About me and how I came to be here…

Hi all,

Been a while since I have felt the need to look for a support forum like this, but here I am.

Over 20 years ago I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I and ADHD after moody and somewhat erratic yet still functional mood swings and behaviors pretty much my entire life. My mother recalls 2-3 year old me having what she called “black periods” where no one could console me and I would be hopelessly miserable, just to wake up the following day and be back to my hyperactive mischievous self that kept her running all day long simply trying to keep up.

At the time of my dx I was cycling every 1-2 weeks and it was obvious to most except me. I finally lost my temper at work, got a bit aggressive and ended up taking disability leave to get treatment. Due to an unusual situation I had a connection to a university psychiatric research institution and was able to get into a treatment program there which was very cutting edge in my area. I received 4 types of therapy including CBT and DBT in addition to assignment to a physical therapist and a nutritionist. Medications were managed by a primary psychiatrist with a secondary reviewing the treatment plan for agreement.

It was a long tough road to stability. A bunch of med changes and adjustments to find my “cocktail” and then to taper to the least amount of meds I could take to remain stabilized, combined with learning self-care and wellness techniques that worked for me to maintain balance, but once I hit that sweet spot it was golden.

I eventually moved away from that area and was able to follow up with PAs in my new location as I simply needed refills.

Then things started to get weird. First Covid hit and I began having occasional depressive episodes, but didn’t everyone? Normal situational response.
Then my dad passed. It was a traumatic situation with a nightmare hospitalization story that ended up with him being discharged prematurely and subsequently experiencing heart failure in my arms. He was resuscitated and went to ER where he was put on life support and we had him disconnected as per his written directions. I held him again while he passed. This caused a great deal of anxiety and PTSD. The provider I was seeing at that time through my EAP only did video visits, did not offer therapy and would only prescribe Hydroxyzine which simply made me drowsy.

I had Covid 4 times despite accepting vaccination plus a booster initially. My initial infection was at the onset of the pandemic and I was deathly ill. I took the vaccines under pressure as my mom has COPD and she is alone since dad passed with only me to help her and I didn’t want to risk getting her sick.

My 4th infection was just over a year ago and I didn’t recover. First my asthma which was previously asymptomatic unless I had a bad cold or flu became completely out of control resulting in multiple ER visits, many courses of oral steroids and steady home use of a nebulizer with zero ability to exert myself physically. After struggling for insurance coverage I was finally able to get relief with biweekly biologic injections, but the exertion fatigue didn’t improve. If I went to my office instead of working remote I would end up in bed for 1-2 days. I was then diagnosed with long Covid. My body has been hit everywhere by inflammatory disease, I have had emergency surgery, I am testing positive for autoimmune diseases which are being further tested currently, I’m undergoing heart tests…it totally stinks.
Then my work stress went through the roof, worse than it’s ever been. I was working 12+ hour days, not sleeping well, always miserable. I went for my refill appointment and almost got into a car crash then when I arrived my BP was high. So my provider refused to prescribe my Concerta that month and just stopped it cold turkey. It was awful. I couldn’t think, I was a cognitive disaster, I didn’t feel well, frustrated all the time. When I was hospitalized I didn’t receive my maintenance meds. They also prescribed meds that ended up pushing my seratonin high and I couldn’t sleep at all.

All of these things created the perfect storm and I ended up manic. Angry manic, lashing out at everyone. Puking out furious emotions a mile a minute to anyone in my vicinity, including my manager. My boyfriend pointed this out in complete exasperation when he couldn’t handle it any longer. I called my provider and asked for advice. He told me to increase my Sertraline. That’s when I knew I have a problem. This guy has no clue. I did not follow his advice. I know from my past that would push me higher in a minute. I’ve been trying to manage on my own until I can find someone new. I switched to rapid cycling for a bit and I’m now in a mixed episode. I am anxious and stressed, full of bad energy, can’t sleep and I cry all the time and can’t see anything good in the world. I would give my kingdom for an Ativan to calm this anxiety as that’s what worked way back but I haven’t had any for years.

Sorry for the novel! If you are still reading all this, this is my story and how I ended up here, hoping to find some support, folks who understand this painful struggle.

@AlwaysBattling welcome to MSF. I am sorry you have been battling mental illness for so long. That sounds like with that and long Covid you have really been through a lot.

I hope you find a psychiatrist that knows how to deal with cycling and can get you stable.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]

@AlwaysBattling That is a lot for anyone to deal with. I tried a few support sites years ago but they were mostly toxic. I'm new to MSF too but so far I'd say it's a lot better than everything else I've tried. I hope you find what you're looking for on here.

Welcome battling.

Welcome @AlwaysBattling

Thanks to all for the warm welcome.

To be honest it just feels good to be able to share with others who understand, people who may have some idea what it is like to feel so awful.

It’s the strangest thing for me because I know that much of what I feel and think right now isn’t real, that it is drastically over exaggerated interpretations of minor events or details, that everything is amplified currently beyond reason.

But knowing this doesn’t change the way these thoughts make me feel. Telling myself that a sad and painful reaction I am experiencing is an overreaction doesn’t make it less sad or painful in that moment.

The biggest benefit for me to having knowledge and understanding of what is happening is that I am able to control many of my impulses and understand some of the things I need to feel better.

I am staying hopeful that I will be able to find appropriate treatment soon. I found a center in my area that shows a number of providers in my network, of which two psychiatrists were profiled as specializing in Bipolar, so I sent an email explaining my situation and asking them to get in touch regarding scheduling me with an appropriate provider.

With any luck I will get a speedy response!

Welcome @AlwaysBattling. It's nice to see you here

Welcome, glad you found us.

I hope you get a response soon!

Sorry to hear you got long covid by the way. My husband got that after we both got covid in January 2020. He had heart problems and everything, had to go to the doctor, testing, etc. Luckily things resolved on their own and now he's fine.

Welcome to the forum.

Happy to hear your husband is better now!

I read an article while searching online that stated individuals who already had bipolar disorder were more susceptible to getting Covid infections.
There is just so much we don’t know about our brains already without throwing in this crazy virus.

Sadly I have made zero progress here. I have spent endless hours researching and have reached the conclusion that there is only for-profit one size fits all mental health treatment centers out here with a handful of individual psychiatrists with horrible patient ratings.

I had my regular visit with my current provider and it didn’t go well. I walked out furious and he actually called me later to discuss. Unfortunately that clinic is so overbooked and he doesn’t have the time, resources or support to provide what I need.

Maybe he is more capable than I thought but he simply is unable to spend the time required to understand my history, personal presentation, treatment experience, etc.
I need more right now and i simply have no idea where to get that. Even without considering any financial coverage concerns.

So discouraging. Just trying to hang in and do the best I can.

I hope you find what you are looking for!
People have been really supportive of me.
Good luck to you and be, careful of your choice of a new
PDOC(psychiatrist}.