Bipolar Check-in #79

It’s Friday afternoon. Time to unwind.

Anxiety levels still bad. I asked my therapist if I should call and she pretty much just said, "Your serotonin and dopamine levels are fukked. I think you need to get out of your apartment more." Thanks Noelle. That's REALLY helpful. I have been getting out of the apartment more, now that I'm feeling a bit better, and I'm STILL anxious 😟. No shyt my serotonin and dopamine levels are messed up.

I've been having distressing dreams/nightmares. I TOLD my psychiatrist this would happen if we lowered my gabby dose, last time he wanted to, and all he said was, "That's weird." I hope he doesn't just recommend I go on prazosin next I see him. I'd rather not add ANOTHER med to my already over inflated pharmacy of meds.

I haven't been able to concentrate or read or write as of late because of my stupid anxiety, which is no good. I have stuff I need to read!

Got another short story rejection yesterday. I'm not even going to bother anymore. It's a waste of time.

Happy oaks day and derby day tomorrow!! Go baby go!!!!

Wtf man, a kidney punch. I met this woman who said she got a two bedroom voucher and we were going to get an apartment together. She's a nurse. Or was. Lost her income so now she can't pay for anything, and even I have to pull out all the stops to get MY OWN MONEY because my rep payee doesn't let me have access to it (not to mention I haven't talked to her since November).

But that's not even the big problem. She had a heart attack and things aren't looking so good. She called overnight saying she died twice (came back and is still breathing in the hospital though, thank God). Woman is such an amazing person who helped me through a lot of shyt before I got kicked out the shelter where I met her. We wreaked some havoc together, but it was good-spirited havoc like driving recklessly around the city (before dawn when no one is out on the roads so it's not like going the wrong way down a one way street or going through red lights is dangerous)

It just sucks. First my partner overdoses (that was aways back though, but it still hurts and I question why it was her and not me), then I lose my dad and find out from his fking dealer (not that that's really affecting me right now. I lost him long ago. Maybe I never had him in the first place), and I'm probably going to lose this madcap. Then there's all the people I thought would be by my side, but just proved I am incapable of maintaining a relationship. I feel like my CM is going to leave me high and dry too.
edit: I just realized today is the 21st anniversary of the death of the Old Man of the Mountain too. man....

I do have an FP right now who I am trying my best not to either overwhelm or push away. They seem to genuinely care about me and understand I am not always in the best frame of mind, and they are a great inspiration for me to be a better person. I actually think twice before messaging them or calling them, and when we hang out I feel like nothing bad could ever happen. I really do not want to lose them and I've learned showing that they are pretty much the anchor of my life and I would spiral if they weren't around is a good way to make people leave. But seriously, they are amazing, and I think reeling it in a bit is going to go a long way, and this is going to last.

I called the nurse back who I talked to the other day. My therapist was like "don't let them get away with this." She told me to go ahead and call the other hospital and that they should have the refferal by now. I also asked her if she would ask my doctor if I could increase my stomach med.

I called the other hospital and they got the refferal and the soonest they can get me in for a second opinion is June 14th. So I'll just have to deal with my dopey GI office on May 14th since the nurse told me to take whatever I can get first, then go for the second opinion on June 14th.

The nurse called back and said yeah I can take the stomach med twice a day. I already did take it twice today. Before asking. And my pain is managed although I still am puking a bit. But I feel more confident about making it to the 14th now with this increase.

Overall my moods are better now that things have started rolling a bit.

Doing OK today. Had some ups and downs but feeling alright for now. Happy Friday to everyone.

i might just pop a klonopin tonight and sleep in. been a LONG *** week!

My phone buddy is here. He’s sleeping on the couch. We are getting up at 5 a.m.

I have such trouble getting up and getting going. I just feel numb and sick in the morning. It takes several tries to get up for good. I'm still getting stuff done tho -- not a lot, but at least one chore a day, so my home is still running okay. I got my dog groomed yesterday and that's a big deal for me as she so hates it. But i asked my one close neighbor to drive us, so i had her support, which i was grateful for.

I've gotten back into playing online Scrabble competitively, against other humans. It's nice to have the company and i am happy to see my game is in good shape after these recent years of playing the dumb bots. Strategy is much more important playing other humans. I have to play defensively too, whereas with the bots it's all offense.

The crazy Seroquel dreams continue to bother me. Hate that. I don't want to go to bed because i don't want the bad dreams and i don't want morning to come. Sigh! But i think we all feel regular sleep is important for health with bipolar.

Hugs to all who need them!

hey Jane! good for you with the scrabble!
I hate getting out of bed in the mornings!
Jeff gets up early like 7;30am and runs/walks
the neighborhood feeding cats along the way.
I have my alarm set for 9am then hit snooze
if I can get away with it.
If push comes to shove I can get ready in about 30mins.

I'm feeling a lot better today. Despite the fact I spent the morning projectile vomiting a can of Mountain Dew and an apple this morning at 6AM. I kept my Lamictal down last night for the first time in 2 days. I also kept my AM meds down which I took at 2AM. And I slept good on just 10mil of melatonin. I was out of my normal melatonin but they had it back in stock yesterday.

So I feel pretty decent mental health wise now that I've kept all my meds in recently. Physically, I took Aleve today so I don't have a ton of pain. The increase in stomach meds is helping.

I pulled myself out of bed yesterday at 4PM and went to the store. It was good to push myself.

I love how people think they are being sooo orginal when they say May the 4th be with you.

Now my stomach feels like I took a ton of mirolax and am severely constipated even though I just went to the bathroom a ton. Also my mom walked in on me in the bathroom as I was zipping up my pants.

I had the door closed. This is why I don't bother wIth public bathrooms.

