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Default Dec 24, 2022 at 03:43 PM
  #21
My brother invited me to join him and his family for Xmas. It’s just that there were a lot more people there. A LOT more, more than I excepted. We had lovely Xmas-dinner with also Swedish glögg. Glögg is old Viking warm-drink that Vikings used to have with spicy vine or booze and mixed other ingredients such as honey, ginger, cinnamon. You also put orange-shells when you start to cook it, on top. Glögg came first in Sweden 1609.

I wasn’t that long there, couple of hours. I didn’t wanted to feel in their way, so I went home. Also, they wanted to do a Xmas-game in the night but since I take my medicines around eight-o-clock, I couldn’t. This is the big setback and disappointment for me, since medicines are literally controlling my life. Now even more than they used to.

Back home I looked at one of those Xmas-“good feeling-“movies, along with some night-tea. I had a chat with my friend (haven’t heard anything from him for weeks), and now I’m just sitting in the sofa. Soon I’ll go off to bed. Take great care of you, dear reader. And have an wonderful Christmas!New beginning: Diary 3.0New beginning: Diary 3.0New beginning: Diary 3.0

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 02:48 PM
  #22
I hope your weekend and Xmas was great and filled with joy and happiness, dear reader. I had a really good weekend. Unfortunately my old injury from the gym haunted me a bit. My backpain. Still not healed properly, so I use paracetamol and some magnesium-lotion to ease the pain. Now it’s better than yesterday.

It’s frustrating because I can’t probably go for another week to my local gym because of this stupid injury. Anyway, no snow here. It’s all melted. Just rain and nothing but rain.

Tomorrow I’ll off to the big city to enjoy myself with my nephews to an amusement park, the biggest in Scandinavia and whose now decorated with Xmas-stuff inside out. The weather will be nice too. I’m wishing you a good start of the week, dear reader. Even with or without rain.

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” - Dolly Parton

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Default Dec 29, 2022 at 02:08 PM
  #23
Dear reader. These days were really lovely. I was at the amusement park in Tuesday this week with my family and it was really, really lovely. I ate gingerbreads, drank glögg, ate roasted and sugared almonds. Some Xmas-candy on top. I wasn’t on some rollercoaster since I’m too coward (haha). I had so much to do these days so I didn’t got any time to visit here and write.

Something I’m although worried about is my sleep. I use my pills, but that olanzapine (that melts) reacts too fast for my body. So now I’m in a so called scissor-position since my doctor will not meet me till the beginning of January. I’m not sure even how I even can sleep. It takes me almost an hour to get into the deep sleep.

Tomorrow I’ll go and swim with my friend and have an relax. I need this a lot. Also someone to talk to about anything else except my illness. Take care of yourself, dear reader. And have a lovely week and weekend.

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Default Dec 31, 2022 at 12:30 PM
  #24
Dear reader. I hope you had an amazing week. I’m now with my brother and his family to bring in the new year. Even though this year was one for my worst year’s ever, I have to see it the other flip of the coin too. That things weren’t just nothing but pitch black. That I’m still here, around and am finally well. That I also learned the early warning-sings and that I also have an preparation-plan. A plan that will prevent me to be I’ll ever again.

I hope you dear reader is well too. Embrace those little opportunities that comes. No matter what. And enjoy the life. Have faith. Because no matter what closes, a new opportunity will always open. Happy New Year dear reader and let’s continue to support us. Together.

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Default Jan 01, 2023 at 03:16 PM
  #25
I hope you had a really grateful New Year’s eve. I had my family around me and we celebrated. There was all kind of food, from classic turkey stuffed with rice, to duck and potato’s. This time of year I take my medicine later, and I was sleeping all good - believe it or not.

Today I wasn’t doing much. I was for a short walk and that was it. I most kept watching on tv. I used to stream movies and tv shows, but now it’s not much as it was before. Now I’m just watching AFV - American Funniest Videos - and having a good laugh for the evening.

I wish You a wonderful start on the New Year, dear reader. And many more to come.

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Default Jan 03, 2023 at 03:04 PM
  #26
Not much yesterday nor today, dear reader. I go for my walks and such. Tomorrow I will however go to another town to meet a psychiatrist and psychologist. This was many thanks to my mother who stubbornly searched for the help anywhere else except here in this town I’m in. She wants to go to the bottom with all of this. So these people managed to find me a time just like that, and I’m on a appointment already tomorrow.

All this happened so fast and I really wanted that too. It’s though not for free. Far from it. First visit will be $161. Then it will be cheaper. But I don’t care. Because these people seems to be very professional - unlike those I had to meet in my hometown. I’m fed up with eating wrong pills, I’m fed up getting treated bad. I’m fed up getting in to the hospitals and being examined and treated like a Guinea pig. So if these people from the other town is the key to all of this - then I’m all in.

