Bipolar Check-in #79

Just day two of my decreased gabapentin dose and I'm already feeling it. Just overall weird feeling. I don't like it. 😞 Trusting my pdoc on this one though. He said it's increasing my appetite and causing weight gain, so... I actually don't know why he's so insistent on me going off my gabbies. He's brought this idea up in the past and in the past I've told him hell no. I'm just so desperate right now I guess I'm willing to try anything. And I feel rather beaten down with depression and willing to just trust the man knows what he's talking about. So weaning down on the gabby it is. If I have nightmares tonight though I'm calling tomorrow. I'm NOT dealing with the gabby withdrawal nightmares!

Sales on one of my books is going rather well. I reached bestseller list on Amazon in two categories. Now I just have to write my next novel. I know the genre I want to write. I have a general overview of what I want the book to be about. It's just a matter of executing it and having the mental energy. I don't feel exactly full of mental energy at the moment. I have a flash fiction idea I'd like to write before I delve into a novel.

I'm nearing that time of the month again. Tmi but I'm bloated as ****. Soon I'll start crying about everything! Ugh. I have to call my GP and schedule an appointment to have my blood pressure checked so I can get a refill of my stupid phentermine (I've lost one pound. Yippie). Maybe it takes more than one month? Idk. I'm just really disappointed 😞.

I wonder if crap sleep is a side effect of Wellbutrin. And dwelling on all your lifes decisions and thinking you made a mistake. And having weird strong urges. Like when I almost messaged my transference T a few days ago. And I was S as ****.

My sides feel like spaghetti and I'm sneezimg and my nose is running.

Did absolutely nothing but lie in bed all day. Fiancé got home early and is taking me out. Where to we haven’t decided but at least I’m getting out the house!

Up at 5:22am and can't go back to sleep. Have to go to work later, so I know I'm really going to pay for it. But I feel really positive and happy this morning. Still having thoughts about my husband, I guess he will always be on my mind for a long time. I know I did the right thing, but a part of me wants to reach out and talk to him. I was his only friend in the whole world, and I turned my back on him.

They placed my granddad in hospice care today

I had another night of really bad sleep. I just chugged a can of coffee so I can hopefully avoid taking a nap or going to bed early. I went out today and it was tough because I didn't have my glasses on in the car. So when I got home I needed Aleeve and Zofran. I feel decent now after the coffee. But I still can't guarantee I won't pass out in a bit.

And of course I immediatly fell asleep for 15 minutes after I posted this.

I feel like crap. And I know theres a reason. I started 2 new meds this year. Went off my Prestiq. Went way down on my Lamictal. Started Wellbutrin. I have a couple messed up blood levels.

I just need to make it through the weekend.

Well my papaw is expected to pass in the next two weeks if that long. Also I got accepted in the masters of science of social work program.

@HALLIEBETH87:

Sorry to hear the bad news about your pawpaw but congratulations on being accepted into the new school!

I called my case manager today to report that I’d been drooling a lot in addition to the shaky hands and she said she was “just about to call “ me. She said that my Pdoc prescribed me cogentin! I thanked her. For some reason I had written down that I was seeing Pdoc at the beginning of May but cm said no it was 3 weeks later than that! Weird. I don’t usually get my appointments wrong since I write them down in the appointment reminder app on my phone. Let’s just hope that the cogentin works! I picked it up today and took my first dose as a “morning “ dose even though it was about 2 pm by that time. I’m supposed to take it twice a day.

Sorry to hear about your papaw but a big congrats on getting accepted into your masters program! That’s really good news!

Feeling really down. Just feeling guilty after making so much progress. Digressing and backtracking. I know I messed up and I don't know how to fix it.

I was the one who filed for divorce yet I found myself missing family functions with our kids as a unit like the first time in years that I’d gone to Disney World without him but with our kids. I nearly cried about it and called my ex and told him how I felt from a pay phone at one of the parks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I was the one who filed for divorce yet I found myself missing family functions with our kids as a unit like the first time in years that I’d gone to Disney world without him but with our kids. I nearly cried about it and called my ex and told him how I felt from a pay phone at one of the parks.

