[*Beth*]

^^^ That post was 2 days ago. What's happening now, Boots?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

^^^ That post was 2 days ago. What's happening now, Boots?

My therapist agreed it was best I quit the job. My "eating disorder" (in quotes because not sure if it's a genuine eating disorder or not) is totally out of control.

Possible trigger:

Wednesday and Thursday I purged everything, did not eat anything Friday/Saturday/Sunday, ate normal yesterday, and binged/purged twice today. Occasionally there's small amounts of blood in my vomit. I know I should see a doctor, but I can't. I really just can't.

I've been super sleepy and busy with the kittens lately so I probably won't update super often. Don't worry about me though, I'll be fine

[*Beth*]

Thank you for checking in, Boots; I would have worried. Sounds like your t is approaching the job situation with good sense.

[MuddyBoots]

I want/need to stop the binging and purging. More so need than want because there's even more blood now. I just don't know how (without going back to substances or other methods of self harm....maybe I should just...never mind...).
I have this unsatiable desire to self-destruct. I don't know why. I just feel like I'm bad or something. Like there is "badness" in me that I need to numb or get out somehow. I'm going to stay up until my mom goes to bed and then call the ACT team and hopefully someone good will call me back and talk to me about it. My therapist is out next week.

Had pdoc appointment. Was in good spirits then so of course I told her all was well and had been mostly well (other than the calling them freaking out about the SH last week).

[Nammu]

Oh boots, wish there was something I could say that didn’t sound corny. I’m just sitting with you while you wait.

[*Beth*]

I'm with Nammu, Boots. We're sitting here with you...waiting with you. I do understand that feeling of needing to get out a "badness" that's inside. I believe it's the result of childhood conditioning (i.e., it's PTSD). Anyway. We're here.

[MuddyBoots]

Thanks guys. I fell asleep before my mom so I didn't get to call the team. I think I see my case worker later on but my mom's home so hopefully we can get out somewhere.

these kittens are exhausting me. They need to be played with 24/7 it seems.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Thanks guys. I fell asleep before my mom so I didn't get to call the team. I think I see my case worker later on but my mom's home so hopefully we can get out somewhere.

these kittens are exhausting me. They need to be played with 24/7 it seems.

Kittens are tiring!

[MuddyBoots]

Went the weekend without b/p. Went hardcore at it today though. Was feeling almost hypomanic after lots of purging and now I'm in the sh**ty feeling after now.

The kittens literally just left their food to eat house plants.

edit: actually that was a lie I think I purged yesterday

[MuddyBoots]

Possible trigger:

Okay there was a bit more blood in my puke this morning than I have been having lately.

But I'm learning some pretty cool things on the piano. I should pick up the guitar again, but I'm afraid the kittens will want to play (with the cable) too!

I hope my ACT person calls today considering I didn't have weekly therapy yesterday and called the emergency line yesterday with some serious shyt. But I'm not expecting anything.

[*Beth*]

The music is excellent! I'm sad about the purging. Did your ACT person call?

[MuddyBoots]

Nah, no call from ACT person. But the last guy I talked to gave me his cell phone number in case the emergency line doesn't call me back. Which makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to intrude on whatever he's got going on. I don't know his working/sleeping schedule.

Right now I'm smelling potent Pemi poots

[MuddyBoots]

I just wrote this in my journal and realized how fccked this is.

Possible trigger:

I hope [binging and purging] kills me. I know it'll take a while, but the fact I'm vomiting a little blood is promising. I just wish it were more. That seems kinda ****ed up.

I think I need help. I don't know if this is an "I should call on-call" crisis or wait until I talk to someone from ACT, but this is lowkey sui thoughts/actions. Weight loss isn't my motivating factor, it's just a bonus.

Possible trigger:

Also I took extra valium the other night. I'm tempted

[Nammu]

I’d call. The purging is likely more passive sui but the taking of extra meds, that’s more worrisome.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I agree with Nammu

[*Beth*]

I very much agree with Nammu and Rainbow, Boots. "Just one more pill" and your other thoughts are suicidal thinking, sweetpea. I swear to God, you are one human being we need on this planet. Please do what you need to do to stick around

[MuddyBoots]

Have yet to call. Don't really feel like taking the extra pills anymore. I talk to someone tomorrow irl (hopefully).

[Fuzzybear]

[MuddyBoots]

So I just got done talking with my case worker. I told her about the pills (that I had some, not that I took some) and she drove me to the police station to drop them off (but I only dropped off some really old Kpin, I still have a sht ton more of valium). I told her about the bloody vomit and she said that's not a good thing but she didn't seem super concerned. I think she wants me to tell my mom I've been binging and purging and that if I don't I'm at risk of cutting myself again or something like that, but I think that's BS. If I'm harming myself, I'm happy. B/P is a form of self harm so no need to cut.

I just feel so fccking numb all the time. I'm okay if I'm writing or playing the piano or guitar or some sort of self harm, but the rest of the time I just feel...idk...like nothing's real/nothing matters/there is only a very small probability this is actually reality so why go through this?

[*Beth*]

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