All this is having an impact on my mind, how I can’t sleep normally because all of these events. The moment I close my eyes then I start to see everything I was through during September-October. That I was at different facilities for 1,5 months. That they tested me with all kind of tests, humiliated me with it and so on. That I was helpless. Alone. It’s a f—king miracle that I’m still here, and can tell You what I went through. So that is I welcome that help from the professional psychologist and psychiatrist. To examine me and to help me for real.

Now I’ve wrote one of those big posts I used to write here in the past. But it had a purpose, and that is to give you the big picture on how things can easily fall apart, then suddenly an helping hand offers to help you for real. With real help. The help you wanted for years but never got. And remember for yourself too, dear reader:

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." - Milton Berle

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Default Jan 05, 2023 at 03:38 PM
  #27
What an extraordinary day. Yesterday I was suppose to see this new psychiatrist, but due to very bad weather I cancelled. And went today instead. It really was the best visit I had for years. Years! The psychiatrist was although expensive - but he knew exactly what to pinpoint and what guidance to give.

He understood fully through what hell I went last year. And he was upset over those morons in hospital, how they treated me and so on. So now I will be seeing him.

I don’t know yet what this will lead to. But so far I can see two things: one - I’m definitely not alone in this that hospitals are careless jerks, and two - my diagnosis will be yet again proven. But this time from professional doctors - not EU-doctors or any other that is not doing their job. So I will be involved in a investigation so they will investigate what kind of disorder do I have: bipolar type 1, bipolar unspecified (my current status) or PTSD with depression.

For the first time in my live, folks, I feel as I’m more alive than ever. That I finally understand myself and understand how I can prevent upcoming events from even start happening. This two hour talk today made me almost as complete a new man. Just from talk. Can you freakin’ believe it? It helped me more than those drugs! Same drugs that will now be investigated too since I might be overdosing them (I should’ve get much lower dose right after I was discharged from the hospital).

But there is hope people. And with hope comes faith. I told him how I struggle with my sleep every now and then. How - when I shut my eyes and trying to sleep - all this hell I was going through comes and hits me, and haunts me. That I last night used for the first time zopiclone. Now I feel totally different after todays meeting. Before I could invest money in my car and other crap, but never in myself. Now, that I don’t have any car at all, I will invest money completely in myself. And by investing - that means going to private psychiatry. Something I should’ve done long time ago.

Have a great day or good night, dear reader. And take care!

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Default Jan 06, 2023 at 02:26 PM
  #28
Today I was stuck in a snowstorm. Luckily I was at home. I could barely go to the grocery store. B-a-r-e-l-y. Well outdoors it was a blizzard. I was basically at home afterwards, couldn’t go anywhere. Then I went out again, took my big shovel and cleaned the parking area that is outside the house. And the car. It took me almost two hours since the snow was so deep, but I did it. I had my Spotify on with my 1980:s rock (and glam-rock of course). I plowed down to the tarmac itself.

Now? Now I feel wonderful. Some back-pain, but it seems that it’s just little exercise-feel. So I didn’t needed the gym today. And now I will make myself some nighttime-tea, a yoga-tea that I always do. To relax, find my mind and have an easy sleep. I hope your Thursday was also great, dear reader.

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Default Jan 07, 2023 at 03:14 PM
  #29
As I predicted, the snow just as easy it came with piles and piles now is starting to disappear due to warmer and rainy weather. That this climate can be this tricky is kind of enigma. In Czechia - it was 15 C (59 F), so people there took the opportunity and went out to swim. Outdoors. This climate change is not going well.

Tomorrow I’m going to visit a psychiatrist and hopefully my medicines will be changed. In Friday I met the psychologist (always am confused with these terms). So tomorrow it is the psychiatrist. Hopefully (!) this new adjustment (if he helps me with it) will make my life much better than it currently is.

Have a nice evening/day, dear reader.

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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 01:09 AM
  #30
I'm so happy to see you've returned, Hexagon. I've thought of you many times and wondered how you were feeling. I will say that you sound less burdened than you did when you initially joined the forum. Much less so.

It's nice to know that you have all of Led Zeppelin's albums. I grew up during the 1970's and love me some Zep! I consider Jimmy Page one of the greatest guitarists ever. Him, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn.

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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 03:54 AM
  #31
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Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post
I'm so happy to see you've returned, Hexagon. I've thought of you many times and wondered how you were feeling. I will say that you sound less burdened than you did when you initially joined the forum. Much less so.

