Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

Not sure. I have an intake meeting on Friday. SW at the hospital said it was 1-2 weeks (but maybe that was for residential? which my insurance won't cover) but my CW said yesterday it was 5-7 weeks. But yeah, they said I was way too sick for PHP so there goes that plan.

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I just created a FB account recently to get in touch with some old people (including some estranged family like my sister and aunts) and advertise for the band that never was but maybe some day will be, but I hadn't blocked all my exes yet. One of them (one I claimed was S**ually abusive but he really wasn't that bad and we had a lot of good times) sent me a message while away that was so freaking sweet and said he wanted to reconnect. I'm tempted but I know what a bad state he put me in but maybe this time will be different.

Dude. I am fked in the head. Like, "one day out of IP and am drunk" fked. Like, "b/p'd twice already" fked. "Saving my PRNs and saying I took them in case I decide to OD" fked.

Are you b drinking vodka?

I always used to drink vodka. Straight.

Oh... and how do you have any prns?

I thought your meds were being monitored.

I normally drink vodka but I switched it up and got some Dr. McGillicuddy's. They give me one PRN Klonopin for the day and one PRN Belsomra for the night.

Oh I see (about the prns). Maybe you should consider not stockpiling them? It's not a very good idea. It's sorta dangerous. Especially if you're drinking.

Yeah. I just took them all last night so I didn't have a stockpile of Klonopin anymore (No ETOH at the time)

Happy to hear you no longer have a stash.

I had my intake appointment for the disordered eating IP this morning. I don't think I'll get in because they seem to only take people who are legitimately sick and because of all the treatment I got during the IEA I'm medically stable (says the person who just woke up after passing out after purging). Too sick for PHP, not sick enough for IP, insurance doesn't cover residential I want to sleep through therapy today. I gotta go obviously but I'm just so fking tired and I figured out I can sleep well under the bed if I have a knife, pepper spray, and a crow bar with me so I've been doing that a lot lately.

Are they TRYING to make me STUPID?????

I've been on benzos for years despite opiate use, alcohol use, and a HISTORY OF ABUSING BENZOS. They put me on Dope-amax. They're constantly putting me in stressful situations where I can feel synapses blowing up nerve endings.

I used to be stupidly smart now I have astigmatism and can't drive at night because some ASSHATS designed the roads and the cars (I know we need lights. Even if we just lit everything on fire I'd still see the blurry lines).

Everyone on my treatment team has called me a smartass at some point or another. I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass so I think I'm going to pretend I'm drinking every day so they stop prescribing Klonopin (maybe even put me back on Naltrexone which I have a genuine interest in now as I have been drinking the past three days and I do NOT want to continue being the same as my psychopathic drunken addicted sperm force-uponer. Yeah. My mom didn't want me. She was on BC when she got pregnant with me).

I have astigmatism (in both eyes) too and also can't drive at night. Boohoo!

It is strange they keep on prescribing you benzos when you have a history of abusing them. Can you ask them to stop? If topamax is turning you into a moron can you ask to be put on something else? I'm under a commitment right now (have been for the past eight years!) and have to take what they prescribe me, but my pdoc still works with me and doesn't make me take things I don't want to take... (well... not really anyway).

I abuse seroquel and have told my pdoc but he keeps on prescribing me it anyway. It's kind of frustrating. But I don't know. I don't think I'm ready to give it up anyway. I REALLY won't be able to sleep, and it helps my anxiety so much!!!

Are you sure your mom didn't want you?

Just because you were a surprise doesn't mean she regrets having you or anything. If she really didn't want you she would have gotten an abortion or something.

Also, why are you sleeping under your bed with weapons?!

My mom sure always acted like she regretted having a kid, especially one that ended up "triggering" her by having cluster B traits, like her dad that traumatized her.

Sleeping under S's bed with weapons because I feel safer that way. A couple nights ago I heard a bunch of stuff around the window and my first reaction was to grab the crowbar, turn the lights on, look around, yell "I got a crowbar and I ain't afraid of getting shot," and then grab all that shyt and hide under the bed. Fell asleep within an hour.

Oh okay. I see. Well, I'm happy it's helping you sleep. Whatever it takes.

I hope you'll be okay, muddy

So I went to a party last night and now I’m the only one up. Totally me lol. I must say driving through cities at night with astigmatism after being forced to take Klonopin was probably worse than driving drunk on empty backroads at 3am for a few miles. I feel like I should eat all the leftover pizza haha but there’s like two left.

I am glad you had fun at the party.

Please don’t drive when impaired after taking klonopin. Astigmatism in a ok to drive with but you likely need to wear glasses. Is your vision blurry?

