Bipolar Check-in #80

There's actually more animals...there's a cat and another aquatic thing. In years past this group has got a lot of laughs out of the things the cat has killed and left for me every night I've been here; this year they put a bell on the little murderess and all she's killed was a chipmunk. Thank God.


There are 11 chickens. 1 chick in a separate pen (4 others were lost earlier in the week before I came) and 10 in a big coop (1 lost earlier in the week before I came----see where the anxiety comes from?). I am not fond of birds in general. We have chickens at home and I'm fine with them; they are more pets than anything and come to be petted. Most of these are fine. There is one I've developed a hatred for because she picks on the young 2. The young 2 are then frightened of everything so to get them into the night pen I have to cover them with a towel which makes them immediately relax until they can see again. They aren't particularly fond of being covered by a towel but hopefully tonight will be like last night when they just did it. I'm hoping they are getting used to it and will not fun from me tonight. I feel so mean chasing scared birds around but they have to go in or there will be more deaths. And there will be no deaths on my watch. (Again, see where the anxiety arises?)

Roosters are mean. The past few years they've had roosters that they had to have culled because they were mean. Sometimes you are told you're getting a hen and wind up with a rooster. This year either they only got hens or it is too soon to tell.


The eggs are laid in a box thing and as long as nobody is in there it's very easy to grab eggs. If someone is occupying the box I just leave and come back later.


there's a novel about chickens......I need to vacuum the kitchen before it is chicken fighting time. Then I will just have to shower, pack everything possible so I can leave as soon as my meds wear off in the morning, and sweep the bathroom floor. Tomorrow I have to load my cooler, finish packing toiletries and stuff and load my car and then I can head home. I can't wait to see my AbbyCat.

@Scooter9 - Sorry so much is going on with your mom on top of the congestive heart failure. Hospitals and the prime breeding ground for all sorts of germs and it is much easier to catch pneumonia at hospitals than most other places. I hope you feel better soon! You have enough on your plate without being sick too.

@LadyShadow - I'm glad you are embracing your independence and feeling less codependent.

@raspberrytorte - How are you doing?

Physically, I feel about to keel over so sorry if I missed anyone I'm very forgetful right now. Going to try taking my night meds now and wait and see if they work, which can be an 1, 1.5 hr. or so depending.I really need rest. But my brain is still wired. I have a Spotify playlist of calming music I will try that tonight and see if it helps. Music did help me fall asleep last night but then my cat jumped on me at like 2 AM and I was awake from there.

Ok so I drank all 13 glasses and all I have are super bad stomach cramps and my stomach is huge.

Get ready!

I am doing as best as I can. I was diagnosed with BPD a month ago. I was told that I still have bipolar but it's NOS. There really isn't an active BPD group on this site. So, I turned to Facebook for a group. I don't come on here too much anymore. Just enough to see what everyone has been up to. I don't post much as you can see by my posting number. I've found this site helpful in the past. But I need one that focuses more on BPD than Bipolar now. So, I wish everyone well. I'll still check in from time to time.

Anxiety is really bad. I had V check on H because I was convinced he passed away. My parents play the news all day which doesn't help. My mom's getting upset I'm not doing more training with Artemis but I can't walk as much as much as she thinks I should. I have issues moving and talking I'm trying to take up as little space as possible. I'm trying not to check out but it's hard. They are going to a club tonight.

Thanks @Blueberrybook! I have been sick for 8 days now, so pneumonia wouldn't surprise me. I'll know more tomorrow. If it is pneumonia, I hope it's over soon. It's painful to cough!

The last night of chasing chickens and locking them up is over. Tonight was the 2nd hardest. The first night I was trying to figure out how to get the young ones when 2 adults escaped and I had to chase them around for half an hour before I was able to even begin to get the young ones. Tonight the bullies were really bad and the little ones were frantic so ran to an area I can't reach. I finally had to scare them out of there by making noise. That made me feel awful because they are already so scared. But it is done now and I have a while to think about if this is a good idea for next year. The money is great but the stress this year has been awful. However the stress was situational and so won't repeat next year barring something so statistically unlikely that it might as well not be considered. I'm not sure they'll even want me again after the stress although I've done this for them for years.

