Bipolar Check-in #80

Hi all,


It has been some time since we saw each other here last time, and a new avatar as well.


My disorder is in remission! That means that I am almost fine. Some days are good, but with some black days in between.

Yesterday evening I got miserable over a small trifle, but the topic was important to me. I showed somebody an old family picture, and they didn't say something about that it was beautiful. (This picture is for me a picture of love in the family). Many things can happen in one's life, inside and outside family, but to remember some of the love one was brought up with is so important for the continued growing in the here and now.


I have felt depressed for the rest of the evening yesterday and all day long today. Far out in the day I was able to make some food and eat some tomatoes. That calmed me a bit, so I was able to think in CBT terms. I think I understand all the facets of the problem. I think it is over for this time, but I need to work on it as a vulnerability, so I can master similar "things" next time and prevent a setback.

I send my best wishes to you all!

Just overwhelmed with so emotion. Really worried about my boyfriend, his daughter is not well, and I haven't heard from him all day. That's one of my biggest barriers right now, dealing with all of that. I don't let it get me down too much, because this is what it has to be right now. I fell in love with a man with children, so this is something new that I have to handle. I needed this time to myself today too because I needed to take care of me.

Met with the priest at my church today for his counsel, and I learned a lot. I am going to convert soon, probably at the end of the year, when there should be more people to take classes with. This nice couple at my AA group is also part of the church, and my priest mentioned that I should stick with them, which I am - I happened to see them at a meeting today and got one of their numbers. Also, after his counsel, I went to the church to pray alone. It reminded me of the times when I was in New York that I walked into a similar church and spent time there alone before my therapy sessions. It brought me such peace, and I felt that presence again when I prayed today in an empty church again.

My ex-husband's birthday is tomorrow, and it stirred so much emotion in me. I was debating on whether or not to call his mom and give my birthday wishes, but I decided against it. If I want to give my current relationship a chance, I MUST let that go. I prayed about it though, and I cried. It's been a while since I felt the presence of God, and it moved me to the point where I think I know what to do now. Faith is so important to me and my recovery, so I have to keep believing. Being bipolar tested my faith to the extreme - the mania was deeply rooted in religious experiences. Since coming out of it to a relatively clear sense of reality these days, I feel I can rediscover real faith again.

CM developed a treatment plan and had me sign it. Damn, do I feel bad about myself now. Every fcking field of assessment was a 1 or a 2 (one being most extreme negative impact on functioning and 2 being very difficult to function due to problems in that box, the highest value is 6). It was basically "poor choices," "uses (x) as self harm" over and over. There was one specific remark that makes me want to say "fcck you, I'll do this on my own," and quit treatment.

I'm a 1.

edit: ughhh I keep trying to not think about it or think "I'm really going to work on doing better," but the look of three pages of 1's and 2's and that one fccking comment makes me think I am the most fccked up person on this planet. I am trying SO HARD not to go OD in a field of poison ivy.

THEY PUT A FCCKING 1 ON MEDICATION COMPLIANCE!! I'M NOT PRESCRIBED ANYTHING!

I have work tomorrow from 2pm to 10pm. Then I get Wednesday off. I work Thursday, Friday and Saturday. It’s going mostly well, I did take a sick day today because I got zero sleep last night and I figured I wouldn't be productive at all if I was there and I might have had to go up on a tall ladder and that’s not safe on no sleep. I’m not getting in the habit of calling out though. That was the first and last time unless I legitimately get sick at some point like in the winter. I’m just gonna have to get my sleep back on track.

I have bruises all over my legs and arms from lifting 80lb bags of concrete, lumber, garage doors, tile, dealing with pallet jacks etc at work.

Thursday and Friday are gonna suck because I have to head to the bus stop at 4:45am cause I start work at 6am those days. Which means I’ll have to get up by 3 at the latest to get ready and eat breakfast.

I’m still doing my volunteer job too with the cat rescue but on a fill in basis now because my work schedule.

I’m doing mostly good. My mood is good. A little anxious. I have something anxiety provoking to deal with tomorrow morning before work. Other than that I’m good. I’m taking my meds everyday

Im also gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow because I really need some food in the house I’m out of literally everything. I have a few eggs and a biscuit leftover and that’s it.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Tuesday. Shouldn’t be any changes. I’ve been on the increased dose of abilify (30mg) a month now and it’s going well. My other meds stayed the same.

