Bipolar Check-In #78

I saw my primary care physician for a check-in for the different health things I have going on. She still wonders if it's POTS but I'm not super convinced, especially since my symptoms don't typically get worse when getting out of bed, sitting up quickly, etc. Still plenty of appointments and tests coming my way. I asked her about the use of birth control to help manage bipolar symptoms and, if I decide to, it is something she'd be willing to try with me. It's not my plan yet, but it's good to have in my back pocket just in case. Knock on wood-things seem to have been relatively stable for about a month so, hopefully, this keeps up for a long time!

Completely unrelated, my voice started to go yesterday and it is pretty much completely gone today. A few of my middle school students thought my lack of a voice was hilarious, but several students in their class quickly called them out/came to my defense which was really sweet of them.

Oh Covid is
Rough. This is my second time
Getting it. Much worse this time.

Last night I swear I had to have a fever as I was
Drenched and dripping with sweat!

So I was in a car accident yesterday. I was rear-ended while I was waiting outside a store. I was stopped in front of the store when someone slammed into the back of my car with a lot of force.

I was wearing my seat belt and I'm alright, but the car is not. Getting it assessed on Monday.

The person that hit me said she got confused between the gas and brake and hit the gas hard thinking it was the brake. I hope my car isn't a write off.

I took a Klonopin to help with the panic and anxiety from the whole situation and went to bed early.

I hope you’re okay @Scooter9

I bought some generic Mucinex hoping it might help me get my voice back only to get home and see it says, "Do not use if you are now taking a prescription monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI) (certain drugs for depression, psychiatric, or emotional conditions, or Parkinson's disease), or for 2 weeks after stopping the MAOI drug." I'm not on an MAOI, but now I'm worried about taking it because my brain has been what I've decided to call "pre manic." I've taken OTC cough meds and OTC cold meds without problems so, maybe, I'd be okay? If I have enough of a voice to talk to my pdoc when I am supposed to see him on Tuesday, I can ask about it. It'd just be nice to start taking it already.

I made an important observation about my bipolar symptoms today-being productive, at least sometimes, can be a hypomanic trigger...I had a pretty productive few hours today and then noticed my brain shift to pre manic warning signs. I cut my walk to half the distance it was going to be because the physical activity was making it worse. This happened to me last weekend too. I have just been resting for a few hours now which has made my brain feel calmer. I wonder if this is why my brain can feel like mania is coming on in the evenings-if the productivity of a work day can trigger things if my brain is in a specific state?

I'm doing well. The withdrawels aren't too bad at all. I've been out at stores today and my anxiety has been fine. I went out to dinner with my mom my brother my uncle and his girlfriend and I was fine. I ate and I was not anxious or in a hurry to leave. It is a big deal that I could go out to dinner and not bail at the last moment like I normally do. My 31st birthday is tommorow. I'm honestly wondering if I even need another med at this point.

Great news!

Happy Birthday @Mountaindewed !!

H@pPy BiRtHd@Y Mountaindewed!

Happy birthday @mountainweed! I hope it will be better and better from here for you.

Happy birthday mountaindewed. 🎂

Thanks, @Crazy Hitch

I'm pretty shaken up by the accident and now I'm very careful driving even though the accident wasn't my fault.

Happy Birthday @Mountaindewed!

dewd!

Happy birthday @Mountaindewed

Omg I am so sick! I contracted the flu from my daughter who was out of school for three days with it.

I've been off Lamictal for seven days now. No physical withdrawal. I think I may be in the clear. My sleep has been ****, but it always is. I felt really dejected around 2:30AM. My husband and I are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary on the 12th and I was reflecting upon the last 20 years of my life and getting all boohoo about it.

I was just dejected about being old and fat and wrinkly and unsuccessful and having no life and no friends anymore, etc. Really pathetic. Serious depression talking. BOOHOO.

