Bipolar check-in #68

*Beth* · 11:56 PM

Wow, that was a HUGE waste of energy. I did the chat and there was an annoying bell sound that kept interrupting. I asked the counselor what it was and she asked me if I often "hear things." Um, no. I have never hallucinated voices or sounds. So I told her that and she asked me to restart my computer. I told her forget it. Then I had to answer a big survey. Now I'm just completely exhausted.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, I'll get more out of being with my stylist than I do from any therapist or counselor. Just fu*k everything.

-------------------------------------

Maybe the Kpin has helped me to calm down, finally. I've been able to stop crying and stop caring about things people are doing to me. The paranoia has decreased. Now I will take my regular meds plus Seroquel for sleep and lie down. And hopefully, sleep. I have found a youtube thing that plays only the sound of the ocean, for 11 hours. All 5 cats are gathered here, listening. Perhaps 10 Kpin, 5 cats, and 1 ocean sound audio is the answer to my woes.

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 12:33 AM

Possible trigger:

I'm scared, I'm really scared. I'm afraid of how finished I feel. My aunt was 60 years and 9 months old when she suicided. She had dogs she adored. But I guess even they weren't enough, eventually. In 14 months I'll be that age. Are people at peace when they make the decision? Or is it different for different people? I was reading the other day about Marvin Gaye. His own father shot and killed Marvin on the eve of Marvin's birthday. Marvin had intervened in a fight between his parents when his dad shot him. Marvin's last words were, "I couldn't do it myself, so he did it for me."

BeyondtheRainbow · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:00 AM

Beth, is there a foster program near you that might be willing to take your kitties for a few days so you can go IP and start feeling better? I'm pretty sure there was one that did that when I did home health.

Mountaindewed · Jul 29, 2022 at 05:20 AM

@*Beth* I'm worried about you. Stay safe.

Fuzzybear · Jul 29, 2022 at 06:43 AM

Beth, thinking of you and the kitties and the ocean sounds.

Halliebeth, I’m sorry for your loss.

Love all around.

Moose72 · Jul 29, 2022 at 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

pdoc unavaialble until monday will call crisis line as soon as david leaves moose i'm desperate i'm not well i've done something not good to myself i can't make this

You CAN do this! You can get help! I know you're in the thick of things right now but "this, too, shall pass" as my mother used to say. Let me know how the call to the crisis line goes.

Moose72 · Jul 29, 2022 at 10:44 AM

@*Beth* What do you mean there's no one to take care of your kitties? What about your husband?

MuddyBoots · Jul 29, 2022 at 11:27 AM

Stay safe, Beth. We're worried about ya. I'm sure there are options for your cats if you need IP (which it sounds like you do). If there are no foster programs like Rainbow mentioned maybe you could find a local pet-sitter?
Hugs from Bean & me

beanboi.jpeg

Fuzzybear · Jul 29, 2022 at 11:47 AM

Hi Beth, I'm worried about you. Stay safe.
You know where to find me......

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Beth, is there a foster program near you that might be willing to take your kitties for a few days so you can go IP and start feeling better? I'm pretty sure there was one that did that when I did home health.

I don't know. I do know that the cats would be terribly upset to have to leave home, each other, and our schedule. And of course, I'd have to have someone with extensive knowledge of feline diabetes for Sidney. But thanks, Rainbow, fostering is an idea I have never thought about.

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Hi Beth, I'm worried about you. Stay safe.
You know where to find me......

You are lovely, Fuzzy Dear. Thank you. (((((Gentle bear hugs)))))

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

@*Beth* I'm worried about you. Stay safe.

Thank you, hun. That means a lot to me.

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

@*Beth* What do you mean there's no one to take care of your kitties? What about your husband?

He's not capable of taking care of anything. He can barely care for himself. David's situation is a HUGE stressor for me and for Noah. We're waiting with our fingers crossed for David to be given 100% veteran's disability (hopefully, we'll hear in August). If that happens, it gives me more financial security, also full medical care - even dentistry.

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Stay safe, Beth. We're worried about ya. I'm sure there are options for your cats if you need IP (which it sounds like you do). If there are no foster programs like Rainbow mentioned maybe you could find a local pet-sitter?
Hugs from Bean & me

Attachment 12697

Hi Boots, thanks for the hugs from you and Bean This is a time I wish I had a savings account and major money in it. A pet sitter would be amazing.

Thanks for the pic of Bean

HALLIEBETH87 · Jul 29, 2022 at 02:02 PM

I’m
Having a freaking panic attack. Haven’t had one in forever.

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 02:25 PM

Thank you all so much. I feel absolutely blessed to be part of our group.

I realize now that I had been working up to a hypomania for quite a while. By the time I got to DMV and had to deal with being in a small office, packed with people and very noisy, and so freakin' HOT in there. Then all the paperwork, computer forms, more cost than they posted online to renew my license. There was a baby screaming loudly, the entire time I was there. HOURS and the baby did not stop screaming. I get that the mother had to do what she was there for, but that poor baby was obviously not doing well, so I don't know what the mother had in her head. It was screaming non-stop SO loudly. The whole experience just pushed me over the edge, when I had already walked into the place in an unstable state. Plus, my extreme anxiety about taking London to the vet the next day was haunting me.

