[cthlyte]

Hey,

I have been dealing with bi-polar, or variations of, for 12 years. It has been hell on earth.

My parents didn't know how to deal with me when I was younger and I had no idea what was going on which made it impossible for me to help them help me. Over the years my symptoms of mania and depression got worse, till I was having 2 or 3 episodes a month. I was treated for depression with various anti-depressants, without much success. It wasn't till I was in my late teens that a diagnosis of bi-polar was brought to the fore-front. However I was so far gone, keeping up with my meds or dealing with the disorder was very difficult.

I was very lethargic, inattentive, and unmotivated. This caused UNENDING battles with my parents and siblings which aggravated my symptoms into faster rapid cycling. I finally got set up on a three drugs that kept my mood at a manageable level, but far from fixed.

Right now I have been kicked out of the house, brought back in when I lost my job and now I'm on the verge of getting kicked out again. I am so tired of trying to get my parents to understand where I am at, that I accept getting yelled at, being called disrespectful, lazy, untrustworthy and unmotivated as the norm. Everyday, I am afraid of my mood, my actions, and my emotional reactions are going to put me out on my ***. Its getting worse again and my parents discouraging remarks keep putting me back in the dumps. I do want to mention that I DO NOT use my disorder as a crutch! I recognize certain emotions and actions are products of it, but I am ultimately responsible for my actions. I do everything I can to keep myself in check, but its not always possible and I fall apart at the slightest thing.

To their part, my mom is dealing with rheumatoid arthritis, bad knees, neck surgery, diabetes, flat feet and she is only 56. My dad is dealing with his own set of medical issues and my older brother is disabled mentally and physically due to a brain tumor and more recent stroke. They have their hands full dealing with him and their issues. I shouldn't/can't blame them, I am a full time head case and I have had to learn to deal with my disorder or... well, a less pleasant alternative.

I am 25, no relationships, very few friends (none of which know about my bi-polar), and am sitting spinning my wheels because my emotional state is unstable. Decisions are getting harder, every new change is messing with me, and my stress level is through the roof. Even my stress relievers (gaming, working on my car) are not working anymore.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore and I don't know if I can. I can't ask my parents, because they have run out of patience trying to deal with my issues, nobody else knows about this and I have no one to turn to. If I could just get my parents to understand my situation, to be more sympathetic, or just get some meaningful encouragement not couched in advice, I might be able to get through this. But I am tired of trying and their opinion of who I am and their distrust will more than likely kill off any attempt.

I can't help being who I am, what I am, but everyday, every minute, I wish I was somebody else.

An off-switch sounds very appealing right now.

[kaliope]

hi cthlyte
I understand living with bipolar can be hell. I lived it for 30 years. then I finally found meds. it took nearly 3 years to find the right mix of meds but now I am symptom free and leading a successful life. I wonder how different life could have been if I have got on meds when I was young. I know it is a pain in the *** to go the medication route, but after trying everything else, and I tried everything, it is the only thing that worked. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[vjdragonfly]

I'm sorry you are going through this cthlyte I know the feeling of going through this alone. Sometimes it is just as hard for loved ones as it is on us. My family just rather sweep it under the carpet but, not so much as not caring as not knowing what to do to help us through. I know how it is to suffer silently. You can make it through this, but sometimes we have to ask for help and hope someone hears. This is a great community to learn from and get support. Psych Central has got me through some tough times. Keep posting

[notALICE]

Welcome cythyte. It's true, like kaliope said, it can be h*ll but there are forums like this, NAMI, support groups, therapy, meds, exercise...

None are perfect but all have helped - when I am willing to be involved or stick with it. And like my bipolar, that goes in cycles too.

I guess what I wanted to say is you are not alone, even if you feel like you are.

Lord please forgive me for this. My inner Robin Williams can't resist. Usually you deal to the left.

I'm trying for a chuckle at least. Please don't get mad or upset. Call me anything you want, as I once almost got married to someone who did, including words not invented yet.

Or, as I got hollered at, and I mean fireballs in the eyes hollered at more times than I used the bathroom while growing up, why don't I just shut up?

[cthlyte]

Well, it's been 9 years and I'm still here.

Moved out of that house a short while after. Got another job and worked my way up in the company, worked out my relationship with my parents, had a couple of short relationships that didn't work out, lost a ton of weight, gained it all back.

But probably one of the best things I did was get off the medication I had been on for 10 years. At one time I needed them, but after a while they became the problem I was trying to solve with them. After a year of titration I no longer take anything stronger than an ibuprofen.

I'm not recommending you to get off your meds, but rather evaluate your need for them. To my point, my doctor prescribed me such a high dosage for one medication, it was literally causing the depression and mood swings it was supposed to help with.

Any case, I thought I drop by and say I made it through, and to say I appreciate your comments all those years ago.

[Nammu]

Glad to hear things improved. Yeah antidepressants aren’t good for bipolar disorder. I went years without any meds but symptoms were there. Finally found a pdoc who listened. I was on one ap. For years. Been stable now for going on 7 years.

Wishing you the best.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm glad you dropped by. Regardless of my view that medications are important for me, I can't help but still be glad for you that positives have happened, even off them.

I would like to add that therapy is important and groups like NAMI and DBSA allow people the support of peers, so they don't feel alone with a mental illness. This was the suggestion I had based on your initial post. Joining such groups does not mean you must be on medications, as long as one does not go with the singular aim at discouraging them, which I read that you do not.

I hope your family members are also doing at least a bit better.