So much for not fitting into the status qou

Apologies if this all comes off – well, a bit much. However, as I sit here thinking back over this last week, I cant help but to feel angry. Angry at the fact when someone is suffering so profoundly, dealing with so much pain and torment (all unseen) on the inside. Yet any time you reach out for help you're altogether met with only indifference, belittlement/ ridicule, if not avoided like the plague for having something in which you never wanted (or asked for for that matter).

Growing up in my house, one learned quickly, complaining is not an option. For if you were found doin such – well, just like whats mentioned above, you're met with indifference, ridicule or simply swept under the rug and forgotten (as the old saying goes; out of sight/ out of mind (at least thats what it felt like anyways)

And once I learned my dad was an army brat in my 20s, with him casting a giant shadow of his own (one in which I can never seem to escape from), I did my best to try and not let any of my symptoms show. And if I had a moment of weakness, you were simply told to grow a pair and man up.

I've lived my entire life taking what life threw at me. Kept my mouth shut and just kept on pushing forward. Yet being right around the corner from 50 is when the flood gates (of all that'd never been dealt with) opened up upon trying to file for disability... Yet here I still am facing nothing more than indifference and belittlement from those who were supposed to be there for you when times get rough – family (feeling more like the plague/ to be avoided at all costs/ made to feel like I'm not even supposed have these diagnosis' - which I never wanted or asked for in the first place).

I spent my entire life dealing with these issues – silently - when they would rear their ugly heads, back before I was properly diagnosed. And Ive spent my entire life seeing just what these issues cause others from watching tv shows and movies. And, have spent a large part of my life trying – not - to be “that person” to the few people who are in my life (as I spend ungodly amounts of time remaining isolated and alone - all bcuz I try to save others from having to deal with someone such as myself when I am at my worst)....

So I isolate; been so long I honestly dont know anything else.

Back in 2023 (if I remember correctly – apologies there, as I've spent the last only God knows how long – guessing a couple years now, being completely enveloped and drowning in the depths of one of the worst depressions Ive experienced in life so far), however, I attempted filing for disability . After gathering and going through all my mental health records, it took me 3 months to fill out the first packet of papers (due to the flood gates opening up and pretty much being a basket case for the next 11months)

Yet here I am with my dad, which needing to get involved in an attempt to help (which has honestly caused more problems than solved, yet I digress), as my dyslexia makes it extremely difficult trying to fill out paper work like this. Yet the main problem Im faced with here is that, any time I try to even so much as even think about all this disability stuff, is when I find myself altogether clamming and freezing up. Which is where I go into what I am calling shutdown mode, trying desperately to keep these flood gates from opening back up (only to be washed away and lost at sea, as the raging waters over take me once they do).

Yet my dad, being a business man for 50yrs of his life, cannot seem to understand any of this (nor does he really even have the patience or even wants to deal with it – not that he should have to deal with it, given his age). He feels, seeings how a lot of whats happened to me (with all the trauma in my life) has happened to him, he feels that I should be able to be more like him and man up and just do what needs to be done.

The reason I am sharing all this is bcuz, they (my dad and his wife) came back from their vacation last week, and the very next day he's wanting to talk about all this disability stuff. Mind you, while I did my best to dodge and weave around (tryin not to engage with him on) the topic and all his questions. After leaving the room, however, I (quite literally) found myself trying my best to keep my head above water, so to speak, for the next 3 days.

The level of anxiety which hit me, like being behind the wheel slamming into a brick wall going 200mph, once he brought up finishing filling out the disability papers. Self loathing abound, along with struggling to hold onto what little control I had left dealing with the crippling anxiety, on top of bawling my eyes out for pretty much 2 days straight.

All bcuz I am a failure. I cant even handle filling out paper work for crying out loud.

Granted, I worked and held down a job for 30yrs, yet that was only bcuz I was working for family. And thrust me when I say this, working for family is NOT any easier working for a complete stranger.

Yet I could sit here and list all the reasons why my life is the way It is/ why I live the way in which I do (as I am emphatically well versed on the subject of pain and long suffering). Yet when all is said and done at the end of the day, I'm just so tired of not being seen or valued as an actual human being.

Why is it others (who don't suffer with such dx's) have to make those of us that do, feel like less than the dirt they walk on? Like they've got better things to do than deal with or listen to anything you have to say (especially when you're in dire straits).

I had to break down today, after spending 3 days lost in all this abyss, and tell my dad that he's timing is impeccable. And that I am sorry if this isn't what he wishes to hear (as he is more of a doer/ one that gets things done in life), however, I just spent the last 3 days lost, trying my damnedest to pull myself back together out of the depths. I wish I could deal with all this disability stuff, however, I just cant (each time I try I end up breaking down and falling apart - overwhelmed with all the traumatic thing which is right there in front of me in black in white in the records).

I further tried to explain my position, yet never once did he look up from his phone - never once did he say anything after I was done speaking. As it was his wife's next choice of words that broke the awkward silence, saying, “changing the subject”, with her wanting to talk about gardening (never mind her sad attempt at joking around with my dad, telling him he should have learned to stop after having the first, or even the second child....... being beyond beside myself, shocked and appalled at her choice of words, I simply got up and walked out of the room).

I want so much to be normal in this life. Want so much to not have simply things (which others are able) be so difficult, like filling out paper work or even being out in public.

Apologies for sharing all this, however, as I find myself usually telling what few friends I have left; feeling beyond defeated/ unseen and unwanted. all I wish and hope or anymore in this life is to simply expire peacefully in my sleep (as this is a cruel world for those who don't fit the status quo)