I'm thinking of heating up soup but I'm not sure I want to be spewing up autumn squash soup all night.

I ate the soup and now its in a bucket.

I'm kind of crabby now. Maybe I should have rethought adding cheddar broccoli soup to my shopping list.

Think of the split pea soup scene from the excorcist but autumn squash soup instead

Something is seriously ****ed up with me.

My mom came home and freaked out at the smell and now I'm wondering if vomit that smells that bad is a bad thing or if it was just the type of soup. I don't normally throw up like this but I don't normally eat liguidy thick soup either.

I had taken both pantropazoles and all 3 of my zofrans before eating. Now I'm waiting for a pepcid to kick in.

I threw up 2 pepcids and a bunch of bile. I felt so sick like I was going to have a heart attack. All from some soup. My blood pressure was normal so its just heartburn.

I'm pretty sure I forgot to take my 3rd valium and thats why I'm freaking out a bit right now. I'm sweating and my chest is going up and down real fast.

Yeah I counted and I forgot the 3rd one...

I'm pretty much living from anti-anxiety meds to the next dose of anti-anxiety meds at the moment. And trying not to freak out in-between my anxiety has been so bad. I'm paralyzed with anxiety. The only thing I can do is listen to music and type in my journal. I can't even put the dishes away. 😒 Going to have to do that tomorrow though. I'm afraid of the dark. I was trying to identify in my journal today WHAT has me feeling so anxious.

My husband has been gone at work all day and I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm scared I'll wake up with a breathing tube down my throat, unable to see, and with no recollection of what happened, like when I overdosed on benadryl. My mom also texted me today. She triggers me. And it brought up all of these memories/flashbacks of the summer when I had that really bad manic episode.

And now I'm just hot and anxious and waiting for my seroquel to kick in and knock me out for the night (lights on in the bedroom of course).

I don't know if I should call my pdoc's office or not on Monday. Noelle made it seem like all I needed to do was exercise and my anxiety would go away. I don't know what my pdoc's office could do for me. All of this anxiety has me feeling awfully depressed though.

I'm kind of just here today. My stomach hurts and I threw up this morning but I kept down some tuna and almond butter a couple hours later. I'm in such a rut though. I feel really depressed but my pdoc won't raise my lamictal or prestiq. I'm only on 25mg prestiq and 75 mg lamictal. Thats hardly anything in my opinion. He won't even tell me why he won't raise them.

Basically today I'm just lying in bed again wasting my life away.

Now I'm throwing up again and stuff and I keep taking these huge shits. Sorry for the tmi. No clue whats what.

I took all my meds early really early including my 5PM Geodon so I feel a bit better mental health wise.

We’re all surviving day to day doing the best we can.

Im expecting Cinco de Mayo madness tonight. People down the street were setting off fireworks last night.

I’ve stayed at this gals place a bit over the past few weeks and last night she said I was on the spectrum because I have a high IQ. Lmao, no, I’m a dumbass and even if she were right about that I don’t think high IQ=autism lol

I haven’t eaten anything in 24 hours. When we get food I’m probably going to go on a mad binge

I was thinking about what you said yesterday, that i dont sound old, and i was like, finally somebody hears me! You are very good at reading people (is where i ended up), but i am betting that is more from nurture (growing up with crazy people, as i did) than necessarily nature, altho both my parents were pretty clever for foreigners. My dad in "letters" and my mother more in math. My mother always completely ignored commas and periods when she read anything, which means things usually meant the opposite of what was intended by the author. It was hilarious. Anyway.

So your friend must also be high iq autistic if she
can diagnose you?

Idk. I think "the spectrum" should be reversed. People who blindly follow others like socially instead of wondering wtf is going on should be considered on the spectrum, not vice versa.

At this point I'm surviving hour to hour! My husband asked me if I was going to call tomorrow and I didn't want to because I don't want to sound like a whiny bytch, but enough is enough! I'm fudging calling!

I'm actually relieved all my meds are locked up. Can't abuse my Seroquel. Can't take more gabapentin than I'm supposed to. And I don't trust myself anymore, not after last weekend. I'm going to run out of PRN Seroquel, but I'll deal with that later.

I actually thought of a novel idea this morning while I was writing in my journal, so I'm excited about that 😊. Hopefully it works out. I haven't actually taken it to the planning stage yet.

@Mountaindewed

I'm sorry you've been so sick and your psychiatrist won't raise your doses. Yes. 75mg of Lamictal is hardly anything! What were you on before? I take 200mg. I think most people are on that. I'm not sure though. Sometimes I feel like I'm just laying in bed, wasting my life away too.

@raspberrytorte I was on 200 before. All I asked was to go up to 100 and he told me no. I don't see him until July.

And I was also on 100 mg Prestiq.

I don't think he thinks my issues are mental health related. Which would be fine if my medical team were helping me out.

Just kind of here.

Nothing is really wrong, but that long cry in church this morning really shocked me. It was just so much emotion. That happens to me a lot - I might be feeling really good for few days, and then all of a sudden, I am rushed with so much emotion it overwhelms me.

Thinking a lot about my ex - just how he is and if he's thinking of me. I went down memory lane with some of our pictures when I was talking on the phone with my friend last night.

Symptom wise, and mental health wise I am in really good shape. I know my CPAP performs miracles and I am so grateful for it. I don't think there is any med in the world that can give me what my CPAP gives me.

Still though, thoughts of Giovanni plague my mind - I don't mind sharing his name or saying his name because it is such a beautiful name, just as beautiful as he is. Slowly starting to appreciate and mourn our love at the same time - just a painful process.

@Mountaindewed

Yeah. That really sucks.