Bipolar Check-in #80

I'm still around, just feeling quiet. There's no news in my bipolar. I am still steady on mild depression. I oversleep and overeat. I'm a recluse except for taking my dog out. I toyed with going back to competitive Scrabble, but the emotions are too intense so i quit. I discovered this amusing mode of playing on my phone in a cheesy silly app called Scrabble Go. I just play against the AI set really low so i win every game and don't get angry.

It was a rare cool Summer day here and i went out with no hat for the first time in months. I shaved my head in Winter when i got mad at it and it grows super slow. Now it looks like i just have a far-too-short haircut, but it's not horrifying like it was.

Glad you're feeling good @Blueberrybook and it sounds like you're doing what you can to keep a lid on it and not let it get out of control. When i'm hypomanic i also try hard to modulate my mood but after a certain point i just don't care, it's such a relief to feel good for once. Hope you can avoid that fate.

I had the best day. After my horrors in animal sitting I got home Monday. Tuesday I had therapy (1 hour 10 minutes each way) and a quick trip to Walmart. Wednesday we got up early to go see a museum exhibit in another city. So I hadn't had a chance to rest in those days. Today I thought I had to go pick up a package from the post office that they refused to deliver for a reason that made no sense but they delivered it today. I don't know. So I read for a while and took a 2 hour nap. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for supper because it's easy. The only thing I did was pull the trash can up the driveway and get the mail, then I put some things in the shed for my mom and chatted with her for 20 minutes or so. Then I came in and have done nothing worthwhile all evening.


I feel so much better. I was so tired and I think I am less tired now. I still need a couple quieter days. Tomorrow I have to go the pharmacy and Sunday is my nieces' birthday party so I will be planning another day of rest and quiet for Saturday.

All that stress started to melt away when I told my therapist. 3 more sessions before he goes on leave and I see this random person every other week for a while. So dreading this.......

Idk if this is considered being manic or not. Or just feeling better after feeling crappy for so long. I've had a big increase in energy. I'm leaving the house more. I'm really into healthy eqting and getting into shape. I'm not impulsive though and I haven't done anything risky. I only get irritated when I don't feel good. But I've been feeling better so my irritation isnt that bad. My sleep has been shyt but I think its because I've been waking up in pain. I've had some racing thoughts. I don't know.

Just an observation, but your posts over time seem to have gone from mood disorder stuff to mostly posting about what you eat/drink and what/how many times you vomit. For me personally, I've had to detach a bit because coming here and reading you threw up 7 times in a day and aren't eating much/mostly eating low calorie foods (that are pretty easy to purge at that, and it seems you keep eating foods that consistently make you throw up so that concerns us too and makes us think you're not taking your GI upsets seriously) is a bit triggering for the eating disorder I'm just barely starting to recover from. There are also others on this site with EDs that could find a lot of the content in your posts triggering too. Is it possible for you to minimize talking about everything that goes in and comes out of your digestive tract for our sake? Maybe make your own thread in the health support forum for you to post it if you need and focus more on mood stuff here (stressors too, but if it's the stuff you've been posting it'd be appreciated if you could keep it more general and/or put it in a trigger box)?

I care about you, man, but I also care about the community as a whole, and I'm trying to care about myself too. I want to see EVERYONE healthy by doing what's best for them.

I am so sorry you find your visit so trying and can't get the money to help with your dog's condition. I take it you can't talk to your T while there? Could you call your T and see if a phone session is at all possible?

I think it is wonderful you have held down a job for so long, especially with bipolar. Has your biplar mostly been stable with meds or do you still have a good deal of ups and downs? The longest I have ever held down a job is 1 month so I don't qualify for that disabiltiy or the other type (forget what they are called) because H earns too much. H also teaches at university, but engineering. He is up for tenure after next school year and is working hard to get the positive tenure review. But I think he'll get it just fine. He's just anxious about having to sell himself to the higher level committees that he doesn't know personally.

I love music too but H and I and daughter are all not musical. BIL is though. He teaches band at school and goodness plays just about every instrument in the band along with guitar and piano. My sister is a lucky woman!

Wow! Candle making sounds like an awesome job! I'd like to learn that I think it is great that you are freelance. Does it give you more flexibility in your work?

