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MuddyBoots
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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 04:06 AM
  #21
I got 3 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired. People keep tellling me it'll get better but I feel like it'll take forever, and do I even deserve that?

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 07:38 AM
  #22
You do deserve to get better

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 08:32 AM
  #23
I also suggest DBT/distress tolerance

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 11:54 AM
  #24
Man do I feel wired! I was up at 3am and boy was I glad to be up at 3am because it was cool enough to wear my new Planet Zero hoodie. I should've gone for a walk but it was dark out and I don't want to get mugged/raped/shot/chopped into pieces and thrown in a dumpster. The midnight nation. So I just stood on the balcony enjoying the crisp air. If you're having panic attacks stick your head in a bowl of ice water or take a cold shower. That's what the crisis number lady told me last night. Just dunking my head in cold water didn't help much but I don't think it was cold enough so I got off the phone and took a cold shower and that helped. My grandma had panic disorder and loved winter because when she had panic attacks she would just go outside and it would help. She was addicted to Xanax but her doc was ok with it because she was old and it helped. My cousin says the same thing although she is a lot newer to panic attacks.
But the thing about the cold shower is I hate being naked. It's why I have poor hygiene. It's kind of a paranoia/kind of a trauma thing. I guess when in crisis I can get over that though since it helps. Dad might be like why tf is Boots taking a shower at 2am? but whatever he puts too much salt on his food.
I don't think I will be calling the crisis line today. I gave away my stash and I hid any of my favorite SH instruments with a note to call the crisis line if I feel the need to use them. But they're in a drawer in my nightstand that I have to move like 50lbs of books to get to them.
I'm starting to feel like most of my mental health stuff is caused by trauma rather than biological origins. I hid it forever under a bubbly mask and then it turned angry and then *I* turned to anything to numb that anger. And then I went seeking out more trauma because that's what I had learned I deserved.

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If any chord that I could strum
Make me feel less like a man
I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:02 PM
  #25
My dad's all methed out. Before I realized this I got in a car with him to go "gain some weight" and in the process we almost got into an accident like three times. Yeah this environment is perfect for my sobriety... and he won't admit he has a problem despite several DUIs.

But I can't go back to my mom's without losing my ACT team and I don't have the finances to live on my own.

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:06 PM
  #26
Are they in the process of helping you find safer accommodation?

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:12 PM
  #27
I asked, but they said since housing's rough right now it'll be a while.

I'm thinking of just getting my backpacking **** and staying out of my car for a bit. I think my dad will calm down in a bit.

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:16 PM
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
...
I'm starting to feel like most of my mental health stuff is caused by trauma rather than biological origins. I hid it forever under a bubbly mask and then it turned angry and then *I* turned to anything to numb that anger. And then I went seeking out more trauma because that's what I had learned I deserved.
Yep. I tend to agree with your insight about yourself, and I am becoming more & more sure that my situation is the same - at least to a substantial degree. I haven't had addiction or SH issues myself, but I've sure had many a friend who did. My behaviors were more relationship-oriented and sexual stuff.

I had a dear friend, we used to roller skate together in a city, downtown, mostly at night. This was only about 12 years ago. She lived across the street from this incredible landmark dive bar & we'd skate in the parking lot behind the bar. Her apartment was a total dump, but she had fixed it up to be something special. However, it was a
Possible trigger:

To shorten a long story...my friend had a serious habit. For several years. She was in very bad shape. Then one day, just one day, she said Enough. She dumped the boyfriend, got hooked up with a clinic and various social services. She worked sooo hard to stay clean. After awhile she enrolled in university as a fine arts major, spent 4 years there, graduated, and is now a professional textile artist. She's in her late 30's and has a real life.
And I know so many, too many, others who have struggled with addiction. A couple didn't make it. The rest did. They did get clean, stayed clean, and created lives for themselves. I don't think a single one of them could envision a "normal" life while in the middle of fighting addiction. But there you go. It happens.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:16 PM
  #29
That’s got to be rough.

