Muddyboots's Miscellaneouses

I feel like I'm spamming the check-in threads again so here we go again because journaling just isn't enough.
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So my case manager just called because she was in and my therapist had told her how on Friday I was on the phone with her just crying for 40 minutes and then hanging up so she was a little concerned. She asked about the eating disorder treatment center and I said I didn't want to drive, and she said we would discuss more in-person tomorrow after pdoc appt. I have so much flipping anxiety over my pdoc appointment tomorrow; it'll be my first time seeing her in-person since I freaked out in her office and did some things. Now I have to admit I did more things When will I stop doing things lol? Anyways, my CW said if I got accepted into this sober living place they would hook me up with some nearby EDC.

I also looked up the place my therapist suggested that I said was too long of a drive, and, as it turns out, they have virtual, so now I don't have an excuse. The PHP is super intensive there are like 10 groups including having to eat an approved meal on camera with staff watching at a dining table in a group zoom chat which sounds awful.

so I hope I get accepted into this NH sober living place so I get to do in-person stuff because there is no way I am spending 6 consecutive hours in the middle of the day on the computer without getting up every five minutes or listening to music.

Anyway, I'm actually glad to be depressed (does that mean I'm not really depressed?) because I'm not manic/mixed anymore. Although it does actually suck. But it's better than the past 7 months. Stability? Pshh, overrated. Bring. On. The. Madness. (gonna write a song titled that and it's going to switch key signatures at least 4 times)

Is two notes for your pdoc/CW too much if they're both a page each (one typed, one written)? I anxiously prepped :P. One's what the "ED voice" says while/after I eat and the other I typed up about what's going on right now because and my thoughts/feelings about it and potential treatment because I know I'm not going to be able to verbalize it as well.

And yeah, I already slept. All of maybe 30 minutes if that. That makes ~10 hours over the past 6 nights. My vision is super blurry. My joints hurt like mad. I kept falling yesterday; I don't even know how to count how many times, then my muscles kept tensing up. I've noticed my right leg has been feeling tingly lately too, which is a little worrisome because that's what happened before it stopped moving when I had foot drop. I had urinary problems around that time too and a nurse said it could be something neurological but a doc said probably not, and this morning I had the same trouble again. I know it's caused by malnutrition and lack of sleep considering I'm eating and sleeping in a week what some people do in a day, but it's still not fun, and I still don't know how to stop it.

My head hurts so much. I can't stop crying. I can't stop complaining here, to S, and in my journal; I'm sorry but this is my thread to b-itch in now lol.

rant and rave away. I will listen. I haven’t any wise words but I can hear you.

Hi Muddy Boots,

I don`t comment a lot in the bipolar threads but I just wanted to say that I am also here to listen, and I can relate to some of the things you are going through. You see I used to self-harm, and I've dealt with eating disorders. I haven`t self-harmed in years and I have not binged and purged or restricted in a long time. I just want you to know that it is possible to get better though I am still dealing with my bipolar disorder and all the things that involves. I just wanted to say I am here to lend an ear whenever you need it. I am so sorry you are going all through this. I hope you are able to sleep better soon.

Thanks, guys.
@VerMOZZica, were you super super ambivalent about recovery because you were afraid of gaining weight, losing your identity, people finding out, losing a coping skill (even if it's a negative one), realizing you're going to start thinking about things other than food, losing control, etcetera etcetera...?
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funny enough I had a coffee and put on some heavy rock and fell asleep for another half hour. I'm going to tell my pdoc that's going to be my new nightly routine
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edit: omg I just tried playing the keys and:
warm-ups: couldn't even get past a D-scale. C-scale and Am doable enough, haha. Not that screwed thankfully.
actual playing: gave up 5 minutes into it when I tried playing a simple E CHORD and played a Am/E (I know not too bad considering, but I should be able to hit sharps) and screwing up every other chord and note in similar fashion.
wtf is wrong with me?
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I wanna use and make everything100x worse........ because that's a great sign. Glad S is hanging around today and taking me to see my pdoc and case worker.

Just dropping by with a for a muddyboots, if you can use one

Honestly, I don't even know what tf happened. All I know it was past midnight and I blacked out and the next minute half a pie was gone, there was a protein bar wrapper and a couple Devils chocolate treat wrappers abound, a bag of a pound of nuts that was mostly full was mostly empty, and like 1/3 of a jar of peanut butter was gone so who tf knows what else I ate... I mean, helped with the pdoc appointment weigh in to gain like 5lbs?

