So much for not fitting into the status qou

Apologies if this all comes off – well, a bit much. However, as I sit here thinking back over this last week, I cant help but to feel angry. Angry at the fact when someone is suffering so profoundly, dealing with so much pain and torment (all unseen) on the inside. Yet any time you reach out for help you're altogether met with only indifference, belittlement/ ridicule, if not avoided like the plague for having something in which you never wanted (or asked for for that matter).

Growing up in my house, one learned quickly, complaining is not an option. For if you were found doin such – well, just like whats mentioned above, you're met with indifference, ridicule or simply swept under the rug and forgotten (as the old saying goes; out of sight/ out of mind (at least thats what it felt like anyways)

And once I learned my dad was an army brat in my 20s, with him casting a giant shadow of his own (one in which I can never seem to escape from), I did my best to try and not let any of my symptoms show. And if I had a moment of weakness, you were simply told to grow a pair and man up.

I've lived my entire life taking what life threw at me. Kept my mouth shut and just kept on pushing forward. Yet being right around the corner from 50 is when the flood gates (of all that'd never been dealt with) opened up upon trying to file for disability... Yet here I still am facing nothing more than indifference and belittlement from those who were supposed to be there for you when times get rough – family (feeling more like the plague/ to be avoided at all costs/ made to feel like I'm not even supposed have these diagnosis' - which I never wanted or asked for in the first place).

I spent my entire life dealing with these issues – silently - when they would rear their ugly heads, back before I was properly diagnosed. And Ive spent my entire life seeing just what these issues cause others from watching tv shows and movies. And, have spent a large part of my life trying – not - to be “that person” to the few people who are in my life (as I spend ungodly amounts of time remaining isolated and alone - all bcuz I try to save others from having to deal with someone such as myself when I am at my worst)....

So I isolate; been so long I honestly dont know anything else.

Back in 2023 (if I remember correctly – apologies there, as I've spent the last only God knows how long – guessing a couple years now, being completely enveloped and drowning in the depths of one of the worst depressions Ive experienced in life so far), however, I attempted filing for disability . After gathering and going through all my mental health records, it took me 3 months to fill out the first packet of papers (due to the flood gates opening up and pretty much being a basket case for the next 11months)

Yet here I am with my dad, which needing to get involved in an attempt to help (which has honestly caused more problems than solved, yet I digress), as my dyslexia makes it extremely difficult trying to fill out paper work like this. Yet the main problem Im faced with here is that, any time I try to even so much as even think about all this disability stuff, is when I find myself altogether clamming and freezing up. Which is where I go into what I am calling shutdown mode, trying desperately to keep these flood gates from opening back up (only to be washed away and lost at sea, as the raging waters over take me once they do).

Yet my dad, being a business man for 50yrs of his life, cannot seem to understand any of this (nor does he really even have the patience or even wants to deal with it – not that he should have to deal with it, given his age). He feels, seeings how a lot of whats happened to me (with all the trauma in my life) has happened to him, he feels that I should be able to be more like him and man up and just do what needs to be done.

The reason I am sharing all this is bcuz, they (my dad and his wife) came back from their vacation last week, and the very next day he's wanting to talk about all this disability stuff. Mind you, while I did my best to dodge and weave around (tryin not to engage with him on) the topic and all his questions. After leaving the room, however, I (quite literally) found myself trying my best to keep my head above water, so to speak, for the next 3 days.

The level of anxiety which hit me, like being behind the wheel slamming into a brick wall going 200mph, once he brought up finishing filling out the disability papers. Self loathing abound, along with struggling to hold onto what little control I had left dealing with the crippling anxiety, on top of bawling my eyes out for pretty much 2 days straight.

All bcuz I am a failure. I cant even handle filling out paper work for crying out loud.

Granted, I worked and held down a job for 30yrs, yet that was only bcuz I was working for family. And thrust me when I say this, working for family is NOT any easier working for a complete stranger.

Yet I could sit here and list all the reasons why my life is the way It is/ why I live the way in which I do (as I am emphatically well versed on the subject of pain and long suffering). Yet when all is said and done at the end of the day, I'm just so tired of not being seen or valued as an actual human being.

