[MuddyBoots]

I've been extra impulsive for quite a while, but I figure that's just environmental/social stress + BPD. I was sleeping okay although a bit erratically. A lot of emotional outbursts and just generally feeling like the rollercoaster got a bit more intense, but I mean I haven't really felt okay since, I don't know, after rehab and PHP last summer?

I am seeing more of my traditional mania warning signs though. Pacing about talking to myself, starting to listen to a song and then thinking "I know of a better song!" and switching sometimes still during the intro, getting straight into an intense exercise routine, some grandiose thinking combined with irritability and feeling victimized ("the world sucks and everyone's done me wrong, I'm the only decent person on this planet, if so-and-so didn't do this, I would be president or an olympian or whatever greatness I desire If other so-and-so wasn't such a douche to me, I'd be the epitome of competency." and so on and so on). Euphoric feelings are lasting longer (still a feeling's coaster, but like the "badnes" doesn't feel like a legitimate depression, just "I don't like this sensation and I want to get rid of it now so I will" (insert unhealthy behavior with immediate gratification)). I'm not 100% sure on this but I might be having some delusional thinking, like convincing myself my (ex?) partner is making a bunch of porn, but then twisting that into being a good thing like "they have sex with plenty of other people, but they choose me to spend their quality time with," progressing to "they're trying to make me feel special so they can get me to do whatever they want me to for them. They *just* have sex with others for money, with me they want to trap me and gain a sense of power by ripping me apart saying they're fixing me even though I'm already as broken as it gets by society's standards and there is no fixing me to the point this corrupt world wants me." And then there's a lot of thoughts about being amortal. I haven't even thought of sui the past few days which is a tad concerning as weird as that sounds, but killing myself feels as possible as swimming out a black hole.

When I look in the mirror too it could go either way to an extreme instead of immediate disgust which is out of the norm.

I don't know, maybe I'm just getting better.

Will discuss with T this week. Do not have a pdoc/am not on meds so not sure what can be done.

[SquarePegGuy]

Your post seems poetic

[bizi]

Perhaps a mood stabilizer would calm things down for you I take lamictal don't have any issues with it. It is the first line of defense. Can you get a pdoc?
You certainly have a lot of stressors and would benefit from some kind of med because you are getting manic which is a very bad way to be. I am glad that you recognize some of you symptoms. This good insight.
just worried about you.
bizi

[MuddyBoots]

I do not think I will be getting a pdoc any time soon (have gotten a referral to one though from my therapist/case manager). Wait times are a little ridiculous as is their caseload.

SELF-MEDICATION!!!!!!

[Blueberrybook]

It's good that you recognize your symptoms. I agree it sounds like you are manic. Are you at least on a waitlist for a pdoc? It might be a good idea to have a regular pdoc for times like this. If not for right now, at least in the future. You might need meds at least temporarily to stabilize your mood if you don't want to be on them long term. I doubt you want to end up in the psych hospital.

I'm glad you at least have a T to discuss this with. When you see your T are you at least honest and forthright about what you are going through or do you tend to lie & sugarcoat things? Just asking because when I'm manic I tend to gloss things through with my pdoc, and I never was good at being honest with a T.

[MuddyBoots]

I am on a waitlist. A very long waitlist indeed.

In the past I haven't been super honest with therapists because when I am they've always either totally invalidated any concerns until it got to the point of obviously needing hospitalization. Maybe I just suck at making concerns sound concerning. I used to have a tendency to turn everything into a (dark, sick) joke. I haven't done that so far with new T. I just kinda got slapped in the face with some "maybe...just maybe, a bipolar episode is looming around the corner" thoughts yesterday so I haven't really had a chance to bring this active concern up yet.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I do not think I will be getting a pdoc any time soon (have gotten a referral to one though from my therapist/case manager). Wait times are a little ridiculous as is their caseload.

SELF-MEDICATION!!!!!!

Okay the self-medication part was supposed to be a joke, but all of a sudden Chica and her SO was like "here's $40 and keys to my bf's car, get us a shyt ton of liquor." (Guess she trusts my preferences) Maybe I can convince a wee bit more out of them and to come along so we can go to a dispensary and act like weed connoisseurs