Sorry about alcoholism. Thankfully, that is one problem I don't have. I grew up in a non-drinking family, H doesn't drink, my sisters don't drink. Neither of us have a religious thing against it; I'd have the odd drink or two when I was dating oh, and I did have wine with dinner with the host we stayed with when when evacuated for Harvey, but only one glass. I haven't touched alcohol since then since H isn't a drinker either, I guess I just never saw the point. And of course, pdocs always are like no drinking on meds.

Ok sorry. I'll stop with the food stuff. Its just everyone was talking about their own issues that were basically the same all the time. Like sex and ODs and drugs and SI and S. I didn't know mine were any different or any more triggering.

OMG, raspberry! I am SO sorry your mom found out about your book! Did she flip out.

I feel you with the trip down memory lane into sexual abuse. Sometimes I take it because one instance ( Coincidentally, every time since then I usually fall apart and am in the psych hospital around November/Decmeber. That time of year is SO hard for me. Sometimes, the trip just happens without a trigger. Does that happen to you too?

But I do think it is good you can write about it, as a novel or otherwise. Sometimes I think if I could get it out journaling, it might help. But I find myself unable to start. I hate dwelling on it.

Rape and sexual abuse are HARD to get over. Sometimes I wonder if you ever do?

I'm sorry you are dealing with depression, even mild depression and being a bit of a recluse. I am too, mostly. Back when you were playing competitive Scrabble, it sounded like you had fun at first and then were stressed about it.

I think my mood is starting to moderate. Still up from where I was, but a week ago H said I was out of control and when pdoc said he'd see how I was doing in a week, H told me he wasn't sure I could make it that long.

Sometimes a rest day is what you need. You sound like you have been very busy! I'm glad you got to see your T. Hou old is your niece turning? I have 3 nieces: I forget their ages but they are going into 4th, 6th, and 8th grades. They are growing so fast! The oldest 2 are my height already, but I'm only 5'4".

Sorry if I missed anyone!

@MuddyBoots
You know. Sorry you had to experience an ED too. I definitely know what that's like (which is why it is in my signature). I still struggle with those thoughts.

As for me, I'm still a little elevated. I think it's getting somewhat better though. Better enough that H is going into work today and leaving me home with my daughter. Though daughter is 16 and pretty much sleeps, surfs the internet and texts all day. I suppose that's typical at that age. I have a nephew who is 17 and my sister says he does the same except he plays more video games and texts a bit less.

I only slept 5 hr. last night (broken sleep 3 times). Better than 3 hr., I suppose. I went to bed early, but DAYNM! 300 mg of Seroquel and 50 mg of trazodone only knocked me out for 2.5 hr. That used to be good for 8-9 hr. a night. I got up at 4 AM even b/c my cat jumped on me. She is a bit overweight and it's always an OOMPH! when she takes a running leap and jumps on me in my sleep. But sometimes she settles on me or right next to me in bed, and their is nothing quite so good as having a purring cat right there with you.

I walked this morning. Around 30 minutes. I was aiming for exactly 30 min. I'm a bit OCD but I don't talk about it much because it's minor, I feel like a fraud half the time to even mention it, but walking or jogging, I really aim to return home exactly on the hour or half hour and/or on the exact mile or half mile. I rarely do unless I walk 3 or 6 times around the block and I don't do that any more because it is BORING! I LOVE to walk/jog to the park. I power walk a little after warmup, maybe 10 min. then slow down but I still have to swing my arms like power walking b/c I have Raynaud's and in warm/hot/cold weather my fingers swell like sausages if I hang my hands down walking more than 5 min. outdoors. But I've found even walking at a slower pace, this method has the benefit of toning the upper arms.

I usually stop a bit at the park. I like to swing some on the swings. It's cheesy but FUN. Today I couldn't swing though b/c there were still puddles of water and mud on the swings from recent rains. Best of all there's a working water fountain in the park, so I stop there too. And the sidewalks don't have debris and cars blocking them, so I don't have to walk in the street. I saw they put quite a few tension weight machines outdoors in the park, and they are not at all in use this time of the morning. After I get more used to walking, I want to try them out.

I still have pressured talking. Now, I usually go into a room where H is not working while he's busy with his work at home. That way I don't break his concentration.