Why is it others (who don't suffer with such dx's) have to make those of us that do, feel like less than the dirt they walk on? Like they've got better things to do than deal with or listen to anything you have to say (especially when you're in dire straits).

I had to break down today, after spending 3 days lost in all this abyss, and tell my dad that he's timing is impeccable. And that I am sorry if this isn't what he wishes to hear (as he is more of a doer/ one that gets things done in life), however, I just spent the last 3 days lost, trying my damnedest to pull myself back together out of the depths. I wish I could deal with all this disability stuff, however, I just cant (each time I try I end up breaking down and falling apart - overwhelmed with all the traumatic thing which is right there in front of me in black in white in the records).

I further tried to explain my position, yet never once did he look up from his phone - never once did he say anything after I was done speaking. As it was his wife's next choice of words that broke the awkward silence, saying, “changing the subject”, with her wanting to talk about gardening (never mind her sad attempt at joking around with my dad, telling him he should have learned to stop after having the first, or even the second child....... being beyond beside myself, shocked and appalled at her choice of words, I simply got up and walked out of the room).

I want so much to be normal in this life. Want so much to not have simply things (which others are able) be so difficult, like filling out paper work or even being out in public.

Apologies for sharing all this, however, as I find myself usually telling what few friends I have left; feeling beyond defeated/ unseen and unwanted. all I wish and hope or anymore in this life is to simply expire peacefully in my sleep (as this is a cruel world for those who don't fit the status quo)

1, find a disability lawyer. 2, any "mistakes" you make filling out the forms due to your dyslexia will most likely only work in your favor.

Buck up, buckaroo, you are among friends here.

That's all awful. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of that. Don't feel bad about the paperwork thing. It's hard to get anything done or think straight when you're that depressed and anxious. Are you on any meds? Do you have a pdoc?

I can somewhat relate to the situation you have with your dad and my own parents and my own family dynamics. One time my mom told me anxiety disorders don't exist. (LOL. Whatever Mom) Another time my dad told me that depression is those that live in the past. And once, after I was IP, my sister said she just couldn't deal with me.

So, my family doesn't deal well with mental illness. We don't talk about things that are "hard".

My husband, daughter, and my mother-in-law are great however.

Anyway, so be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself.

(((Hugs)))

I am sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I had trouble filling out the paperwork for disability too. Every time i would get organized i would move and the paperwork would go missing. I found it very helpful to hire a lawyer. I see you are in Alaska, so i guess that's an obstacle too, being so isolated, not many lawyers around.

I got mine thru legal aid, but i am Canadian and it was private disability, and this was 25 years ago. He had everything settled in eight months. He was like a magician! Guy really changed my life, and i'm happy i got the opportunity to tell him. I found it a really good experience. We did everything long-distance as i moved while he was working on the case. It can be done!

You're not alone in finding the disability application challenging. We have a member here, a guy like you, who is have struggles too. It can be hard to get anything done while depressed. Hopefully he will chime in. He's not a regular member but i will send him a private message asking him to respond to you.

Family is hard. Relationships between fathers and sons seem to be particularly difficult. I'm a woman so i was spared the experience myself, but i watched my dad destroy my favorite brother.

I compliment you on the excellence of your writing, however! You are a very good writer and i am surprised to hear you have dyslexia. You may have been writing about how bad you feel, but you did a good job of doing it!

It actually does not matter in the US. Disability (SSDI) law is a federal law. You do not have to have a lawyer from your state of residence. I already offered to OP to refer him to a fantastic lawyer with a huge practice in San Jose, CA. That lawyer can help a resident of Alaska just fine. It is not like, say, divorce, where you have to be represented by a lawyer licensed in your state.

In 2016 or 2017 I was inpatient and had a wonderful psychiatry resident who since then has finished residency and stayed in the area as a practicing psychiatrist in a large clinic. She herself has an anxiety disorder. She mentioned that people without such disorders take for granted stuff, like, showing up for work every day. But if you have crippling anxiety, simple things (simple for others) are made difficult and you complete many impressive feats just getting through an ordinary day.