Then this afternoon I talked to my CW and she said I should wait until I feel like I really want to recover to do PHP or IOP. I told her I’m just not ready right now. Feeling too ambivalent. Feel simultaneously out of control but more in control than ever (depending on the moment I guess. Did not feel too in control when I felt like my stomach was about to rupture this AM to the point I couldn’t even bend over to purge but a wee bit came out anyways because I was that full). She said that makes sense.

Told pdoc about all the physical and mental shyt that’s been happening (as if the whole team did not hear about my hysterics on Friday). She said basically extremely low blood sugar and psychotic depression (am I really psychotic? the hell?). We talked about why I feel the need to punish myself and feel so out of control, and boy do I feel like absolute dog turd now, and she wants me to talk more about it in therapy! We did a little bit of meal planning. I agreed to add bananas to my diet, keep up with my safe foods, and have 1-2 instant breakfasts or an Ensure a day. Also increasing the Abilify and trying triple the dose of Belsomra (because fk Zyprexa). That I can do.
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I don't want to explain my trauma in therapy. I don't trust my therapist enough, and I will never trust anyone to really discuss it with. I want to, yeah, but I'm being realistic.

I shouldn't be here invading S's personal space, being a burden, causing trouble, making him bring me places because I can't FLUCKING sleep and can't drive and he would feel guilty if I killed anyone, and I feel sooooo ****ing gross and dirty and vile and nasty and disgusting. I should be on the freaking streets freezing my arse off. He's going to be pissed because he's going to have to pick up my meds because again I slept like one hour.

Can I drink now? Can I use opiates again? Can I get freakin' wasted and pass out for a bit yet? I NEED A ****ING BREAK FROM EXISTENCE!!!

I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't think this is possible.

Why the **** did that ****ing dr have to ask me why I need to punish myself why couldn't she just leave it alone now I can't stop THINKING about how fking sick I am.

I'm okay. I dissociated hardcore, practically boiled myself in the shower and then froze myself, and spent like an hour outside in the snow just kinda pretending I was telling off my doc, and felt a lot better (weighing myself and finding out I lost weight in the past 24 hours helped significantly, too. That was probably the "most helpful" in all honesty).

I ate a banana with an instant breakfast last night and I felt a lot better after, but I obviously did not have enough fruit with my yogurt this morning because I feel like crap again. Going to have an instant breakfast again in an hour and a half though, and I'm going to try to add some granola to my lunch food.
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Why the flying F*** does NOTHING ever work out??? I just called the flipping pharmacy and they're like "doesn't look like there are any med changes," and I'm like "uh, yeah, there were..." and I can't even drive there because I've gotten less than three hours of sleep over the past 3 nights and S doesn't want to take me so I asked my case manager if someone could bring them here and she didn't seem too happy so nobody is happy withh me because I can't ****ing sleep and I can't ****ing eat and I can't ****ing do anythhing ****ing right!

I have literally never cried like this before wtf is going on
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Fk the instant breakfast I'm going to drink water with apple cider vinegar and do like 100 sit ups and as many push ups as I can before I collapse

omfg my case manager just dropped off my meds and they gave me last month's med list, so I have the fking Ativan, ****ING FLUPHENAZINE that I have not taken in like two months, don't have the increased dose of Abilify, and don't have the Belsomra. Like, at all. Not even the 5mg. So I guess I'm going to go another 3 nights before I sleep again... fk me. FK ME.

i DOn't want to deal with another ****ing sleepless night. Ever again. No. Fk that. If I can't sleep tonight I'm taking that fking Ativan. and if I don't sleep I'm taking another. and so on.

Yeah, the pharmacy's ****ing great. Even though I called those ****ers and TOLD THEM I had my meds changed yesterday and they said to "call back in an hour, we'll look into it" and then when I called back they said it would be ready in an hour. Well, **** it. I guess when I see my pdoc next week (yeah, she wanted to see me in a week because apparently I'm that ****ed up right now). I can tell her "yeah, those med changes you made? Don't know how they would've affected me so this appointment's ****ing useless as is the meal plan we came up with and the discussion we had last week made me stay up all night bawling, blacking out, wanting to never eat again and die."

