Bipolar Check-in #72

Thank you MuddyBoots, I hope you're doing okay

I went grocery shopping then went to CVS and picked up my meds. Someone gave away a bunch of stuff they didn't want or need anymore. I ended up getting a really nice full sized Casio keyboard, and a Nikon D70s DSLR camera. For free, which is amazing. I've always wanted a DSLR camera and now I have one, it's in really good condition, I just need to buy a new charger/batteries, a memory card, and case for it. I have a good friend who knows a lot about photography and she's gonna give me some tips on starting to learn how to use it and get better at taking pics. As for the Keyboard, I currently play ukulele, and played violin growing up. I've always wanted to learn piano or the keyboard though so this is super exciting and I am really looking forward to learning. I'm gonna clean it up a bit. It's really a nice one though and works well.

Starting the trazodone tonight

My anxiety isn't bad today, I managed to get on the bus 4 times (two separate trips back and forth today) and my anxiety isn't bad at home either. I think being busy the past couple days has helped. I tend to do better when I'm busy doing stuff. Even if it's just household stuff like cleaning, vacuuming, doing dishes etc I'm going to my friends house on Sunday. We're gonna play some games and order Chinese takeout to celebrate the New Year.

I ended up having to get up early to put the trash out. Usually I do it at night but yesterday I forgot and took a early shower. Ugh, I hate getting up in the dark. I can hardly fathom that solstice has come and gone, the days aren’t noticeably longer yet.

I got all my chores for the week done so now I can relax both Saturday and Sunday. I did make it to fitness this week but not the aqua fitness. There’s that dark cold morning that puts me off. Brr and boo. But I aim to go next week.

My t says I’m moving fast today. Lol
If he only knew how fast my brain and heart are fluttering!!!!
I feel like I’m losing it haha I just wanna sing

Hallie, have you actually seen your new NP yet? What did he say? Your posts like "I feel like I'm losing it haha" and talking about your np being against you are concerning. How has your sleep been?

I saw him in a virtual appt yesterday. I didn’t sleep much last night. I just got out kg appt with t. He says I’m moving fast today cause I’m usually not cussing or laughing so much

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 I’m a little Worried the psych NP I saw yesterday is working against me. He wants me to end up in ip and probably will get money for Doing so

I've had thoughts that tell me similar things. Those are times when I have to do reality checks, though. If that NP takes $ for getting you IP he would lose his job. It's not logical. Your thoughts are telling you things that are not based in reality right now.

To be frank, it sounds like you're manic or at least hypomanic. Did you tell your NP about all these symptoms (racing thoughts, hallucinations, lack of sleep, maybe a touch of paranoia)?
If you really don't want to go IP it's best to be honest with him so you can nip it in the bud before it really gets out of hand and you do become a danger to yourself or others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I ended up having to get up early to put the trash out. Usually I do it at night but yesterday I forgot and took a early shower. Ugh, I hate getting up in the dark. I can hardly fathom that solstice has come and gone, the days aren’t noticeably longer yet. I got all my chores for the week done so now I can relax both Saturday and Sunday. I did make it to fitness this week but not the aqua fitness. There’s that dark cold morning that puts me off. Brr and boo. But I aim to go next week.

I hear you. I have to get up in the dark to test Sidney's glucose, feed the kits and administer her insulin. It takes gumption. Pretty when the day dawns, though. I caught something last night, I swear I did. When I was getting ready for bed I suddenly thought back about it and it seemed to me that the day had been the teensiest bit longer. Oh, nothing major, nothing truly noticeable. But something. Looking back, it seemed I had closed my curtains just a scant bit later than I did a week ago. It was something; it felt like a victory.


I can only imagine how hard it must be! I do think if you make to aqua fitness next week, though, you may feel like the solstice is, indeed, behind you.

That’s so cool about the free stuff Blue_Bird! I have a full sized Casio keyboard in my living room that I rarely play. I wanna learn so badly. I knew how to read music years ago (I played trombone in middle school) and the basics is music but just need some accountability and practice. Hope you get use out of yours and your camera!!

HALLIEBETH take care of yourself. Try checking your thinking as much as possible. Much of what you’re saying does sound pretty unlikely. Like Nammu said, being a bit unstable doesn’t warrant IP necessarily. Please do what is best and listen to your mental health team. You’re a very strong and intelligent woman and you’ve worked really hard this year at bettering yourself with your education and job. We all want you to continue to succeed. Just a friendly voice trying to help.

Beth - I hope you can get off the topamax. That does sound super scary. I don’t know how I’d feel starting a med without be given a warning in verbal form when its prevalence of these side effects are in the ranges you say. Wishing for the best on that front.

MuddyBoots- thanks ! I used to frequent the forums (multiple times over the last 7-8 years) and I don’t remember seeing you around. I enjoy reading your posts ! Thanks for your support.

Halliebeth, I hope you're able to talk to your NP about how you feel. I used to feel that very often, feeling that my doctor was out to get me or put me on meds that poisoned me or made me unstable, etc things of that nature, it's very scary to feel that way. I did tell my doctor that and they were able to help get me stable with med changes, without putting me IP. I hope that's what yours can do with you since you said you're not in danger, but if you are it's best to be honest and get help

Rain, rain, rain. It's good, we sure need plenty of it. Mr. Magnificent Redwood Tree outside of my kitchen window is drinking the rain up; he needs moisture and damp weather.

