Bipolar check-in #71

@Soupe du jour are you ok? I've not seen you around lately.

My anxiety actually isn't too bad today. Not like the crippling stuff I had been having. I called my pdoc yesterday to see if he could help me out and he was just like "we'll discuss things at your next appointment." Which is at the end of the month. This morning I felt decent though. And more positive about my Thanksgiving trip. I did a half hour workout at 5:30AM with my kettlebell and ab roller and I'm not in any pain. So I guess I just had to push through the pain those couple days instead of giving up. I've upped my calories but I still look too skinny so I'm not sure what else to do at this point because I want to build muscle. Protein shakes are not an option, they make me jittery. But anyways I've been fairly calm today regarding my moods and anxiety, and I've just had Project Runway on all day.

Thanks

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She’s so dang pretty !!!

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That meal sounds delicious!!!! Glad you have leftovers

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Well we named her Maddie~

Back into raising a puppy “stage” begins ! it’s a lot of work but that’s okay. Last night she got in her crate and never made a peep until around 6am so she’s settling in nicely.

Hope no one is bothered by my posting pics of my furbabies.



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I missed the check-in yesterday for only the second time in years and I'm behind. I took this and that to sleep last night and finally did. So I feel somewhat more stable and will be able to mop, skate, and hopefully do some work with the book business. This day is very windy and the leaves are blowing all around. Our "snow" is leaves.

I gave Noah a call last night and we had a nice, long talk. He has such heavy responsibility with his job; I hope talking with me about it helped him to de-stress some. He said he's been bicycling a lot, riding 100 miles a couple of times/week. Said when he's crossing the Golden Gate Bridge/Robin Williams Tunnel out of the city and into the region along the coast line (called the Marin Headlands) he feels the stress just drop away. He expressed that so intensely. I compared that feeling of liberation to how I feel when I skate. There's something about the actual movement.

Anyway, it was an excellent conversation and I felt I called at a good time.

I want to thank you @wildflowerchild25for your support. Your metaphor about the ladder is such a helpful image. Unfortunately, I didn't see your post about Emsam @Blue_Bird, so I'm really glad you've mentioned it wfc.

I think Emsam would be an excellent option, most likely better than this very slow titration of Topomax. med dude is all but useless. He should have known about Emsam the moment I told him how badly depressed I'm feeling. He's fairly obsessed with a fear of causing me to become manic. Well, that's the least of my concerns. The last time I was really manic, which was more of a strong hypo-mania, was 5 years ago and I was barely on any meds. It's irritating. Depression is much more dangerous for me.

I have a med stupid dude appointment Tuesday, then Dr. D. (addiction dude) Wednesday. I'll see what goes with the 2 of them in terms of how well they listen to me/what they prescribe. If it's BS I'm definitely going to find another psych med prescriber and bye-bye med dude, Good Riddance.

Your lunch sounds fab @Blue_Bird! When I facilitated the NAMI Connection group we met at a supportive housing community. I loved that place. I met so many dear people. No one was isolated and everyone learned from each other how to get help in the community. I really hope to be able to live in a place like that some day. I have very nice neighbors here, but just people to say Hi to. I've never in my entire life been isolated like this and it's like physical pain.

That doggie is adorable @Fuzzybear. I would LOVE to see the photo of 4 year old Fuzzy!

Yay for decorations @Nammu! I'm going to buy some lights this week-end to hang in my apartment, cheer it up. Pink lights would be just the thing.

Hours cut @Aurelius710? Are they playing the holiday retail game with you? The spam dream is weird!

Thank you for your kindness @unlived.

Do you lift weights @Mountaindewed? I think you do. I got really into weightlifting when I was 37 - 42 & loved it! Got toned and muscular.

Hey there @MuddyBoots- I'm sending you love and a big, warm hug.

Clearly that pup is an angel sent to you and Steve @~Christina. 'Nuf said

Easy,
Beth

Love it when people here post pictures of their furry, feathered ones. If I could post pics I’d post one of Sir. Got a cute one of him toasting the new year.

The name Maddie is adorable @~Christina! What a pick! It fits her so nicely.

Okay! Got the mopping done! It's afternoon and I have opened every window wide. The wind is blowing through the apartment and giving it an awakening. Not cold, balmy. I'll have to close them in a while, but for now the music is on and the cats are awake and aware, running around with the wind.