@raspberrytorte, people take bipolar medications because they do help many people and that's a better solution than severe episodes. Severe episodes can lead to financial losses, relationship issues, losses of jobs, arrests, sometimes venial disease, and/or possible injury or death. I agree that some medications seem the worse of the evils, but not all. As for risks for not taking meds, you never know until the damage or death is done. I've learned all of this the hard way. My family lost my nephew to depression. Obviously I was lucky to live to learn. My nephew was not. We are especially vulnerable when stopping medications too quickly or without adequate substitutions. Part of that is a reaction to the withdrawal, but also a realization that the medication(s) WERE actually doing some good, even if just partially. After being off meds, if a severe episode strikes again, it can be more difficult (and/or take longer) to get stabilized again. I've experienced that in the past, too, and it really applied to my late nephew. He was hospitalized only three weeks before his death. He checked himself out prematurely on only a mini dose of lithium. It was too little and too late to adequately protect him.

It's so common to glorify past bipolar episodes. Truth is, most who do have a form of lack of insight or amnesia about how bad the disorder was. Also know that the disorder often worsens over time when not properly treated. Even "thinking" we can control it ourselves is a misinformation. It (the disorder) can come back with a vengeance, rapidly, sneakily...Ways to self medicate without properly prescribed medication can also turn destructive.

Anyway, you are an adult, I assume. You decide. You must learn the reality of it.

I haven't checked in here for a while. There's been good and bad in my life. The good is that I believe I made a new friend. A British lady who lives in my town with her Czech husband. She's very nice!

Long venting below. I understand if you skip.
_______________________________________________

The bad is that the inheritance hell continues. I want it over with, but done right. My sister hasn't responded to me since early December. She didn't respond to my Christmas greetings. I did nothing wrong and our last proper correspondence was actually very positive, with her truly thanking me for something. Since then, it's clear that her abusive husband had embarked on a demonization campaign aimed at me. Throughout much of the process he forced her to be secretive about many things I was entitled to know about it. It is my sister's fiduciary duty to share key things. I ask for no more than that. Because I have a lawyer to represent me for things, he sees me as not trusting HIM, basically, though I'm sure he tells her it's HER I don't trust. He controls my sister, monitors her correspondence and phone calls with me and started writing correspondence to me under her name. Umm, I can tell and she basically confirmed it. They know that I know. Once she tried creating a "secret" email account to use for correspondence, but he discovered it. Her silence may be partially a result of his demonization, partly because by not she is spared his constant harassment, and/or partly because she feels incapable of finding a way to correspond without his knowledge. It is clear that the inheritance stuff led my sick b-i-l to see me as an adversary. It kills me that in a way he is abusing me, too. And wanted to control me. A lawyer helps in avoiding direct unwelcome contact with him. I would trust my sister, but never trust him. As my sister is controlled by him, it's true I can't trust her. She's been his lifelong prisoner, weak, her low self-esteem deepened, made to think that if she rebels she hurts him, afraid of life without him, as he tells her she would never manage, otherwise. I know his diagnosis. It's a tough one to deal with, especially as he does not accept treatment or responsibility for his actions. He's paranoid and sometimes delusional. He isolates my sister. When my sister has fought back, his go-to is also to manipulate her by threatening his own life, begging her not to leave him, showering her with declarations of love and showing misery. When she gives in, abuse and control resume and he then convinces her she did wrong. Once she managed to get him to stop booze by taking my youngest nephew to an abuse shelter. Upon return, again abuse resumed, and again, it became her bad. I believe him partially responsible for my nephew's death, and he must know it. As I live far away, my sister's isolation is complete. A few years ago, he started drinking again.

I grieve the possible loss of my sister. Even if we eventually correspond again, it's always under his eyes and full control. That requires it be superficial. Without her, I have no real biological family left, in a sense. So so sad! Of course not just for me, but her, as well. I love her and know she loves me. I can't expect her to ever visit me in Europe. I believe he won't allow it. He tells her it is dangerous here in Czechia, which is preposterous, as it is safer than in many parts of the US. If I move to France, she says she won't visit me there, either. The husband told her the French are nasty American haters, which is also ridiculous. Dude has never even been further away than Canada, and only as a child. When I visit New Jersey now, he limits her time with me. The incentive for me to visit there is low. So much grief!

Tomorrow I see the law judge about my disability. I'm scared and I dont want to be told a third time I'm not worthy.

Welcome back. It’s nice to see you even if things haven’t been going well.

