Bipolar Check-in #80

Missed my first appointment with my new therapist this morning. I know we scheduled it but then my case manager said they won’t take my insurance until the fall so I just completely put it out of my mind! Luckily my new tdoc called and we rescheduled for next week. My mom and I are going to scout it out today so I know where I’m going.

Hey, @raspberrytorte, don't apologize. You actually brought up a valid point that we shouldn't be afraid to say something in fear of it being offensive. Wording and context make a whole difference. Right now I'm just in a precarious place. If I knew I were alone in having urges to bring back that disordered eating bs just by looking at a bipolar check-in thread, I would've kept my mouth shut, but given the fact many of us have comorbidities and some of those disorders are about eating, I just tried pointing out that certain things, with certain details, worded a certain way, and the main focus is what the difference is between something that can be helpful or harmful.
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It's probably a good thing that workbook made me upset. Really validated any inkling of an idea that certain beliefs and behaviors I have are not worth any short-term benefit, and looking at what I wrote down for benefits made me feel really selfish (one behavior/benefit was people wanting to help me because I'm in a bad place, so I'd purposely put myself in that place by screwing with meds/substances/bad relationships and such) and now that is a motivation to rethink those beliefs and change those behaviors.

A Q about therapy (which I am seeing T on Wednesday): Is it appropriate to give your therapist a gift? My T loves dogs and I got a new backpack today with dog prints because I wanted one other than my hiking pack for every day stuff, and it came with a tiny stuffed dog. I was thinking about giving it to her. Would that be okay?

My wings were spicy and flavorful, and I seriously have to do some laundry now.

@HALLIEBETH87 Muscle spasms are awful! Keep us posted on how lowering the dose and adding cogentin works. I'm not sure if it's a direct side effect of Risperdal or if it's something more along the lines of risperdal leads to this leads to that leads to spasms, but given that it's summer and hot it's also important to stay hydrated and get a good balance of electrolytes because taking care of that can prevent muscle spasms too.

Just a quick post to let everyone know I do read everyone's threads but am going to try to step back from trying to reply to everyone all the time; it just is too much for me right now.

I will still post and everyone is always in my thoughts and sometimes I might respond to some people's posts and not others, but I want to devote my time to a few other things right now: catching up on my reading, watching more of my show, cleaning, meal planning & budgeting groceries; my grocery budget has gotten way out of hand lately thanks to inflation & a bit of hypomania.

I'm having a chill day otherwise. It's been raining out and I've been reading some. This is the longest I've taken to finish my library books in months! H still wants me to keep it low-key, not too much stress and he's almost finished with that God-awful stressing grant proposal he's been working on. I am SOO happy about that.

Those posts were why I stayed away. Not because I have an Ed but because I’m struggling with an esophageal problem that is very painful and often makes me throw up. Seeing that day after day was too much. I had bleeding ulcers when I was 8 so cancer is a concern of mine. I’m on a boatload of medication for this.

But anyway the reason I wanted to post was that I’ve come to the realization that I’m terrified to lose weight. I’m very stable and boring but respected and liked by a great many people where I live and I want to keep that. But the AP has lead to weight gain and my pcp wants me to lose it. But I’m scared to because I lose weight on both ends of the spectrum. When depressed I have great anxiety and paranoia and lose weight, when manic I’m too crazy to eat. I have lost everything including homes, friends and jobs when this happens. And I like what I have now. I should probably get a therapist and talk about this, but that too is fraught with past associations.

I see THAT class first thing this morning Period 1.

In a way it's good because I get it out the way.

In another way it can be bad because if the class goes pear shaped (which likely it will with student behaviors) the rest of my day is messed up just thinking about it.

My other classes for the day aren't bad so I'm just going to hang in there.

@Nammu I'm glad to see you back. I've missed you and your perspectives on here while totally understanding why you stepped away. I'm so sorry you've not been well. I had a prolonged lithium toxicity once with a lot of vomiting so I understand how it could be a trigger if you are going through something of your own. I hope you figure the weight thing out but if you're dealing with something else right now maybe it's not the right time to put yourself through something else that is stressful? I don't know but it seems like one thing at a time is a good way for me to approach life with BP.