You need such friends and practitioners in your life who understand it.

Pat yourself on the back for doing what you have been doing, and, of course, get a lawyer ASAP. I am actually quite surprised that your dad, being the doer that he is, still has not realized that you need a lawyer.

It is also important that the lawyer who helps you seeks the right EOD (established onset date) of when your disability actually began so that you can get back payments.

Thank you all for taking the time to not only read my rather long post here, but also taking the time to reply back, as well as the huggs from everyone else... Apologies, however, for it taking a bit of time to logging back in on this site. Been struggling a bit of late with good old depression (gotta love it - not).


Raspberrytorte, most of my family is like that, in fact. Sorry to hear that yours does the same. My uncle (before passing away), who has absolutely no patience whatsoever for mental diagnosis', went as far as to tell me (though this wasnt directed at me, but still) that he would load the gun and pull the trigger, if, someone wasnt able to get their crap together and just wants to remain depressed (wanting for it to all end). A week before 2017 Xmas, in fact, bcuz he got woke up by something i was doing in my apartment (as I rented from him), he met me out on the front porch Likewise, my family are real gems when it comes to these types of health issues (no patience or understanding whatsoever). Genuine sympathy (((huggs)))


JaneOnceMore,mentally speaking, this has to be (quite literally) one of the hardest things Ive had the horrible misfortune of experiencing, albeit doing, in my life to date. My hat is off to anyone who can navigate and traverse through these disability waters, bcuz lets face it, if my life depended on me doing this? Yaaaaa, lets just say my avoidant side of me would end up doing just that - avoiding this like the plague. Aside from all that, while I have done a lot of writing through the decades (only amateur/ novice attempts to be honest, I simply try and write whats on my mind or from the heart. Ive thought about sharing some of my work on this site (shared some of my photography at one time, yet have sense removed it. What can I say, im am my own worst critic. Nevertheless, thank you so much for the compliment.



In relation to what, both, Unaluna and Tart Cherry Jam are suggesting. I greatly appreciate the advice, however, I honestly don't know If this is something I'll be able to do at this time. Maybe when Im able to pull myself back up out of all the depths (/hangs head low - why does this have to be so difficult)?...


Tart Cherry Jam, you are more than welcome to share the information (about the lawyers) if you like though. I just don't know when, if at all, I'll be able to venture down that road. Might just end up closing the case altogether, as i find it far too crippling and defeating anytime the topic even so much as gets brought up. Been even considering as i simply do not fit in anywhere in this world. And to be 1000% honest, being surrounded by others (mainly family) who remind you of your faults and weaknesses - well, just wish I was never born is all. Apologies if this is a tough read, however, and if its triggered anyone reading it. This is why I do my best to stay so isolated and alone anymore. No one wants to hear or deal with any of this

Thank you all again though. Having anyone read of reply back to anything Ive posted means more to me than you know. As I always refer to myself as anymore, I am the ghost which languidly drifts through a crowded room, unseen and unwanted.

I am not clear why you cannot engage a lawyer who will take it all off your chest. You will not qualify for euthanasia. You need to get in touch with reality. As someone has noted above, you write very well, but thr flipside of it is that your verbal prowess creates its own world in which you live. And that is not reality. You need to spend at least some of your waking hours being in touch with reality.

@KasperBlue maybe it would help clarify your situation if you describe how you are surviving financially now. There are many people on this board who are SSDI recipients and who depend on this income. It is not discretionary but vital income to them. There is also a separate forum https://mysupportforums.org/insurance-and-finances/ which is partially dedicated to SSDI and you can peruse it for resources and to read about experiences of fellow sufferers. From how you have been putting off all matters SSDI, it appears that you do not depend on this potential stream of income. Is this a fair description? You worked in the past for, did you say 30 years? You earned your right to SSDI. You paid into the system. The I in SSDI means insurance. It is not government aid. It is insurance payments and you paid taxes, essentially insurance premiums, for your coverage. Now that affliction befell you, you need to leverage resources in order to obtain the coverage for which you paid taxes. I hope this reminder that you paid taxes and are not trying to get governmental assistance for free will prompt you to take action to claim your benefits.