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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#141
^^^ That post was 2 days ago. What's happening now, Boots?
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Monster on the Hill
Member Since Sep 2020
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#142
My therapist agreed it was best I quit the job. My "eating disorder" (in quotes because not sure if it's a genuine eating disorder or not) is totally out of control.
Possible trigger:
I've been super sleepy and busy with the kittens lately so I probably won't update super often. Don't worry about me though, I'll be fine __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Victoria'smom
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*Beth*
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catches the flowers
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#143
Thank you for checking in, Boots; I would have worried. Sounds like your t is approaching the job situation with good sense.
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Monster on the Hill
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#144
I want/need to stop the binging and purging. More so need than want because there's even more blood now. I just don't know how (without going back to substances or other methods of self harm....maybe I should just...never mind...).
I have this unsatiable desire to self-destruct. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm bad or something. Like there is "badness" in me that I need to numb or get out somehow. I'm going to stay up until my mom goes to bed and then call the ACT team and hopefully someone good will call me back and talk to me about it. My therapist is out next week. Had pdoc appointment. Was in good spirits then so of course I told her all was well and had been mostly well (other than the calling them freaking out about the SH last week). __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Nammu
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Crone
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#145
Oh boots, wish there was something I could say that didn’t sound corny. I’m just sitting with you while you wait.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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MuddyBoots
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catches the flowers
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#146
I'm with Nammu, Boots. We're sitting here with you...waiting with you. I do understand that feeling of needing to get out a "badness" that's inside. I believe it's the result of childhood conditioning (i.e., it's PTSD). Anyway. We're here.
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MuddyBoots
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Monster on the Hill
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#147
Thanks guys. I fell asleep before my mom so I didn't get to call the team. I think I see my case worker later on but my mom's home so hopefully we can get out somewhere.
these kittens are exhausting me. They need to be played with 24/7 it seems. __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Nammu
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
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#148
Quote:
Kittens are tiring! __________________ |
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Monster on the Hill
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#149
Went the weekend without b/p. Went hardcore at it today though. Was feeling almost hypomanic after lots of purging and now I'm in the sh**ty feeling after now.
The kittens literally just left their food to eat house plants. edit: actually that was a lie I think I purged yesterday __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear
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Monster on the Hill
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#150
Possible trigger:
But I'm learning some pretty cool things on the piano. I should pick up the guitar again, but I'm afraid the kittens will want to play (with the cable) too! I hope my ACT person calls today considering I didn't have weekly therapy yesterday and called the emergency line yesterday with some serious shyt. But I'm not expecting anything. __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear, Nammu
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catches the flowers
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#151
The music is excellent! I'm sad about the purging. Did your ACT person call?
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Fuzzybear
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Monster on the Hill
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#152
Nah, no call from ACT person. But the last guy I talked to gave me his cell phone number in case the emergency line doesn't call me back. Which makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to intrude on whatever he's got going on. I don't know his working/sleeping schedule.
Right now I'm smelling potent Pemi poots __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*
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Monster on the Hill
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#153
I just wrote this in my journal and realized how fccked this is.
Possible trigger:
I think I need help. I don't know if this is an "I should call on-call" crisis or wait until I talk to someone from ACT, but this is lowkey sui thoughts/actions. Weight loss isn't my motivating factor, it's just a bonus.
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__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*
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Crone
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#154
I’d call. The purging is likely more passive sui but the taking of extra meds, that’s more worrisome.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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*Beth*
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#155
I agree with Nammu
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel |
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*Beth*
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catches the flowers
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#156
I very much agree with Nammu and Rainbow, Boots. "Just one more pill" and your other thoughts are suicidal thinking, sweetpea. I swear to God, you are one human being we need on this planet. Please do what you need to do to stick around
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Fuzzybear
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Monster on the Hill
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#157
Have yet to call. Don't really feel like taking the extra pills anymore. I talk to someone tomorrow irl (hopefully).
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear, Nammu, Victoria'smom
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#158
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Monster on the Hill
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#159
So I just got done talking with my case worker. I told her about the pills (that I had some, not that I took some) and she drove me to the police station to drop them off (but I only dropped off some really old Kpin, I still have a sht ton more of valium). I told her about the bloody vomit and she said that's not a good thing but she didn't seem super concerned. I think she wants me to tell my mom I've been binging and purging and that if I don't I'm at risk of cutting myself again or something like that, but I think that's BS. If I'm harming myself, I'm happy. B/P is a form of self harm so no need to cut.
I just feel so fccking numb all the time. I'm okay if I'm writing or playing the piano or guitar or some sort of self harm, but the rest of the time I just feel...idk...like nothing's real/nothing matters/there is only a very small probability this is actually reality so why go through this? __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, BeyondtheRainbow, Nammu
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catches the flowers
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#160
~~~~~ ~~~~~
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MuddyBoots
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