Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

Oh! I was going to ask.

What kind of music do you play? What's your favorite band?

I'm gonna tell my case manager tomorrow I want to sign up for the eating disorder center. I just kinda assumed they'd put me in PHP because I don't think I'm bad enough for IP or resi and IOP seems like a step down thing.
I tlk to my pdoc tomorrrow so if I tell her I'm all out of ativan i have a feeling she's not going to prescribe anymre of it
no one ever said i was good at good/safe ideas
when I play keys solo I usually transpose 90's alt rock songs to sound more jazzy or bluesy depending on the song. My band was supposed to be punk. My favorite band right now is probably the bluestones They're pretty new, but they be a rockin

That's cool. You play guitar?

Yeah. DON'T tell your pdoc you're out of Ativan! I used to abuse the shyt out of Xanax when I was on it, like twenty years ago, and one time I accidentally dumped the entire full bottle of it in the sink and none could be salvaged and I was addicted and flucked for the month and I called, was red flagged, and my Xanax dose was cut in half. So I started buying klonopin from a friend of mine to make up for it. NOT an ideal scenario! I was horribly addicted.

Anyway, my point is DON'T tell your pdoc you're out. You'll no longer be getting an Ativan RX. I guarantee it.

I don't want an ativan Rx. It's like giving an alcoholic a season pass to the bar

I play keyboard, guitar, and a bit of the harmonica

I hope the eating disorder centre helps you, muddy

Oh okay. Well, if you're just going to abuse it I guess don't get anymore of it.

My husband is also a musician. He plays guitar and bass. Mostly death metal. He isn't currently in a band though.

When I see my case manager today, as long as I don't back out last minute, I'm telling her I want to go to the eating disorder center. I think 70% of my problems could be solved by eating and sleeping and the other 30 with a stable environment.

Ugh I just want 4 o clock to come here so I can say bring on the PHP and stop trying to convince myself out of it.
"You don't want to lose me." "You don't want to gain weight." "You want to eat however the fk we want you to eat." "You're not sick enough to get a higher level of treatment." "You seriously think you can recover? Think again. Without me you'd probably be back on the streets doing meth and fentanyl every day." "What control will you have without me?" "If you do this treatment, everyone's going to think nothing of you other than your eating disorder, and they're going to watch what you eat and you after you eat like a hawk." "What about those compliments you got a few weeks ago about losing weight? Didn't that feel good?" "What if this is all a plot to get you to eat more foods, so it'll be easier to poison you?" "Even if you could recover, you wouldn't deserve it. You SHOULD live with falling every day, constant dizziness, severe anxiety every time you see a number or go in the kitchen or have to go grocery shopping, shyt teeth, a fked digestive system, and everything else that goes with being my slave." -With love, That little guy controlling every thought in your head

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I don't think I'm going to do it. I looked at the schedule, and you eat 3 times in those 6 hours. "Breakfast" is at 8:45. I wake up at 11pm. No fking way am I doing that. Nope. Nope. Nope.

you can do this. It's scary and unfair but you can. That part of your brain is just scared. You don't have to accept shittiness. I know eating is scary and the stress is real. Hell I don't even go into stores for food it's to stressful I do delivery. It does get better not perfect but better. My ED fuels my psychosis and my psychosis fuels my ED. So if they're not both under control I'm a mess. Just keep telling yourself you deserve to be happy, healthy and safe. Until your appointment. Because you do no but x, no yeah if you knew me you wouldn't say that. It's almost 2 hang on. You can do this.

I ****ING HATE MYSELF!
She (CW) didn't bring the eating disorder center up, and I didn't have the ****ing balls to ask her. Ugh! I AM SO PISSED AT MYSELF. She just kept going on and on about how when I get into sober living I'll probably be so much better, and it kept making me think I don't need any treatment.
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wtf? I don't remember her coming over...

Can you ask your psych tomorrow?

I am not asking my pdoc to go to PHP. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not going to help, and even if it did, I wouldn't ****ing want it. Honestly I don't even know if I'm going to pick up the phone when she calls because she really fked me up last appointment.

I told her about something really upsetting. And she asked why it was upsetting.

Nah. I'm not mixed. I'm just plain ole depressed. I'm "motivated to punish myself in everyway known to man including excessive exercise and impulsive SH" depressed, but depressed nonetheless. I think I'm my baseline impulsivity.


What would happen if I didn't answer my pdoc's phone call today when yesterday I told my CW (who will relay this to her) that I've been SHing daily and not all of it is superficial and I haven't been eating every day and I haven't been sleeping every night and last time I talked to pdoc I was severely depressed and checked off "Every day or nearly every day" for "Thoughts of hurting myself or that I'd be better off dead" on those survey things and I don't really remember most of the appointment other than she didn't understand why r**e would be upsetting to a person.
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I spent over 2 hours in total trying to reach someone on a crisis line over the past couple days (either my ACT team on call line or the NH "Rapid Response" line) only to get "well, we can send someone out to evaluate you further within 48 hours." No, fk that. I'm not letting some random person into my home to "evaluate me" sometime in 2 days when I talk to my pdoc in 7 hours.
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This is really fking scary. I lost like just a few minutes and I was fking texting my dad. My probably psychopathic (as in doesn't give a shyt about the law or the right thing to do or anything like that, impulsive as ****, only emotion ever expressed is anger, has no regard for his or anybody else's safety, arrogant bastard **** I'm kinda explaining myself a bit here) ,dad. I sent "I got the poison if you got the flower". well, that's a good sign

I "woke up" without my phone in a different town on a dirt road wondering where tf I was and this hunter came up to me and I was shitting bricks but he told me how to get back to the river I live by so it was ok.

and then I went to the liquor store and yes I have been drinking and you can blame my pdoc for that for calliing me in two hours
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oh my case manager called me too after rapid response called them. I don't remember this (I really don't remember talking to them at all honestly but I did reread a post and I kinda reember them saying something about an evaluation) but apparently i told them I took like two weeks worth of ativan in two days and my case manager was all on my case about that I know that's not a joking matter but what the fuk everthing its a joking matter because who the F**K cares. I don't right now and nothing's been better but I know they'll just saying I'm punishing myself more because ill feel like shyt in a bit.

……….

I know Im stupid. It's just I can't make a Cm7 but I can make love to the bottom of a bottle and I had to pick up meds anyways so its their fault for making me go out

Muddyboots I'm so sorry.

MuddBoots, I'm sorry that happened to you. That must have been very scary. I'm happy you found your way home.

Alcohol sucks. It just makes you feel like shyt. I used to be a heavy drinker. I abused alcohol in my late twenties. It got so bad I would take shots of vodka right away when I woke up in the morning. I would go to work drunk. I got an OWI. It was very bad, and I always felt like shyt. My life was a mess. Quitting drinking was one of the best choices I've ever made.

Anyway, my point is, you don't want to go to the liquor store. Nah. You don't need that stuff. It sucks.

too late I alreadyc an barely stand.

I just talked to my pdoc and she's putting me on med management. Taking away all my meds and just giving me once a day. Starting effexor if I recall correctly. She wants me to say "yes" to the in person evaluation next time I call the crisis line.

i'm so sorry muddy, please know you don't ever deserve to get hurt