Bipolar check-in #68

I'm not enjoying my mom's company very much. Yesterday she was telling me how much like my dad I am; today she spent like an hour complaining about basically every aspect of him including those aspects that we share. I'm not really sleeping as well as I thought I would either. I did sleep about 5 hours straight last night but that was with some help from mj.

I gotta find my own place but I can't afford it and I feel so stuck and I'm about to freak the f**k out and she's not helping.

The prestiq is still working like magic. I saw my endocronoglist today and he said this was the best he's ever seen me. He said I was very present and I wasn't relying so much on my mom. I got out to breakfast and did some shopping. My mom and I needed new sim cards for our phones and we needed to buy pool noodles for our vacation. I also picked up my sleep study equimpent. I'm all hooked up now and I hate this no oxygen oxygen thing I have on. I feel like I have to breathe out of my mouth. But its better then going to the sleep lab. Where they put even more stuff on you.

I've been so cold lately to the point I've been wearing my blanket like a cape around the house and I've been procrastinating doing stuff because I'm cold. So I finally just ordered a hoodie flannel blanket from Amazon that I can wear around the house. That should do the trick. I am always turning down the AC in the car and today the nurse turned off the fan for me. I am checked for anemia every 4 weeks and I'm always fine.

My Old Navy jeans didn't fit. I was really looking forward to them. I really can only wear skater/surfer brands. Which is great when you look like your in college but 10 years from now I'm not sure how good a flannel hoodie will look on a 39 year old. My therapist was also complaning about Old Navy.

I took 2 valium yesterday. Then 1.5 today. I have 2 more to get me until Sunday. I could try to get it refilled tommorow. But the actual refill date is the 1st. So I'd better wait until Sunday. I wonder if the decrease in valium is why I'm so aware and present now. I don't get why I'm not having really bad withdrawels. Valium is a tough one to get off.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I'm not enjoying my mom's company very much. Yesterday she was telling me how much like my dad I am; today she spent like an hour complaining about basically every aspect of him including those aspects that we share. I'm not really sleeping as well as I thought I would either. I did sleep about 5 hours straight last night but that was with some help from mj. I gotta find my own place but I can't afford it and I feel so stuck and I'm about to freak the f**k out and she's not helping.

What a rotten thing to do to you.

Just wanted to say I get the same thing from my mum. She always goes on and on about how awful dad was, then compares me to him. He died nearly 20 years ago but she can’t let go. I just do grey rock and stop listening, then she’ll get exasperated with me and say loudly I’m not listening to her.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 What about Noah- can he take care of the cats? I hope David gets the full disability!

Noah lives in San Francisco, it's 90 miles away from me and literally hours of traffic. The traffic situation in this state is awful. He wouldn't be able to stay here because he has to work.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed The prestiq is still working like magic. ...

I am so, so happy to hear that, Md

Sheesh, don't worry about how it'll look when you're 39! You'll look great.

@Mountaindewed That hoodie blanket sounds awesome! Sorry about the valium. You'll make it to Monday I'm sure.

My mind is racing something terrible. The 25mg of Seroquel doesn't put me to sleep, it's like water. I need 50mg. Maybe I can get in bed at 7 p.m. and set the alarm to wake up at 9:30 to take care of cat needs. Maybe I'll take more Seroquel this week-end and tell med dude I need an AP. Something is broken, something has gone very wrong. My mind is racing so fast I feel sick and I am exhausted.

I hope things stabilize for you soon, Beth. You sound miserable.

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Originally Posted by buddha1too I hope things stabilize for you soon, Beth. You sound miserable.

Thanks, buddha. Yeah, I'm doing about as rotten as the Giants are, haha.

I'm wondering if the Lamictal has suddenly stopped working. I can't stop crying. Med dude says I'm at "ceiling dose" with the Lamictal, but he's young and not experienced. I've had pdocs prescribe up to 300mg Lamictal. It's so hard because they get insulted if you tell them about something a different doctor did.