I can totally relate. I broke down and called him from a blocked number. It felt SO good to hear his voice but immediately I know I effed up big time. I feel nothing but guilt now that I gave him hope, but needed that validation so bad that I went against everything I was working towards.

Hailiebeth I'm sorry about your grandpa but I'm glad you got into the master's program.

Moose72 I really hope your new medication works.

I'm scared to take the Zoloft. I've been doing well on just the latuda. My anxiety is sky high. I swear I ordered the pizza wrong. It's late. I've only been up since 4 pm. My dog makes sleeping hard. I'm a wreck. I want to pay things off and do things. I'm scattered by all the things. Then I get my sdit dog this summer. Victoria 's friend is coming this summer for a week so we have to save for that.

I understand. What’s even harder is that he’s happily remarried now. I’ve accepted her as the kids’ step mom since they got married when the kids were still pretty young. And he’s fixed the things that I divorced him for long ago.

Had an earthquake here in the northeast today. 4.8 magnitude, strongest ever recorded in this state. Since we’re not used to them here it was a moment of confusion for us, especially since the heat had just come on. We thought our heater was about to explode! Until we saw all our neighbors outside. No damage or anything. My cat didn’t even move from her spot on the couch. She’s pretty lazy :-D

I’ve been doing well still. Been four weeks since last ECT and no problems. I’m probably going to skip my May 3rd appt and take a break for the spring/summer. Hopefully I won’t need it again in the fall but that is where I start to stumble. When it gets cold and the light goes away my brain starts to get out of sorts. But man, if I could go a long time before needing another series I would love it. I hate ECT.

I’m on spring break this week. The weather was miserable, three days of pouring rain and then cloudy and chilly yesterday and today. Of course when I go back to work on Monday it’s going to be gorgeous oh well. I got some stuff done around the house. I planned on switching out all my long sleeve shirts for my tee shirts but haven’t gotten that far. I’ve lost enough weight that I might be able to wear my XL shirts instead of my 2xl ones. But maybe not, I don’t like tight clothing. I’ll have to try them on. I’m 2/3 the way to my first weight goal. 30lbs. Then I’ll try to take the next 30lbs off. We’ll see though, it’s been very slow going for me. I tend to lose a pound then gain two back after two days of “cheating”. Like a weekend. I “cheated” yesterday for my birthday and had my red velvet cheesecake AND a medium hot fudge sundae (not at the same time!). I woke up restless several times during the night, I think from the sugar overload.

We went to the arcade today and collectively won 201,000 points. I love the crane games and a specific game called pearl fishery. CR loves that game and the Yahtzee game. He won the super bonus on Yahtzee! RS won tons of ticket rolls from the crane games and won two 12,000 ticket rolls. All in all a good day.

Now I get two more days and then must return to work. Work straight through for the next two months until Memorial Day, then only four weeks after that until summer break! So crazy how fast this year is moving. CR will be in 8th grade next year. Be still my heart! Almost high school!

Hopefully I will stay stable for a loooong time.

It will all work out. I too was feeling yesterday that I had problem after problem. Today seems better. I used Draino hair buster in my shower that was filling the tub with water each time I took a shower and it seems to have worked! Hallelujah!

I'm 41. I'm at the point in my life where I may not WANT to quit vaping, but I NEED to quit vaping. I'm getting too old for this shyt. 😪 It's necessary for me to say goodbye to my precious nicotine. My lungs are not happy with me. I get out of breath walking up two flights of stairs! That's sad. I'm not THAT overweight. Jeez.

My husband was a menace today and made me go for a walk with him. Didn't want to. I was tired and lacking energy, but I guess it wasn't so bad.

Had an appointment with my therapist this morning.

She asked, "What does your ideal death look like?"

Why the FUKK would you ask a depressed person that?! I was like, "What?!" I've honestly never thought about it. I told her I didn't know. I'm not THAT old yet. Why would I be thinking about my death?! But thanks a lot, therapist. Now I'm going to be ruminating about my demise all weekend!

Maybe she’s been contemplating her own death?