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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 10:50 AM
  #1
Hello all. Lot of things has happened over these months. I will not go to much in detail nor will I make this reading difficult for those who are still affected in one way or another.

I started my work and all went well - till I got so many duties that after a month I burned up. I didn’t slept for weeks and got then hospitalised. Some treated me well, but other staff didn’t.

It was an literal hell to be honest. Especially for my parents. You see, in Sweden if you say that you don’t want your folks to visit you - then it was all sealed. They can hunch you wherever they want, and if you say against them - they will put you on more drugs. And that was my mistake. Then that some nurses and caregivers handled all this situation by lying to me and my family, it didn’t helped me one bit.

Late October I got back from hospital, and I just was sleeping due to all side effects of those drugs. I could barely walk 300 meters. That is how it was. Now I’m walking 5-6km every day and go to the gym. I have kept doing this for almost a month now. Which, in matter of fact, is an impressive recovery and achievement. Now the doctors will see what I really have. Is it bipolar “unspecified” or is it just PTSD. But it was not by any manic episodes that I was hospitalised - it was from pure PTSD and insomnia. Now I take also propiomazine 25mg along with 5mg olanzapine and 300mg Ergenyl(2x in morning and 2x in evening) which has special side effects: that something crawls under the skin. Which makes me referring to Linking Park’s Chester Bennington and their song “Crawling”.

I just want to say to You all that there is hope. And my lesson from all this was to put some boundaries to my colleagues and my boss. That I cannot be everyone’s worker and work everywhere they point having all kind of tasks instead of the one and only I was hired for, because I will hit the wall again. This is the typical backside of working in schools.

I hope I’ll meet a doctor before holidays, even it’s unlikely. I really miss my job though and miss my students and colleagues. I will update my diary every week, perhaps not every day (even if I’ll try). Happy holidays all. And have faith in Yourselves.

“I want to live my life, not record it.” - Jackie Kennedy

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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 10:55 AM
  #2
Thanks for the update, I've been wondering how you've been doing. Sorry you were hospitalized, but I'm glad you're doing better now

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Default Dec 08, 2022 at 11:02 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots View Post
Thanks for the update, I've been wondering how you've been doing. Sorry you were hospitalized, but I'm glad you're doing better now

I removed me completely from Facebook too. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It is shame that despite that Swedish media say so many times that they respect and aware of mental health problems that in reality isn’t so. And that I’m still afraid to speak up. Afraid of what people will say for do. Because there are so many prejudices about it. Like being in a wall of shame. That is why this is the one and only platform I can speak up and communicate with You all about this.

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Default Dec 09, 2022 at 10:09 AM
  #4
Today I had a meeting with my nurse. A plan is set so I can meet my doctor. Unfortunately, that plan is in the beginning of January right after New Year. All this could’ve been spared if those people and doctors in hospital treated me from my PTSD and heavy cough I had, but instead they put me as some sport of guinea pig.

Afterwards I went home and went for a walk in snow. 5km (3,1mi) long. Sometimes I do more. I also noticed that with my food-discipline that I’ve dropped many kilos/pounds. Especially around my waist. I have all my days formed by strict routines. Soon I’ll head for the gym, which will be my second visit this week (I started the comeback last month).

I’m fortunate that I have my mom and my dad. I think in the end that this whole injustice will be sorted out. But it will come with consequences, from these events that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I wish You all happy weekend and take care of each other out there. Be happy for those little things. Live Your lives.

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Default Dec 10, 2022 at 12:47 PM
  #5
I like how this month has been. I’m going regularly to my local gym and also I do a lot of power-walkings. I need something to stay with so to say. To put me into balance. Last night it was good with the pills. No side-effects at all. No crawling-things, nothing. I’m motivated to pull myself together each time and get my spirit up.

I will also meet with a doctor so they can adjust my medicines. I’m not into any dating or that - just an recovery. Of course I want to meet a lady in her 30:s (as I am too) and go step-by-step in the relationship, but I can’t have afford to mess things up now.

