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*Beth*
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 08:55 PM
  #41
I'm sorry you had such a rough time with being in the hospital, Hex. The last time I was inpatient it was for only 24 hours. Nevertheless, I felt I was imprisoned even though I had not committed a crime. The psychiatrist was sadistic. Most nurses were indifferent, only 2 were truly kind and helpful.

Thank you for your metaphor about the windows. Or even one window. It is a beautiful image and an important one to hold in my mind.

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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 10:02 AM
  #42
It is sometimes shocking, what can happen even in our contemporary times.

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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 01:15 PM
  #43
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Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post
It is sometimes shocking, what can happen even in our contemporary times.

Spot on. No wonder why I have hard nights to fall asleep, having all nightmares and can wake up 2- or 3am. While those idiots who did this to me continues to work same methods but on other poor b-stards.

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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 01:51 PM
  #44
Dear reader. Monday, the first day of another new week. I woke up - as usual 10 am (many thanks to 5mg of olanzapine) - and took the day as it was. Right after the another late breakfast with oat porridge (some Arabian dates, bananas in it), I took of for a whooping 6km (3,73mi) power-walk. The sun was there with me too. What a lovely day.

Now that it’s evening, I wonder and worry me a bit on how my sleep will be. I am drinking loads of these caffeine free bedtime-teas. I am literally doing everything to have some great sleeping and that I don’t get any nightmares from my visit in the hospital. I’m not sure what else I will do. If this week gets another screw-up, I need to phone my private psychiatrist and have a talk. Or an another appointment. But another part of me says to keep calm and wait a bit. I do talk with my parents about this, and thankfully they explain and bring me positive feedback. That I stay as positive as I can be - even if it’s hard.

I may sound as I’m “Mr. Negative Man” now, but it’s that some people forget and stops remembering what happened in the past. And some not. Especially when my memory is almost intact, that it does that I can remember almost everything that happened in the past (with exception of some minor gaps). My recommendation to you, dear reader, is to walk. Walk, walk and walk. Walk to the woods, to a park. Walk anywhere, but walk. And keep walking. Flush all negative thoughts out and recharge yourself.

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Default Jan 17, 2023 at 03:05 PM
  #45
Today it was off to the gym. I had this now for two months, and now I regularly go four times a week. My goal is to stay healthy as much as I can. That means no tobacco no nothing. Especially not beer or any alcoholic drinks. I notice that a lot of people do same as I, just go to the gym and feel good. Both young, middle aged and elder. Age has no numbers at the gym.

I haven’t heard yet from my government psychiatrist (doc). That promise that I would’ve get appointment week 2 (since I was in the “priority list”) just proves that they never ever kept their word. But they sure as hell made sure I always obeyed them no matter what. And that is the power of hierarchy some lunatic doctors have here. It’s sometimes questionable and shocking on how the hell they even became doctors, working in clinics and hospitals to treat people’s mental illnesses - the most vulnerable illness there is.

I’m sorry that I have to bring this crap up every now and then, dear reader. But it’s these kind of events that people are literally afraid to step their foot into a hospital. To have an incompetent and incomplete staff around you. But now I have plans. Plans to stay well, take my days step by step and get back to my work. And never ever go to become burned out. To live the life and embrace those years I have left. Despite that my 20s and 30s were a mess, I have many more to embrace and enjoy from. And I hope you do that too, dear reader.

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Default Jan 19, 2023 at 03:24 PM
  #46
Well, it was two busy days. Smacked in the middle of the week. I can start that I had yesterday a blast. Went to my swimming centre to had relax bath at jacuzzi-spa (I pay for this monthly including the swimming), but this time I went straight for the 25-meter (82 foot) tall. Not an Olympic swimming pool but still - good enough. So I started to swim 82 foot (25m) back and fourth. FIVE times. FIVE. Afterwards, when my heart and muscles calmed a bit down, I went to the spa and had a great relax in the jacuzzi. There’s even a fireplace there, sauna, cold pool - you name it.

And today I went to the gym to work on my back plus triceps. I can’t believe that some exercises that I started to do last year in December, I haven’t done them since 2019. 2019! My goodness…! So all in all it was a good week, dear reader. Almost. Cause I still wait for my psychiatrist (doc) to invite me for a meeting. Two weeks late. So tomorrow (I hade a freakin’ enough) I’ll visit them instead - uninvited. And speak with any nurse there about this idiotic delay. If you can’t keep the promise, why make a promise in a first place? Not once, but TWICE?