I have to find something to eat and take my meds. That's another thing that's off; I always take my meds at the exact same time and haven't been able to while doing this. But the whole week I've not been hungry at all. I've been living on blueberries and cereal. I think that's mainly because it's been extremely hot (adding also to the stress; my meds make me heat sensitive and I've had to go outside at least some on these 95 degree days which I wouldn't do normally.

But the good thing is I've not had time to worry about my therapist being out for surgery! There's always something good I guess, if you look hard enough. Even when it's a stretch...

Yep. Almost done with a whole roll of toilet paper. Its starting to get clear at least. I was worried it wasn't going to work or that I'd throw up the prep stuff.

My poor aunt did the prep and then threw it up and had to do it all over. I'm glad it is going well for you. If it's getting clear already that's great. I didn't get to 100% clear so the results up the upper colon weren't clear. But because of my MAOI they made me drink the entire bottle of prep at once instead of in 2 periods of time and I guess that's harder to get a clear prep. I'm just glad that with cologuard unless I have a problem I don't have to do another one. It wasn't so awful but definitely not fun.

Glad it is going well for you.

I woke up with what I'm pretty sure are early cold symptoms. This explains why my vertigo exercises have been making me dizzier than normal the past few days. This makes me nervous because I am scheduled to get on a plane later in the week and be gone for several days. Maybe, I'll be lucky and it's just my allergies acting weird. But, I don't think so.

I didn't feel to bad, but still chose to lay low today since I do seem to be getting sick.

I see my pcp tomorrow and plan on asking her about getting IV fluids on a regular basis. This morning, it was a lot harder to get out of bed, which makes me think the positive effects of the one I had Tuesday are waring off. That and/or it's because I'm getting sick.

Mood has been stable though! It's early but, so far, deciding to use birth control meds to manage my mood seems to be having a positive effect.

Chicken stress is doing me in. There's a latch on the coop that I have had to start taking pictures of because I kept freaking out that I wasn't shutting it and having to go back to the coop (1/4 mile away) to check. Of course it was always fine.

Now I'm laying here obsessing that I didn't block off the door with cement blocks. 99% sure I did and I am not going to go check at this time of night. Besides even if something got in there now the chickens are safely shut in their box and the bottom of the door has some extra support, plus the top has a secure closure. But I soooo want to go check. (My OCD is playing with me). But this may require a PRN.


Cats are so much easier than chickens...

I had a good volunteer shift with the rescue cats today. They’re all so sweet. I’m just waiting for my night meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. Idk I’m kind of tempted to pull an all nighter.

I had a good day. Spent time with my boyfriend. I’m looking forward to Tuesday because I have a violin lesson that day.

Printed out some DBT workbook worksheets.

I really want some oreos right now. That sounds really good right now. I got the mega stuffed ones awhile back, they were so good. I’ve been craving chocolate a lot lately. Oreos, Nutella etc What I’ve been eating though is frozen grapes when I want something sweet. I like them frozen better than regular. They’re really good that way. I just buy a bag of grapes and put the entire thing in the freezer and take some out whenever I want some. But I am gonna get some Oreos this week cause it’s all about balance

I made some pasta yesterday. It actually came out good. It was just ziti with jar sauce, ground turkey and a lot of melted mozzarella on it. Pretty happy with how it came out. I wasn’t sure how the ground turkey would be in it but it was good together. Kind of like a deconstructed lasagna.

Ok so I had to wake up at 4 and drink the last 5 glasses. Now its yellow and mostly clear. I'm kinda worried about going during the endoscopy and waking up wearing a diaper or something.

But it went ok. Better then I was expecting. I got a few hours of sleep. Not much but some.

