Would Like to Hear From Those Who are Bi Polar or Support Those Who are

Hi, everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read this. This is part two of the other thread under Depression. Since I haven't heard from my friend. I had left off the part that, just before he went incommunicado, we started having a relationship. I'm thinking that he might be bi polar. I say that because he hasn't told me, but I've known other people who were, including a friend that I was in a relationship with for awhile. I've also talked about the new guy to a friend whose son is bi polar. She thinks that D probably is too.

I'm a stage 4 cancer patient, a multi abuse survivor & I had been in need of housing (until I moved in with one of my friends). For three months one of the local agencies put me up at a local motel. Before I stayed there my caseworker told me of another client who I had things in common with & that we'd probably make good friends. The funding ran out after three months, but D kept paying on his own for another few weeks. He didn't have any definite place to go after.

Over the time I was there D & I found that we were a lot alike. He also had had cancer & was in need of housing. We also shared some of the same trauma experiences, views, beliefs, interests. We mainly communicated by text. But, he was better at talking in person & by phone. A month after we had last seen each other we met up & our friendship developed into more.

He told me when we talked on the phone later that he believed we had the makings of a great relationship. That he was looking for a partner for the rest of his life. He's 66 & I'm 55. We grew closer over the next week. I asked him if he was surprised that our friendship had turned into a relationship. He said he wasn't. Because of our similarities it was inevitable. He believed that we had been brought together for a reason. I agreed. I felt we were to help each other heal & grow more. We've both done inner work.

Over the week I expressed some insecurity. It's one of the things I deal with. It's due to emotional abandonment growing up. It's gotten better. I told him how I felt & what I needed from him. He said that as long as we're honest & have compassion we'll be fine.

I know he was feeling stressed because he didn't know where he was going to be living. Unfortunately, the last few days we had contact his phone was acting up & he could only text. Which, as I mentioned, was not one of his strong suits. I couldn't see him in person because he didn't tell me where he was going to stay. A couple of days after I last saw him I stopped hearing from him.

I'm a life long depressive due to abuse. I also can get anxious at times. Both of those had really increased. Before our last contact I didn't know when I would be seeing him again. Even though he had assured me it would be most days because he'd be around filling out apps for places to live in this area. If he has been doing that, he hasn't reached out to me to meet. He hasn't reached out to me about anything.

My concern is I triggered him, unintentionally, by being insecure & needing reassurance. Of course, I know from past experience with my friend J that it didn't matter what I said or did. When he was at a certain point in his cycle, he'd push me away. My friends (especially the one whose son is bi polar) said that it was probably things going on with D, not me. That he was going from manic to depressive.

The thing is, though he told me he also deals with depression & anxiety, he never said anything about being bi polar. I suppose it's possible he's not aware of it. Or maybe he didn't feel he could tell me about it. It would have helped, though. Reflecting back on things he said & how he behaved, especially the week before he went MIA (since that's when we spent more time together), it would fit with him being bi polar.

Before feelings developed between us, I had been perfectly fine being on my own. Now I want to be in a committed relationship. But, only with him. Loving him the way I do is less about the wonderful things he said & how great he treated me & more to do with his energy. I have several friends I vibe well with, but he's the first person I've ever known that felt like home. Not having any idea if he's found a long term place to live, how is health is, if he's gotten a job or anything else is very upsetting.

Every few days I've left him a vm or sent a text or email. I did this for a month. Now I've stopped & the ball is in his court. I don't know if he's listened to or read any of the messages. I hope he has. I want us to be back together. For now, if nothing else, I just want to know he's ok. In the messages I don't cry, beg, yell, swear, berate, accuse, tell him I miss him, ask when I can hear from/see him. I tell him I'm sorry. I let him know I'm here for him. I remind him of the good things he's said & that we experienced together. What else can I do?

I'm so sorry you're going thru this, @GypsyButterfly. Romantic disappointments can be so painful. It sounds like you really felt an intense connection to this man, and it's understandable that you're in pain.

Mental illnesses of any kind complicate relationships exponentially. I've witnessed a lot of disastrous relationships amongst my mentally ill peers, even a couple who had an S pact that they followed thru with. Eee!

I'm 57 and haven't had a relationship since my ex-husband broke my heart at 29. I got a dog eleven years ago and i find she is a better companion than any man ever was. Sounds like your housing is too unstable for you to consider a pet at the moment, but something to consider for the future.

