Bipolar Check-in #75

I still can't smell or taste anything and its starting to drive me crazy. I couldn't taste my cheese puffs. Or my matcha frappuchino. I just now stuck my nose in my carmael cinnamon stroopwafel and I couldn't smell a thing. I hope this is not permanent. All I had was a cold and I'm feeling much better today.

Tommorow I'm going over to my sisters house for once for Memorial Day. My brother in law got a meat smoker so he is going to smoke up a bunch of meat. I hope I can smell and taste by tommrow afternoon and that my stomach is ok.

I'm nervous about this gastro stuff and the endoscopy and what they will find. But the level keeps going up and the pain sucks, so something isnt right. Hopefully its easily fixable though.

I wonder if my cast iron stomach and all my weird food combinations over the years finally caught up to me.

We had a small bbq today. It was quite pleasant. I picked my grandma up from her house to bring her here and the whole time I was praying (sort of - I’m not religious) that she’d still be alive by the time we got there. I was puzzled about my worse than usual anxiety until I realized that today is the anniversary of my first husband’s sudden death from a drug overdose.



So anyway. Everything went well. I’m kind of afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid someone’s gonna be dead when I wake up. It’s hard for me to reason through this particular brand of anxiety because it really could happen. And I can’t tell myself it’s unlikely because it was unlikely eight years ago but it happened.

Ugh. I don’t know. I’m watching a comedy on Netflix to kind of take my mind off everything. Hopefully I’ll be able to calm down before bedtime.

I had a quiet day. It went up to 29 degrees Celsius (84 degrees Fahrenheit), but that was just at the height of the day. It's still cooling off nicely at night. I realized i've had to be assertive with my neighbors twice over the past few days and that it went well both times. Assertiveness is a challenge for me. First, i kicked an aggressive dog out of the dog park. Second, i quieted down my neighbor who was noisy for hours. I waited until it was past quiet hours, so i was clearly in the right. I found out he's playing Dungeons and Dragons over the phone. It was really bothering me, not knowing what he was hooting and hollering about and why he would use different voices and why he'd go silent sometimes. I thought, well, he's either one hell of a conversationalist over the phone or he's a gamer talking over a headset. But his explanation tells why he talks in a higher voice sometimes, presumably his character. Sheesh! Both incidents had good results and i didn't find it too upsetting. Yay Jane!

Brilliant on your part, way to go on being assertive!

Yay!!!!!!for assertiveness!

I feel like something really bad is about to happen in the world. I felt this way before in Decemeber 2019. I just now had to take a valium because I was working myself into a panic over it. I just feel weird. I'm eating Ritz crackers that don't have any taste since I still can't taste. Idk. I get these intutions and they are freaky.

So, some fun stuff and some sarcastically fun stuff. The fun stuff: I go back to work in two days! I can't wait! Just gotta take care of some logistics involving my upcoming schedule and I'm golden.

The not so fun stuff: My legs and ankles are noticably swollen. They're so swollen that any socks I wear leave a large ring indentation around the top. I'd wager good money this is largely a result of me being laid up and not particularly active in a month and a half. At any rate, I bought some compression socks to try and jump start some circulation down there. Here's hoping it works. I'd hate to have to go to the doc for some water pills.

Hope the compression socs help! May be it is wise starting to go for a slow walk as well? I know how hard it is to come into good physical habits when depression has put one out of motivation. The Spring/Summer time is a good time to restart physical activities. At least that is my experience.

I appreciate the threads you created and enjoyed reading others' responses in them. And responding. I think there are lurkers out there that also did, even if silently.

I'm glad you are doing well and hope that lasts. Perhaps the car ride will be more pleasant than you expect. Congrats to your nephew!

So I have a rather rocky relationship with my parents. They don't like my husband or his job (he's a chef/kitchen manager), and my mom is scary and always so angry!!! They're both religious fanatics and believe in every conspiracy theory under the sun. I haven't seen them in years because they stress me out so much and make my anxiety skyrocket. (There's much more to the story, but I'm not getting into it.)

Last night my daughter wrote a letter to them, asking why they're so mean to daddy and I. It was really sweet! I was touched. Of course I told her she couldn't actually give it to them, which made her upset.

But it was still really sweet of her.

Well, I can safely say the compression socks were a failure. They started seriously hurting after a couple hours wearing them and while I don't think it actually made it any worse, my legs certainly look worse!

Definitely want to visit the doctor at this point, but the question is today at urgent care or tomorrow with my PCP. Something needs to happen. It's just a question of what.

My husband was having an issue with swollen ankles and feet. Besides the usual things that help (drinking a lot of water, some exercise, lower salt, keeping legs elevated) what helped was an increase in his prescription diuretic med, which he already took for high blood pressure.

