How has the course of your illness varied over the years?

Were there different characteristics of it in your childhood/teens, versus other times in your life?

I was a troubled child. Eating disorder very young. Turned to drinking, drugs and self harm as a young teenage, bulimia and sex as an older teen. Still no meds or therapy. Then I met my husband at 17 and we planned to have our child. I went into a psychotic depression for almost a year. I wasn't allowed alone with my son, still couldn't get help. Moved and tried to get help for the eating disorder and was not underweight enough. Finally by the time I was 20 the Dr listened. He put me on an ad. I became in raged he said to stop the med but nothing else. I saw a different Dr and he dx bipolar. Put me on meds and sent me to a really bad psychiatrist. I saw her for years and nothing helped. So for 3 years I gave up. Then I got paranoid and went to a therapist for advocacy to keep me out of the hospital. They convinced me to see a psychiatrist again but I wouldn't try aps. That helped but not as much as it could. Then I had psychosis on a family trip which I ruined and decided to give APs a try. I was more stable but they didn't have the right dx. Once they had the right dx. I was on a slew of meds to keep me as stable as possible. I didn't have the words to explain what I was feeling/thinking. Then I ran out of meds. Went to an urgent care and asked for help sleeping. I went from 4 meds to 2. I'm stable now but in a lower more mellow point than I'd like. Currently I'm not in an active eating disorder, self harming or anything like that but I have no motivation and lay in bed scrolling on my phone.

My illness did not surface until I was a freshmen in college. There were precursors in HS, but they didn’t rise to a level of note until years later. As a freshman I was deeply despondent and left my group one night looking for a bridge I could jump off of. Was standing on a bridge but hesitating because I couldn’t see if it was deep enough. A police officer grabbed me off and drove me back to campus. The dorm floor was in an uproar since i disappeared. I was sent to the campus counseling center were I was told, well basically, to think happy thought and things would be fine. That scared me straight for a number of years where I preformed “as if” and wore a mask. I married and my husband was a psychopath ( diagnosed during our divorce) . That was the can opener that ripped me open, the point of no return as far as stress.

Starting then I was diagnosed with PTSD and major depression and put on meds. The ADs and benzos lead to depersonalization and dissociation and multiple other diagnoses that were med induced. I spent years in and out of hospitals and being committed. I finally said enough and quit all meds only had one psychologist. She noted the mania and depression and ptsd but I won’t go back on meds. Life was crazy but it was better of meds. Then I read how ads were not for bipolar and gave meds a chance again. The ptsd was treated by the excellent therapist and the bipolar has been in remission for 8 years. It’s been a hell of a ride.

I had a pretty traumatic childhood and adolescent years. We all know that there is a correlation between trauma and mental illness, but it's important to note that isn't always the case! However, in my case, I think it really did exacerbate the symptoms-- making the highs being misjudged as just "not being in a traumatic moment" and the lows being just the grind of a chaotic life. It took me a long time to even recognize I swung up an down. I remember a friend once saying to me "You're emotions are like a rollercoaster -- it's like a switch flips". Granted I have other illnesses beyond Bipolar, but the staples symptoms are there, and were prominent to people around me even if I didn't see it. I started getting help through meds and therapy at the age of 23, and I am now 32. Over the course of my illness learning all I could about it, and applying it to myself-- knowing my triggers, my go-to helps , formulating a support team etc. became a saving grace on more than one occasion. I guess technically I could qualify for Bipolar I because I can think of a time where I was clearly manic (while not psychotic, which isn't a requirement) and it only takes one manic episode to qualify-- but on paper I am Bipolar II.


So the beginning the research and understanding began, in my mid 20s I relied a lot on coping skills, especially watching my wallet and knowing my tendency to act reckless with both money and my body. Now? My biggest change in using routine to solidify a baseline that is consistent.

My symptoms didn't get really bad until after my daughter was born. Something about the stress of being a new mom made me snap.

Thanks so much for these shares!

