Bipolar check-in #69

That is just really lousy about the dental appointment @Blue_Bird! How frustrating. I'm glad you found a good shower caddy, though. My shower has just a narrow shelf to set a few things on, but it's very small, so I have a shower caddy. It helps a lot.

Ugh, I'm so sorry about the worry thoughts @wildflowerchild25. When I have those terrible types of thoughts/images it can make me cry. I feel bad for you. Who am I to tell you, but I support your decision to chop the Haldol.

Hey, you had a good run with the 2nd job. Good for you. If I could I'd send you a U-Haul truck full of sunshine, because we have it in abundance...still.

Yeeahhh...I hear you on the opiate thing, @Aurelius710 But a movie, yes!

Let's see. This evening I made a Halloween wreath to hang on my door. It is made from all sorts of crookedy sticks and purple lights that blink and race, lots of them. And fat spiders are stuck on many of the lights so the spiders look lit-up purple. Then I strung some cob-webby stuff on the sticks and in the center. Some of the cob-web stuff I pulled away so it hangs down and floats around. Then I hung a few smaller plastic spiders on the hanging cob-web. A lot of movement. Hung it on the front door.

Tomorrow I'm going to hang plastic marigolds on my door around the wreath for Dia de los Muertos. Then, I have a lonnnggg strand of light up purple spiders to hang up somewhere. I'm thinking I'll string them inside, draped here and there. Then I can enjoy them and at night, in the evening I leave the curtain on one of my windows part-way open. So the purple spider lights will reflect out the window to complement the wreath on the door.

I am very pleased with my decorations.

There are a couple of people I'd like to bite with my vampire teeth, but I wouldn't care for the taste of their bitter flesh

Today I was working online with our book business. We've been doing that business for 14 years this month. All of a sudden I had a thought about all the pets and people I've lost and all I will lose. I cried. It hurt like howling hell. Sooner or later there will no one at all who even tries to understand me, no one who even cares. It will all be over and the fight will be lost. This Tiger, in blazes.

I hate such thoughts.

( @bizi you are also a Tiger!)

Today I ran the a/c with the windows partly open. Doing that makes the perfect temperature. A fake 72 degrees. Pathetic.

Oh love, sweet love.

Today we scattered my father's ashes. He died 3.5 years ago but it's taken a lot of coaxing to get my brother here with appropriate weather. So I was thrilled my brother actually came (I wasn't doing it without him).


It was weird to see all that remained of a terrifying man was a 10 lb bag of ashes. We released the ashes into a creek where we used to have picnics many years ago. Some of the few good memories. He had left a letter with his final wishes and asked to have the ashes scattered in a river near where he lived but that's 9 hours from here and we decided there was more sentimentality in this creek anyway.

I just can't believe it is over. I no longer have that part of him; he's truly gone. I know he's been gone since the minute he died but I think I feel like he's completely at peace now. I don't know.

And now I have another reason that I'm having a hard time falling asleep.

What a weird day.

I wish you peace and a restful mind right now, @BeyondtheRainbow.

I really have appreciated the support here, during this hard time for my family. Again, thank you so much! Last night my sister said that stage 4 pancreatic cancer was confirmed to my brother. He has a couple additional tests, but the oncologist said they would start chemo in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, he is having a surgery to again address his Afib issues with his heart. My poor brother is just inundated with severe health issues! When I saw him over WhatsApp he was so ill-looking it was heart-breaking. Sadly, that sort of prepared me to hear the news above. He tells my sister and me he plans to fight this, but also accepts the possibility that he may lose the battle. Alex Trebec of Jeopardy also dealt with this horrible cancer. As this forum is focused on bipolar disorder, I will now limit my future posts about my brother's condition. This is my family's challenge. There's obviously a chance this will affect my moods. I hope to focus on coping tools from this point on, and to supporting others here, as well. Hugs to all.

@BeyondtheRainbow, I'm glad your family finally got together to spread your dad's ashes. I know the relief, as my dad kept my mother's urn in his bedroom closet (seemed disrespectful) for some years before we finally did what your family did. It was a relief when we did. A good means of closure.

Hubby is going into Prague today through tomorrow, so I'll have the house to myself. The main event there is his elementary school reunion. Yes, elementary school. I had never even heard of such a thing before him, and apparently it's not uncommon here. I only had high school or college ones. I barely even remember the names of a few kids I went to elementary school with. Hubby's been going to these reunions throughout his life, when able to participate. I think it will do Hubby good to see some friends.

This morning at breakfast, I did something that was a little loving tease directed at my husband. He obviously liked it. Then it came to my mind that that's a type of thing my brother would likely do, and my last dear parrot. It brought a smile to both of our faces.

@Soupe du jour my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as your brother gears up to fight. We are here to support you.

