Trouble taking my medication

Hello all!
I am new here and very happy to have found a place with people who may understand what I am going through and possibly offer support and/or advice! I have been taking medications for 5 years now and a few months ago I started having very intense aversions to taking my medication even though it has been incredibly beneficial to me. It happened out of seemingly nowhere, I have this voice in the back of my mind telling me I don't need the medication anymore because I have been doing so well the past couple of years since I became stable on my medication. I know very well that stopping my medication is not smart but I keep going weeks of taking it on and off and I feel very unstable. I am currently on day 1 of taking them again and just want to get some advice from others before I stop taking them again. Every time I stop taking them my mood and behavior become erratic and I cannot control or stop it ( I have rapid cycling Bipolar disorder for reference) and the erratic behavior and constant mood swings cause severe mental exhaustion. Does anyone have advice on how to continue medication despite something telling me that I don't need it, I just don't know how to help myself and I am not yet ready to talk to my therapist or psychiatrist about it. Any help or advice or support at all is very helpful and appreciated so I thank you all in advance! and I am not shy about sharing my other disorders or the medication I take so if you feel that could help any advice you have to offer please do ask!

I have trouble taking medication. I take all my medications at night right before I go to bed. My husband hands me my meds and water to take it. I was on an injection medication before moving. I would move your meds to night if possible. If you have to control your meds yourself get a monthly med counter that opens at a certain time and locks after a certain time.

Some of us only learn the hard way. I know it was that way for me. But I’m on good medication now and stable, I’m loathe to lose that stability for something stupid as self sabotage. But it took years to learn that. I’ve no magic ideas, just experience.

Welcome to the forum @CrystalM
I know that you are far from alone, so many people (especially those with bipolar disorder for some reason) have difficulty with taking meds consistently.

The first thought that comes to my mind is, does your pdoc ask why you don't need refills?

I have been messing with my meds forgetting to take them If I remain stable then I will just take the 4 ones in the morning and not take the vitamins and supplements.I take a lot of them.
good luck,
bizi

This.
After 20+ hospitalizations, most from coming off of meds whether purposefully with my own intent or from incompetent pdocs/pharmacies, I've learned it's best to stay on them. I also do the monthly shot in addition to pills as back up.

I must third what Nammu wrote and then MuddyBoots. Some of my absolute worst episodes were results of stopping medications. I can even say now if I even forget or skip one dose of my evening medications, I can feel two steps from needing a psych hospital. It's not nearly as much so with my morning medications, but then I haven't missed more than two of them in a week in years.

Have you really sat down and made a list of why you go off medications? What are those aversions based on? I realize sometimes people have concerns that would seem very good reasons, and yet still ones that must be weighed against mental instability. Wanting to deny mental illness...self-stigmatization...medication side effects (a biggie)...chasing mania...thinking you're "strong enough to finally handle it without meds"...wanting to get drunk...immaturity (in some people's cases) or desire to be reckless and/or get attention...and many others. In your case, it's clearly more than just forgetting. There obviously are reasons you are doing what you're doing. What are they? Without you knowing, it's hard to believe you'll suddenly become a dedicated medication taker. Or, that we could really give any form of advice.

I think my biggest reason for not taking them is thinking that I am strong enough to handle it on my own, and it often does happen when I am in a particularly strong manic episode. I just get so confident and convince myself that I can handle it but then I come down from the episode and my logic kicks in and I realize the mistake I have made.
I have been trying so hard to talk with my psychiatrist about it but I just clam up when I get the opportunity. I was stable for four years with no issues and then this started, about four months ago.

I tried to reply to this earlier but I think I might have done it wrong, but no she doesn't. Since I have been stable on them for four years I have check in's every three months and she will send the scripts in for a 90-day supply so I never have to go in a physically request a refill. This only started happening I think about 4 months ago and I have had the opportunity to confess to her about whats been going on but the few opportunities I had I totally clammed up because I get so nervous to admit my regression. I get so anxious about it.

Sometimes we need not talk. Have you considered writing down these thoughts and either sending them to your psychiatrist by email/text/even snail mail? Or printing them out and just handing the document to them? I've done that in the past.

Your doctor WANTS to know about your breakthrough mania and how it's affecting your medication compliance. Having breakthrough mania is not a "bad behavior". It's illness. Your doctor needs to know so that they can deal with it. Open truthful communication is admired and ultimately does you good.

If you're still having manic symptoms, chances are your meds need some tweaking anyways.

This!!! It’s not non compliance it’s breakthrough mania influencing your thinking. You may need a prn for those times

It’s such a gamble not taking meds. I landed up IP once because of it. As you say you’re unstable when you stop taking your meds so your best bet is to continue taking them. We’ll never be cured of this disorder. I’ve come to accept that I’m on meds for life.

This is super helpful and a really good idea, I think this takes a lot of the pressure I am feeling to actually talk about it. Thank you for this suggestion, my breakthrough mania has always felt kind of like bad behavior to me, and that all has to do with how people made me feel about that behavior in the past.

I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out!

Coming to terms with the fact that this is for life has for sure been difficult, so thank you for sharing because I think this is something I really need to understand and accept.