I have come to enjoy and treasure my independence. Spending my money exactly how i want, no negotiating on every little thing, no compromising. It was hard to change gears from being in a couple to being single again, but i would never go back.

I'm very sorry to hear about your cancer, too. That has to be tough. You've really been dealt a challenging hand. Best of luck with your health, and know that it's possible to enjoy being alone, and that a pet helps a lot.

It's been five weeks since I've heard from D. When I was with J he tried to end the relationship, pretty much every month. Because we lived next door to each other & I was persistent, that didn't happen. He's the only other bi polar person I've been romantically involved with. D pulling away for this long, is that typical? I realize it probably varies from person to person. Our relationship just started. To me it seems a long time without contacting me to at least let me know he's ok.

@JaneOnceMore

Thanks for sharing a little of your experience. I appreciate your care & concern. My housing is fine right now. I've been living with one of my friends for the past two months. We're helping each other. I'm very grateful. It was D who didn't have any definite options. Last I heard.

My friend has a kitty & I have a senior Chi mix. I had to take his brother in three months ago to have them help him cross. He was 16 & blind, which he managed. His dementia had gotten really bad. My two kitties are being fostered by a lady who I met through the shelter where I volunteer with the cats. I've been doing that going on eight years.

Until I started living with my friend, I had been on my own for four years. I wasn't seeking a relationship. But when D & my friendship developed into one, it just felt right. My mother had mental/emotional issues. Most of the people I was in relationships with did (some of those were also abusive in different ways), including my late ex husband. I've had some friends who've had them. I was support staff for developmentally challenged adults. Besides having depression & anxiety myself. My whole life I've been preparing (with those with a variety of conditions on different levels) for this moment with D. I just wish he'd reach out to me & let me know what's going on. We can go slow, if that's what he wants.

If he never said he was bipolar then don’t assume. A person going silent has nothing to do with being bipolar. There are many, many reasons under the sun why a person is scared of commitment. It doesn’t sound as if there’s anything further you can do. I’m sorry. It’s hard when someone doesn’t return the same level of romantic interest.

You're exactly right that bipolar varies from person to person. It exists on a spectrum. My current mild depression has lasted 18 months! When i moved to Vancouver years ago i left my belongings with a bipolar friend here, to send on to me when i had an address. Once i did, the friend was incommunicado for a month due to bipolar depression, and i had only the contents of the one suitcase i'd brought with me for a whole month.

The uncertainty was difficult to bear, as all uncertainty is, so i can sympathize with your distress over not hearing from your man for five weeks. It's lousy when people are not clear about their intentions, but life is complicated, and bipolar romance even more so, and i sure cannot tell you what is going on with your man. It's up to you whether you want to hang in there, or close the book on the relationship, and move on.

There's a lot of examples as to why I believe he's bi polar. I've known others who are, including someone else I was in a relationship with. My friend whose son is bi polar also feels that D is. He's the one that said he wanted a relationship with me. As I mentioned, at the time I last heard from him, he didn't have any definite options for permanent housing. He was stressed about that. Not everyone is going to announce from the get go that they have some mental/emotional condition.

@JaneOnceMore

I'm a lifelong depressive. Sometimes it hits extra hard. When it does. I only communicate when necessary. Mainly in person. Online, unless it's a really close friend, I can go quiet for weeks.

As I mentioned, I wasn't looking for a relationship. But his & my friendship developing into one felt right. As I also said, it's not just the wonderful things he told me or how great he was with me. It's is his energy. I have several friends I vibe on the same level with, but he's the first person whoever felt like home. That would be difficult to give up.

Our mutual caseworker hasn't heard from him. He was planning to reach out to the daughter. I guess she hasn't responded. I don't know why. Even if her dad hasn't been in communication with her, it would be nice for her to say so. I do know that they had had an estranged relationship. I don't know for how many years, though. I learned of that through the caseworker. He may not have known for how long either. Only that D & his daughter had gotten back in touch after he had gotten cancer.

A roomie my late ex & I had had was bi polar. Which apparently included paranoid delusional. She accused her partner, my late ex, myself, fam & friends of all sorts of things. She alienated people. Just like my late friend, J (who I had a relationship with for awhile). He was also bi polar. By the time he passed he only had three, maybe four friends. Because he pushed everyone else away. He tried to do that with me, but I stood my ground. Losing people is apparently a common thing for bi polar.

Have you heard anything?