Bipolar Check-in #79

I went down on a lower non psych med but I'm back up on that while I figure out insurance stuff. So hopefully things will work out with that med.

But yeah today I feel a bit unstable and moody today. Hopefully he lets me back on the lamictal

I hope so too. Regardless of what he says you can be on both wellbutrin and Lamictal at the same time. Like I said, at one point, I was on both at the same time. Lamictal is actually the longest med I've ever been on and I fear I may have messed up my brain permanently from it (as in, I'll never be able to function now without it). It's okay though I guess. I mean, it doesn't give me any side effects or impact me negatively in anyway.

If now you're just on geodon, propranolol, diazepam and wellbutrin I can see why you'd feel moody and unstable. You really should have a mood stabilizer, but that's just my opinion.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and have a good day.

Oh, and I understand how hard it is to find a psychiatrist that isn't a complete asshat. It's easier said than done to find a new psychiatrist. I wish you luck.

Oh, and, STAY AWAY FROM PILLS!!!

My pdoc is pissed. And he wants to meet with me next Tuesday because he won't make med changes over the phone. Not good. I'm thinking of just making the several hour journey to see him in person. But yeah I think I pissed him off quite a bit and all I said was the wellbutrin was working out for my depression and I wanted to stay on it but I felt like I needed the lamictal back for my moods.

Oh dear... I don't know if this is possible, but can you just say **** you to this man and have your GP write your scripts while you find a new pdoc?

Just a thought.

This pdoc seems like an insufferable man to work with.

Anyway, so I'm starting to feel much better. Cough has gone away. I'm done with the steroid (thankfully. Jeez Louise!). Just have a whole lot more antibiotics to take. My sleep is still shyt though. Only got an hour and a half last night. I blame our warmer than average temperatures. It feels like spring outside, minus chirping ****s (aka birds). I just can't ****ing SLEEP. It's so FRUSTRATING. Even with my seroquel I can't! I need a stronger sleep aid or something, but I don't see my psychiatrist until April 2nd sadly. I may just call beginning of March when he gets back from vacation and tell them I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.

I get anxious every night before bed now because I KNOW it's going to be the same thing. I'm going to wake up at midnight or 1AM and not be able to fall back asleep. And I'm almost out of my prn seroquel, not that it works that well anymore anyway. I just want to sleep like a normal person! Is that too much to ask?!

Seriously, first Monday of March I'm calling and saying I can't sleep.

Sorry about the sleep rant. Lol.

I visited my granny in rehab and had dinner with her today.
Its been
Over two
Weeks and I miss her. My asshole uncle who does nothing for her is coming up tomorrow. I can’t wait to move

I kinda freaked out after my doctors call .

I feel a lot better now. I think it was just a hormone issue because of the lowered dose of my testeretone. I think I have things under control now.

I was also going through my old online pharmacy records and I do actually have another zofran refill on file from when I was seeing my old primary a year ago. So I don't have to go to the new one to get it again. So thats good.

As usual 🙄... 2:25AM and I'm wide awake, even after taking 200mg of seroquel an hour ago. Went to bed at around 11:45PM and woke up at 12:30AM.

Ugh!!! Fudgcicle!!!!

I feel like running around the block. I would if we didn't live in such a shyt neighborhood.

I'm full of all sorts of unsettling feels that I'm sure would be resolved if I could just GET SOME FUDGING SLEEP.

Still not losing any weight. Am I still expecting things too soon? I feel more energized today. And less moody. And I feel more stable. So it was probably just the other med issue.

I hate to admit this because I really would like an excuse to stop taking it but the Seroquel seems to be helping stabilize my mood along with making me sleep (which is why it was prescribed). Sleepwise it's hard to fall asleep the last few nights but I could sleep forever. However yesterday I had to get up for therapy and had to do something in the afternoon so I didn't have a nap. Today I got up especially to go for a walk with my mom and dog and only had about 45 minutes of a nap and tonight I did a low impact aeobics video. So I did about 5x the steps i've been doing. And I feel just a bit better than I have been.

I hope this continues because during the time I was not exercising because of my back injury I re-gained 10 lbs and it is not coming off quickly. I am hoping the exercise does the trick or I don't know what will. And I really desperately need to lose the weight to do my best at avoiding a diabetes diagnosis in May. Plus I'm sick of being fat. Knowing I can lose weight makes me want to lose more despite the annoyance of gaining more. And I really hope the Seroquel doesn't make losing harder or worse cause gain. It's only 50 mg (may have to go to 100 if falling asleep is an issue) so I'm hopeful it won't cause me to gain. I don't remember gaining until a higher dose in the past. But that was a long time ago so my memory may be faulty.


Hopefully I can repeat tomorrow. The outside walk may be impossible because of rain. I wish I had a treadmill or something at home but I don't. I don't want to join the Y because at the moment I'd pay the fee and never go there because ti's too hard to change and drive there feeling depressed. Maybe eventually.

My mom had this book signed by Aberham Lincoln that she got from my Grandma. I thought my dad lost it so I never said anything until yesterday when I asked and she said. "Oh, I mailed that to your uncle."

Does anyone see my frustration with her? We could have been sitting on quite a bit of money and she goes and gives it to my rich uncle who vacations in Europe all the time.

Also I had a newspaper from.when JFK was shot that she gave my sister and that does make me a bit physically sick that she gave that away to be honest. I got it when I was 13 after my aunt died and I was saving it until I could frame it.

