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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
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#1
I feel like I'm spamming the check-in thread with my *****iness and wussiness so for those of you that don't like me I guess it's easier to just not check this thread than to scroll past my posts there.
I just called the crisis line for like the fifth time in the past two days. It's the same shyt every time "just do something you enjoy that normally helps you" well have you never been through this??? NOTHING HELPS. I tried learning a new song on keyboard and guess what I just got angrier at myself for being an incompetent piece of shyt who can do nothing but crush and snort pills. So then I tried journaling which was ok but didn't really help. I really feel like all my problems combined are too much for one person to handle and I should just end it. Even when I was clean for a year I was a wreck. So how long does this take? I may not even live a year. I'm in a city in America there's a good chance I'll get shot at the grocery store this weekend so why shouldn't I get by life the only way I know how? __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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Veteran Member
buddha1too
We are all Buddhas becoming.
Member Since: Sep 2011
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#2
I was away from the threads for quite some time, so don't know your history well. I gather, however, that you have gotten clean recently. You should feel a sense of accomplishment, even though you're feeling pretty horrible lately. Please don't give up before the miracle happens. I've been in similar spaces before & can attest to the fact that things can & do get better. Hang in there.
I know...easier written than done. And I probably sound like the crisis line you've been calling. Sorry if that's the case. |
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Crone
Nammu
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Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
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#3
Boots, not tired of you, you post as often and as much as you need to. It’s terribly hard to get clean but worth it and it does get better.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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Legendary
Victoria'smom
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Earth
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#4
Boots I'm sorry your struggling so hard.
__________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind,
body, spirit.
Member Since: Jul 2019
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#5
You keep posting every bit as much as you need to! I'm honored that you feel you can do so here.
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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#6
MuddyBoots
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
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#7
@buddha1too you might remember me by my old name, Sapien? I do recall you (and it's nice to see you again, thanks!)
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#8
I'm actually doing ok right now.
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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#9
__________________ |
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#10
I just made plans with another user. Just a walk but we all know where that'll lead....
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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bizi
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#11
ugh I'm craving so bad now.Trying so hard not to throw things or hit myself or something like that.
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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Location: Cave.
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#12
Quote:
Can you cancel the walk with another user if it will lead to ''that'' place? I'm here if you want to chat. __________________ |
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*Beth*, bizi
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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#13
__________________ |
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*Beth*, bizi
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#14
I've been texting this guy all day and he's so sweet. I can't NOT go for a walk with him. Plan is later today. I won't use though, he says he doesn't have anything on him and I don't either so I'll go for this walk and push him away like I always do.
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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bizi
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Crone
Nammu
has no updates.
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 70,982
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#15
Muddy boots for years whenever you’ve had negative emotional responses you’ve reached for drugs or drink, instant relief. What they are telling you in the crisis line is stuff that does not provide instant relief but takes time to work. Might you ask the act team to help you learn distress tolerance? It’s a part of DBT skills training but I’m thinking it would help you a lot. It takes time and is hard to learn to sit with feelings when you’ve learned that drugs will get rid of or change the negative emotions almost instantly. I’m not saying this is easy or quick but it does work.
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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bizi
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*Beth*, bizi, Fuzzybear, MuddyBoots, ronkuby
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind,
body, spirit.
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#16
^^^ Excellent idea about distress tolerance.
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#17
Nammu that is a great idea. I've never had the opportunity to do DBT but maybe ACT can teach me some skills or even get me into a program.
Hanging out with that guy--we actually went to a meeting. Not gonna hang out with him again. __________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, bizi, Fuzzybear, Nammu
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*Beth*, bizi
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Crone
Nammu
has no updates.
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 70,982
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#18
Oh a meeting was a good idea 👍
__________________ Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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bizi
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Monster on the Hill
MuddyBoots
Bricks through the window and I think it's time I
go
Member Since: Sep 2020
Location: by the river
Posts: 4,093
(SuperPoster!)
4,819 hugs
given |
#19
I'm really struggling now. I know it'll get better, but when? I don't ever remember really enjoying life without causing harm to myself.
__________________ If any chord that I could strum Make me feel less like a man I'd slam my fingers in the doorway And shatter all the bones So I could never strum again |
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*Beth*, BeyondtheRainbow, bizi, Fuzzybear, Nammu
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bizi
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind,
body, spirit.
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
23.7k hugs
given |
#20
Pursue the idea of DBT/distress tolerance.
It WILL get better. I have seen it happen over and over and over with so many friends. __________________ |
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bizi, Fuzzybear
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MuddyBoots
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