Still waiting to get an appointment with a new therapist since mine died a couple weeks ago.

I thought going down on the Geodon would help. But I was so tired all day. I took 2 half hour naps. I had my appointment with the nurse and she was nice but I was so exhausted the whole time. It was really tedious doing this visit. She had to go through all my meds and asked a lot of medical questions about my family history. Then she had to do some physical stuff. She checked my blood pressure and it was low. She said I was a bit shaky. I wore a mask because she had covid a week ago. She had a mask on too. I'm just glad its over with. But I'm not sure whats up with this fatigue. Unless I'm getting covid myself or some shyt. 2 naps in a day is a bit excessive. Especially since I've been sleeping through the night.

Oh and she wants to assign a social worker to my family for some reason. My mom thinks it might be good for them to help my brother find a job.

She checked my heart by puting her stesphscope down my shirt. I get I don't have a chest so she wasn't feeling anything. But still kinda an odd way to check someones heart.

I am throwing up so much right now I'm worried I'm gonna rupture my stomach. I got wingstop for dinner but I didn't eat much of it. I got the non spicy paremsan garlic kind.

Saw pdoc we're waiting till next month to up my Zoloft as he wants my husbands eyes on me. I'm fluctuating between being very understanding and being very angry. It's very confusing. Pdoc says it can be depression or a mixed state but he thinks depression. He wants to see my service dog when I get home. I'm so angry right now. I can't sleep I read about project 2025 and now I'm diving into the 1000 page document. I can't be this angry going to my parents house. I want to sh I'm so mad. I think I've been smoking to calm down. They pick me up Sunday. I can't smoke there. My body is on fire I'm so mad. I can't even point to why I'm mad.

I feel better this morning! I read about CBT yesterday evening. It made me think about that, I have been shy since I was a little child. I was also and still am (to some degree) very kind. I think it was that part of me that became hurt Sunday. So it is more some kind of self-love and acceptance that was needed in that situation, to comfort the little child within and accept that I am who I am and that is OK.

The weather is not the best, so I will use this day, first of all, for physical exercises at home, then for cleaning.

Best wishes to all!

So exciting! I hope the conversion will be beneficial for you!

I do not even slightly want to go to work today but I am heading out in two hours to get it over with then I have tomorrow off.

I'm having horrible anxiety and panic attacks today. I don't know what to do to calm them down. I'm no longer on clonazepam, so I don't have anything to take to help. I've tried grounding, but it only helps while I'm doing it, and as soon as I stop, the high anxiety comes back. God, this is awful

Today I feel a lot more energized. I legit ate stuff with protein for breakfast, and I think the lower Geodon is helping me out. I made it out of my house for once to the Asian Market. I had therapy which I didn't really want to go to, but it went fine. Next week will be really busy. I see my endocronolgist and my pdoc on Monday, then I see my therapist on Tuesday, then I have my endoscopy on Thursday.

My blood test results showed I'm prediabetic, but he just said he'll discuss things next week.

My stomach has been fairly calm today although I did just throw up a bit a few minutes ago.

I'm trying not to think too much about the news. I have enough going on. Project 2025 is ****ing terrifying though.

Yesterday, I got back from a weekend trip to my home state. Between flights and driving to family, weekend trip makes for a lot of travel in a short amount of time, it was the perfect amount of time. My mystery physical stuff is acting up because of it though, especially the fatigue. I expected this though. It's bad enough I'm worried about going on another upcoming trip. The trip involves longer flights and more days than this one so I'm worried I won't be able to push through while I'm there and what shape I'll be in when I get home. Part of my wonders if I should cancel the trip...

I am scheduled to have an endoscopy next Tuesday, but I'm concerned about the after part. Tomorrow, I see the friend who agreed to take me, but I'm realizing I don't know if she is actually planning to stay with me once she brings me home. If she can't wait with me for at least a few hours, I might end up having to cancel or reschedule. Technically, the surgery center won't let me get it done if she can't stay with me for 24 hours so...Living away from family, and not having one of my own, is tough when it comes to needing to get medical procedures done.

