Bipolar check in #73

Thank you for your welcome greetings, ronkuby, Nammu, Beth and Tuckson!

Well today was sad. The doctor talked to mum about hospice care. My sister said they have everything you need on loan and that’s what her sister in law had. It was nice. So we’re going to start thinking about that.

i am struggling very much with thoughts of an ex-lover that i had an affair with. it was a very short (one month) affair, but extremely intense. it was as emotional as it was physical - we were ex-coworkers that always seemingly had a connection but had never met (both working remotely). but i had an episode and her and i started messaging and it progressed veeeeery quickly (within 3 days i was making plans to leave my wife and had moved out of my house and got an apartment). we made all sorts of plans and had some incredible sex and also had a really wonderful, strong, and real connection. i do believe that we did somehow fall in love that quickly. but as my episode waned i realized the damage i was causing to my wife and our kids and i broke it off and also broke my lease and moved back home. obv this was devastating to eveyrone around me for different reasons.

i still think of her almost every day, and even though i love my wife i still daydream about a life with this other woman. occasionally we will exchange very brief emails that just say "missing you" or some such. sometimes i want to be with her so badly it hurts.

that is so hard. i'm sorry your family is going through that.

I'm wondering how much longer I can hang on by myself before I need to go to the doctors. I am beyond exhausted. I haven't showered in 3 days due to fatigue and lack of energy. My legs feel like they are going to give out on me and my arms feel really weak too. Yesterday my blood pressure was 105. I'm super nauseated if I don't eat. If I do eat I don't feel better much either. I have a sunken look in my eyes like I'm constantly hungover. My mom is getting my zofran which I swear is all I need. But I didn't know lacking vitamin D would be kicking my *** this badly.

I feel kinda better now after a tylenol. As long as I don't move at all too.

Edit: I got my zofran a couple hours ago and my nausea is gone. I'm still exhausted and my legs still feel kinda weird but at least my stomach is under control and I was on the verge of crying because I was in so much pain.

I’m so sorry, nammu. That is hard to do and hard to think about.

We recently had a family member have a similar conversation with the doctor: did she want quality or quantity of life. He made it clear that both options came with trade offs. The family member chose quality and put in place a do not resuscitate order and said she doesn't want to be taken to the hospital if something happens and to just be comfortable.

It's a difficult choice to make and we helped her with it, but it's practical. It puts things in place for end of life care.

I ****en give up. I'm done. I have 2 days until it's completely out of my system. I tried called everyone and nothing. **** them, **** this, I'm done. One more reason to hate this city and I can't do anything because the damn receptionist won't let me see another Dr and mines unavailable. She's essentially dictating what medication I'm allowed and that's not her specialty. It's not like my mood is up and I can really do anything about it. The pharmacy said I'll get withdrawal in 3 days. It's rediculous. I've called insurance about 5x, the clinic umpteen times, the pharmacy more times then I can count, I've showed up there 3x. There's literally nothing I can do. Everyone blames me. But I've been trying to get this done for 3 weeks. And I've been it for hours from the 20th. I can't afford out of pocket dr and 1 pill is 70 something dollars. I'm not going back to that clinic I'm waiting to see my PCP to refer me to regular psych. The sucky part is I didn't want to be sick for PCP and the next day I have a 3 hour dental appointment that I'm going to be unwell for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Well today was sad. The doctor talked to mum about hospice care. My sister said they have everything you need on loan and that’s what her sister in law had. It was nice. So we’re going to start thinking about that.

Oh, honey. I'm sending loving vibes.

I apologize @Rosi700, I was in a hurry to a therapy appointment earlier.


I'm so sorry someone made fun of you. Making fun of someone for any reason is not okay, in my book. Are you on any medication or in therapy at this time?

btw, I've been married for 40+ years, but my worse half and I have not lived together for many years. I have 2 adult children, my daughter who lives in NYC, and my son who lives in San Francisco. I share my home with 5 wonderful cats. Oh, and I'm dx'ed with bipolar disorder 2. And I'm on a lot of meds right now because I was in a severe depression in the autumn/winter.

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Originally Posted by ronkuby ... i still think of her almost every day, and even though i love my wife i still daydream about a life with this other woman. occasionally we will exchange very brief emails that just say "missing you" or some such. sometimes i want to be with her so badly it hurts.

Thank you for sharing such an intense part of your life, ronkuby. I have a couple of similar experiences. My marriage was in shambles when I ended up being with other men (my husband flatly refused counseling for himself or for us, he has severe OCD & refuses treatment, a mess). I regret not having divorced my husband 20 years ago, when I knew that would be the best and healthiest course for me.