Yes I’m clearly upset, and I don’t care if they take notes (if they are so damn pathetic). But if they want me to send me to work in February, then these morons here needs to step up and make a progress! Anyway, soon it’s weekend and I’ll find something around to enjoy with. Btw: I will go and see Metallica again! Yay! Last time it was 2015, in Gothenburg. Now it’s in June. It’s gonna be awesome!New beginning: Diary 3.0

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Default Jan 20, 2023 at 02:43 PM
  #47
Friday. My day started that some nurse from my local outpatient clinic called me regarding the government psychiatrist (doctor) that my ordinary nurse was suppose to get an appointment with early in January. Now that they are three weeks late and I need certificate for my boss (the paper that says how much I can work, which is 50% to start with), they have run out all of excuses. So that means I still don’t know when will my appointment be - more than I now can wait for if another patient drops his/hers appointment so I can take it.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. It’s tight now, and my parents are so upset over those morons here. I’m considering to walk myself right in on Monday and demand at sight one time. Cause I don’t know what to do anymore.

I hope your week was good, dear reader. And I am wishing you an lovely weekend. For me, tomorrow will start to refill my batteries at that swimming-centre, go for a swim-ride with my friend, then relax-spa in jacuzzi. Since I’m monthly paying (not that expensive) for it it’s silly not to use. Have a great evening/day too!

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 03:12 PM
  #48
I hope you had a nice weekend, dear reader. Yesterday I was visiting my private psychologist. It was a difficult visit for me, speaking of my past and tore up those old wounds. Today I couldn’t wait anymore for my contact nurse. So I went to the hospital and demanded (kindly) to speak with the section-doc who had me as patient last year. It was very hasty little meet but he promised to give me my medical certificate for my boss (who by the way called me last week in Saturday and was wondering about this).

And just as I came home, after all this was sorted (kind of) out, my nurse calls me. And I only hear apologies - no solution - where I needed this medical certificate before January 27th (our Swedish Insurance Agency had this on me since last year and this moron of a nurse was well aware of this already in December). So it’s still a mess, but not as big as before. Because that nurse fixed me a time with a doctor - but that was in 9th February and way late after January 27:th-deadline, that the moron KNEW since December last year.

Now I was asked by the hospital-doc when I wanted to go back to work again, and I told her next week. But it will be 25% only (for some time). So as I said, things are getting sorted out and I’m set to go to my work and meet my boss to plan for next and upcoming weeks. I’m excited over this and I hope for the best now. Fingers crossed…New beginning: Diary 3.0

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Default Jan 25, 2023 at 03:42 PM
  #49
Time flies. It seems that it was ages I was hospitalised, but it wasn’t. That I’m still here, and soon be working again, is unbelievable. I have made such record-fast progress now. And recovery. Now here it’s night, 9:40 pm-ish. And as always, many thoughts cross my mind before the sleep. Some are just thoughts, but some are fragments of or full memories. Sometimes they are clear, sometimes not. That is why I have that backup - Zopiclone - in case it gets too much. I don’t eat entire of the pill (which is 7,5mg), but I chop it in half (3,25mg).

I know that my brain wants to process all this I was going through last year. It’s just when you’re alone, in your bedroom and trying to get some sleep, it’s kind of bad time to trying remembering all of this. Especially for me who needs my sleep.

I do have my mindfulness-app on (the sound-app called “White Noise”), and to be honest, I’m not sure what I would’ve done without it. I hope I get over this period, that I can just fall asleep without thinking or remembering. I have to have some faith in myself, even if it’s many times easier said than done. But tomorrow is a new day.

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:54 PM
  #50
Today I talked with my boss on how to do a comeback to the work. And I’ll start 25% for two weeks, then switch to 50%. I’m looking forward to come back, to work with those wonderful kids and have fun again. Sadly, one dear colleague decided to quit for another job. Lots of changes has happened since I was gone. I will start on Monday.

I also struggle sometimes with my sleep. Even if it was better last night. I just need to flush all memories and thoughts out, and catch my sleep. Then it’s no problem for me to reach deep sleep. It’s just that “tiny” thing that I need to do, to relaxing and release all tension and everything my mind cross up with while I’m starting to sleep. Call it a tactic or whatever you will, but I have to have that.

Tomorrow is my last day being at home. I’m not sure what I will do. Probably go for a walk and later at gym. I need lots of hard exercise, because I will sleep even better. Take care of yourself, dear reader.

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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 12:18 AM
  #51
Hi Hex, You have been through so much with the hospitalization, then having to advocate for yourself with the government psychiatrist Oh, I know how frustrating that is!! But good for you, going to the gym, plenty of walks, and the swimming is excellent, I believe.

I hope your return to work goes extremely well.

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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 12:13 PM
  #52
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Hi Hex, You have been through so much with the hospitalization, then having to advocate for yourself with the government psychiatrist Oh, I know how frustrating that is!! But good for you, going to the gym, plenty of walks, and the swimming is excellent, I believe.

I hope your return to work goes extremely well.