I saw my Pdoc. Stopping lybalvi and restarting Risperdal. She’s super nice and I really like her. She’s thinking since I’m not depressed or manic it’s likely I do have sza bp type rather than bp like my last Pdoc said. I’m just tired of hallucinating but at least I’m not afraid of Satan attacking me lately

So my therapist is officially going to be out 4-6 weeks for hip replacement surgery and my vacation adds a week to that time. I've not gone that long without seeing him in 18 years. I think the longest has been maybe 3 weeks when he was really sick. Even that may be 2 weeks. We had been meeting 3x/month for a while but when I got depressed in the winter we went back to weekly. We just tried missing a week and I didn't handle that well. So how am I going to handle 6 weeks?

I am so, so anxious about this. And it's hard to complain to him about it because well, it's hardly his fault. He is going to try to hook me up with another therapist, the one he's likely to refer me to when he retires in a couple years. Next week I'm going to have to make myself talk about it. We have a good enough relationship that he won't get upset and I know he really knows that this is quite difficult but we nee to talk about it. Maybe a lot. We've got 5 more sessions.


With the heap of meds I'm on my emotions are blunted and I can't cry. My pdoc has been trying to make some adjustments to decrease the numbness but the anxiety and depression got worse so we backed off of one change. That too is making me anxious. For 3 years now I've had severe depression in the winter. I would change to the highest dose Emsam patch and it helped, then in May or June I'd come off and be ok. Well, we decreased so I was using the lower dose 3x/week and it didn't work. So now I'm scared I'm maxing out the only AD that's worked for me. I don't want another MAOI because I am not good at handling daytime meds and I don't really want the increased food restrictions on those.. There are a few ADs that have come out since I have been on Emsam so I have things to try. But the other thing is that if I lose my Emsam patient assistance I can't get it back as I'm grandfathered in right now.

I'm just anxious. About everything. And I failed to convey this to my therapist well. I hate when things go like that in a session.

I guess i need to start thinking that in 10-12 weeks things will be back to normal again. That's not so long. It will be early fall and I always look forward to that time of year. It's not that long. I guess.

Hope she understands your situation!

Hope the anxiety will not stay too long!

I am sorry that you have to be without your therapist for so long! Maybe you can mark your calendar and cross off each day gone. It does not make it a lot more easy, but perhaps a little bit.


What about sitting down half an hour a day being your own therapist? I did that once and it helped. I wrote down what I wanted to say and then what the therapist would have said is he was there.

It may shorten the waiting time and perhaps help yo to find topics you want to talk to him about when he is back.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to cope!

I am well!

I have some pain in back and neck, but that is not unusual to be me. I feel depression free and that is what really counts.

Am planning to do more work in the home for today. I cannot do much at the time because of my lungs, but that is OK. I'm used to it.

I will visit a relative before the weekend and in the weekend there will be grilling. Look forward to that! Good food and company is some of the best the earth can offer us! Hallelujah!!!

Am sending good hopes and good wishes to you all!

I'm doing a bit better today, still anxious but not having panic attacks at least. I am on buspirone and propranolol for anxiety, but sometimes I feel like that is not quite enough and long to be back on clonazepam. However, I've noticed my concentration and forgetfulness is much better off clonazepam (and I can read actual books again!), so it's a trade-off, like always on these meds. Such as Cymbalta gives me tinnitis (ringing in my ears), but I'd rather deal with that that be suicidal. It's minor tinnitus or at least bearable tinnitus to me.

My mood is okay, level I'd guess, but meds tend to blunt my emotions too. Level is better than mania though. It's when I accidentally skip meds or accidentally double (sometimes triple the doses) or mix up night & day meds or make mistakes filling my pillboxes that I get into trouble, usually ending up in mania followed by psyhosis quite rapidly. H swears I'm on so many meds there is no way he could keep them straight to fill my pillboxes and sometimes I think it's a wonder that I can. Or when life events hit me - deaths in the family (natural but still), H losing his job, etc. I end up in trouble.

Just a crazy day in Raleigh today, just running around and meetings and getting together with people. Went to my doctor and she said my thyroid is WAY off that's why I have been having so much trouble losing weight. At least I have an answer for it now. I knew having that surgery was going to be a bad idea, but I was afraid of that lump in my neck turning cancerous, so I had to take it out. But now I blew up like a whale and hate myself so much. : (

On the upside, my mood has been good. I think I may have got a whole 6 hours sleep last night, which is better than it has been. My moods are pretty good, and I feel pretty balanced. Things are going well in my relationship, and life is pretty good in general. Hope work is not too crazy tomorrow though, I am the only one in the store for 4th of July, so hope the mall isn't too packed.