It's nice to know that you have all of Led Zeppelin's albums. I grew up during the 1970's and love me some Zep! I consider Jimmy Page one of the greatest guitarists ever. Him, Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Thank you for the kind words, dear Beth. I am doing (thankfully) positive progress each day. I was a wreck when I joined the forum here, how many times I felt ill because of the past job and it’s situation I was in. Now I have learned how to keep myself in one piece.

Zeppelin are really something special.New beginning: Diary 3.0 They captured so many generations and will do so for many, many years. And Jimi Hendrix, especially. Jimmy Page still influence children to play guitar. Sad that they couldn’t perform again, like they did couple of years ago using John Bonham’s son as their drummer.

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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 01:38 PM
  #32
So I finally met this new private doc (psychiatrist). It went all well, dear reader. He was so professional and really devoted this time to help me out. That kind of help I haven’t got since I don’t know when. Like - never. Yes, first visit was expensive, but I didn’t cared. He adjusted the medicine too, so now I’ll use olanzapine 5mg instead of 10 - so I don’t am slow as a zombie when I wake up at 8 am.

I am full with positive vibes from both of these visits: first with an private psychologist and now this guy. And people visit him even in Sundays. All kind of ages too (an elder granny was next visitor). Afterwards I felt so good, that I finally found the help I wanted for so many years. Real help. And these gentlemen was so kind so I can phone them for free and talk to them for 30 (!) min. Just wow! Talk about caring!

Now I sit in the couch and am about to make myself night-tea, watching “Salvage Hunters” with Drew Pritchard on Discovery Channel. I feel so relieved, relaxed and for the first time I will probably get good night sleep too.

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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 04:48 PM
  #33
That is wonderful - both psychologist and psychiatrist being good guys and hopefully, excellent medical professionals. I wish you all the very best with them!

Yes, John Bonham's son has inherited his father's talent. Remarkable.

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Default Jan 09, 2023 at 03:20 PM
  #34
Today I was helping my retired dad to buy a new freezer, since the one my folks had for 14 years is singing on its last verse. But imagine that - 14 years without any hassle? So in my dad’s car, go and borrow a trailer, clean it all from the old snow (since the rental-company was too lazy to clean it themselves) and off to the store. Thing is my dad bought it yesterday, one day earlier that it was on sever discount.

We went there outside, and home. I know that I have bit boring being for myself since I’m not still ready for work (even if I want it, but my docs doesn’t). But on the other flip, spending my time with my dad that’s makes me happy inside. That we can go for a walk or something. However I miss my colleagues and the children. Health is though more important, but every day that went by I missed those kiddies more and more.

Hopefully, my government-doctor will meet me next week (since they told me “in the beginning of January” and that I was “first priority”). But we’ll see. Now I wish you an wonderful start at the week, dear reader. And take care.

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Default Jan 10, 2023 at 03:38 PM
  #35
Well, today was a bit busy day. I went to my local barber for a beard-trim. Since we know each other since 2016, he gives me always cheap price. And he yet again did an amazing job. And if I’m not happy, I can just drop by and he will fix again. Afterwards me and my dad went for a 5km (3,1mi) walk through the woods. So relaxing it was. The snow have melted but at some parts on the road though the woods, the snow was there.

After this we took a cup coffee and talked. Later on the day, I helped him with the new freezer he bought. It was bit tricky to fix it and make it fully operational - since the opening-side was supposed to be moved from left to right (Electrolux has such option). And it went well. Imagine if you could do that with cars - moving instead of a door but a wheel from right to left).

Now I’m preparing myself for the sleep. Still up and watch Gold Rush on Discovery Channel. Have a good day/good night dear reader.

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Default Jan 12, 2023 at 12:40 PM
  #36
Dear reader. I hope you are all well and that you started this new year good. These days can be tricky in the beginning - or like a puzzle - ready to be solved piece by piece. So far it has been well for me. But it’s chaos with doctors. Unless I don’t go with a private doc, I will wait for a long time now. It’s troubling me, because in February I will start to work. And I don’t have any proper plan so far from my government doctor - nothing.

But this is everywhere in my country. This new right-winged government is doing it best to even make the situation from bad to worse. I have just now plan not to go to the hospital at all, but focus on my wellbeing and that I step by step reunite with my colleagues and start working again.

Yesterday I went to the gym - and, despite my injury from last week - I managed to do more than well. I just need to get the grip for the rest of the days (three to go, four gym-days per week). First and foremost I only compete against none but myself, and trying to breaching my goals. As bonus I get also boost in my health.

Today it was a good day too. I went over 5km (3,1mi) and for 58 minutes. The fastest I ever done. I wish you a great Thursday, dear reader.

