New beginning: Diary 3.0

What. A. Week. What a amazing week! So happy that it goes so well on my work. And also that my colleagues care about me. The kids hugged me literally every day, as soon as they saw me no matter where in the school. This joy, filled with happiness. I haven’t felt it for years. I really love those kids.

I have now better sleeping too. Not sure how the heck it went better, but something did to it. I have more discipline on my sleep and don’t stay too long in bed, despite that those pills (olanzapine 5mg) want that. It’s strange that olanzapine. I mean I take it always in evening, around 8pm. And it’s one and only job is to knock me the hell out before 21:30. And it fails. So I sleep as if I didn’t had any pills at all. I thought first to change it to abilify, but since I saw that list of its side effects, I did a hard pass.

Tomorrow I’ll go to the gym. I need to maintain my mind and my body there. At least three to four times a week. I wish you an wonderful Saturday, dear reader.

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I hear so many teachers complain about their jobs, and complain about the children they work with. It is immensely refreshing to learn of a teacher who is as caring and talented as you are, Hex.

For sleep, have you tried any over the counter medications, in addition to the olanzipine? For example, melatonin. Or melatonin with valerian.

I hope you had a nice weekend, dear reader. I had it all right, lots of training at my gym (but not over normal much). Today I played with the kids, the 2nd graders. Lots of games connected to maths and logic with purpose to stimulate their brain activity. And they were all pretty good I must say!

I talked with my colleague to start 50% instead of 25%, but it was no way. They really care about me and won’t let me go up to 50%. So I’ll talk with my doctor that I waited since November last year now at Thursday that she continues to have 25% locked on me for two more weeks. I told her (my colleague) that I feel that I’m just not doing much, but she is still caring about me and won’t let me work. Same thing with my boss. I’m working 2h a day and that is why I feel that I will be left out from a lot of stuff. But they all prioritise my health and I now understand.

Before I went to work I saw on news the earthquake in Turkey and Syria. These poor people. Hospitals that totally collapsed and in this cold. Sweden is sending lot of help to Turkish and Syrian red half moon along with 7 million SEK (658k USD). That earthquake is the biggest since 1939 in Turkey - 7,7 to 8 in Richter scale. It makes me think how we people are so small and so vulnerable. That no matter how we think we have things under control it shows that we don’t.

How my medicines are working? So far, good. I thought first to change to abilify but when I really compared it to olanzapine in Swedish FASS (that our doctors use too), abilify had far more side effects than olanzapine. And it’s 1-10 that one out of ten gets them. Side effects such as fog-sight, constipation, dyspepsia, diabetes, insomnia and such. So hard pass on that. Not that olanzapine is an 100% perfect saint, but it helped me numerous of times over the years than any other pill did.

I wish you an splendid week, dear reader. And stay safe out there.

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I guess I still have bad luck with my government psychiatry outpatient care and it’s doctors. First one doctor is sick and is on Swedish insurance agency as me (!), then yesterday (after I complained) when I got a new one, the new doctor writes all wrong patient certificate (where one of these is where he also mention my diagnosis to my boss which BIG no-no.

Tomorrow is a new day and this time my writing will be shorter than usual, since I will go early in the morning tomorrow to that place so the doctor can change the error he did.

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What a week. My new government doctor (in outpatient care) fixed yesterday the errors. This thing, that I have to correct an doctor who have many years experience in his service, is plain and stupid. He should’ve just done that right away - even if I pointed out and gave him a copy of my last certificate from my other doctor. What a mess it was. This outpatient care rents all the time new doctors and we patients are every time in a Russian roulette.

The rest of the week was great though. I played with the kids in school and first two weeks on the work was great.

I am also looking since the earthquake in Türkiye every day at the news. I have donated some money too (all streams small, you know). 7,8 then 7,5 on richer scale is big. One of the biggest impacts ever. I just hope that the world do something and that as much as possible will be saved.

Tomorrow I will not do much. I’m having bit of cold so I need to take care of myself with c-vitamins and such. Have a great weekend, dear reader.

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Well, I am having a cold. Not that bad with fever but still with some headaches. So lots of c-vitamins along with paracetamol. No work today, not even tomorrow. And tomorrow that is Valentine’s Day that I wanted to do with kids at school some DIY-cards and such.. Really frustrating!

I now will just take care of myself and just try to get back to the work as much as I can. Yes, it’s boring and I haven’t been outside from my home since Friday. But I am patient. And I hope I’ll be back on Wednesday. I hope you had a great weekend, dear reader.

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So sad that I missed Valentine’s Day yesterday and to make DIYs with the children in the school. But I returned today and we had fun. We had some stations and mine was to host a disco-station. We had real disco-lights via an globe and kids had so much fun. Especially preschoolers who jumped up and down when they heard those songs with quick dance-beat. What a day!

I admire my colleagues. I’m not working not a minute over or late. They all protects me as if I was all fragile. But yes, I feel side-effects every time I wake up in my head. That I’m slow and such. Stunned, from time to time. And now Sweden has problem with shortage of medicines. Luckily I’m not affected (that much), but many others are.

