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KasperBlue
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Default May 15, 2024 at 08:59 AM
  #1
I honestly don't know how to start this here at this very moment (that and I hope all this makes sense upon reading).

I would like to start off my saying; I am sorry I dont post more (is that smthing I should feel bad about? I honestly dont know anymore) or interact with others like others do on this site. Ive spent so much of my life so utterly lost in extreme isolation, it could be argued that my people skills/ bed side manner isn't the best at this stage in my life.

So I deeply apologize to anyone who has ever found the energy to not only read, but has also taken the time to comment on any of my posts in the past (and thank you as well for finding that same energy and taking the time to read this here), as I tend to get overwhelmed and triggered quite a bit in life. And with that, I try my best to battle these inner demons within myself (altogether succumbing to deep overwhelming, emphatic, soul-crushing depression).

I am sharing this simply bcuz (after spending the last decade being all over the place, utterly beside myself lost and drowning in this inner turmoil), after having a good cry , I feel like there just has to be more to life than this – isn't there?

That along with wanting to ask, albeit beg the question, how do you start life all over again at 50 (when you have absolutely no sense of direction, along with no clue/ no idea where to begin)?

These last few weeks Ive felt hopeful, however, here and there that feeling altogether gets dashed and falls by the wayside, as the bittersweet self-loathing takes over (its honestly been more of a “rinse and repeat/ love-hate thing” for as long as I can remember tbh, yet I digress).

That being said, however, I sat here for the last hour (or so) combing the internet for Options (any kind of option which might work really). Even considered reaching out to a life/ career coach. Yet what exactly would you say in relation to your current (altogether bleak) living situation? That you're stuck, lost, while having absolutely no real life or work skills (never mind the every day cumbersome/ taxing mental health diagnoses you find yourself struggling with), or is that too much tmi, I wonder?

As I attempted telling a friend of mine (the only person who will talk and interact with me /anymore these days, though, I feel sorry for them putting up with me) “the simplest way I can describe the way I feel right now (while feeling so beyond overwhelmed) is like one million stress balls, all bouncing off every wall and every single surface within this room. All while trying my utmost best not giving into falling apart and sobbing uncontrollably (hugging myself as I violently shake, as I seek solace rocking back and forth)”.

And yet the only thing I found myself wanting in that very moment was the song by Natalie Merchant – My Skin (as the tears began to fall from my face).

(So much as happened (long before covid ever came into our world) over the decades, all while never having a single person to truly turn to, while doing what Ive always done, simply shove it deep down/ bottle it all up, suck it up and continue onward.

Yet this world doesnt seem to care much for that which is broken (or so it seems to me anyways, given my traumatic experiences in life)? You're just supposed to pick yourself back up by the proverbial boot straps, and yeah, continue on continuing on.)

Yet again, I cant help but beg the question, once your life has altogether fallen apart around you, losing the job you've worked at for the last 30yrs, losing everything really, as your everyday life feels like nothing more than a chaotic yo-yo/ roller coaster ride from hell, how do you start life over again at this age in life (all things considered)?

I attempted applying for disability not too long ago, however, wasnt able to stomach the whole process without continuing to drown in this abyss, along side the endlessly waiting. So ya, Ive since canceled all that, nevertheless, here I sit trying my best to hold unto hope, what little hope there is left (even though I feel and am convinced im beyond hopeless).

Again, I do apologize for rambling on so much here (I dont get out much anymore in my defense). Yet I guess the question I trying to ask here (aside from what I alrdy have) is – is turning to a life/ career coach the right option? And if so, can a life/ career coach even help someone such as myself, what would you even say/ what do you not say (as so not to overshare) - is this even a possibility or am I simply grasping at unattainable straws here?

(hangs head low)
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Default May 15, 2024 at 11:32 AM
  #2
It's nice to see you. You don't sound as well as you did before tho. I've never tried a life coach, but i tried a career coach once and didn't find it helpful. I hope things work out for you. I like Natalie Merchant too!
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Default May 15, 2024 at 12:59 PM
  #3
Depression takes away the tools you need to fight back

And stress and anxiety make it hard to think clearly

First off, please quit talking poorly of yourself.

Is there help you can access for depression and anxiety? Are meds or a change in meds an option?

What kind of things are you looking at for career and work?

Inside or outside?

Working with people of alone?

How physical do you want your work to be?

Are you near a major centre or more remote?