I hope you are able to stick around while understanding if you get triggered. Hoping this isn't triggering in any way.

Thanks for the welcome back, rainbow 🌈 No not triggering at at. It’s the day after day that gets to me.

I would check every once in awhile. It’s good to see all the recent activity though. That’s really goood.

I just wanted to say, like @Nammu mentioned - weight loss is a big issue for me too, and some of the posts were bothering me as well. I was on the Weight Loss and Exercise thread for a while, and also on the "what did you eat today" thread which was helpful. I guess it's good to know where to put all of that other information.

I am sorry it's been hard for you guys. I know our bipolar check-in has been so helpful to me and to others over the years. I try to keep my posts on here relevant to bipolar. And as far as Risperdal goes, it can cause very bad muscle spasms - I went to the variation, which is risperidone and at a very low dosage, and I am also seeing my pdoc tomorrow and she is dropping my Lithium which is such a relief to me. Symptoms have been very mild the past week, but I will admit an elevated mood due to all the amazing things happening recently.

I am just very thankful for everyone here, and everyone's input. Watching your journeys unfold has given me insight into my own battle with bipolar. I have been on this forum a very long time, and all the different perspectives at all different times of the year have always been helpful. I hope everyone has had a wonderful day!

Bought some biotine for dry mouth. The bottle says it’s long lasting but I’m not so sure. My tongue has sores on it from being dry from lack of saliva from one of my meds. It is helping so that’s good.

I didn’t sleep last night and it’s almost 8 pm and I’m not tired.

Great to hear from everyone! Glad to hear your back @Nammu but sorry about your health issues. I wondered why you never post here.

I had a chill, low-key day. Right now, having things level out and slow down feels good to me. I can start to appreciate the little things again.

I wondered too why we haven't gone to the beach at all as a family all year. The town I live in is coastal and has a small, local beach. It takes all of 15 min. in light traffic to drive there. During the summer, the beach is much more crowded, but towards the evening most of the families with kids have left and it quiets down. I've always loved seeing the ocean. I'm going to suggest it once H has turned in his grant proposal on Wed.

I have a dentist appt. tomorrow, and H feels I am safe to drive there. It is an easy 5 min. drive from home. I don't really like driving, but I like knowing I can get about to run regular errands and keep appts. and such and not have to have H chaffeur me around when he has work to do..

Yesterday was my nieces' birthday party. We have a big family party (my mom and i on our side and about 8 people on theirs, plus my sister's family of 4). The party went well. The girls liked their presents. The food was great and zucchini chocolate cake turns out to be very good (they have a big garden with a LOT of squash this year). Everything went great until we walked out to leave and I stepped down wrong and fell out the door. I've had ankle reconstruction surgery and sometimes it just gives out. This was one of those times but it was such an awkward fall I am so sore today. I fell with my hip bent back so I was almost sitting on my foot. I mildly sprained my wrist and ankle. I scraped both knees and one hand. My back feels jarred. It was a nasty fall. I've spent today resting and taking ibuprofen. I bruised my pride as well....everyone had come out to see my niece open a very large present that was hidden outside that door so all 13 other people saw my not at all graceful exit.


This has been a rough few weeks. One week I had a hornet sting. A week or two after that I was sleep walking and bashed my head into my bedroom door frame. Last week I slammed my thumb in the chicken coop and may lose my nail. And now I've done this.


It's no wonder that I'm fighting depression....nothing is going easily. I see my therapist tomorrow and then it will only be 2 more times before my vacation followed immediately by his surgery. I'm scared of that.


What a summer...

Oo I’m sorry rainbow 🌈 about all that. It’s gotta be hard knowing you’ll be without your T for awhile.

Stressful day - my mother got released from the hospital. She's back at home now with her cat and favorite surroundings. I made sure that she could walk around her place, get food, feed her cat, and other basics.

My anxiety is really bad. It's involving my stomach and I've got hemorrhoids now because of it.