I hope you - dear reader - had an good Saturday. And that you enjoyed from those small things, like baking the gingerbreads or baking. Or just spend your quality-time with your dear ones. Tomorrow it’s Saturday and soon it’s Xmas. Take your time and enjoy the best of it. And remember:

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Default Dec 11, 2022 at 01:56 PM
  #6
It was an nice Sunday. I got for a good walk over 5km/3mi. Relaxed, watched some tv and had a good time. I also went to my local gym - which is now my fourth visit this week.

I am not following much stuff around the world, because I know already how it is. Some news I get from my Swedish news-channel, but no magazines. I’m tired of what Putin does or not. It’s all focus on him, and nothing more. That is why I stay with SVT-channel - one and only.

I’m missing my job and my colleagues. I’m not used to this, being at home and just wait. But soon it’s Xmas and I will spent that with my brother and his family. I hope You are all well here. There will always be some points in your life that might be dark or in a haze. Or in a mist. But keep walking, and use the light. See the opportunities and grab one. Once you grab one, the next will follow.

Now I’m drinking my bedtime-tea, something I always do to be more relaxed. Take care of yourself, dear reader.

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Default Dec 12, 2022 at 12:48 PM
  #7
Monday. The first day of the week. Last night I woke up three times due to the side effects from the propiomazine (25mg). I still feel it, but now in my thighs. I’m not sure how I’ll endure all this till beginning of January, the time when I’ll visit my doctor for the first time since 2,5 months. Plus that melting olanzapine on 10mg who starts to kick in immediately - which means I need to time my sleeping.

I got to know that I’m really missed on my work. And I’ll visit the students soon. Before the New Year. My colleagues are too worrying about me, so I told my boss to explain that I’m much better. And that I’m currently taking day by day, moment by moment.

I also got today on my regular route, 5km (3,1mi) in -6 C (21.6 F). Plus wind, so it was even colder. Now I’m spending my quality time looking at British tv. But the more time is crawling to my medicine-intake the more those side effects that worries me. But I’ll see what I will do this time. Perhaps go to bed 30 minutes after the intake and hope for the best.

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Default Dec 13, 2022 at 12:33 PM
  #8
Good day today. I couldn’t go for a walk since it was too cold. Seems Mr Winter will be here for the rest of the week with temperatures from -10 C (14 F) to -15 C (5 F). I was though at the gym and had my exercise. Four days training a week - that’s my goal. And always two different muscle groups (today I had shoulders and biceps).

I can’t believe how much good progress I’ve done in so little time. Tomorrow I will go for my relax, in a jacuzzi (I pay an monthly fee to be at that relaxation - not too expensive though). Two big hot tubs that reminds of ancient Roman style. Even the mosaic is remind me of that.

Now I’ll just get myself a cup of tea and enjoy the evening. I wish you dear reader a great week to you too.

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Default Dec 14, 2022 at 02:45 PM
  #9
It was an easy day today. Well, with some power-walk outdoors. This time it was not that cold, but still cold. Over 5km (3mi). Then hit the sofa and watched some tv.

Afternoon I went to the bath-place to relax. Some people were there and everyone enjoyed. I was there for almost two hours. Then I went to the groceries to buy me dinner. Overall I liked the day. Tonight I’ll see if I’ll get those crawling-side effects from those other pills. Really dumb ones, if not pointless to use. But since I need to wait to the beginning of January for the doc, I have no other choice than use them.

Now I just finished my bedtime-tea and will soon go to sleep. Take care of yourselves!

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Default Dec 15, 2022 at 02:32 PM
  #10
I didn’t do much today. Went to a store to buy Xmas-gifts for my dear and near ones. It was so cold that I couldn’t go outdoors at all - just to the car and back. This winter seems to be a real winter.

I’m now watching at British series (documentary) about the British nature and some religious buildings in Britain. I see all these wonderful rivers via Cambridgeshire Fens where two older people travel with a long boat. All those cathedrals is such wonderful to see. Really beautiful. Some dates back to 1083 A.D.