Sleep continues to be a struggle. But otherwise most things are rolling along well. The weather continues to be fantastic and an aberration for this part of USA. There no need for boots, or bundling up. Today is another 50F day.

I’m off to my daughter’s house soon. We’re watching Stangerthings and having healthy lunches together. Next month we get a pedicure together too.

Journey well, safe travels y’all

It’s nice to hear from you Soupe. I’m in a slightly similar position with my brother. He’s estranged himself from this side of the family completely. He has claimed continuously that he has no grudge against me personally but still, I never hear from him. He lives ten minutes away and I haven’t seen him since July, and I haven’t heard from him since November. And I only heard from him then bc I sent a message to make sure he got my digital Christmas gift for his family. I know he is traumatized by our upbringing and I believe his wife is in his ear saying none of us even like them and we don’t deserve a second chance. I doubt we’ll ever make up, in fact I suspect they are moving an hour away to be closer to her family. I probably won’t see him again until my grandmother’s funeral, whenever that ends up happening (she is still alive). It’s tough losing a sibling, especially when it’s not your fault.

Good luck with everything, I’m happy you made a new friend!

This morning I woke up late and feeling totally congested and I blew a ton of blood out my nose. I figured I should finally get checked out. I went to immediate care and its a sinus infection. It felt like one the way things would travel up my face then down and out my nose. Thankfully she prescribed me an antibiotic instead of a steriod and instead of telling me to just use mucinex which I can't. I was totally validated and in and out in 10 minutes.

Anyways I'm lying down now just feeling pretty blah and I still think the med withdrawels are there a bit but maybe not.

do you have an attorney to appear with you before the Administrative Law Judge?

CR has been sick with stomach issues so I’ve been off of work for two days. I’m trying not to feel guilty about it. After the comment about my attendance last year in my annual review I’ve been reluctant to take any days off. But I’m still in treatment so I have taken a few. But what can I do? I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with stomach problems. If it’s a cold it’s whatever, he can stay home and I can go to work since I work only a mile and a half away. But stomach problems, I just want to be there if he throws up so I can take care of him and clean up if necessary. So far he hasn’t thankfully. I still think it was unfair to bring up my attendance last year since 90% of my absences were covered by medical notes. I feel that if I’d had a physical illness it wouldn’t have been mentioned. But my notes were from a well known psychiatric hospital so they definitely knew and I wouldn’t doubt HR spreading it around, even though I know that’s illegal.

In general I’ve staved off depression but my anxiety is wild. I stay in bed most of my free time now, because a) I’m cold in the house so I curl up under my blankets and b) I’m afraid of annoying RS with my choice of TV shows. He’s NEVER been annoyed by that but it doesn’t matter, I can’t seem to get over it. I’m too anxious to get gas for my car (I’m in NJ, you can’t self serve, you have to talk to someone) so I don’t do it until RS can take me. I don’t want to talk to ANY strangers so if someone is at the door when I go into or out of a store I hang back so I don’t have to awkwardly hold the door or thank them for holding the door. I’ve felt a lot more self conscious about how I come off, and feeling a lot more awkward during interactions like checking out or ordering from a restaurant. I’m constantly thinking one of my coworkers doesn’t like me even though she’s never given any indication and she’s the type of person who would definitely say something.

I also keep having intrusive thoughts, like when I’m going down the basements steps I think I’m going to fall and get seriously injured. Or one of the students is going to fall off the playground and get hurt. Or they’re going to choke on something before I can get it out of their mouth, or maybe I won’t notice right away that they have something in their mouth and I’ll be blamed for their choking death. I think if RS is in the bathroom too long that he’s had a heart attack and he’s dead. I mean it’s all so unlikely but my first husband did die suddenly so it’s not impossible to me.

I’ve also had a bad attitude at work. Yesterday I did go in for an hour before CR’s school called and I really had to actively change my thought pattern so I wouldn’t come off as mean (I probably don’t, another anxiety). I had to take a lot of deep breaths to relieve my irritation at the students for things they really can’t help. That I think I can do, I can change my thought process and general attitude. The overwhelming anxiety though? No idea how to go about that.