Ugh. Two nights in a row that I fell asleep and then woke up groggy in the night. This time I must have fallen asleep right after I took my 11 PM meds and I woke at 12:15 and now it's 1:30 and I'm still awake. I took 100 mg gabapentin so hopefully I'm not too drugged from that instead of another 50 mg of Seroquel that definitely would make me groggy all day.

I just don't understand why I can't sleep straight through.

I'm thinking about calling my pdoc's office sooner than the first week of March about my sleeping problems. This is not good. I got three hours last night. I just took 300mg of seroquel to attempt to induce a nap so I could at least get a little bit of sleep, but doubt it's going to work. I might as well not even try. I'm most frustrated 😠 and agitated. I can't think straight. I want to be creative, but I'm too wired up.

@Mountaindewed

Still too soon to see weight loss results. You just started it.

@BeyondtheRainbow

I understand your frustration. I can't sleep straight through the night either. Like I've said, I go to bed around eleven-thirty/midnight and wake up at one or one-thirty. And then can't fall back asleep because I'm wide-awake.

BOOHOO man.

Whatever. I'll just call my pdoc and deal with it. In fact, I think I'm going to call right now.

Idk why I've gained 4 pounds though. Like I'm eating less and eating better and sleeping better yet I'm putting on a pound a day. Everyone wants me to see my new primary doctor and talk to him about things but I think I'm just fat for no reason?

Anyways today I woke up feeling happy. I stayed out of my room all day and I did good in therapy and got some things out. I do feel anxious about somethings but overall things are much better then they were on Monday. I was kinda crabby a couple times but it was mostly just frustration related to my weight.

I think I really needed that zofran though to calm things.

Im really stressed with life right now. I feel a tad depressed but had no desire to share that with anyone IRL. Lots of good and not so good things happening lately. wedding is les than 4 week away and our apt opens for use to move in three weeks. granny is still in rehab and i wish she was here. i miss her even though i visit every 2-3days. pawpaw (moms side of family) is back in rehab as hes been in hiospital with blood clots in lungs and leg. its a sucky rehab. they should treat our nations veterans better i think. he served 18 months on the frontlines in korea. its been almost a year since his wife, my sweet mawmaw passed. i miss her so much! i need to start journaling again. it really does help me and idk why i stopped doing it. time slips away i guess.

i dontkno what the point of this post is. i just feel defeated, sad and altogether useless.

Had a horrible time this morning. Been feeling really lonely and sad. I want to be held and I am feeling bad alone. Had to find a therapist because I couldn't take much more of this all alone. Hoping for a better tomorrow.

Okay. Tonight I am going to fall asleep and sleep until 5AM. I am NOT going to wake up at 12:30AM wide awake. I am going to have an EXCELLENT night of sleep. I am DETERMINED. I have an appointment with my therapist at 8:30AM and I don't want to be all strung out for it. I did call my pdoc's office today about my sleeping troubles. I'm hoping they get back to me soon. I hope they don't wait until the first Wednesday of March when my pdoc is back in the office!

Anyway, had an excellent evening with my daughter. So much fun. We don't get to spend very much time together just the two of us anymore, so it was nice. Saw ducks. Ate takis. Went on a walk. Watched funny YouTube videos. She's stressed because her best friend is getting beat up at school, but she's been standing up for him. Like she did today, and the bully approached her like he was going to hit her, and she said to him, "YOU HIT ME AND I'LL HIT YOU BACK!!!" and apparently the kid backed away.

My antibiotic didn't make me puke tonight, so that was nice.

Isn't it creepy how if Jupiter was orbiting Earth it would literally take up the entire sky? 😳 Jupiter scares the **** out of me!

Do you guys think Dave Mustaine from Metallica is a beautiful man? 😍 I have a friend who thinks he is. I think he's the grossest guy I've ever seen. Lol.

@Mountaindewed

Do you think your four pound weight gain may have to do with your testosterone/hormonal changes? I bet that's what it is. It's way too soon for the wellbutrin to be causing massive size reduction. It's not a miracle maker. It took me three months of being on it to get down to 120lbs.

@HALLIEBETH87

Sorry to hear you're so stressed 😔. I hope you feel better soon. Just remember to be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of hugs 🫂 and remember that getting married is exciting! I may have missed this, but where are you going on your honeymoon?

@LadyShadow

I'm sorry you feel so alone. 😔

Remember that you're really not. You have us here.

(((Hugs)))

Be kind to yourself.

@raspberrytorte thank you so much for your kindness! I will try to. Having an empty home is hard. I miss holding my husband and him holding me, it's getting bad these days. Then I have to remember all the trouble he caused me, and I am better off - but man, the loneliness is so hard.

I do hope you get some rest. Let me ask, have you ever had a sleep study done? I mean you've thrown so many different medications at the sleep problem, but maybe it's something else entirely? I never thought to do one, but I found out I had sleep apnea, where I never thought I never had a problem. My problems were similar to yours, just couldn't get to bed, and when I went to sleep couldn't stay asleep for the life of me. Maybe look into it.

You're welcome 😊.

I never thought of having a sleep study done. I don't think I have sleep apnea... I mean, when I wake up I feel well rested. And my strange, sporadic sleep schedule is episodic.

And that dumb steroid really DID NOT help matters!

But I'll make an appointment with my GP tomorrow, just to have a discussion with her about my sleeping 😴 problems.