In the past, I also briefly had swollen lower legs and feet. The last time it was from prolonged sitting on planes and in the airports. It resolved itself, quickly. Other times were in reaction to injuries, such as to my knees or other leg areas after bad falls. My nephrologist also always checks them since it can be a sign of worsening kidney issues.

Have you tried the other "usual things"? The leg elevation is an easy and pleasant enough one.

my ankle socks always produce edema at the ankle never crossed my

mine that there was anything wrong.

just that I was carrying too much weight.
Have been eating fattening foods the last few days and drinking too much,
It is a holiday weekend after all.
bizi

I'm pretty pissed at my brother in law again. He invited us for a bbq at their house and asked my mom to make and bring a whole bunch of food. Then half an hour before we were supposed to leave he mentioned that he had a couple friends there and their 1 year old baby over for the night. Like he couldn't mention that before? Now I don't want to get a 1 year old sick with this cold that isn't going away which my mom says is being made worse by my other issues. Like I spit out blood in the sink today. I don't think thats very good.

Anyways I just feel like they are taking advantage of my mom. I know I've mentioned this before, but it seems to be getting worse. The kids are coming over tommorow for a bit in the morning because my sister has a meeting and my bil has to work but he still works from home. So why can't he watch the kids for an hour instead of dumping them on my mom again.

Sorry for the rant. I feel like crap and I'm worried.

Your parents sound so difficult. I'm not sure I could bear that. My mother is difficult and was abusive to me growing up but at least she has mellowed.


I grew up very religious (Catholic) but even my mother is no longer religious. She was a teacher in a Catholic school and after my dad left, the nun and priest who ran the school treated her very badly.


I no longer even call myself Christian because I don't want to be associated with the self-proclaimed Christians who behave in a bigoted and cruel manner. And ever since I was a child I perceived the Gospels in a slightly different manner than everyone else seemed to. I think it likely that Jesus would be horrified by the behaviour of so-called Christians throughout history and up to the present day.

Well, I'm zero for four on the list of usual things, so I'm for sure making a contribution there! I've adjusted my behavior accordingly (gallon of water beside me, went for a walk, cut back on the ramen meals, but I'm definitely going to visit the doc in the morning. It'll be an excuse to get out of the house.

Daddy Dearest's has decided that if a "gift" is not used in the manner of his choosing and in the time frame of his choosing, he has the right to demand it back. The "gift" was an air mattress that he has demanded I replace my proper mattress with because he's convinced I'm the source of all his bed bug related troubles. I have no desire to replace a rather expensive, good quality mattress because my dad wants to feel like he's large and in charge over something and has decided that my life is an appropriate thing to try and control.

I'd rather not part with the air mattress as it can be useful to me, but my dad has no problem cornering people and causing a scene if it gets him what he wants and he has an excuse to be in town as he's passing through ferrying my mom to a cancer appointment. I want to visit the doc myself for the swollen feet situation, so I might just head there when he has the best chance of "visiting."

You know what, I might just hand it over anyway. Leave it outside by my door for him. While I would like to keep the air mattress, it ain't worth dealing with a now 71 year old man throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way. He might throw his tantrum anyway as this is a man who has a pathological need to air his petty grievances, whether you want to hear it or not. I stopped listening a long time ago, but he's the type to repeat himself, over and over again and louder and louder, until you pay attention to him.

Better to just let him have the @#$& mattress and not be home while he claims it.

Geez, this sounds like me dealing with my mother. Yes, sometimes it's easier to give in and if it saves you the aggravation why not?

Tonight I was thinking of material things that were stolen from me when I was young - small things like a sweatshirt, a backpack and a pencil case full of sketching pencils. Yet because I had so little money these small things were huge. That sweatshirt was the nicest I ever owned - a quality they don't make anymore, with the logo from my university embroidered onto it. Years later I tried to find another like it but couldn't.


I don't know why it bothers me that these things were stolen from me. Perhaps because I found several expensive items and returned them all. But of course the world is neither fair nor just.


Maybe these small things became a metaphor for other things that were taken from me at a young age. My innocence. My confidence. My self-worth.

@Samicat I think you're being very insightful about the things you lost, both physically and mentally in your youth. You should give yourself some credit for that.

Last night I took 150mg of Seroquel for the first time. I still woke up during the night but I was able to get back to sleep, and I woke up at 5:30am, so I got about 7 hours of sleep.

I'm feeling a hangover effect though which is both good and not-so-good. It's good because the effect is keeping my anxiety in check which is nice. The not-so-good part is the hangover itself - I'm feeling very much slowed down. I hope this improves as the day goes on.

I have a ketamine clinic assessment today... finally! I've been patiently waiting for this for over a year.