Bipolar Check-in #80

You and me both, sister! Believe me I feel you! In fact, I could have written your post1 Therefore, according to my mania, we are both brilliant! Genuises, in fact! Look out MENSA!! LOL

Oh man, I just saw the assassination attempt on Trump on TV as it happened! Political violence has no place in a democracy!

I visited my mother today and she's as well as circumstances allow. She's had various tests for kidney, liver, heart, etc. They want to keep her admitted for a number of days since she's really swollen. They're coming up with a plan for her heart failure.

I need some perspective to speak with my T. I need a few days to process what's been happening, it's too raw now to speak with my T. Tuesday is fine. Thank you very much for your concern, I appreciate it!

OMG, MuddyBoots! Me too! Why haven't I said this already?! In fact, you must be a brilliant, genius too!

We all are brilliant genuises!

Well, I DO feel that way actually even depressed or stable, not just when I'm manic. Even if I don't answer every post or leave some people out, sometimes I just can't find the right words, KWIM?

We all unfortunately KNOW firsthand what bipolar is like, the good and the bad. As they say: You have to walk in someone else's shoes to really understand wha they mean or do or feel. We have all been there, done that and even stupider, more embarrassing stuff than we post here that we should or don't have the courage to say to ANYONE else but those of us on bipolar and other MSFs: not T's, not friends, not even spouse's or SO's.

I LOVE that MSF exists! Heck, whoever created MSF is AWESOME and even more genuis than those of us here!

I'm so sorry @HALLIEBETH87, you've gone through so much lately. I hope things go as well as circumstances allow.

I didn't even know about the assassination attempt.


I am SOO sorry about your mother. That's awful I wish I could do more than pray for you. (Actually, I hope none of you mind, I do pray for everyone here, and I don't care if you believe in God or not, and don't worry, I won't try to convert anyone here or go on about how you should have faith or else!

No more hallucinations since I started the Risperdal. See my p nurse on Friday to check in. Happy to get off zyprexa. Makes me over heat so fast!!

Thanks so much. Trying to focus on school as my motivation has escaped me

Thank you @Blueberrybook, my mother and I appreciate your prayers.

My mother's taking things one step at a time, trying to stay calm and collected. She knows she's in good hands at the hospital.

I'm focused on helping her be functional since she lives on her own. I don't know how realistic it is to believe that she can continue taking care of herself. She's very independent and is looking forward to getting back to a relatively normal life - I just hope that's being realistic.

I fell asleep with the news on around 2 or 3 but I had my music on and then my mom woke me up and she said "Mountaindewed, Mountaindewed, are you watching the news?" And I had like Harry Styles or some shyt playing and I was super groggy and I saw the news and I thought "wtf is this real." because I was still sleepy. I stayed up for about half an hour and then I went back to sleep until 8 and I've been up since. My aunt called my mom and they talked for a bit and my mom said "did you hear your friend died?" Because we have a funny Richard Simmons family story.

I'm now on my no solid food diet. I just drank a sour blue raspberry Powerade and so far its been ok. But like I mean, I just started it. I'll see how I am in 12 hours. I have 1 more Powerade and 2 Gatorades and I made some blue raspberry Starburst jello and some green watermelon Starburst jello. Then I need to drink that stuff. But yeah so far its ok but I did eat 4 Oreos right before I had to start.

Do they put a cather in you for a colonoscopy?

I feel like I have colon cancer or something. Idk. I have some pain and like I have a bunch of cysts or something.

@Mountaindewed

That really is not much you are eating. Even if it's just liquid, it's not enough calories for your body. Have you told the doctor this? How much food you keep down each day and don't throw up? It sounds like you practically throw up everything you eat? Are you losing a lot of weight by not eating (and not throwin up enough calories)? If so, you need to be careful you take care of yourself and if your GI is not concerned about this perhaps tell your pcp? IDK, I just know my particular GI doctor would have a freak out if I were throwing up that much and he knew how little food I eat that I don't throw up. If he saw me in your state, he would have hosptialized you long ago. I don't see how any of your doctors are NOT hosptalizing you. I mean, throwing up that much is NOT normal even with IBS.

OMG, I am having I guess delusions that I am talking directly to God and believe they are all real. Kinda cool because God tells me interesting things. Not bad stuff or actions to take. So I'm safe. I haven't told H this yet. He would likely call the pdoc and pdoc would hospitalize me for sure.

Mania can be fun but also not. I keep talking loudly and interrupting H since he does most of his work at home. H just wants quiet so he can concentrate. I just have SOOO many ideas going through my head, not many connections between them that others see or not even I do but of course I think I'm brillant and expect everyone to feel that way too. And while I know everyone doesn't care in the least what I do but I still HAVE to say them such as, "I left my glasses in the bedroom. Where is X (I lose things a million times a day and most of them not of any huge consequence). Or I forgot X (I forget X a million times a day and people are beyond caring unless X is something like leaving a stove burner on).

But I have TONS of energy! I feel AWESOME! This part of mania ROCKS!

