Bipolar Check-in #80

I'm out of options at this point. I've tried different OTC pain meds. Zofran. Dramamine. Align. Tums with nausea relief. And I still am in a lot of pain. I took some melatonin so I can try to relax. I'm supposed to be going on a trip for the 4th of July but I'm not sure.

Oh yeah, and I tried a couple peppermints. Which worked great until they were gone.

Idk if I took too much. The only thing I ate was a breakfast sandwhich at 7:30.

Sorry for the tmi. When I went to the bathroom it was pretty pale with some weird looking stuff in it. I am worried I have colon cancer.

Oh great now I have anxiety diarrhea, on the night before I travel! Imodium and I are besties at the moment.

Oh and I have a hemeroid from all the bowel activity. Geez.

@Mountaindewed, that stuff you saw is probably mucous since there was nothing to poop out.

@Mountaindewed

Have you tried drinking ginger lemon tea? Ginger lemon tea and I have become besties these past few days.

Not sure about the weird looking stuff, but I have pale poop because of an inability to produce bile. I'd assume if your stool is consistently pale it'd be either liver or gallbladder not producing/not releasing the bile.

wtf is wrong with me?

I kind of wonder that about myself sometimes too, as of late.

I'm glad America is free enough to have debates like the one we saw tonight. You have a good thing going with a great democracy, let's hope it stays that way.

Today was pretty good. I got more done today than I have in awhile. I'll be seeing my mom the next few days, which can trigger symptoms, so I'm trying to manage the anxiety connected to this. I just filled my risperidone today though so I've got what I need to try to manage if symptoms pop up (it's hard for me to tell if I have symptoms today or am just in such a better mood today that it feels weird).

Filling meds is weird. My lamotrigine automatically refills every month, without me having to do anything. It sounds like me pdoc doesn't have to do anything either so I don't know what's up with that. But, with my risperidone increase, the pharmacist had to talk to me about the increased dose and then asked if I was still on Wellbutrin before giving me the risperidone. Maybe, because it says take 1.5 of a 2 mg tablet daily? It's not a big deal to have to confirm the change-it's good they double check what they have is correct-it's just interesting to me that one refills all by itself while another gets looked into. I suppose one being a mood stabilizer and one being an antipsychotic might have something to do with it.

My therapist told me Tuesday that he is having his hip replaced and will be out for an undetermined time. Today I got text messages cancelling 2 appointments. Unfortunately I'm on vacation the week before his first time off so it's inevitably going to be a while without seeing him. I'm really scared of that. I didn't do well missing a week. I know I can see another therapist and he said we may be able to zoom after he's had some time to start to heal but it's going to be some time without him. And that scares me. I'll also miss my pdoc appointment during that time because I'll be on vacation so I'm really going to have to be tough and get through this. I just wish they hadn't sent the texts about him being out today...it's made me more anxious. But I know not all of his clients could possibly know already so they neede to let people know. I get it, it's just stressful. I've been seeing him 18 years and so not seeing him for potentially weeks is a big change.

I didn't watch the debate because I didn't feel like watching that shyt show, but I heard some of it because Husband was watching it on his phone. I heard Trump mention something about letting in dangerous people from mental institutions and how they were getting Medicare...

He DID NOT seriously go there, did he?! I hope I heard wrong, but according to Husband I didn't. Now I'm FREAKING THE FUKK OUT. Because of course my anxious mind is going hay wire. I'm on, "Fukk. He's going to get reelected. He's going to perpetuate the stigma already applied to the mentally ill. I'm ON SSDI and Medicare. He's going to put some law in place where mental illness isn't something covered by SSI and SSDI and I'll lose it and be FUKKED..."

And so on.

I'm going to start crying.

WHY are people so SCARED of us?! We're not scary! I SAVE spiders for PETE'S SAKE!!! I wouldn't hurt anyone, and I know none of you on here would either. When I get psychotic I want to SAVE the world and HELP people, not HURT people!!!! The only person I've ever wanted to hurt is myself. Husband isn't afraid of me. Daughter isn't afraid of me. She innocently told her friends about my illness and now her fukking friends are scared of me and she doesn't understand why. Sure some mentally ill people are violent, but so are the sane. It's not EVERYONE.

Ugh. I'm just so upset.

😭 😭 😭 😭

Catastrophizing again like I usually do. I am going on this trip with my boyfriend in October and I keep fearing something will happen with his children that everything will get ruined. They are very much dependent on him because the mother is just not in the picture. I mean she's there but just doesn't give a damn, and everything always falls on his shoulders. I am anxious about it, and I don't usually get anxiety.