So. I am absolutely fine with anyone posting on this thread or on this board (the Bipolar Disorder board) who wants to post here. I'm happy to have all of us here, supporting each other, exchanging info, having fun, all of it. I also would ideally like to have more members who have been diagnosed with BD on this board and live with BD day in, day out. We've had some people here with bipolar disorder who are no longer active, which is very unfortunate. A few who are semi-involved drop by now and then and it's always wonderful to see them, but their visits are rare.

That the Personality Disorder board is not more active is really unfortunate. I have seen people try to pick up the pace, but very few respond. I suspect most of that is because of the fear of "the label." Heartbreaking. Why, why hasn't such ignorance changed by this time, 3 days from 2023? This isn't 1965. It's unforgivable that the APA hasn't made a supreme effort to change it. People are fighting stigma - what is the APA doing to fight it? They have the power, ultimately.

Anyway, all that aside, I'm thinking about creating a post that's taking shape in my mind. I'm not yet sure how to organize my ideas.

@Brentus I changed my name somewhat recently so that's probably why you don't remember me. I forget what it was before MuddyBoots

This whole person contacting me is getting me on edge. I last was in contact with her 14 years ago. I spent so many therapy sessions being reassured no one would do this because if they did it would of happened by now. And those sessions were like 6 years ago.

I told my t. He said to practice my skills and hang in there.
I don’t see him again for three weeks
As he is out next week and booked the following. Sucks. Lol all well.

As for np. My t doesn’t like him. I see a new
Pdoc but it’s for a month away!

My brother just left. We had a good time. We went to the walking track (Literally had a blizzard last week and it's in the 60s now... crazy.) and I enjoyed being out for a little while. My brother leaves tomorrow so I won't see him again before he leaves. We had a little bonding moment talking about mom and how she can be a hassle sometimes. It was refreshing. I'm not close with any of my siblings, but I think the little I can find ways to relate, maybe I could foster a better relationship. I have a lot of reasons I won't get into right now why we're not close, but it just makes the "instinct" of being close seem like a joke. That kind of thing is fostered when you're young. I just lack that. I'm glad however he is in my life, however little that is. His kids are really something too.

My therapy went well. Since it was my last day with her, it was a little sad. However we made sure everything was set up for my replacement, someone qualified (as best as possible) and gave me some tips and ideas on how to try to keep momentum with my therapy and start over at the same time. I'm hoping it is just temporary (if I get my appeal approved, I will be seeing her again), but if not, I can at least say working with her has taught me at least one thing about myself that I a year ago could not believe -- that I can foster a relationship with someone that is not problematic. Granted, a therapist-patient relationship is kinda based on a therapist being empathetic, understanding, knowledgeable, and reasonable... but it's still a start. It's still something and negates the idea I CAN'T, it may be hard... but I'm still working on making that work for me. She also left me with her email so I can keep her informed on the disability front and so she can help with the transition as needed from my perspective. I really appreciate that a lot. Next Thursday I meet my new therapist-- it is one she recommended and apparently comes "highly desired" according to the clinic. I have some really good ideas of ways to get the ball rolling.


I consider walking today kind of my "treat" for getting a lot of stuff I needed done this week, done. Things I was putting off and things that I had a really hard time initiating. My increased mood has really helped with that, and I'm not gonna waste these moments. I'm "accumulating use of the positive" now , so that if I do dip again soon, I have a bit of a safety net in terms of responsibilities. I hope I stay on the higher end of the spectrum though.

[MENTIONBrentus[/MENTION] that sounds great.

I got the place. H wants me back on meds ASAP he says I'm hyper fixated that there will be bugs or scabies or some other infestation and because I haven't slept or ate it's likely I'm paranoid.

Well we did make it home in one piece. (I think one day our luck will run out. )Weather sucked for the drive home due to some rain, snow and some black ice. I truly am sick of making this drive. It just gets harder each time.

Despite everything we did to the pipes ( blew them out) we still had 3 burst when we turned water back on. I absolutely refuse to leave ever again in the winter ! We got the rental car turned in. I was so worried they would hit us with a bunch of xtra fees but they didn’t Thankfully.

So my insurance decided to not cover Xeljanz anymore. So my Rheumatologist is switching me to Rinvoq. I hope it works as well at Xeljanz but I’d be thrilled if it works even better. There’s a bit higher risk of cardiac problems so that’s a concern.

I scheduled Steve and I for appts with a new Doctor. Not sure we will like this guy but I had to get us in with someone so our records will be transferred. Here’s hoping he doesn’t suck.

Hope everyone is ready for a brand new year !

Hugs all

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m so glad to hear from you Christina. I’ve been wondering. I hear ya on long drives. Going between Texas and Minnesota mostly in the winter got to be too much too, and a big factor in moving back. Frankly the kids should be coming to your house.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed This whole person contacting me is getting me on edge. I last was in contact with her 14 years ago. I spent so many therapy sessions being reassured no one would do this because if they did it would of happened by now. And those sessions were like 6 years ago.

I don't blame you, Md. It would creep me out + it would piss me off. Finding you online is enough, no need to look for your phone number.