My pdoc stopped my Rexulti 6 days ago and I'm not having any withdrawal effects. Hopefully it stays that way. I'm still feeling low but I guess that's not going to improve anytime soon.

I finished my antibiotic for the pneumonia. Pain and coughing have stopped and I'm feeling better. Improving a little every day.

@Blueberrybook Congrats on getting your car keys back! I've never had those taken but I've had access to meds and sharps taken and it always has felt like a big accomplishment to get them back.

Today was lousy. My video game turned out to be for kids so i abandoned it. So much for my new hobby. Then my dog kept getting into debris in the dog-park. She's had a $1700 vet bill before from that, so i have to be really careful. I had to rush us inside. Then my support group social hour was disappointing. The guy i like wasn't there and a woman was hogging the conversation talking on and on about her family and extended family -- people none of us know and will never know. So i quit that too.

I felt angry and frustrated so i just lay on the sofa. I put on my Jim Gaffigan comedy specials and dozed to them. I feel better now. It was just a bad day, with three disappointments in a row.

@BeyondtheRainbow:

So sorry to hear of your bad fall and the pain you're in. Bad things come in threes, i've heard, so hopefully we both have brighter futures ahead.

@Blueberrybook:

Happy to hear you have your car keys and independence back. You're lucky to have had a soft landing from your high mood. I used to have wretched crashes. The beach sounds nice. I hope you enjoy it!

Hugs to all else!

@Blueberrybook It is great that you have gotten your keys back what a relief!
When I was manic when I was able to start over with my work
Hubby locked up my extra klonipin. I asked him to lock them up
for me and they are still locked but really need to start using
them so they don't go bad,
I need to rotate them.I have developed a new stock pile and
need to use the others up. I am very good about taking 1mg
at night to sleep.
some times I when I can't sleep I will get up and take a 2nd
one along with my prns zyprexa and remeron they knock me
out so I am groggy when I first wake up.
When I can't stop moving around and can't get comfortable
I will take extra requip I need to ask my pdoc to increase the
order to 2-4 tablets
at night so that way they will be there if I need them I normally
just take 2, some times 4.
With this last post i feel like My mood is some what elevated
My sleep hygiene is not good. I am on this computer far too long.
right before bed.
any way sorry for the long boring post! Bizi

I am sorry you did not sleep, do you have any prns? Meds to take as needed?

Up way too late - I am actually thinking about Galaxy Con and meeting William Shatner and having my picture taken with him. I feel like I am too fat for the picture, and why did I think it would even be a good memory to have : ( - but I won't let that get me down, (I hope). Watched some Star Trek II - Wrath of Khan with my boyfriend tonight to get me in the mood to meet Shatner. This is a lifelong dream for me and I can't believe it is happening in just three days! Getting nervous now.

I am so glad you got your keys back @Blueberrybook !! I would be so devastated if I couldn't drive - so much of my independence relies on it, so glad you were able to reclaim it!!

I am so sorry of your troubles @BeyondtheRainbow - I know how it feels to have an avalanche of things one after the other, but my motto is: when everything has you so far down, there is nowhere else to go but up! I hope things improve soon. : )

As for me, it's nearing 2am and a bit of mania is setting in. Obsessing about this Galaxy Con and preparing for it. It's my first real Sci-Fi convention in North Carolina since all the Comic Cons I used to go to in New York. So exciting!

Just checking in. I am doing okay at the moment. Just trying to deal with my Borderline and other issues. Unfortunately, there isn't much activity in the personality disorders pages. I do have bipolar but it the NOS one. My main diagnosis is BPD. I have replied to this forum before. I will keep reading the previous posts and check in every once in a while. Time to get back to my music now.

I love Star Trek. I would love to meet Shatner. I can't afford it though. Have fun.

Doing fine okay so far. I didn't go for a walk today because I woke up tired even though I slept 9 hours. I guess it's listening to my body and doing what is best for myself.

I have a dentist appt. this morning and H gave me back my keys so I could drive there myself. It is only a 5 minute drive from our house, so I will be okay.

I only got 3 hours of sleep. I just keep thinking of my son and him in a tiny cell. This is crazy!