Is seasonal work an option?


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Default May 15, 2024 at 01:39 PM
  #4
is there vocational rehabilitaton where you live.? they can help!

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Default May 15, 2024 at 01:46 PM
  #5
You have no need to apologize for not posting a lot. I think a case manager or a lawyer would help you out with the disability process if that’s what you need. If you want to dip your toes into working after too there’s ticket to work which will let you keep your benefits while having an income for a bit.

I had a friend once that was a life coach and he makes miracles happen for some people and knows what will work and what won’t. He kinda treated me as a client which he wasn’t supposed to do and said he wouldn’t but it was helpful and his knowledge of the system and being friends with local EMS saved my life. It’s worth a try if you’re interested.

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Default May 15, 2024 at 02:27 PM
  #6
I'm 40. If I was starting over my first stop would be vocational rehab, second stop HUD. Vocational rehab will help you get a job. HUD has the family self sufficiency program which helps get bills in order and off assistance in 5 years while building up some extra cash. They also in some areas have house buying programs. My husband is thinking about going back to school at 42. At 50 you still have about 15 years of working left. But first you have to get your depression and anxiety treated.

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Default May 16, 2024 at 06:10 PM
  #7
I'm early 50s and very much relate to your story.

We need to have our basic needs met first before we can think of self-actualization (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs).

I'm looking for a basic job, then I will think of starting some kind of business...
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Default May 16, 2024 at 08:56 PM
  #8
Will reply soon with more info.... Admittedly, however, (please bear with me here, as) im a bit overwhelmed atm, as to why this is simply a "quick reply"
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Default May 17, 2024 at 05:36 PM
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Thank you JaneOnceMore. Yeah, I fear the effort put into something will only be wasted time and effort, as even with therapy nothing has helped. Highly doubt anything will work out or change, but thx.

RDMercer - depression has been my entire life experience (aside from seeking solace in escapism with drinking for 15yrs (been sober for give or take 10 to 11yrs now though). And yes, indeed, I could not agree more with what you've shared in relation to stress and anxiety. That being said, however, how exactly does one “quit talking, albeit thinking, poorly or negatively about one's self, when, their existence is nothing but just that – simply existing from one day to the next – lost, in endless extreme isolation? To answer your question “is there help you can access for depression and anxiety”, I have been in and out of therapy since I was 17y/o, and with that, nothing (and I truly mean NOTHING) has helped – whatsoever. As for your other line of questions, cant say I really, say, I am “looking at any career or work” at this time. I don't mean to imply that I am not trying to search for something, there honestly hasnt been a day (in the last 20yrs) I havent been lookin for something. Yet how does one sale themselves (in the interview process) when you've altogether been beaten down in this life, where you've been diagnosed with all these issues (like bipolar, borderline personality disorder, complex-ptsd, dissociate identity disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety) and still try to “find you place” among the masses? Unfortunately, however, I was injured in my last job, by trying to stop a bar fight no less, and have a difficult time walking or even standing for too long anymore. So to answer that question (as the old country song goes) I Ain't As Good As I Once Was, not able to be as physical as I once was able.

HALLIEBETH87 - I believe there is v-rehab's here in my home town. And, I was at one time in the process of getting set up with one. However, being out in public anymore (guessing due to my past experiences) is just not as easy for me as it is for others. But ya, I will more than likely have to psych myself up enough to reach out again, and see if v-rehab can be any help.

Thank you MuddyBoots, however, I don't think this (applying for disability) is something I will be able to do. I spent a little over a year going through all the processes, going over all my records, filling out all the paperwork – and yeah, I find myself having to crawl back out of the pit of despair each and every single time I had to deal with any of that. And that alone, the crawling out of said pit, was not only (beyond) soul-crushing, but so utterly mentally and emotionally exhausting. Just seemed like dying in my sleep would have solved a lot of problems. I am still on the fence in reaching out to a life coach, however, as my situation isn't all that easy to deal with (or understand for that matter, yet I wont bore anyone here with all that)

Victoria'smom - I wish it was “that easy” to simply get the depression and anxiety treated.