Just in a mood. I spent like four hours putting together a Lego Flower set that looks really nice, and it was fun doing, but damn it took me forever to do it. I had a really good day today at work and a couple of really good conversations with friends. I am really excited about my trip, its still four months away, I just don't want to get all "end of the world disaster" about things that might not even happen. *Shrug*

I watched the debate. I was so disappointed. Getting rid of our car on Monday. Scrapping it for $275 it costed more to tow it to the mechanic and get it situated. We owe our friend $300 for when it got towed last week. We are slowly drowning. Haven't paid our CC in two months. Just happy our bills are going down.

Debate was a articulate lies vs inarticulate statements. At this point US politics is a joke to me. I'll vote, yeah, but I'm going to fully accept either outcome. Doesn't mean I'm not going to get a kick out of pointing out the stupidity of extremists on either side though (I am kind of afraid of the cult member proud boys/6MWE pricks though). I kinda want to profit off the extremism and start an Etsy business making offensive political coloring books though. I won't because I wouldn't know where I'd choose to buy a nice house in the woods on a big plot of land though

In other news, went to the park today and will bring back the one foot avatar just with trail runners and PJ pants. Eventually. Not motivated enough to do the downloading crap right now.

I feel like I'm the reason people are scared of us. I mean, bipolar doesn't make me violent or scary or anything. It's not even PTSD or BPD. Anytime I'm violent is more my dad (aka people like THEM) raised me in a way that reinforced violent behavior and extreme attempts to get needs fulfilled, and I am still trying to unlearn that. Once people see you have a label though, everything you do is attributed to that.

I didn't watch the debate either. The thought of another Trump presidency panics me too.

I don't get violent either when psychotic, I just think I have all the solutions to save the world and all the people in it. I spout crazy stuff, but I don't want to hurt anybody and the only danger I am is to myself.

I watched the debate while puking and saw it was turning into a **** show so I went to bed.
I've gotten 2 spam texts from Trump today about how he swept the floor with Biden.
I went out this morning to pick up groceries but puked in the car a ton. had a bucket with me. Honestly, I'm thinking of asking my pdoc to lower some of my meds. Mainly my Geodon. I'm so tired all the time from something and lacking energy and coffee just doesn't work. So the next step is my psych meds.

I don't drink much tea but theres ginger in my nausea chews.

I think the weird looking stuff could be a sign of one of the things they are looking for.

Actually I'm just gonna go ahead and not take the 20mg Geodon. Just take the 80 and see how it works out for a bit. I know I shouldn't mess with my meds or else my pdoc will fire me. But its not like he took me off it himself or I'm splitting the pill in half or something.

Glad they're working together to get the chores done. Who's vacuuming the carpet?

There are also ginger cubes and ginger hard candy. I like the cubes a lot.

So the drama continues. You know what, don't ask the universe anything if you don't expect something back. I teach a class on the Law of Attraction at NC Works every Wednesday so I should know better. Giovanni's mom called me this morning and told him that the girl he mentioned was "just a friend" and that he really misses me a lot and asked about me. He asked if she had my new number, but she makes sure she doesn't tell him we even talk. He was reading the last letter I sent to him months ago before me and my boyfriend even started dating, and he is sad that I didn't keep my promise to stay in touch. But how could I? All that relationship represented was jails, institutions, homelessness and if I didn't get out, death.

I don't know. I am not sleeping. I am torn in so many directions all the time. I see his face all the time in my head, and I think of him even though I don't want to. Why am I having such a hard time letting go of a man that was so bad for me? Now he will be mailing me a letter because my address is all he has of me. I better not read it. I have to push this out of my head. All of this is totally unfair to my boyfriend.

On the upside, my mood has been stable despite the 3 hours sleep last night. I went to my local AA meeting and went grocery shopping. My friend's birthday card came, and he had stuffed a whole bunch of confetti in there and when I opened it, all the wind blew it all over and into my car. He said I was meant to open it at home so it could have messed up my whole house! LOL. I guess it was good to have a nice laugh like that. I'm leaving all the confetti in my car, lol.

I just got a call from my GI doctor. They want to do another endoscopy. At this other hospital on July 11th. The colonooscopy I guess is still booked out until September. I'm glad I'm finally being taking seriously.

That's good @Mountaindewed ! It seems like with all the vomiting an endoscopy makes more sense to start with. They got you in pretty quickly too which is great.

I’m currently with my mom and her husband. I haven’t seen them in a year (my choice). My mom kindly bought me a cheesecake for my birthday (probably feeling bad that she doesn’t have time-for a very legitimate reason-to bake what she said she would). My dumb ***** make a joke about their dog getting treated better than me within minutes of walking in the door and her taking this out. I feel awful…

My mom is a big reason I’m in counseling but that doesn’t give me permission to be a sarcastic SOB.

Update: she gave me a card too…