It’s blurry and the lights really fk me up. I don’t really have a choice whether or not I take the kpin and last night the med management lady showed up at 4pm and made me take it and just said “be safe” I’m just lucky she showed up early and didn’t make me take the Belsomra before leaving now that wouldn’t have worked at all.

I’m just gonna spend all day sleeping in this girls bed on and off because so far I’ve had 9 hours whereas at S’s I sleep like a broken 3 every night.

And yes, I did eat all the leftover pizza lmao

Cool. Because yesterday was a holiday and the pharmacy was closed they're not giving me my morning meds today. At least not until like 10am if they do come by this morning. Which is 5 hours after I normally take them.

It was fine to drop off today's PRNs though. The three fluphenazine I never use and the Klonopin I have a tendency to not take for three days and then take all at once.

I am really not in a good spot right now. I'm not allowed to see MY dying cat, my dad's probably going to OD within the coming days, since I got out of IP I've been binging like crazy and I can't even purge anymore because there's so much blood I'm kinda scared I'll pass out and S will find me and call 911 so I've gained like 10lbs over the past week which is making me LOATHE myself even more, and I still haven't gotten my morning meds.

Sure, when I take my meds at 5pm one day and 5:30pm the next it's my fault I'm "inconsistent" with my meds (per ACT oncall), but it's fine when one day they monitor me taking them at 4pm one day and 7:30pm the next. Fk it, I'm just going to get some winter camping shyt off Craigslist or something and avoid the "treatment team" at all costs. No one will know where I am. Instead of Christopher Knight, I'll be Flaming Boots ('cuz y'all know I'll be stealing propane tanks & shyt in proper fashion). I would rather die of hypothermia or being attacked by a coyote than be forced into this stupid fking society that I obviously do not belong in and can't handle.

i'm so sorry, muddy, you honestly dont deserve any of what's happening bad in your life

My mom let me back in when I begged her to see Lu and she was concerned about my weight loss and impressed that I wasn't on anything (I was sober and did not tell her I've been drinking pretty much since the New Year), so, here I am. Lu died Thursday. So I watched that all day knowing my mom would be pissed if I brought Lu to the vet without her and she wouldn't answer any of myy calls or texts. It was either a progressing stroke or a brain tumor, and I guess she probably had acute on chronic kidney failure too. No chance at saving her. She lived a good 20 years. Everyone called her a bytch but I loved her despite (maybe because of) her aloofness and I think she loved me too.

I'm going to stay for the other cats. Pemi's been awfully clingy and Saco seems depressed (Lu was his hot lantina cougar). Bo-Lu's brother- is acting like he's next. When he goes I'm going to ask if I can take Pemi and Saco with me wherever I go, not back to S's unless we can figure out a way to get our music out there (soundcloud?)

Heard back from the eating disorder inpatient and I "do not meet criteria." I guess you have to have already died to get in or something So, yeah, too sick for PHP, not sick enough for inpatient, insurance won't cover residential...no treatment for me I guess. Pretty sure my potassium's low again becasue for the life of me I can't play guitar again due to muscle issues, am twitching like crazy, and my legs are starting to get so weak they give out again and I'm tired all the time again.



Tried to moderate my drinking. Managed to make a fifth of vodka last two days. Not really moderation so I'm doing the sobriety thing again.

Idk if anyone even reads this at this point, but I think y'all are the reason I'm still here. I've always thought of responses as just ingenuine text, but I think I know if no one here cared no one would read/respond/hug. Might be wrong about that, but if you made it this far I do appreciate you and I care about and am astonished by everyone on this board that deals with mental illness. We're all badasses living when "manic depression's a frustrating mess."

Peace my friends

I'm sorry to hear about your cat, muddy. Ours passed away a couple of months ago. She was also 20 years old. It's so hard losing a pet.

Sucks about the ED clinic. I wish there was a way I could help.

I'm happy you didn't go through with your attempt. If your potassium is low again do you think you need to go to urgent care or the ER? Are there potassium supplements you can take? After my last attempt my potassium was low and they gave me a horse sized potassium pill to take. Only reason why I'm curious.

I wish you'd stop purging.

I'm so sorry about your cat, muddy, 20 is a good age, she did well

I hate when people put words in my mouth or make ridiculous assumptions. Been happening a lot lately even on here. Maybe I'm talking tooo much? Switching between topics too quickly? Or maybe people are just dumbasses?

I think I'm going to take another break from the world. Spend my days with music, writing, yoga, and sleeping. Not leave the house. Hide from my mom. Skip my appointments.