And when my case manager dropped me off she told me she talked to my therapist and relayed whatever the hell excuses I made for not going to PHP and my therapist just goes "Sam's so fking SMART." (not as a compliment if you can't tell the tone)

CHLOE'S NOT DOING OKAY. She's the neighbor's dog (like my best friend rn), and she always says hi to me when I leave. Yesterday she was sleeping which is very unusual for her when she's out, and didn't even notice me. Today she was up, but she just kinda moaned when I walked by. Great. Another thing to cry about.

i'm sorry muddyboots, we all care about you here though

Boots, you know I have eating problems and even now a limited amount of safe food. My ED voice quiets when properly medicated. It's hard and lonely to say goodbye to that voice. I have two "Anna" and " mia". Anna is a ***** who tells me I need to starve, I deserve it... Mia comforts me and convinces me it's okay to eat if I purge. Both are not my friend but they feel like they are. Some days I'd do anything to get them back. I'm at a healthy weight now. It's not control you have its fear and that's okay. I didn't want to get better. Spent years fighting getting better. My selfharm got worse. I even have a scar representing "Anna" because they can't take it away from me. On my phone it still tells me when to eat. I do several small "meals" a day. If I can't I have a premade instant breakfast. I do premade so I can't mess with it. Then I sit and cry. It's okay to be scared,it's okay not to want to recover, it's okay to feel powerful from not eating, it's not okay to die from it. It's not okay that this isn't a choice. And it's not okay this is making you psychotic. think about taking the help. It's not okay they messed up your meds. I'm here for you.

Ya making me cry!!

I feel like if I do a lot of digging and scraping, I manage to gather up about 10% of me that really really wants to take the help. I KNOW I should listen to that 10%, but 10% is pretty weak. That 10% is probaly my damaged liver too haha

S and I got into a wicked intense fight yesterday. I'll spare you the whole story but there were threats (from him, not me), yelling (both), crying (me), and flying food (me). Fk I'm a terrible person.
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I do not feel safe sleeping on the couch of someone who said they were going to knock me out.

And I am 40 minutes past due my instant breakfast... I feel like I don't need it because I ate pretty well yesterday.

S is just as vindictive and grudge holding as I am if not more so. I was trying to do yoga and then chill out for an hour or two before bed, and he knew this, so as the night went on he started cleaning, and getting louder, and louder, and louder.
At one point I was like "screw this I'm sleeping in my car" but it's like 20dF out and he took my keys so I wouldn't murder anyone.
I'm going to engage in the ultimate noisy task, with the bathroom door open.
I cant go a week on three alnighters and 5 hours sum total for the other nights.

os guess who just spent like 30 minutes on the floor some of those totally blacked idk if unconcious or just cdissociated idfc about typos right now mr red line. i should probably see a dr lol but nahh ill either be fine or i wont be

Hi Muddy Boots.

I was ambivalent about giving up self-harm as a coping mechanism, but I ended giving it up because honestly, I was afraid of being committed. But I don`t regret giving it up because I now realize it wasn`t helpful and now I have an arm and leg full of ugly scars.

I`ve been reading and I really wish you could be kinder to yourself. You don`t deserve to suffer like this. You are in my thoughts if that`s okay.

OY oi Oy, I slept 5 broken hours an dyeah that was good ut now I'm benzo drunk

Gonna have to switch therapy to a phone call today (so I can take the rest ) Don't worry they only give me a weeks' wroth at tame for this

I do not remember a single ****ing thing from that phone call. I know we talked about the PHP and she said I might not get into PHP. They have inpatient, residential, and IOP too. I'm not sick enough for IP and don't need residential, so PHP and IOP would be my options. I fell three times day. I wish I could just appear. I feel like everything I do is wrong or backfires in some way. Everyone would be better off without me.

I feel so awful about this seasson. I don't even member talking to her other than a word here and there about the eating disorer center. I don't even know if I'm going

I want to go. I'm sick of crying after every time I eat. I'm sick of hearing "No, you can't eat that fatass." everytime something with more than a certain amount of carlories is there. I'm sick of "yeah, you have a meal plan, but you can do with out...I'll guide you the way in the directly you actually WANT to go in and g et you there quicker." I'm sick of these threads of calories in the air and the water and the sun and dust, and microbisms. I'm sick of getting not just angry, but RAGEFUL, when I see a scale or someone who I think looks like they have it together more than me because as we all know I'm a fking shyt show.

But I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to take up space. I don't want to be a burdgen. I want to fade away into the black. I want one of these falls to be my last. I've binged so much, I synonymize myself with the word "cringe." I don't want to do family threapy with whoever the fk that might be. I don't want to do meal times on cameras at adinner table. with staff watching. I don't want to be pur in the trauma group and have to be told and tell all the shyt that Iv'e been through.

I can't go on like this anymore. But for all I know the otherside of that door, is nothing but a slide going to the depths of Morodor.

I'm really sorry you're suffering like this. I wish i knew the words to comfort you.