TheGal - what are these “basic needs” in which you speak of (sarcastically asking, so forgive me if that comes out/ off wrong here). I've never had a support system, never had anyone to turn to/ talk with (no one that would stick around for long anyways). Even in the job I worked at for 30yrs, the idea of ones basic needs is such a foreign concept to me, as it seems everyone else had a right to “have a bad day” or “be in need of something”. Yet when it came to me, I was just thrown aside and forgotten about. I would absolutely love (wholeheartedly) to be able to work a basic job at this point. Starting a business, however, seems more like a pipe dream for me though, as I highly doubt I would be able to handle all the stress that is associated and comes with it.
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Default May 19, 2024 at 10:50 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by KasperBlue View Post
TheGal - what are these “basic needs” in which you speak of (sarcastically asking, so forgive me if that comes out/ off wrong here). I've never had a support system, never had anyone to turn to/ talk with (no one that would stick around for long anyways). Even in the job I worked at for 30yrs, the idea of ones basic needs is such a foreign concept to me, as it seems everyone else had a right to “have a bad day” or “be in need of something”. Yet when it came to me, I was just thrown aside and forgotten about. I would absolutely love (wholeheartedly) to be able to work a basic job at this point. Starting a business, however, seems more like a pipe dream for me though, as I highly doubt I would be able to handle all the stress that is associated and comes with it.
It's Sunday morning. Have you heard this Kris Kristofferson tune?



He wrote some great songs.

I think you might want to try working with an occupational therapist. Rather than a life coach, at this juncture.

I have other suggestions, but will come back later, as I have to get going now....

So sorry for your suffering... maybe I shouldn't have posted the song, but I thought it might be a way for you to know that you're not alone.

I'm so scared for my next steps... terrified tbh...

Maybe through peer support, we can help each other.

Have you thought about checking out heypeers.com? They might be able to direct you to getting the assistance you need.
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Default May 21, 2024 at 12:44 AM
  #11
@TheGal I have not heard many of Kris Kristofferson's songs. Although I should have by now, considering i was a DJ for some 30yrs. While I cant remember a single movie he's ever been in, I used to like watching him growing up.

Did you know he was a very smart individual, up there with the likes of Albert Einstein and such? Watched a YT video on him the other week. It was said that instead of going down the road of being a scientist and whatnot, he turned to country music instead, resonating and getting to know Johnny Cash and all the other country singers. I thought that was rather quite interesting.


I have absolutely no idea what a "occupational therapist" is, or what all that would entail. To be 1000% honest here, due to my traumatic childhood I was never really taught any life skills. Only thing i was good for (or so it seemed) was to be at my mothers beck-and-call, that or there to be her proverbial punching bag whenever she was hung-over or angry bout something. Aside from that, i was always told to go play out in the street, along with spending a lot of time isolated and alone in a room.


In regards to you other suggestions, at this point in life, I am all ears. Bcuz yeah, as Ive stated before, I am a fairly isolated person (feeling stuck and trapped within these four walls).


Eh, i came to terms in my mid teens "pain is a part of life". Once one is able to accept that and learn "the dance", the better off one will be. Only my logic and opinion there though, as everyone is different. You're fine with posting the song, in fact thank you. That is all I listen to and can relate with anymore, are sad/ depressing songs. I understand that music is there to either help pick us up or motivate ya, however, when all there has been is one bad/ traumatic thing to the next, I simply feel more of what a sad song is conveying vs the opposite (that's just me though).


I don't mean to sound like a broken record here, however, what is this "peer support" in which you speak of? Granted, I have tried reaching out on other forums/ support sites in the past. Yet have gotten very little back in the way of what you might call "support". More often than not, been told (more than I care to remember tbh) "that's just apart of life" - to, "bad things happen, get over it already" - or one of my favorites (<--pure sarcasm there btw) "you're not the only one with problems", as if i did not know that already. Yet when all is said and done, what can ya do (/shrugs)?

I have not heard of heypeers.com. Thank you, though, for the suggestion. I will def check it out

That being said, however, thank you again for taking the time to read and reply back to my post here. Hope you, and everyone else on this site, are having a blessed and wonderful day.
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Default Yesterday at 10:40 AM
  #12
I didn't know that about Kristofferson... thanks for sharing.

Have you checked out heypeers.com, yet? For a nominal fee, you can get one-on-one with a peer supporter; otherwise, it's a great place to find out what's available to you and to connect you to resources.

What do you think?

Here's another link to check out. You can participate in online meetings. Apparently the Boston bipolar group is very good: DBSA - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

How are you doing these days?

I'm not sure whether you're in a rural or city setting, but there's a lot offered on Zoom...

Also, see whether you can get connected with an occupational therapist.
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