Tomorrow it is a new day and I will try to also go to my local gym, to start again my training. And then see another episode of that epic tv-series in HBO Max, Last of Us (same video game I played on my old PlayStation 4). Spectacular actors and actress and if you didn’t seen this, see it!

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What a week I had, dear reader. It was really good at my work too. Time goes so fast so I almost can’t catch up with it. My work has been so far well and I’m really back in business. Not working 8h a day but still 2h day. I have been also at my local gym, but not much. This week was one of those lazy weeks so I just was there two times at my gym.

I was also outdoors in the sun. All this week had many sunny days. Although I cannot be too much in the sun, no matter how good it is. We are few weeks till the start of the spring which means my sun-depression will also start to haunt me.

Oh, yes. We had something that was suppose to be an hurricane (named “Otto”) with supposing wind with 24 meter/s (3,28 feet/s). But it never really hit us that hard, except out in the western sea. Denmark went even more far than us, when they evacuated all their residents from high houses and stopped all boat-traffic.

But that was Friday and Saturday morning it was all calmed again. Now I’m not doing much. Watching Mr Bean on telly and laugh at his shenanigans like I did when I was a young boy. I also watched other tv-series with Rowan Atkinson in it, such as Black Adder (which reminded of Monty Python). There he played various of anti-heroes through a timeline, from medieval till the modern day. I also saw him in other movies such as Johnny English.

Tomorrow it’s Monday. New week to grab. I am wishing you a great start of the week, dear reader. And take care of you.

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What a good start on the week! Wow! Sunny, bit of chilly. People (mostly young people) seems though forget that it’s soon about to be spring. And that it isn’t really much spring in the temperature. Fashion is number one priority here. Some don’t have any jackets at all. Perhaps I sound as a grumpy, old man, but I was also born with common sense (which didn’t always followed me but for most of the times). As in this case: to dress after the weather.

I have noticed though that I have some difficulty to sleep. Not to deep sleep, but to relax in the bed and focus to start the sleep. I’m not sure what to do cause sometimes pills doesn’t help. I think it’s not any medical issue here - more of psychological. I can just stare up in the sealing, listen at my breathing and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I do have an mindfulness app and only one sound (of crickets and frogs at evening) to lean on. But when that one fail, then I don’t have any back-up-plan. Well, except for Zopiclone.

I will contact my shrink (have waited for this months salary to pay my bills and see my budget) and I will bring this up. Just to go to the bottom with it. Take care if you, dear reader.

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thank you for the updated and the good vibes!

Are you ok Hexagon?

Hoping all is well

Thank You for thinking of me. I’m sorry that I haven’t found time to update my diary but I was all tired from the job. I have started to work 50% and it feels. I sleep regularly and thankfully my sleep is good. But I knew this was coming so I was prepared. Also, my local psychiatrist care did some wrong with my certificate that I need to give my boss. So this month was chaotic. I have been very upset over those rented doctors who did serious typos, especially in the classified part where that doctor did declassified for example my diagnosis (that paper that was supposed to sent to my boss). Which means that he broke the law. And that is what happens when you rent doctors instead of hire them for real.

As for me I am fortunately good and in good condition. I go early to sleep, around 21:30. And that’s my routine working days. And I can even go to the gym and have great exercise there. My colleagues really care about me. Also my boss. As if I was made of glass. I love my work and I was welcomed by all of my colleagues. They are all happy to see me.

I will here try to write before 21:00 (GMT +1). I wrote all this time after 9 pm and when I was suppose to go to bed. Or sometimes around 8 pm when I was somewhat tired. Now I will try to write sooner, like around 7 pm. If people got worried about me, please don’t be. Yes it was difficult for me to write here because I work more now but I will let You guys know how it is with me.

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Out of a hurry I missed my morningpills. 300mg x2 Ergenyl. But I’m okay, I have done that before. More and more that 5mg olanzapine I take every night (along with another dose of Ergenyl - 300mg x2) is making me dozy. But not in the night, it’s happening in the morning. I have three (!) alarms set on different times (10 minutes apart) and I can barely get up.

I’m also trying to speed up another meeting with my local psychiatrist clinic instead of waiting six months. I mean MY GOD what a amount of time for us patients, but it can be also worse. Up to one year like it also happened to me. And the psychiatrists (docs) are rented on temporary contract. Then new one comes and knows absolutely nothing about you more than it says in the journals.

And now I’m waiting for my certificate to be fixed. Many good things can be said about Sweden, even it’s health care. But psychiatrically care is among the worst on this planet. Especially in my town. Some towns doesn’t even have any psychiatrically care at all. And yet there are 1226 people who in 2021 committed suicide. Among them 873 men and 353 women. 11 children under 15. That’s the reality here, dear reader. Far from all of our mental health care are “milk and honey”.

I’m doing my best to do my regular routines. Go as much as possible to the gym (I go four times a week), hang out with my friend (I have almost 400 friends on Facebook but it feels that I have perhaps three or four who are my real). Much thanks to my eager parents that are my true support is why I haven’t get sickened again. Or got any relapse. I take moment by moment, day by day. I have wonderful colleagues who care also about me and a boss too.