How do you feel about your marriage, overall?

Oooh, @Miguel'smomI feel so angry when a receptionist crosses boundaries like that! NO, it is not her place to decide upon your medication options.

@Mountaindewed , vitamin D deficiency can do weird things. One common symptom is hair loss. Another is feeling very run-down, tired.

I've been eating way too much sugar this winter, so I'm giving you the same advice I'm giving myself. Try to cut down on the amount of sugar you're eating. Refined sugar can also mess with your health in so many ways.

@wildflowerchild25 , how are you?

@Blue_Bird and @BeyondtheRainbow , I'm thinking about both of you. Check in if you're up for it

Hi @MuddyBoots

Ugh this weather system has left me with the worst headache. 66 degrees and windy today then 40 and snow tomorrow

Mum’s gone downhill ever since the doctor talked to her this morning. It’s like she’s taken that as permission to give up. She’s not eating and getting weaker every day. I really regret telling the social worker to go ahead with the transfer to the nursing home. Should have said no let’s get hospice started. Now she’ll have to go to the nursing home while we try to set everything up as soon as possible to get her home.

Oh wow the meds I'm on make me so sensitive to the sun!

Even though I was in the shade for most of the day, my feet were exposed to the sun for about an hour and now I have a sunburn on both my feet and lower legs.

Add to that, I have a bruise at the bottom of my right foot from rocks I slipped on while walking through the water. It's an actual bruise, I didn't know you could get one at the bottom of the foot. Now each step I take with my right foot is painful. It's a little better when I wear my sandals because they have supports in them.

I'm going into the ocean tomorrow. Wish me luck that something else doesn't happen. I'm going to wear a t-shirt in the water to protect my upper body from the sun.

Hi @*Beth*. I'm ok. This depression is rough and the meds are making me very tired still. I have a feeling I'm going to be increasing my clozaril next week. I don't want to but it's just easier. I have to be careful because I don't often get just depression, it usually flips to mixed. Last winter though I think I stayed depressed without the mixed thing being bad. I'd have to have my therapist look back at my chart to know. I am trying hard to get out for a walk every day and not nap. I don't always manage the no nap thing but I'm trying. I chopped up the veggies for soup tomorrow; I just have to throw things in the crockpot in the morning. I'll be glad for that.


Thanks for asking.

nammu, I am so sorry for your mom not eating. sounds like she is ready to go.please don't think about a feeding tube.that would be force feeding her. and you don't want that. keeping her comfortable is what she wants. talk to her read to her the paper if she wishes apply lotion to her arms and legs massage her while putting on the lotion don't forget her feet.It is such a neglected area and a foot massage feels so good. Don't worry about doing it the perfect way, just try different things and ask her to tell you what she likes as you do this.then you could do this daily. It is such a comfort.
bizi

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow Hi @*Beth*. I'm ok. This depression is rough and the meds are making me very tired still. I have a feeling I'm going to be increasing my clozaril next week. I don't want to but it's just easier. I have to be careful because I don't often get just depression, it usually flips to mixed. Last winter though I think I stayed depressed without the mixed thing being bad. I'd have to have my therapist look back at my chart to know. I am trying hard to get out for a walk every day and not nap. I don't always manage the no nap thing but I'm trying. I chopped up the veggies for soup tomorrow; I just have to throw things in the crockpot in the morning. I'll be glad for that. Thanks for asking.

Hi Rainbow, I'm so glad you've checked in. I understand about the mixed tendency, I usually have that experience, too. This past season of depression, pure depression, was fairly new to me. The walks are such a big thing and it is absolutely great that you're doing them as much as possible. But don't be hard on yourself.

@Miguel'smom, I'm so sad (and a bit angry) that your supposed mental health support team is letting you down. You certainly have been trying to get your meds, from what you described. When you do finally manage to talk to your psychiatrist, I think you need to provide strong criticism about how the "system" is not working well for you in your new location. Hugs and I do hope the situation is resolved soon and that any withdrawals are mild, in the meantime.

@Nammu, sending hugs of support your way. I'm sorry you have had to reach this time with your mom.

My Czech class went well last night. The level seems good, even though I'm a bit ahead in some ways. My weakest point is grammar. My strongest is the pronunciation of the words (ear for the language). It's always this way for me, no matter the language studied. The teacher always has me read out loud complex instructions. I guess he figures that's less painful than having one of the other students do so.

This morning we're soon heading to Prague (by train) to pick up my new passport from the US embassy. Not sure what else we might do there.