Miguel'smom and Nammu, it's terrible how long it takes to get properly diagnosed (and adequately helped) sometimes. I think it has improved in recent years. Do you agree? Miguel'smom, I'm glad you feel more stable. Perhaps with a little more time your motivation and energy will rise. It did for me.

Brentus, I also had issues with insight into my ups and downs of my youth. It's amazing how that can be "normalized" in ones brain. When people reacted to my behavior, for a long time I just saw it as unreasonable. It took me a while to really see it for what it was.

raspberrytorte, your experience was similar to my bipolar grandmother's. Her first major episodes were after my youngest uncle's birth. The fact that he had Down's Syndrome was also quite a stressor for her. I also relate to that (stress as trigger), similarly to Brentus.

When looking back, I believe my bipolar illness started when I was quite young. By 14 years old, I was ill enough to go on an anxiety med. By 16, I was so ill that I thought I had schizophrenia. That year was so traumatic. One day at school, I was so in mental agony that I passed out and came to in hysterics. Probably near 50 students were looking down at me on the floor, crying out the most desperate things. After that the school ordered my parents to get me therapy, but it didn't help. A good counselor recommended I go to a particular private school, which my parents agreed to. There I was a bit better, but a bit withdrawn.

My first psychiatrist was at college. He prescribed Prozac when I was in a mixed state. Mistake! As were the many other ADs prescribed by GPs in years following. I would start the AD, then grow hypomanic and stop it. Repeat. Repeat. In my junior year I barely went to classes (or out of bed), getting terrible grades and taking the minimum credits. Long long periods of hypomania and mild mania (elated to anxious/agitated/irritable, to put mildly) were most common for me with depression and anxiety ocasional.

After college, I went to Taiwan (half across the world) to study and work. I grew manic, then severely depressed. My boss took me to the hospital because I stopped going to my job. They gave me piles of meds, surely with an AD. I grew full blown manic, quit (losing money) and left to go to Hong Kong and Thailand by myself, at 24. Slept with a few men I had only just met. Unlike me. I only "switched" after getting pickpocked on the island of Ko Samui. I barely had money to return to Bangkok. Some of that time was a blank. Manic blackout.

Same pattern of GP and ADs after returning to the US until the GP referred me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 32. I had been married to my hubby for five years at that time. I refused meds and the diagnosis, so my illness worsened. My mother's sudden death triggered the worst episode at that point. Six work colleagues went to HR about me. I nearly got fired. Instead, I quit on the spot and drove home planning to crash into a tree. I was out of control. The pdoc who diagnosed me sent me to the psych hospital, which was followed by a six-month IOP. I also detoxed from alcohol, which I abused off and on since my teens. Only brief periods separated 10 subsequent psych hospitalizations (and IOPs) in 3 1/2 years, only about half of which I remember well (bipolar blackouts).
Altogether, I spent a total of nearly two years in IOPs and inpatient combined. Most times I was manic with mixed features and psychotic.

After the above, I started on SSDI. The early years on it were still quite bad, but my pdoc kept me out of the hospital, even after a manic psychosis caused six police officers to arrive at my house, thinking there was a murder.

As time passed, I was better stabilized, yet half of the time (years) low level hypomanic then medium level depressed (a few years), barely getting out of bed or doing anything.

But I did gradually improve. The turning point was a good med mix, a good therapist, and an ability to benefit from CBT. Low stress lifestyle was also crucial, as stress was always a factor in my episodes.

Years back, I wouldn't have dreamed of being able to move to Europe to start a new life. It's been three years here in Czech Republic. I've had only brief and mostly mild episodes. I do have some hurdles, but it's OK. I'm optimistic enough about the future.

Yeah. I had my first major episode of depression/anxiety in my mid twenties, but it wasn't until I was in my thirties and my daughter was born that things got really bad. Mania. Psychosis. Numerous overdoses. Many hospital stays, including a month long stay in the state mental hospital.