Now I just finished my Yoga-tea, which is some sort of night-tea. It relax me, when I prepare myself for the bed. I hope I will write here tomorrow again. See you!

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Today was a good day. Well, all days are good, but this one was a meeting with my boss. I am truly desired he told me, and that I have a lots of knowledge and experience. Children loves me and so do my colleagues. I told him my future is with You all and the school, and that I have no plans at all to leaving. He was very relieved and happy. The meeting was about my profession as a teacher, something all teachers have once in a year (usually spring) and salary rise too.

Of course that I care about my salary, but I care more about other stuff that have an impact too. Like the atmosphere, how people treat each other and such. Stress is all the time in my profession as a teacher and I’m fine with that. As long as I’m not that “Mr. Contributer” for everyone (I can maybe clone me in two, but not in 10 staff members) and also please everyone. Otherwise I will hit the wall again. And that’s sometimes difficult to understand when the limit will be reached. And when is it time when you will say no to some colleagues without that they become upset.

I don’t know if there are any teachers here who can relate with this, but I bet there are others too who recognise this in their own profession. These demands that can pop up. Stress will always be stress, it’s a part of my profession as a teacher. But it’s those other factors that sometimes can be bananas. Like those above that I mentioned about.

Kind of depressing reading some of this text, I understand. But I always try to do some analysis and help others by not go same way I did. At least try. Now I wish you to have an wonderful weekend, dear reader.

I hope you had a good weekend, dear reader. Mine was good. I needed all the time to relax and refill my batteries. In Saturday I was out with my friend on a dinner. To be social kind of. Unfortunately, I don’t have many friends that I can go out with nowadays. They either have families or are occupied with other stuff. I don’t have any girlfriend as well, even if I’ve been at dates. I don’t really know what I do wrong. And I don’t want to be a prick and send tons of messages or something like that.

I always wondered when I will find “the right one”. I have been in relationships before, but it unfortunately never quiet worked out in long term. And how will you explain this, bipolar and such, for any of your dates? Or, when you become involved in a relationship? Last time I tried to explain, she didn’t wanted to marry with me.

I took so many great wisdoms from people who really cared of me and I tried to be wise at this to understand and yet I cannot understand. Last time I was in relationship was 2018. I tried my best but it didn’t worked out. What else can I do? Or shall I live my life in celibacy? I will be this week 39 year old. It feels as my life just vanished through my eyes, that I wasted my young years away. Most of them was in my illness, which I got my first psychosis in 2005 (when I was 21).

I don’t know. Sometimes it feels as if my self esteem has hit rock bottom. And pulverised. Okay, no more of this. I don’t want to make YOU depressive when reading my blab about my relationships, dates and such dear reader. I only hope it will sort out to the better. That’s all. Have a lovely week!

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Today we marked the World’s Down-syndrome Day at school. Many of my little students had different socks on each foot. We teachers as well. Then they painted on their paper two socks with different patterns and colours. We saw a video about why this day is important too.

We are all different. That is what it make us all so wonderful. That we are all people. That we all value diversity and respect other people. That we learn from each other, and support each other.

I always think how to be kind. And if someone think otherwise, then I need to know why that person thought I wasn’t kind. If there was something I said that could’ve been misunderstood. Then we talk as civilised adults and it’s sort out.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can’t believe how fast these days go now. Just flashing in front of your eyes. I hope you had a great Tuesday, dear reader. Tomorrow it’s a new day to embrace. And stay positive - no matter what. So remember:

“It’s not the years of your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” - Abraham Lincoln

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Time. How much, how little. It always takes time. Time to get an appointment at the psychiatrist (doc). Time that psychiatry itself find an proper appointment so it won’t collide with some other time. Time for the night-pills (read olanzapine) who really do their job but not fully to react, and when they do it is morning. You want to snooze and go back to sleep but you can’t because of the - time. Time to go up, despite that olanzapine (5mg) says big, fat no.

It sounds really ridiculous when I blab about time, but that is one and only thing that matters for us. So we can synchronise with it, and think that we have control of it. In most cases, we don’t. But fine. My time have been spent on work, work and work. And to fix errors made by my psychiatric clinic. That my psychiatrist doctor is still too stubborn to lower the dose of olanzapine. My boss is checking though if I’m all fine and that I don’t get too much stress. All my colleagues are helping me to just go with the flow. My work feels as another world compared to last year.

So what I do with my time when I don’t work? I am picking strategically days and hours when I can go to gym and when it’s not. All this must be synchronised and me to be flexible. And never ever go late at gym (since my hormones can easily produce adrenaline). At night, to have too much adrenaline, means you won’t get the sleep. So that is why time is also crucial.

I hope you have learnt how to spend your time in best, possible way, dear reader. Again, I apology for the time it took to write here, but there is always something that pops up. I wish you a happy weekend. And here’s one nice American RnB-classic with no one else than Irma Thomas. This is was recorded in BBC-studio during the New Eve of 2005: Irma Thomas - Time is On My Side (Jools' Annual Hootenanny 2005) - YouTube

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