I do feel little demons floating around, which is disturbing to me, but I think they are the result of me becoming aware of a lower aspect of the astral plane because of this severe depression. So I just have to make an effort to ignore them, but that takes a lot of energy, which is draining. Do I say the wrong things to prescribers? Why don't they listen to me?

Going to put my hands on my skates and get them on my feet, lace them up, stand up, and skate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Love it when people here post pictures of their furry, feathered ones. If I could post pics I’d post one of Sir. Got a cute one of him toasting the new year.

I'd sure like to see a pic of Sir.

So this sucks I stayed up to 6 am making dog food last night because we have no money but she loves it. I'm getting a lot of crap on FB about what I used for my base but **** them I followed the recipe. She likes it more then kibble We made 33+ lbs of food last night. Cooking was a huge for me and I got slammed. I only put how much it costed because other posts asked how much it cost. It is a lot for me. I said I wanted to dehydrate it so it keeps longer and they said a bunch of stuff like if I knew basic high school chem. I would know how wrong that is. I hate FB people.

I'm isolating, all I want to do is lay in bed pretending to sleep. I'm suppose to be coloring but I can't bring myself to bring my markers out. I feel like a horrible person that can't do anything right I'm safe just in a dark spot. I want my meds and my T, I want a place to live, I know we had to move but no matter how much we prepare it always goes horrible for us. It's going to at least be a month after we get a place that I can get properly medicated again. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of being the optimistic one and reassuring everyone it'll be okay. I want to curl up and cry. I don't know what to do at this point.

Beth don't worry about the PMs. I wrote you back so tag- you're it!

I’m so discouraged about my weight. I’m trying to lose but I’m so hungry. I guess it’s haldol. I don’t know what to do. My other symptoms have gotten better, even the restlessness, but I can’t lose any weight. I don’t even want to go to a physical. I forget which one I was on two years ago when I managed to lose 30lbs I actually don’t think I was on anything because I had been doing so well. But now I’m too afraid to be without one. It’s recommended online to exercise 1-2 hours A DAY to combat AP weight gain who has that much time??? Or energy? Am I supposed to be at the gym from 7-9 every night? I can increase from 30 minutes I think, I’ve gotten a bit more fit, but I just…if I could just eat less! But I’m so hungry!

I dunno. I have a pdoc appt next week. I’ve heard abilify doesn’t cause a lot. I know geodon doesn’t. I’ve been on geodon a couple of times, it just wasn’t that effective. Didn’t really do much either way. Maybe the pdoc will have an idea. I do like her.

Oh well. Next week is thanksgiving anyway. I’m cooking dinner for my boys and I. I like having it be just us. I’m gonna try to get my mom out of the house and come by but I will probably be unsuccessful. I’m making a turkey breast, mashed Yukon gold potatoes, candied yams (just a two yams, RS doesn’t like them) green bean casserole, and biscuits. I hope it goes better than last year. Last year I turned the oven off halfway through somehow (it was a new oven fancy oven and I didn’t quite know how to use it!) and didn’t realize until an hour later! Dinner was delayed until like 6pm.

We’re going to my aunt and uncle’s for dessert which I didn’t want to do but I decided to be the bigger person and go. I just don’t want to be around my cousin. After he sent a nasty, petty note with his response to my wedding invitation I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again. But I will not sink to his level. I don’t even really have to talk to him at all. Just a polite hello and that’s it. At least I don’t have to make dessert as well!

Being engaged is weird.

We are doing Thanksgiving two days later. N1 gets her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. We are going to do a trial run to the dentist's office on Sunday so I'm not lost with a dozey N1 in the car! We also are going to go grocery shopping for foods she'll be able to eat easily.

Mashed potatoes were a savior as well as applesauce, jello and soft canned fruit when I got wisdom tooth surgery

My daughter is threatening me, telling me that she may place me into a nursing home. She has no legal standing in this, but for her to say such a mean thing to me shocks me.

Thank you for asking about me, BeyondtheRainbow. I'm just barely making it these days. Feeling a bit desperate with so many stressors. Ill and sad.

Your little Maddie is darling. I like seeing these sweet pets. I really wish I had one again, but have to wait until we finally get into our own house. I could use more cuddling in my life.