I’m not religious at all, fully atheist. But nevertheless it’s an cathedral or a mosque, if that religious building is old and - in this matter - gorgeously beautiful, I can’t stop watch at it and be amazed. That is why I adore that kind of history.

I got my night-tea too, so I’m off after tv, to bed. Have a nice day/evening dear reader.

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Default Dec 15, 2022 at 11:55 PM
  #11
Glad you got some Christmas shopping done. I’m going with my partner tomorrow to finish the rest of mine off. Hopefully.
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Default Dec 16, 2022 at 01:14 PM
  #12
Today I was at my local gym. Well worth hour. Focused on my back, since I have problem with it from time to time. Then some triceps. Not too overcrowded either. I decided to revive my Facebook after all (by mistake to be honest) only to realise that tomorrow it would become the day of total erasing. On everything. But unlike before, I will probably never use it - or, in special cases - use it at minimum to nothing.

I had last night very serious side effects from those other pills - propiomazine (25mg). My arms started to burn. Really unfortunate and uncomfortable surprise in the middle of the night, while I was in my deep sleep.

I don’t know what to do anymore. If I shall call that section I was in the hospital for a doctor to lower those horrified pills. Because next appointment is in the beginning of January. And I don’t dare to remove them myself, since the dose is high. What a stupid situation…

Hopefully it will be fixed in one way or another. But I’ll call hospital on Monday and see how it can be fixed. Have a nice weekend, dear user!

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Default Dec 17, 2022 at 03:38 PM
  #13
Good day today. Didn’t do that much but yet it felt as I did. I also went to the gym and did my exercises. Great day, overall. Plus it’s not anymore minus degrees so I can do my regular walks.

Last night I had all those problems with the pills - propiomazine. Now I took only half of that damn thing, to see how the reaction will be. I am not used to such side-effects and I can’t wait for the beginning of January for my doctor. This town is beyond stupidity regarding helping patients with mental health. That much that I’ll seek professional help in another town in southern Sweden - at a private clinic.

Perhaps I sound grumpy, but they had so many opportunities to give me the right help. And instead that section even lied to my parents - not to tell giving me too way much pills and injections. I, who not even had a manic episode but had a burn from my job and needed to rest and have a good sleep. All amateurs. That’s why I’m still upset and frustrated about all this. That much that I’m even now considering to move from here. Cause this treatment I will never forget nor forgive.

Now I will just make me some good night tea and try to relax. To see opportunities instead of the darkness in the past. And just take moment by moment, day by day, so I can go back to my job. Take care of you dear reader and remember:

“Believe you can and you're halfway there.” - Theodore Roosevelt

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Default Dec 18, 2022 at 03:34 PM
  #14
Today it was just a lazy Sunday. Lazy, cause I also injured myself at my local gym two days ago. Crap happens, but I should’ve known better since I’m still experienced.

I basically didn’t do a thing today. But what I did last night, that was to chop propiomazine (25mg) in half (the damn pill had an opening in the middle). And guess what: No more crawling! No side-effects what so ever! I even had my best sleep for months.

I really couldn’t wait for the doctors approval. I had literally no choice than do this. Now I’m in the bed and will turn off the phone. Have a good night, dear reader. Or a good day - if you’re on the other side of the planet.

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Default Dec 18, 2022 at 06:30 PM
  #15
Sometimes we have no other choice than to take our medication matters into our own hands, especially when our docs are so hard to get a hold of and there are urgent matters going on.

Hope your injury heals quickly

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Default Dec 19, 2022 at 02:53 PM
  #16
What an odd day today. First and foremost, it’s raining and most of the snow is gone. The most boring day so far. I can’t gym due to my injury on the back, and my right chest have issues too. So I spent my day watching tv. Which I’m not used to it… I’m the “go-guy”, on the go all the time. I can’t rest.

On the plus side: I put an application to that new clinic-center. They got my mail and they want me to come. So I done an online referral and hope they will give me some time to come. To have an appointment with an psychiatrists. Cause in my town, that will not going to happen.