@Mountaindewed
What time is your endoscopy? It will be OK. I had an endoscopy a few years ago. Honestly, the worst part of it was the prep and drinking the stuff. I woke up a little out of it but came around pretty fast, and I was starving from being on the liquid diet and having no solid food and just water to drink IDK was it after 12 AM till time before the endoscopy? I remember afterwards, H drove me straight to a nearby Mexican restaurant and got me a huge plate of Mexican food at the drive-thru. By the time I was home, I felt pretty normal again. H had an endoscopy around a year ago. His prep was different from mine he had to take I gues some sort of prescription laxative and down a lot of water within a given time period, not drink the stuff likd me. His prep was a lot worse than mine for some reason. He was having dry heaves (don't remember if he threw up but maybe some) along with diarrhea. The rest of his endoscopy went OK. He woke up groggier than I did and mumbled in the car before he had some real food. Afterwards, I drove him straight to McDonalds (H ate a ton of food for him, he's always been a moderate eater). He was a little tired from everything (mostly his prep I mean) but got back to normal quickly though I remember he took a couple days off of work.

I am starting to come down, maybe already? SHYYT! H and my daughter found a ton of mistakes in my med boxes (one for morning, one for night) and he thinks it was a med screwup. Anyone else have that happen? A med screwup causing mania? Well that in the fact that I only took oxycarbazepine whenever I felt like it, but honestly, the neurologist prescribed that for neuropathy and since my neuropathy wasn't getting ANY better I figured the oxycarbazeopine was not necessary and I only took it when I felt like it. Since the neurologist prescribed oxycarbazepine and NOT the pdoc (though pdoc knows I am supposed to be taking oxycarbazepine, Pdoc was out of sorts that I wasn't taking it . Pdoc told H that oxycarbazepine has some sort of effect for bipolar (God knows what) and I was also only taking half of the quetiapine tablet because I wanted to lose weight. Pdoc said get on the full dose of quetiapine pronto (BUMMER! Pdoc is such a downer!) I promised H that I would take my meds as prescribed and that once I was better I would use a medication app with pill identifers (and look at the practically invisible numbers and letters on each pill before putting it in my pillbox) and reminders as to when to take the pills. SHYYT! I tried that once before and got annoyed at all the stupid reminders. But I did make several pillbox mistakes. SOOO many pills look practically the same; especially the pills that are round white circles. And gabapentin looks a TON like Alpha-lipoic-acid (a supplement that I had been taking to help neuropathy).

Anyone else have meds that look practically the same? So that it's easy to confuse them when getting your weekly pillbox filled? And I HATE refilling my pillbox. It's such a pain. Not to mention EVERY week it reminds me I have bipolar and that I am crazy abnormal and mentally ill.

Oh, and pdoc put me back on lamotrigine. What the heck is that supposed to do? Also pdoc put me back on hydroxyzine which is supposed to help my anxiety and panic attacks. But hydoxyzine does NOT help anxiety a bit like a benzo would. I REALLY, REALLy wanted to go back on clonazepam, but pdoc said I was too forgetful on clonazepam at my appts. and H agreed wit pdoc. SH'yTT.

Crazy thing I think I am already coming down from mania. I felt SOO happy and energtic. Now my body feels exhausted though slept 8 hours last night. I want to go for a walk this morning, but my body is physically exhausted. Now I am drinking coffee from the stronges caffeine concentration Starbucks makes for the K-cups.

I am now peeing a lot more than I was and have weighed 5 lb. less this morning. Well, THA:T at least I hope is permanent and NOT a fluke. I still want to lose 5-10 more pounds.

Sorry if I missed anyone.

I am still hypomanic at least and wish I'd stay that way longer. I feel a LOT better when I am hypo and being blunted in the middle is NO fun AT ALL.

I still have pressured writing. Obviously.

DAYMN I have a lot of typos in this. I went back to edit them and couldn't concentrate to get thru the first paragrah Sorry abou that. Hope you get the gist of it.