I'll take extra Lamictal over the week-end, though, and see if it jolts something. At this point I'm beyond crisis line. Supposedly the county has opened a place where someone can drop in and talk to a therapist and even get help with medication, if necessary. But this county is absurdly huge and the drop-in place is 25 miles away, the only way there being a wind-ey river road that cars crash on practically every day. And me with my gas tank almost on empty. I think the place closes at 9. Oh, well, I'll google and see if I can find out about it. Maybe in light of the gas price they'll do something.

Okay, yeah, they close at 9 p.m. 7 days/week, though. That's pretty good.

Well, I'll take 250mg Lamictal tonight. The foolish thing was taking so much kpin last night. I had forgotten how it screws up mood.

I think at this point the drop in place sounds like a good idea.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I think at this point the drop in place sounds like a good idea.

It does, but they close in 40 mins. I wouldn't be able to get there in time. Why there isn't a place like that in this town is anybody's guess.

Thank you, Moose

Beth

My guests are finally leaving. We ran out of money for gas haven't seen miguel in 2 or more weeks. We see him tomorrow. I'm so excited.

@*Beth* I'm sorry to read how unwell you feel. It is a shame when one feels they can't get higher level mental health care because of obligations like work or on your case, pets. As for pets, I've heard of "pet sitters" that are part of a formal group and may even have references. Perhaps you may want to look into that. Not sure if any of their pet sitters would have experience with a diabetic cat, but maybe you could have your four healthier kitties stay at home for a pet sitter coming in, and your diabetic kitty boarded at a vet's office? The latter would likely be more expensive, but you are worth it. Pet sitters need only come in once per day to look in on them and change their food and litter. The beauty of healthy cats is that they are much lower maintenance than dogs or parrots.

Another month, another financial pickle. Quite a pickle this one is. I committed to a bug spray regimen for the house a couple of weeks ago, because I was certain I was going to be employed by this point. Not a bad deal: $60 for the first month and $40 for every month after with visits every three months. I got the company to push the payment back to the end of the month because... well, expected employment. If I can't pay up, I'm due for $300 in cancellation fees.

Another unpleasant surprise: the water got shut off end of the day yesterday. At least, that's when I noticed it. So, I get to go the weekend at least without a shower. The water and utilities were one of the bills the family was helping out with, so I'm at a loss as to what happened! Well, Monday will include a trip to City Hall. Good news: If this becomes a drawn out affair, I have a place to go take a shower and/or do laundry. Bad news: It's my cousin's place. He's gonna love that.

Positive note: Electric and internet are still up and running and current. I won't have to worry about them ending over the next month. So, there's that!

It's a relief that Hubby went for a weekend trip with his friend who came to stay in the area for a month. It just raced by, mostly because of the covid we had. The friend soon heads to Estonia for a month. I'm relieved not because he's leaving, but because we have so many things on our plate coming up.

Next Wednesday is a contract signing for the property we wish to buy. Hubby is going through it with a fine toothed comb and making changes to the doc (he luckily has a degree in law). If all goes well, we provide the deposit on that day. One step closer to possible ownership of the whole property. I won't write much more right now because lots of ideas are racing through both of our minds.

My nephew left the psych hospital last night. I don't know what to think about that. I'm far enough removed that I suppose I should just contact him saying "Hello" and leave it at that, right now.

@*Beth* I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I’m concerned about you and your well-being. Please be safe. Sending hugs, healing vibes and prayers.

I had a busy week and was fatigued yesterday so I took the day completely off to rest. A good book, cable, soft blanket, soft bamboo socks, tangerine tea, a lilac candle and a large vase of sunflowers and crepe myrtle picked the day before. Delightful. I may repeat today. It’s a rainy, overcast day. Perfect for nesting and resting.

Summer is rolling right along. Hard to believe it is almost August. I’ve been feeling somewhat depressed. Each time, I take an extra Vraylar and feel better in hours. I may ask my med provider to increase it going forward.

Hugs to all that need them.