October is gearing up to be a great month with many positive, joyful and fun things occurring. S & I have a fun day trip planned today in a very large city - I wish I could say to where. In the past I would have said. I’m not comfortable doing that at this time. I will say we are going to head to the art museum first after breakfast which will be pancakes with white chocolate chips and fresh raspberries. I don’t eat that way often but when I do I thoroughly enjoy it. No matter where I’ve traveled, even in Russia, the first stop is always the art museums. Palaces are nice but it’s the art museums I go for.

We love the ADT package we got. The security cameras with two way speaking capability that you can view through your cell phone are incredible. It only starts recording when motion is detected and it notifies your cell phone. You can view it from hundreds of miles away even. Since ADT was out here for hours and it was obvious to the neighbors that they were installing cameras and the police came out for the latest car break in - we’ve had a pause in activity. Yay!

I hope everyone has a peaceful Friday. Much love

Sunflower, I'm so glad to read that you got the ADT set up. We were/are concerned about your safety. Home is supposed to be a safe haven.

Have a great time wherever you are headed. The pancakes sound so delish! I love that kind of thing, too. I'm glad to read something positive. Made me smile.

If you’re genuinely only not eating much because you’re not hungry - then just force yourself to eat more. Yeah it will be uncomfortable for a little while but it will work. You will get more of an appetite eventually from your body expecting more food.

If it’s an eating disorder thing though then yeah, it’s something you need to work on with your therapist.

@Soupe du jour.

@Beth ; your decorations sound wonderful. The wreath especially. Enjoy 😊

Omg I fell back asleep. Missed my dr appt and now I’m so mad at myself! I called to see if I can at least do labsZ still waiting to hear

@*Beth* your decorations sound awesome! I don’t usually put too many Halloween decorations inside but RS does up the outside something fierce! We were going to do it last weekend but oh, the rain. It was just terrible. So this weekend will be the weekend.

We might actually get to see trick or treat-ers this year because my son said he might not go (oh, be still my heart!). He thinks he’s too old for costumes and he never really liked costumes anyway. I still remember when he was in preschool and I bought him a SpongeBob costume, and two days before the parade he refused to wear it! I wanted him to put it on to try it out but he cried so much I put it away. I rushed out and bought an orange tee shirt and some paint from the craft store and very clumsily painted a jack o lantern my clinician says I have “loose boundaries” with him and I guess this is where it started!

Your decorations sound awesome Beth!

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I got a couple cheap decorations at family dollar the other day. I do realize the N at the end of Halloween is broke at the tip of the letter. That’s okay though.

Oh, those are nice blue bird 🐦

I was anxious this morning from the caffeine I had. My anxiety has just been rough in general since yesterday afternoon. Also I'm heading into my SAD. My mom and I took a small road trip. I got a Calvin Klein winter coat and a North Face jacket thing at Platos Closet. I got a couple looks from people today but they were not weird looks, they were almost like concerned looks or something. They didn't make me want to bolt out the door or anything though the way I normally want to when people look at me. They didn't make me feel uneasy. Anyways we picked up Mcdonalds for lunch and now I'm trying to figure out how I feel about my therapy situation. Right now I'm just kinda numb about it. I sent her a couple rant emails but I haven't gotten a reply. I have to see the dentist. I think I have a cavity. Also twice when I've leaned over my bed it feels like I'm getting a bloody nose but just a bunch of yellow stuff comes out instead. Yeah, with this fatigue and weight and food and mood issues I have to get that blood work done. I'll probably go tommorow morning.

Soupe Sending you good thoughts and love.

Beth ~that wreath sounds spooky and lovely

Blue ~those are really cute decorations! I love the dollar store stuff !

Wild ~have you checked on going back on Invega with your insurance company ? If I remember right the shot worked well for you? I hope whatever you land on gives you long term stability.

Sunflower ~ Your plans sound Amazing !! Enjoy every minute. So glad ADT is up and running! Hopefully that will stop all the madness that’s been going on.

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Yes christina I’ve thought about invega, you’re right I stayed out of the hospital for two and a half years on that one. Problem is it raised my prolactin so I gained a lot of weight. But if I go to an endocrinologist I can get that taken care of as well. Sucks to take another med to counteract one but I’m at the point in my life where I have to take what I can get.

I am doing more Halloween & Dia de los Muertos decorating. I found the most gorgeous fan for Dia at the Dollar Tree, of all places (which is actually the $1.25 store). The fan is classic Dia with colorful skulls on a silky fan, black lace, a rose on the handle with colorful ribbons hanging down. The fan is going on my door, too. Also picked up a black-light bulb to put in my outside light. They didn't have any plastic marigolds, though! I was so pissed. I mean, this town is more Mexican than Anglo. Where are the marigolds?!