SHYYT I am now CRAZy dizz Going to lie down a bit. \ Listen to music with my eyes closed. Eyes closed is better. Hope this makes sense.. GladI didn't go walking yet. I would have fell down. Called pdoc's office . Left a Message. Pdoc called back and said to cut the oxycarbazepine in half. I will get H to do that. I am still hypomanic I thinkand so might not do the best at it. I am also still pretty dizzy. I have to wait for the dizziness to pass. I will try to get cleaned up. But it will have to be a bath not a shower so I don't fall down.

Sorry for typos. Not only am I dizzy I am hypomanic too.

Sorry for lots of posts.

Update: I edited this but know there are still mistakes.

I use three pillboxes. One has 28 boxes, that i fill once a month, and i take all at night.

My 2nd pillbox has my diabetic metformin in it, 7 slots, that i put 4 pills in each slot, and i use 2 pills a day, so it lasts me 2 weeks. But its easy to verify i take 2 pills a day with meals, altho sometimes i forget.

My 3rd pillbox has 2 slots, i take 1 pill every other day, its a diuretic. The 2nd slot is for a potassium supplement which i am supposed to take with the first pill, but i have been skipping lately. I keep track of what days to take it on my phone calendar. Sometimes i skip a day, sometimes i take it 2 days in a row, and i alter the calendar accordingly. It goes out for like 3 months. I dont remember otherwise.

Then my insulin is in a separate old makeup bag, and my glucose monitor is in another.

I have 2 small suitcases, one for daily and glucose meds, and the other for the monthly meds.

I try to make it as small a hassle as possible on me.

@jmariah001 It's great you have a proper BPD diagnosis. I know a lot of therapists/pdocs are hesitant to give that dx, but when I got mine, it explained a lot and let me know that I need to work on a lot of the maladaptive thoughts and behaviors more engrained in personality, in my case in learned experiences growing up, rather than mood episodes treated mostly with meds and a healthy lifestyle. If you find a helpful support group for BPD, let me know! I've been doing some DBT with my therapist and going through Dr. Fox's "The Borderline Personality Workbook" and, although with DBT I've only done the mindfulness module and a couple distress tolerance skills (have dabbled in emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships with other therapists/in groups too) and started the workbook last week, both have been helpful with both understanding and keeping as grounded as possible.

I also wish the best for everyone else. I hope those flying high have a gentle landing, those dealing with a variety of chaotic animals handle the stress well (you're rocking it @BeyondtheRainbow), all the medical tests go well and any sicknesses are short and mild, family struggles get resolved or have the best possible outcome, and also @Blue_Bird those cats are freaking cute!!!!!

----

It's hard to keep it copacetic here. I'm trying to "keep things boring" like my old NP always wanted me to do, but I keep getting into situations where someone (read: my mom) starts crossing boundaries, and asking her to give me some space to fill out paperwork, not walk in on me getting ready for a shower, not go through my backpack (it was great explaining the pregnancy tests to her--doubted it, but haven't had a period since March so I figured might as well just in case), not go through my phone, and ESPECIALLY not stick her fingers down a shirt pocket "to see if it was a real pocket." No. She doesn't listen to "please give me some sense of privacy and please don't touch me." It takes a "back the fkk off," followed by a contest of chicken but instead of seeing who gets scared of running into the other person, it's who can make the other person feel more threatened than it's worth (Not give a shyt about consequences ensures I almost always win this game). So yeah, I guess in this place I have to use rage to set boundaries like I've had to for as long as I can remember. No one said the words "sorry" or "apologize." Like I've learned, those words are totally empty regardless of where they fit in what you say, so conflict settled by saying "I know, just say it, I'm the worst person ever and you wish you took your birth control correctly." "You're not the worst person. There are worst people out there than you." Thanks.

