[MuddyBoots]

I know I said I'd do better, but I really don't think I did better last night (idk don't remember much), and all today I haven't been doing good. I've just been throwing bombs left and right, and fighting with anybody that texts/messages me. I've pushed everyone that even remotely cares about me away, and if I couldn't push them away, I've run away. I haven't even been in this city that long, and I know the ins and outs like any local. Cops look at me like I've just committed murder. I'm BANNED from a shelter.

The thing is, I keep saying I want to do better. I even believe it half the time, but I don't stop and think for a second before I do anything and my automatic response is to destroy. Everything. I. Touch.

The world would be better off without me.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes Muddy, the path of change is fraught with challenges obviously, ups and downs, times where you will be thrown from the horse only to realise you have to climb back on the horse. These conflicts you mentioned indicate stress, because it's understandably a stressful time for you or for anyone seeking to change. Never mind all that. Just keep going with your aims and goals as the prime focus, doing your best and just try not to listen to the head which will send you all kinds of self defeating messages - messages picked up from the culture, the society, and believed. But it is not to be believed Muddy. Believe in the good of what you're doing every day. It's an heroic struggle you are undertaking. Time will change you, you'll see. 🙏

[Crazy Hitch]

I don’t have any pearls of wisdom for your situation but I wanted to put my support here and let you know I’m thinking of you. It’s a difficult situation. Hugs. 🫂