Now I'm on SSDI and things have calmed down though . I haven't had an overdose in years. I've been in the hospital because of psychotic episodes, but the current meds I'm on have made me mostly stable.

(Except for right now because I'm teetering on hypomania, but it's not bad.)

Anxiety started at age 7 or so. By 14-15 I was severally depressed and self harming. At 17 after running away from am abusive home the complex ptsd stuff started to get me. By then everything was out of control
And I had my first 72 hour hold at age 18.

Age 20 I was finally diagnosed with bp and meds started helping my mood swings. My first psychotic experience was in 2017 at age 30. They didn’t catch my bp mania symptoms til
I was an adult.

From there I’ve had multiple attempts and hospitalizations as I’ve been very unwell and had a lot of dangerous psychosis.

Currently I’ve been out of ip and free from self harm for
Three years. I just graduated college and start my masters in the fall!

Stability is possible though for a long time I didn’t believe that!!!

I always was a very anxious child with insomnia from as early as I remember. I grew up in a household with physical and verbal abuse and I had sexual abuse from an uncle. I was depressed in high school, but doing well - overachieving, class valedictorian, perfectionist. In college, I continued to overachieve grade-wise (all A's, just 1 B in microbiology, better grades than most pre-med and pre-vet students in my major). In college, I started a long journey with eating disorders, mostly anorexia and extreme overexercise. I never was hospitalized though should have been and I was diagnosed with major depression and put on a slew of anti-depressionts. Hospitalized twice, and it took over 10 years to get a diagnosis of bipolar though if they had asked the right questions (overspending, casual sex, hopping on a plane to Canada to have sex with a guy I met on the internet) I could have be diagnosed bipolar in the beginning.

I had another hospitalization in grad school, never could hold down a job. I tried research, teaching, just always quit within a month. Pdoc finally determined a job was not compatible with my illness as it drove me to mania and rashness and I couldn't cope with the stress.

I had my daughter and it was after her birth I was first diagnosed with postpartum depression though I got copies of those medical records and the pdoc was questioning bipolar at day one. One of the work situations caused me to become manic and she saw me during the episode changing my diagnosis.

Over the years, the mania I have seems like it's worse. I had a huge psychotic episode last November triggered perhaps in part by a meds tweak. I don't know. The lithium keeps me a bit better with money, but lately, I have had the worst round of depression I should have gone into the hospital. I'm stabilized somewhat now after being put on Vraylar but that is causing me some insomnia and Zyprexa weight gain. My pdoc no longer causally tinkers with my meds since having that psychotic episode I hardly remember.

I guess the main thing that has changed is that hubby is no longer casually dismissive of my meds. He used to act like he doubted I needed them, but after the lithium helped the finances and after that extreme psychotic episode, he is much more supportive of my seeing the pdoc and taking meds. Having his support has helped me tremendously.

I was a very anxious child which was very much exacerbated by my home life. Those of you who have seen what I wrote about my father's recent antics may be disheartened to know he has always been that... "charming." This has gone a very welcome 180° where I was introduced to a coping mechanism that, for the most part, has nipped my anxiety in the bud.

I'm convinced I had my first manic episode at 18. In short: I bought a house. I bought it without really thinking. All I remember was the euphoria of having my house. A house I didn't need. A house that became a financial drain. A house that has been (and still is) an impediment on me getting on with my @#$& life. Luckily, some financial maneuvering I did means I own my place free and clear. Upkeep and property taxes...

When I was in college, I had, in retrospect, noticable shift in energy levels and mood. There were many times I had trouble dragging myself out of bed and about as many days showing up to class in my pajamas. In a bit of ironic foreshadowing, I called the upticks "going manic," without really realizing what that means. This unstable dynamic continued until my first IP experience at 22 for depressive symptoms. There, the doc gave me an antidepressant that turned me from 0 to 180 in a day. I was loving the mood change given the previous few months, but the docs on the ward didn't seem too concerned about the obvious hypomania right in front of them!