Now I did my bed-time tea, with some lemon-juice on top and some ecological honey. Watching on documentaries on travels through Algeria via Swedish channel “Kunskapskanalen” (Knowledge-channel): “Magnificent Maghreb”. People there seems to be so down to earth.. Appreciating the simplest things in the life.

Have a great start of the week, dear reader. And stay safe.

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Default Dec 20, 2022 at 03:50 PM
  #17
Now all snow is gone. Well, almost. I did a good walk today with my dad. We talked a lot about my visit at hospital, how bad they treated me there. I remember something, but I also have fragments from my memory which allows me not to remember. Not sure why. And that is sometimes why I’m up at night, wondering what, how and why all this happened.

This week I’ll rest myself from the gym, since I injured me. I try to keep my days just as normal as everyone else’s. I go to the grocery’s, buy supplies. I’m very careful with my money. Perhaps I’ll go to the relax tomorrow, to the public jacuzzi and have a good time.

Now, I took my night-tea and feeling bit dozed. So that’s it for tonight. Have a good night, dear reader. Or a good day.

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Default Dec 21, 2022 at 02:55 PM
  #18
Dear reader. I must say that I feel better since I chopped in half propiomazine (25mg). Much, much better. Also, I’m taking olanzapine but 30 min before the bed. I didn’t do much today, besides my regular walk. I was listening to Led Zeppelin (have their all albums). And there is always something special about Led Zeppelin. From Jimmy Page’s legendary guitar-solos to John Bonham’s masterful drumming.

I wasn’t growing up in that era, but my parents were. As they were just teenagers. Even though that kind of music wasn’t really the taste of my folks (more like Boney M and ABBA), they surely remember how it was and use to tell me.

As a child in the 90s I myself listened to many artists. The one I began first was Michael Jackson - The King of Pop. He had something few had, and that was his skills on the stage. And all those moves. We kids just tried over and over again to copy his moonwalk, few did it right. Then, 1996, I started to listening at Metallica (really strange, I know) on their album Load, then Re-Load and I was hooked.

For me music means everything. I can jump one day for The Rolling Stones to go for a ride in my ears with AC/DC or Blur. And I have no mix-lists here; artists are all sorted neat and clean. Now I’m watching “The Great British Bake Off” (now “Great Christmas Bake Off”) and enjoying my evening. Have a great day or evening on you too, dear reader.

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Default Dec 22, 2022 at 03:34 PM
  #19
Today I was for a walk again. Far over 5km (3mi). I need my power-walks and I love to listen at my favourite music. It’s usually with metal, rock, hard rock and this time was Led Zeppelin. Again. Every song they made had a purpose. But it’s not like heavy adjustments, like for example regarding the other British rock band - Queen. Every one of Queen’s songs sounded different from each other. The melody was different, the style - everything.

I talked also to one of my colleagues from work. I phoned him and he was really glad that I’ll visit him and my colleagues next week. I need that, to be honest, that they stop being worried.

Soon it’s Xmas and my gifts for my nephews are ready. Tomorrow is a new day to catch new opportunities.

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Default Dec 23, 2022 at 03:59 PM
  #20
Today, dear reader, I had a blast. It was really good day. I went to my local swimming-center and basically swam the crap out of me. I don’t know how many laps I did in that 25-meters (82 foot) pool. It was so breathtaking afterwards! Wow! Then I went to the relax in the jacuzzi.

I probably know that many aren’t that fortunate to have this at all place. And to an affordable price. But good walks in the park or nature does a lot of great impact too. All this positive energy. Like leaning to the oldest tree you can find with your back. Then let go of your hands, close your eyes and be one with the nature for one minute. To let all negative energy get away from you and exchange positive energy from the tree.

My mom and I use to do that from time to time. And it works. Also that moment when you listening at nature, the birds and such. Even the wind itself.

Now I took my bedtime-tea and will shortly get myself for the bed. Have a great Xmas tomorrow, dear reader!New beginning: Diary 3.0New beginning: Diary 3.0

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