do, change! Even at our bleakest. You are valued and loved and you have the strength to conquer this.

[MuddyBoots]

Finally had my appointment. Starting Seroquel tonight for sleep. She wants me to take 50mg at bedtime and another 50mg when I evidently wake up from weird *** dreams. I have to go back for a stupid drug test tomorrow (couldn't pee today)). I hope that little bit of weed I had that may or maynot have had something laced in it is out of my system or I could get IEAd again.

She's changing what time I take my haldol too. She wants me to take it afternoon instead of night. No mention of vraylar or rexulti today, but she did say she wants me off the haldol.

[*Beth*]

Hey Boots, I do believe the Seroquel will knock you out so you can sleep. That's the one really good thing I can say about Seroquel.

[MuddyBoots]

Thing is Seroquel gives me some pretty fking crazy, vivid dreams so although it does put me to sleep I always wake up 2-3 hours after taking it which is why she wants me to take it twice a night. I did that last night and ended up with 6 hours of sleep which is more than double my average for the past week or so so I guess that's good.

[ronkuby]

that's wonderful. sometimes it is all about baby steps.

[Name usage]

Good luck Boots. If it helps any I am a little older and married. I am coming off Abilify, the bipolar medication. I have found that I have lost interest in almost everything. Sure I had some fun skiing the other day but I feel like I am just numb to the world anymore. They say this medication can do that.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have been through alot in life myself and I know you will be just fine. Good luck and best wishes.

[*Beth*]

Hey, Boots! Worried 'boutcha. How are things?

[MuddyBoots]

I'm still alive.

[Fuzzybear]

[*Beth*]

[MuddyBoots]

CLeaned up Hell yesterday a little bit I still have a long way to go but taking out 23 people/animals is a start.

The Seroquel isn't helping me sleep anymore. I want to take more, but I'll run out before m next appointment. I even tried 5mg of melatonin, then another 5, then another 5 and now I just give up. I think I'll go for a walk.

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

Ended up taking all the Seroquel I had left. I'm prescribed 50mg and I think there were 15 pills left. I also took an extra couple valium.

My case manager is supposed to come over today and idk if I should tell her. I passed my drug test though so no IEA for that. I've been skipping haldol doses too becuse it numbs me out too much.

[Nammu]

Do tell her. They can’t help otherwise. This means the meds you’re on aren’t working.

[MuddyBoots]

I don't want to go back to the state hospital though. I have an appointment with my pdoc coming up next week she can tweak my meds then.

EDit: I told her and she is going to tell the rest of the team and she wants me to come up with goals for us to work on and I don't know what the **** she wants me to come up with her ideas were healthy boundaries, meal planning, and self-esteem but I just agreed to get her out of te house.
fI reallywant to cut right now but I can't b4cause I don't want open wounds when my fwb comes over. gotta keep that in mind.

I really don't know what goeals I want to work on with her. I'm so used to people not helping me with my goals and I don't even complete any of my goals anyways so why the uck with she help me. This laptop ois pissing me off.

I FUGured out the most efficient way to get people out of hell. It's a secret.

[*Beth*]

Hey Boots, hi. How can you stay safe until your pdoc appointment?

[MuddyBoots]

contract not to listen to the angels or follow the demons or follow the angels or listen to the demons.

[MuddyBoots]

I think I must be in Hell after I killed myself and now I have to wait for another Muddyboots to come and take me to Heaven if I even deserve it which I probably don't but I've saved some pretty broken souls so hopefully the next savior while be another like me. That's why there's so man demosn. WHAT Ifi I forget?

[*Beth*]

Hey Boots, I'm just sending you a hug and some love. Are you journaling?