Thank you for your very kind words, dear Beth. Finally I am going to go back to my work. Unfortunately, our government psychiatric outpatient care is utter crap. It’s almost pointless that I even have meetings there when the staff doesn’t do their job. Which is to communicate with each other instead of blame each other for mistakes. And we patients will get the outcome.

Luckily, my handler at Swedish Insurance Agency predicted all this. So it’s better now. And I can go to work without thinking what will those morons do in psychiatric outpatient care. Will will work afternoon-times so it’s spot on for me, thanks to my very kind boss.

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Default Jan 28, 2023 at 03:44 PM
  #53
Busy Saturday for me now. Woke up and went with my friend to the swimming-centre. It’s not only a swimming-centre, but they have it all: gym, spa, relax, several swimming-pools (warm, cold and normal), saunas etc. I was there with my friend from 12am to 3:30pm. Now I’m better with distance swimming. But it was surly breathtaking.

Now I’m just relaxing at the night. Somehow I managed even to improve my sleep (not really know how though). And now that my energy is more or less drained from the swimming, I will probably sleep this night good too. Have a lovely Saturday, dear reader.

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Default Jan 28, 2023 at 07:03 PM
  #54
In the past, I have found that swimming tires me out and I sleep better after being in the water.

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Default Jan 29, 2023 at 02:46 PM
  #55
What a nice weekend I had. Today I went to the gym and worked hard as ever before, while listening at Metallica and all of their albums. I started to listen at that band in 1996/97, when I got first Load on a tape. Then Reload. I was just a 12 year old kid. Later on I started to listening on Foo Fighters and I was hooked on them all.

Tomorrow it’s a big day for me. I’m going back to my work. All kind of feelings comes now. For the most: I’m anxious, but also nervous. Things had been changed a bit since I was gone. New people, new recruits. I’m not even sure what to tell them. Probably go along and just - be. Do my job, not much small talk and such.

I don’t know even with this Covid since I travel with train first, then with a tram. People will - most likely - be everywhere as last year and sit anywhere. No one wears mask and I doubt that it would give me any protection (a mask demands that all people have it - not one or few - so that it will have its way of protecting). I have taken dosage four last year in august and I am protected. But not bulletproof.

I hope you too had a great weekend, dear reader. And I hope your start of the next week will be even better.

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Default Jan 29, 2023 at 03:51 PM
  #56
Thank you, Hex, and I hope your first day back at work went very well.

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Default Jan 29, 2023 at 08:38 PM
  #57
I hope your first day back goes (or went) well!

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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 02:18 PM
  #58
So finally I have done my day. And what a day it was in big city of Gothenburg, Sweden’s second largest city! I arrived 40 min early, and on the schoolyard, two young boys who saw me shouted and wondered if it really was me. And it was. Their parallel teacher was back! And they both hugged me and a big high-five as bonus. They asked me if I’m going to visit all their classes, and I told them that I was. So upstairs to my dear bellowed class, opened the door and wow! 24 students screamed all at once when they saw me and all - ALL of them - ran towards me and we had the biggest group hug ever! My colleague then told me that she never saw such thing and that I have put an mark forever in their little hearts. Even second graders hugged me haha! Wow!

I was supposed to get home at 5pm, but it was an massive delay (a damage on the railroad at the central station). And thousands and thousands (a sea of people) was in panic-mode. Replacement-busses everywhere, except they too were overcrowded. So I phoned my poor dad to pick me up, which he did. I came home right about now. So somewhat exhausted. But still, fantastic day! Gosh I really missed those kids! My colleagues were also happy to see me back, even those other teachers and staff who remembered me. Some of them even hugged me.

My start of the week (besides that later train-chaos) was splendid. I hope yours was that too, dear reader.

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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 07:36 PM
  #59
***HURRAH!***

Congratulations on your wonderful day back at work, Hex! It sounds like the kids were overjoyed, and you seem happy!

Sorry about the train chaos. I hope everyone is okay by now.

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Default Feb 01, 2023 at 02:37 PM
  #60
These kids at my work. 8- and 9-year olds. So full of joy and happiness. They know now when I arrive to work and just hoping to get just a glimpse of me. So when they have break and later on spare time activities, they all come and hug me. They all want me to sit next to them when they have afternoon-meal.

Parents are also happy that I’m back, even though not all understand what I went through. But - as I said - I keep my mouth shut about it. Just speaking from the present - not from the past. Some colleagues who didn’t had opportunity to greet me did today.

Don’t get me wrong: even if I got burned out last year and was away four months from work, I couldn’t imagine me working with something else than being in school. As a teacher and as a spare time-teacher. These kids makes me feel so happy, so no matter how my day was home, when I get to the work they all make my day filled with joy. I really love them and they love me.

I hope your Wednesday was great too, dear reader. And remember:

“…Find out where joy resides, and give it a voice far beyond singing. For to miss the joy is to miss all.”

- Robert Louis Stevenson

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