I'm afraid to talk to anybody here. I don't want to do the "talk to a decent person leading to talk to their "fun" friend followed by seeing the old drug dealer" thing. My CM wants to see me later today but says she'll call if I can't make it down and same thing with T later this week. I've been looking at menus for the dispensaries across the border, and it is TEMPTING. Also on the drive, I go by 3 liquor stores, one at a rest stop where I don't even have to get off the highway, along with ending up really close to the largest one in NH (I went there once, 'tis quite impressive). I did get a call that there's an opening at a shared living environment I put in an application to a while back, and the manager of the program emailed me a bunch of paperwork so chances are I will be moving to a better environment at some point. Hoping for the best!

@MuddyBoots
Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness. You give great advice and I love reading your post. I am still hypomanic but unfortunately still dizzy so no walking. That really sucks because it is actually a cloudy day, not sunny, and I get so much hotter when it's sunny. The Houston area tends to have very high humid except in the winter when we get a cold front in. Last winter it was so warm I didn't even have to wear my sweaters. It is not unusual to be able to wear shorts at Christmas time.

I am coming down a little from the dizziness. Pdoc said to cut the oxycarbazepine in half because it interacts wih lamotrigine. I am still hypomanic though which I like.

Hi all!

Today I reached my goal! I had put up a little hilltop with a wonderful view as my aim, walking toward it in small steps at a time. I reached it today. It took me almost 4,5 km (2,8 miles) to reach it and 6306 steps. The first weeks from now, I will take the same walk every second day, then I will do it every week days and at last add with one day of hiking each week. I think all this will give me a good enough health both Psychologically and Physically.

It is so good to feel so close to the nature, listening to the birds and look at every beautiful view. Not to forget that when I am hiking, I never do that alone. It is good to enjoy good company as well.

I think I will make it from here, so I will not post so often! Since I am taking a break, I want to say something personal to each one of you:

@Blueberrybook Don’t think of yourself as crazy. That was how mental health was dealt with before. Don’t belittle yourself! You are a person who happens to have got bipolar 1. That is a severe condition, that needs you to take really good care of yourself. Fill your pillbox and be proud of yourself!

All persons with Bipolar 1 have my sympathy! When I say it this way, it doesn’t mean that I don’t consider Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymia as not sick enough, but that I know (from having known people with that diagnose) that MANIA is a though «thing» to live with or to beat.

When it comes to me, I never fulfilled the bipolar diagnosis system to the fullest. The best a therapist could do for me, was to name it as in the old bipolar NOS. But they never wanted to give me that diagnose officially. I felt that "the not formal diagnose" was some sort of recognition of the pain I suffered, even if it was not fully into the Bipolar disorders. Personally I think it is some form of unspesific braindisorder or a failure in the activation system in the brain.

So I have struggled so much to make my own therapeutic frame and have succeeded with that. It costs energy and time to live with the problems, but I am able to manage with my private tools that I have been thinking out by myself and so combined these tools with the CBT approach (most of the time), as I have told before. People whom have never experienced some form of Psychological Disorder (I don’t like the term MI), don’t know how lucky they are!

@Mountaindewed, I am glad that the colonoscopy went well! And you drank all the 13 glasses! WOW! I was not able to do that, and they said it was OK at the clinic.

@Blue_Bird hope you will have enough energy for the cats.

@BeyondtheRainbow Hope the heat will slow down at your place and that you will be able to eat properly and not stress yourself out on overthinking about «things» you think you haven’t done.

@Scooter9 Thinking on you! You have a lot on your shoulders. Hope you don’t suffer from pneumonia!

@victoria’smom Oh, you have a lot on your shoulders as well. You are in my thoughts!

@jmariah001 It is good that you have got a proper diagnose. Hope you find good treatment for it!

@June08 I hope it’s not a nasty cold. I had one some weeks ago, a lot of coughing. Good to hear that you feel stable emotionally for the time being.

@LadyShadow and @MuddyBoots, I hope both of you feel well (enough) to at least enjoy parts of life for the time being.

@hallieBET87 Please keep posting!

@unaluna, you have really found a way to keep track on your medications. I need to be better on that.

If there are persons here not mentioned, please forgive me! It is a lot of names to remember!

Am sending my best wishes to every one of you!