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MuddyBoots
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Trig Jul 14, 2022 at 07:55 PM
  #1
I feel like I'm spamming the check-in thread with my *****iness and wussiness so for those of you that don't like me I guess it's easier to just not check this thread than to scroll past my posts there.

I just called the crisis line for like the fifth time in the past two days. It's the same shyt every time "just do something you enjoy that normally helps you" well have you never been through this??? NOTHING HELPS. I tried learning a new song on keyboard and guess what I just got angrier at myself for being an incompetent piece of shyt who can do nothing but crush and snort pills. So then I tried journaling which was ok but didn't really help. I really feel like all my problems combined are too much for one person to handle and I should just end it.
Even when I was clean for a year I was a wreck. So how long does this take? I may not even live a year. I'm in a city in America there's a good chance I'll get shot at the grocery store this weekend so why shouldn't I get by life the only way I know how?

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Default Jul 14, 2022 at 09:11 PM
  #2
I was away from the threads for quite some time, so don't know your history well. I gather, however, that you have gotten clean recently. You should feel a sense of accomplishment, even though you're feeling pretty horrible lately. Please don't give up before the miracle happens. I've been in similar spaces before & can attest to the fact that things can & do get better. Hang in there.

I know...easier written than done. And I probably sound like the crisis line you've been calling. Sorry if that's the case.
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Default Jul 14, 2022 at 10:21 PM
  #3
Boots, not tired of you, you post as often and as much as you need to. It’s terribly hard to get clean but worth it and it does get better.

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Default Jul 14, 2022 at 11:06 PM
  #4
Boots I'm sorry your struggling so hard.

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 02:10 AM
  #5
You keep posting every bit as much as you need to! I'm honored that you feel you can do so here.

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 05:39 AM
  #6
MuddyBoots

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 08:09 AM
  #7
@buddha1too you might remember me by my old name, Sapien? I do recall you (and it's nice to see you again, thanks!)

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 08:10 AM
  #8
I'm actually doing ok right now.

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If any chord that I could strum
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 08:33 AM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
I'm actually doing ok right now.
That's great to hear MuddyBoots!

Boots' "just trying to make it through the days" thread

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 09:53 AM
  #10
I just made plans with another user. Just a walk but we all know where that'll lead....

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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 10:19 AM
  #11
ugh I'm craving so bad now.Trying so hard not to throw things or hit myself or something like that.

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 10:28 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
ugh I'm craving so bad now.Trying so hard not to throw things or hit myself or something like that.
Hey MuddyBoots, thanks for trusting us enough to share here in this thread.

Can you cancel the walk with another user if it will lead to ''that'' place?

I'm here if you want to chat.


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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 10:30 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
I just made plans with another user. Just a walk but we all know where that'll lead....
Wondering if you can cancel, or maybe delay the walk? Urgent phone call? idk..

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 12:11 PM
  #14
I've been texting this guy all day and he's so sweet. I can't NOT go for a walk with him. Plan is later today. I won't use though, he says he doesn't have anything on him and I don't either so I'll go for this walk and push him away like I always do.

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 02:00 PM
  #15
Muddy boots for years whenever you’ve had negative emotional responses you’ve reached for drugs or drink, instant relief. What they are telling you in the crisis line is stuff that does not provide instant relief but takes time to work. Might you ask the act team to help you learn distress tolerance? It’s a part of DBT skills training but I’m thinking it would help you a lot. It takes time and is hard to learn to sit with feelings when you’ve learned that drugs will get rid of or change the negative emotions almost instantly. I’m not saying this is easy or quick but it does work.

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 03:47 PM
  #16
^^^ Excellent idea about distress tolerance.

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 06:41 PM
  #17
Nammu that is a great idea. I've never had the opportunity to do DBT but maybe ACT can teach me some skills or even get me into a program.

Hanging out with that guy--we actually went to a meeting. Not gonna hang out with him again.

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If any chord that I could strum
Make me feel less like a man
I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
So I could never strum again
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 06:53 PM
  #18
Oh a meeting was a good idea 👍

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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 08:18 PM
  #19
I'm really struggling now. I know it'll get better, but when? I don't ever remember really enjoying life without causing harm to myself.

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If any chord that I could strum
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I'd slam my fingers in the doorway
And shatter all the bones
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Default Jul 15, 2022 at 11:29 PM
  #20
Pursue the idea of DBT/distress tolerance.


It WILL get better. I have seen it happen over and over and over with so many friends.

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