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Default Jan 13, 2023 at 02:35 PM
  #37
I get now constantly nightmares on those events I was bin last year during my hospital stay. I talked with my psychologist a bit about this, but since it was my first visit with this private psychologist, I didn’t manage to find time to explain this for him more in detail.

I don’t know how to battle my sleep. These thoughts, these nightmares. I take my pills just as they told me to, I’m not sloppy - I have all my pills in a medicine box that are sorted per day (morning and evening). So now as days goes by and I have wait for my government psychiatrist (doc) to give me an appointment, I kind of struggle with this. Trying to relax before my bedtime even with teas.

I know I have to process all this that I went through last year, but I rather not process this in bed, at night, when I try to sleep and when sleeping is really important. Important that I have my eight hours sleep. But tomorrow is a new day, so I’ll see how it will be. Take care of you dear reader. And have an wonderful weekend.

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Default Jan 14, 2023 at 02:03 PM
  #38
One thought, dear reader, that always crossed my mind is what would happen if I uncovered my mental illness in public. On Facebook. And to all of my friends, relatives and such. Very few knows what I actually have (on paper bipolar “unspecified”, until my private psychologist last week explained that I have bipolar type 2). And especially regarding that my last job had such negative impact on my mental health (despite that my former boss knew all about this and went even on meeting even with a doctor with me).

Question is: shall I live like I do and keep it in a special, secret circle? Or not? My mom told me about this and that it has its - cons. And only cons. That people will never ever see me as I once was. But a part of me just say “go for it” and “relieve the burden”. However, it’s easy said than done, living in a country where people on media talks a lot about mental illness and show kindness and support, while reality is much, much different. I don’t know anymore, to be honest.

I’m thinking if you start to date people, when is that right moment to say what you really have in your luggage? Or will you scare them away? And if you decide to tell them later in the relationship, what will the consequences be? That is why I was single all this time. I had relationships, but never long lasting. And now I’m at that point that I might tell my status and diagnosis, if that lady is very much interested with me. Instead of telling much later - or telling its “just depression”.

Well, no easy text here this time, dear reader. Perhaps it’s those difficult texts that is those I might learn from. That I share my knowledge and experience with You here, even if it’s under an pseudonym. Have a nice Saturday, dear reader.

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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 03:00 PM
  #39
Sunday evening. So much has passed since I came home last year from the hospital. All that progress I’ve made. To experience something that was so horrible, probably the worst ever. And to be part of an treatment that more looked like 1940s experiments. It’s unbelievable that I even speak up about this, and this was Sweden. 2022.

Now that I look back, I can’t still help thinking about my poor parents. Their son, just 38, being treated like that. Humiliated. And everything was based on that I declined my parents to visit me, that I was in “bad mood” to the treaters and caretakers (those who are one rang bellow nurses), “didn’t wanted” to take medicines - so they gave me that in needles (read sleeping-treatment). All notorious lies they told me and then other lies to my parents. And that I pulled me up, from all of this crap. That is unforgettable, and that is why it will be part of me for a long time.

So it’s no wonder why I sometimes wake up at 3 am, after getting some of those flashbacks even in my dreams. I know that the brain needs to process all of this, and that best medicine is to talk about it with some professional. And that is why I took contact this year. To take control of all of this, with some help from my parents.

Yet, I see hope. No matter how dark stuff I went through, no matter how all hope seemed to be gone, I saw an window with openings. And we all need windows with openings - even if it’s only one. Cause that is how you will be remoulded again, to be a stronger person with strong character. To be wiser, to see ahead those singles before you get burned - or dipped. No one have to suffer for decades. There is help out there. And that is why I, dear reader, will after best possible way, try to guide you here and in this forum how to live your life. How to enjoy it and how to embrace it. I might be young, but I have lot of experience - for good and bad.

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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 08:41 PM
  #40
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...
Question is: shall I live like I do and keep it in a special, secret circle? Or not? My mom told me about this and that it has its - cons. And only cons. That people will never ever see me as I once was. But a part of me just say “go for it” and “relieve the burden”. However, it’s easy said than done, living in a country where people on media talks a lot about mental illness and show kindness and support, while reality is much, much different. I don’t know anymore, to be honest....

I believe that all of us with a mental illness ask the question you are asking. And we ask it over and over, again. I have had a few times when I thought I would take the chance and disclose my mental illness to even a few people. But then I would think the same way your mom does, that people will see me as my mental illness before they see the real me. Also, people sometimes use mental illness as a weapon. Such as, You are doing 'this' only because you are crazy. For me, the hurt of that is almost unbearable.

So, as you can guess I have decided to keep my diagnosis to myself, in almost all cases. But, some are very open and things go fine with that, too.

All in all, your question is a good one to ask. I wish the answer was also easy.

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