It took two more years to get an official diagnosis of bipolar disorder from the PsychNP I still see today. I lucked out there! Where I didn't luck out was meds. We did the not unfamiliar experimentation with various meds, med combos and other treatments for about five to six years. Nothing had a lasting effect until we lucked out on a combo that worked! Sadly, that five to six year window meant I basically rampaged through my twenties in thrall to the illness, causing issues with finishing college, keeping employment and having enough finances to get by.

Today, I'm currently on a combination of lithium and lamotrigine that has kept me stable for the past three years. I'm currently 33 and I'm stuck picking up the pieces of my "roaring twenties." It sucks, but I at least have a measure of stability to build from.

Thanks for asking the question, Soupe!

Looking back I have been depressed since I was a kid when my father started to physically abuse me.

In my teens I experienced highs and lows but didn't recognize them as such at that time (this was in the 1980s).

I had my first full blown panic attack in my mid 30s and things went downhill from there. I kept experiencing lower and lower lows with rare periods of being up.

I was diagnosed in my 40s after I went full blown manic after taking an antidepressant.

I continued to rapid cycle but the dominant mood was depressed but I did flip into hypomania for several days, sometimes several hours, at a time.

For the past 7 years I have been severely depressed. I'm currently in an IOP program getting treatment for it.

So it has changed but the dominant mood has been depressed.

I was non verbal until I was 4. Today I would have easily been diagnosed with autism but I didn't get a diagnosis until I was 15. I had a lot of anxiety and behavior issues in school which the teachers just swept under the rug. In 7th grade it got to be too much and I went into therapy where I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I ended up IP in spring 2006. During my teenage years I spent them in hospitals and treatment centers. But I really only spent 2006 and 2007 in and out of the hospital. Since December 2007 I've only gone IP 3 times the last being March 2015.

Since 2011 I've been pretty stable. Especially after my last hospitalization and I got legit therapy help. When I got off medicaid I had a ton more options for health and mental health care. Losing a lot of weight changed my selt esteem and I started working.

Then I came out as trans in november 2019 and I fully felt like me. I was fully supported by my entire family and extended family. I started HRT just as the lockdown started. It was really tough dealing with Covid, and I had no idea what was going on with me emotionally or physically. All I had to talk to about things was my doctor who I saw every 3 months and my therapist who I saw once a week through zoom. My hormones were so out of whack and since she was the only one around I developed feelings for her. And thats when the transference started.

In October 2020 I got my top surgery. To be able to feel my chest even now still brings me a lot of happiness. But recovery was tough and I got into a deep post op depression and I landed in IOP December 2020- Jan 2021

After that I knew I needed to end things with my transference T. So I did. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Luckily I made it through after thinking I'd never get over her.

Now 2 years later after I moved to a new state, and I had my hysterectomy my mental health is pretty stable but my physical health is becoming an issue

I guess I traded one for the other?

@Scooter9, I also had no insight into my highs in my youth. I think it's a shame that many people around those of us with bipolar disorder don't recognize it correctly when we're young, including some psychiatrists and therapists. I hope your depression lifts soon.

@Mountaindewed, my nephews were diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders far too late, too. My youngest nephew's depressions were also not taken seriously enough, at many stages. Having multiple unique struggles sure seems hard. I'm glad you do now have treatment for your bipolar disorder and have been able to finally make your transition to look and feel more your real you. I hope your physical maladies can be at least eased, or preferably resolved soon.

I think things have changed a lot in the years, Soupe, in terms of how healthcare providers identify and treat mental illness.

In the 1980s, when I was a teen, mental health just wasn't something people talked about so it's no surprise that the depression I was experiencing wasn't diagnosed.

Young people now have a greater awareness and acceptance of mental health issues. In addition, healthcare providers as well as other professionals like social workers are more aware of mental health overall and are more likely to recognize symptoms much earlier than they used to.

I'm also glad that there are forums like this where we can all get together and feel not so alone. It's nice to be among people that understand what it's like.