And the heat. It does look like the temperature will finally drop below 100 next week.

What totally put me over the side of the cliff yesterday was that one of the mods in the feline diabetes group disagreed with me on a protocol and she was condescending, shaming, and told me that she wasn't about to be there for me if I killed my cat.

I went crazy. I do give myself credit for calmly telling her not to communicate with me anymore. So I remained calm and set a healthy boundary. But that was when I took all the Kpin. Then the 988 chat with the dippy girl who told me to restart my computer, after I told her I was in crisis. Unbelievable. btw @Nammu, I so appreciate that you went to the trouble of looking up the 988 info. I just got a dud for a counselor. Hopefully, there are better ones...I'm sure there are.

On top of all that, stupid monkeypox is raging among gay men in San Francisco. It's bringing back the horror, for me, of AIDS back in the 80's when my father lived in San Fran. He was an interior designer, not gay himself, but worked with many gay men. AIDS decimated the gay community in the city, which is a huge community there. That time was absolutely awful, and the memories I have of it are so terribly sad. Maybe I'll make a separate post at some point, because the story is long.

I don't want to glide over my tremendous gratitude for London's excellent vet visit. Yes, he does have asthma, but it's mild and will hopefully stay so.

So today I feel less energized, just depressed and very tired - kickback from taking all that Kpin. I would like to sleep all day, but I'm getting my hair cut. My stylist was so kind, she's driving into town from where she lives just to do my hair. She's awesome, a really cool lady. I have to find the energy to make it through. Hopefully, the Luvox has kicked in some so I don't feel as unstable today.

Even with everything yesterday, I did manage an hour of skating.

Never look directly at the sun, instead look at the sunflower

*Beth* · Jul 29, 2022 at 02:27 PM

I'm thinking of @wildflowerchild25. I feel sure she's IP, but it seems like a long time.

@Jennifer 1967 - how are you?

Moose72 · Jul 29, 2022 at 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

He's not capable of taking care of anything. He can barely care for himself. David's situation is a HUGE stressor for me and for Noah. We're waiting with our fingers crossed for David to be given 100% veteran's disability (hopefully, we'll hear in August). If that happens, it gives me more financial security, also full medical care - even dentistry.

What about Noah- can he take care of the cats?

I hope David gets the full disability!

Nammu · Jul 29, 2022 at 02:57 PM

@Beth

n

Yeah I think wildflower is ip

Ouch, my arms are so sore. I had my second shingles shot in one arm and a pneumonia shot in the other. After that I had to submit to the mammogram machine.

Then last night I tried the edible gummy’s again. This time two of them, I was slightly buzzed but it didn’t help with sleep. I’ll give it another try maybe next week? I think if I try 3 times I can say I gave it the old college try.

The insurance refused to cover the 1.75 mg of ambien and it was over $150 dollars for 14 pills. So I’m going from 2.5 to nothing starting Sunday night. But so far I haven’t had any physical withdrawals like I did when I tried myself to go off. So I’m hopeful.

Sending calming peaceful vibes to everyone here. ✨

Scooter9 · Jul 29, 2022 at 03:32 PM

I saw my pdoc in person. She upped my Prozac and left everything else the same.

I'm applying for another job. I like working where I am now but there's no room to grow. So the job I'm applying for is at a higher level but it's an intermediate level. So it leaves room to grow. It's a long process so it could be a while before I hear anything about it.

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Bipolar check-in #68

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,791 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,763 hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 05:20 AM #24 @Beth I'm worried about you. Stay safe. __________________ I'm Blue
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,467 (SuperPoster!) 22 81.4k hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 06:43 AM #25 Beth, thinking of you and the kitties and the ocean sounds. Halliebeth, I’m sorry for your loss. Love all around. __________________
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MuddyBoots Monster on the Hill Member Since Sep 2020 Location: by the river Posts: 5,513 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,436 hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 11:27 AM #28 Stay safe, Beth. We're worried about ya. I'm sure there are options for your cats if you need IP (which it sounds like you do). If there are no foster programs like Rainbow mentioned maybe you could find a local pet-sitter? Hugs from Bean & me beanboi.jpeg __________________ [Insert thought-provoking and comedic quote here]
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Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,467 (SuperPoster!) 22 81.4k hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 11:47 AM #29 Hi Beth, I'm worried about you. Stay safe. You know where to find me...... __________________
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HALLIEBETH87 Legendary Member Since Oct 2004 Location: usa Posts: 11,603 20 2,808 hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 02:02 PM #35 I’m Having a freaking panic attack. Haven’t had one in forever. __________________ schizoaffective bipolar type PTSD generalized anxiety d/o haldol, prazosin, risperdal and prn klonopin and helpful cogentin
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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 5 23.7k hugs given	Jul 29, 2022 at 02:27 PM #37 I'm thinking of @wildflowerchild25. I feel sure she's IP, but it seems like a long time. @Jennifer 1967 - how are you? __________________
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