Bipolar Check-in #79

How long does it take for your meds to absorb? If I took my meds at noon and my Geodon at 12:15 and then barfed at 12:54 did they get into my system at all?

I think thats one of the reasons he doesn't want to raise anything right now. Half the time I don't keep the stuff he does prescribe down.

Let's eat, Grandma
Let's eat Grandma
Grammar saves lives. I know, I know, unoriginal, but I still get a kick out of it.

and nah, she is definitely not high IQ autistic nor does she have any experience in abnormal psychology beyond being my friend, so I'm not taking her word as scripture (honestly, I don't even take scripture as scripture)

Either you're "on the spectrum" or you lack the ability to be a self. I mean, I lack a STABLE sense of self, but there is personality in me. It just changes for POWER!!!

Totally more complex than that. But in essence, all brains are fked up in their own ways.
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I'm doing good. I was on a family plan with my mom, but I guess she finally decided to say "fk paying for Sam's phone" (even though she has access to all my money being my rep payee and I have no access to it but also she's not paying for any of my expenses, so yeah, I'm on SSDI but the family member who can work takes that money and puts anything extra in a bank account. Or uses it in gas to meet up with her fwb. idk anymore...) so I'm gonna save up for my own phone and not even get a plan so I can call 911 if I make an unsuccessful attempt and regret it but still need stitches or whatever. Or come across someone who OD'd, but I've only seen that five times since January.
I think I'm going to move in with chica. She's super nice and helpful. She feels better when I show I feel more at home here, so I've pretty much taken over all the cooking and have been using her laptop ("to find work" haha more like "come on here" although I really am looking for work too)

Speaking of work. This dude said he'd pay me $500 to help build a stage. Nothing fancy, just something for some event coming up. I know nothing of construction, but I helped chica repair a broken picture frame and I'm not dumbfounded when I need to put furniture together (I don't know if people are being sarcastic or not when they say they are. A lot of people don't seem it, but sometimes I feel like you have to be incredibly stupid to not know how to put pieces of a chair together).

Look in the road: a head!

Carp what was i gonna say? Oh yeah 911. 911 phones are free! I dont know where to get them, but you should be able to.

Building - yeah its like cooking, its just following directions. I had a teacher in manicure school who used to do Habitat for Humanity on the weekends. A former coworker got into building and sent me a picture of when she flipped a Caterpillar over. So cool. When my uncle died, my aunt went into construction. I think all she did was hold the stop/go sign, but still so cool for an old italian lady! The last time i moved, the movers wanted to take apart my metal bookshelves, and i was like, are you insane? Do you know how long it took me to put those together?! Its been a long strange trip.

Feeling kind of blue this Monday morning. Perhaps it's because I'm at work. Not sure. It's not a nice feeling. I see my "okay" class this morning and then my NOT so "okay" class last session today followed by a staff meeting so it's going to be a late day!

I'm pretty sure you puked it up.

Feeling really tired tonight, but I think that's a great sign. I am really scared about mania these days because I stopped taking my morning meds, but I think because I'm sleeping pretty well each night, I should be okay.

Feeling emotional though, my heart is still broken - I know they say time heals all wounds but man I wish it would just hurry up I feel so impatient and sad.

I attended a ZOOM party put on by one of the support groups here in the city. The themes were a combination of Spring and Cinco de Mayo. It was pretty tame but the host was fun and did a great job. She gave out ten-dollar gift e-cards to Walmart. Then we played our regular Sunday night games.

Scrabble's going real well, my rating hit a new high after circling around for many games. A couple big plays were fun: CHASTER and SERENER. As i get more chaste, i get more serene! I slept well again. Terrible trouble getting going in the daytime, but that's typical. I only get about six alert hours out of each day.

@Mountaindewed:

A nurse i spoke to on a telehealth service said it takes forty minutes for meds to hit our bloodstream.

I am a little scared....I am high risk for breast cancer and go to oa breast clinic every 6 months. My next appointment is in a few weeks. I have found a lump. It is probably nothing; I have had several lumps removed that were fine and I have a very large cyst somewhere in that area (but the dr couldn't find it 6 months ago. Nonetheless I keep poking at this and it seems to be a consistent, hard, pea-sized lump and I've never felt anything quite like this before. I've never actually felt any of my lumps but I do feel abnormal tissue sometimes. Hopefully this is a different variety of that.

I'll be so glad for my specialist and mammogram.

I've not told anyone about this. I need to. My therapist will be on vacation just before my appointments so I won't have him to calm me down like usual. I need to tell my mom. But I hate for anyone to worry when it's probably fine. I just have this fear that if not this time then next or the next will be the time they find the cancer...It's not a positive thought but it's hard to avoid sometimes, this lump being one of them.


Women: Get your mammograms on time! The only reason I know I am high risk and what to watch for (plus getting watched very carefully) is that I chose to start mammograms at 40 and kept up with the every 2 years schedule. If I'd waited until 45 or later something might have been out of control in there.

I just wanted to say y'all are lovely people. Seriously. Fighting a hell of a fight, spiting the entity that put evil thoughts in your heads. Surviving when that's the last thing you want to do. Some of you are a beast of a Scrabble opponent, some teaching the minds of the future, some healing the sick, all being an inspiration.

As I get ready to call it a night, I find myself with some paralyzing anxiety. I doomed scrolled for a very long time. I think a lot of it has to do with the unknowns of what my phsyical health will be like when I wake up/this week. It was pretty bad this weekend, but I had to push through it to get some much needed cleaning done since my roommate sucks at it and will leave coffee and food spills on the counter. She only cleans if a cockroach gets in or she is having people over.

She's been driving me nuts, but financially speaking living alone isn't an options, so I will resign our lease to live hear another year.

Some of the anxiety is probably also from the fact that, tomorrow, I need to have the guts to initiate the conversation with my counselor about her not being the right fit anymore. Confrontation sucks, but I have faith that I'll find the guts to do this.

Three weeks of the school year left-that's wild to me!