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 06:19 PM
  #30
If there's something biological about your stuff, it sounds like the genetic part is a tendency to addiction.

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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 10:44 PM
  #31
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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
@buddha1too you might remember me by my old name, Sapien? I do recall you (and it's nice to see you again, thanks!)
You bet I remember you. In fact, I was wondering where you went & was hoping you were doing well. Part of the reason I remember you is that you have a keen sense of humor, & a heightened survival instinct...which is why I trust you to get through this rough patch.

But, damn, woman! I'm in recovery myself (for many years) & can't even imagine living with someone who's still using...even if he/she was family. I sense you're kind of trapped, but you might do well to get out of that situation for a while...even if you have to take extraordinary measures. I know you want to stay in ACT (which is good), but try to find a safer, cleaner alternative if at all possible. Again, easier written than done...Hang in there. You just wrote about some smart moves to keep yourself safe. Keep following through.
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Default Jul 16, 2022 at 10:54 PM
  #32
buddha has brought something up I'm wondering about. Does the ACT team know you're living with a user so you can stay with ACT? I can't remember all the specifics of how ACT works. What is the reason you can't get hooked in with an ACT team if you're at your mom's?

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Default Jul 17, 2022 at 01:11 PM
  #33
my mom lives outside my current CMHC region. I think the CMHC at my mom's has an ACT team but they're way less resourceful and it takes a lot longer to get in and we can't do as many things at fss appointments because of the rural nature of the region.

I spent the night with a friend but she's an active addict too. Kept begging me for my Kpin so that's not a long term solution either. My dad crashed so I'm back and things are calmish now.

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Jul 17, 2022 at 01:31 PM
  #34
Oh @MuddyBoots what about a sober house? I know nothing about them except that they exist. I so do hope you can keep the act team but find safer housing. I know when I got sec8 and was able to move into my own place it helped me beyond any other single thing. I. Had nothing but a single mattress on the floor, a chair I got from a charity and an old beat up black and white tv. But I was there for over 12 years. It was my safe place. I know sec 8 is horrendous to get on their lists. I had to wait years even though I was priority because I was on disability. Can act help you get on the list?

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Default Jul 17, 2022 at 03:28 PM
  #35
Sober house isn't an option. Case manager said she'll help me find a place but sec 8 here is like a 7 year waiting list.

I'm in crisis yet again but I don't want to call my act team and explain the same damn thing all over again

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 18, 2022 at 05:52 AM
  #36
I did call the crisis line and I guess I scared her because she's going to try to send someone out today to check on me and maybe move up my pdoc appointment. She threw the term manic around a bit. I had some "nighty night" tea last night and slept 5 hours. My dad's out today. I scraped up/bruised my knee running donw a wet grassy hill yesterday. I feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum and God's pinning me down by the wrists, but He taught me some self-defense stuff when he decided to give me to my father so maybe I'll get up.

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 18, 2022 at 10:15 AM
  #37
I've been texting my new friend that we went to a meeting with and he wants me to go to group with him again today (not NA but the group we met at). I HAVE A UNIVERSE TO HOLD TOGETHER but I can teach about hte sacredness of the moose and all the other dimensions. It only hurts when I go downstairs so that means I'm not ready to fight the Devil but sometimes we have to do things we're not ready for .

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 18, 2022 at 03:53 PM
  #38
Possible trigger:

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
So I could never strum again

Last edited by MuddyBoots; Jul 18, 2022 at 04:26 PM..
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Default Jul 18, 2022 at 04:14 PM
  #39
Sending you lots of love and hugs

Please take care of yourself

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Default Jul 19, 2022 at 05:46 AM
  #40
Didn't sleep last night. Fuuuuck this shyt. At least I'm home alone so I can PARTY TO MY HEARTS CONTENT and keep the doors locked because fk the outside world.

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