Its for a test. I can't eat anything solid today. I'm trying but theres only so much jello one person wants to eat. I ate enough yesterday. Hopefully they figure out something tommorow. I have a GI follow up for my endoscopy in 1.5 weeks and I'll tell him stuff then.

The doctor knows everything. I've actually kept down all the liquids today. I got an ocean water from Sonic.

My doctors all know everything. Even my pdoc.

@Mountaindewed
I'm glad to hear you keep your doctor's in the know.

I've spent the last 5 days taking care of my sister's house, garden, dog, rat, fish, and chickens. I've started to type this all out several times but always end up deleting it. Let's just say that it has been by far the most stressful of any of the many times I have done this job and I am SO glad that I only have to deal with the chickens two more times. There has been so much more anxiety this time than usual and everything has felt like it went wrong. I'm so tired.....I will be so glad to get home tomorrow.

I am so sorry! That sounds like a ton of animals to take care of. I would be stressed out too! You're a saint for helping out! I hope you are getting paid to take care of all the animals. Are any of their chickens mean? Both my grandparents had chickens and they wouldn't even let us in to collect the eggs if the rooster was around. Every new rooster seemed to be mean. I don't recall they ever had a nice one. And then certain hens would peck at you trying to collect the eggs. How many chickens do they have, more than a couple?

I just had the first glass of the liquid stuff. To be honest, it was actually kinda good. And I didn't have much of an issue drinking it. Its lemon lime flavored and kinda tastes like some Sonic drink.

Glass 4 is almost done. I'm crampy and nauseated but nothing else. I took Zofran and dramamine

The news is really focused on this Trump thing. They keep repeating the same stuff.

My daughter hid my car keys from me

Was cleaning and found/read some journals anywhere from 20yrs ago to last December (have more recent ones obviously, but those have snippets of stuff I'm going to rewrite or type up as more refined creative writing). Dayyyyummm that was triggering though. You don't feel how bad everything is when you're in it (and surrounded by people in it as well), and when things are better it feels worse, but when I look back, I don't think a lot of the more "normal" kids I knew in school had a hell of a lot of similar experiences. I sure as heck hope they didn't.

I also found some stuff old buddies gave me (pieces of art, can of various local, rare cans of beer, one of those little jars they sell weed in with a guitar pick in it, some TMI stuff lol). Most of those folk are either dead or wish I were dead (I probably felt the same about them at the time too, but I don't right now).

I did find a reading list an inpatient nurse practitioner I've worked with for a total of probably 5 months if you combine stays, and I'm going to follow through with it. We were really close and had a great deal of respect for each other. She taught me living in my dad's drug den wasn't the most common of things, and certainly a recipe for disaster. Maybe write a bit of an analysis of them and mail it to the unit. See if she's still there and can read it.

Just a stroll down mental illness painted memory lane today I guess.

This is a familiar territory for me @MuddyBoots - reading stuff from when I was in jail was REALLY hard to read, especially some of it was really hopeless and about my ex-husband. I lost all my journals when I was younger in a very manic episode years ago, I am not sure how I would feel about reading all that now.

I know mania is a great feeling and being hospitalized is really expensive, but I really hope you get stabilized soon @Blueberrybook - I am glad you are here posting though and letting us know how you're doing, keep posting and expressing yourself as much as you need to!

Please don't stop posting @raspberrytorte - we need you here, and I love what you have to say, and I think that all of us need remember that our bipolar fluctuates all over the place and it's important that we let everybody express themselves how they feel they need to.

My prayers are with you @Scooter9 for your mom, your colonoscopy @Mountaindewed , and your pawpaw @HALLIEBETH87 - it seems like everyone is going through a lot right now, and have a lot of things going on.

As for me, it's quiet on my front. I scored 7 1/2 hours sleep last night, (WOOHOO!) and I have been embracing my independence a lot more and taking time for myself in my relationship rather than being so codependent. Planning to go to GalaxyCon in two weeks and get my PhotoOP with William Shatner, and a music festival in my town the day after. Finances are tight because of all this stuff going on this month, but I think I can swing it. I should work some more to cover the costs, so I don't dip into my savings.

I am glad to see everyone posting though, like @MuddyBoots said I really rely on you guys even when I miss a few days. My bipolar has been manageable and it hasn't been as extreme as it was last week. Definitely that desperate codependency has lifted, thank God.

I think I have the early symptoms of pneumonia. My mother has it and is being treated with antibiotics, and I have been around her a lot.

I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow.

I visited my mother today in the hospital. They are performing all kinds of tests on her liver, kidneys, and more heart-related tests. They are trying to figure out the nature of congestive heart failure so they can more effectively treat it. They are also giving her diuretics to lower the swelling throughout her body.

We walked around the ward today, and she only stopped after about 50 steps, which is a huge improvement (she stopped every 4 steps before).

My anxiety is still up and depression is pulling me down - so I guess I'm ending up somewhere in the middle (I gotta have a sense of humor about this).