Still writing posts that are too long. I have that problem, unfortunately. No longer having delusions of talking with God, though to be honest, I kind of liked the convos with God. They were interesting. Half the time I almost WANT to actually go into psychosis because then I hallucinate with the God convos and that is SO interesting, not scary. But I also black out most everything else that happens with in psychosis, whole days even and wake up in a psych hospital, confused where I am. Last time it was restraints, whole nine yards, made worse because I'd lost my voice too from yelling and couldn't communicate with any personnel AT ALL. That in itself was another notch on the old PTSD belt.

Haven't overspent yet today, and I didn't go walking until first light though I REALLY wanted to go while it was still dark. Walked in the street again, but the sidewalk here are always blocked by vehicles & debris, uneven, more dangerous than the road, I think. Better concentration. Not great, except I can concentrate to write on this forum?! Still feel all my ideas are BRILLLIANT and must be shared with others!!

Life is SO good, and I don't want hypo to be over though H and daughter do. I haven't been able to stay in hypomania this long while on meds before going into psychosis, so I'm enjoying it. At this rate, I'll be down by the weekend, and I'm afraid because deep depression usually follows my manic episodes. I often skip over the stability step

Thank you! It’s okay though. Many of us have written or continue to write some stuff that can be posted, just maybe going overboard or too detailed or neglecting to put certain things in a trigger box or labeled as a triggering post. All we can do is our best, learn from other’s input, and be better.

(I do realize this is coming from someone who gets intense with some substance use and SI, but I am aware, and I am working on it. I would be happy to receive input from anyone on how to make my posts more “bipolar check in” friendly)

@MuddyBoots

You are so right. Mentioning our stuggles with bipolar is important too.

And for me:
SHYT! H left for work and I searched from my car keys which H and daughter are still hiding from me and I didn't find them. I REALLY want my car keys. My mania has definitely moderated so WHY can't I have them?!!

I am spending WAY too much time on MSF! But THANK YOU everyone for providing me with an outlet at this time. I can't dump this stuff on daughter or H and have trouble journaling without it feeling forced.

I love how supportive this community is and I love all of you

I have two cats, one is named Mustachio and the other is named Mocha. Here’s pictures of them

I’ve been sleeping a lot. Ever since my abilify was increased to 30mg I seem to have to take a nap every day mid morning. I’m feeling good and stable I just need to get myself to exercise because I’ve been slacking with that a lot. So I’m gonna get on the treadmill today. Watching a new anime I’m enjoying. And have been reading a lot.

I’m about to make a coffee and finish a book I’m reading.

I’m trying to use DBT to make wise mind decisions because I can be very impulsive. Also been keeping track of my emotions and also a log of activities I do that make me feel good.

Reading has been really good for me. It reduces my stress levels a lot. And it’s a good way to improve my focus which is really bad. Practicing ukulele and violin is always very beneficial to me as well, and any kind of art. Drawing, painting, coloring. Eventually I want to learn how to crochet. I have the supplies for that but idk where to start with it. It’s supposed to be super relaxing. And you can make a lot of cool stuff. That’s the kind of stuff I have to use beginners mind with otherwise I get angry and frustrated if I’m not perfect or improving at my hobbies “fast enough”.

There’s gonna be an adult coloring night at my library so I’m gonna go to that. It’s at the end of July. Will be a good way to get out of the house and do something fun.

I meditate and journal every single day and those are very helpful as well.

I got up around 6:30 and I took a shower and then I got my haircut without any anxiety. It looks good and I don't look like a scruffy bear anymore. I'm glad to be feeling better. Then I went to Platos Closet and I found the exact Nikes low dunks I wanted for $60. They are normally $115 if they are even in stock. They are in my exact size and everything.

So things are going pretty good. I had bad anxiety when I woke up and I felt like I had the plauge or something. I took a valium and 2 Tylenol at 3:30 along with my AM meds, but I normally take my meds a couple hours earlier and I need to take them at the same time or I get weird. I haven't taken the other 2 valium yet though.

@Blue_Bird
Reading is really good for me too. I hate that I can't concentrate well enough to read more than a few pages right now though. I hope I can read again soon. I will have to return my library books before I can finish them, and several of them have holds queues so they can't be re-checked.

I did one of those adult coloring book pages this morning while listening to Spotify! It is calming. I used markers though so it went thru the page onto the back picture, but I don't think I'd have ever colored the back pic, it was pretty boring. I didn't have the patience for map pencials and didn't want to do crayons. Maybe next time. I sucked at staying in the lines, especially as I got close to finishing the pic.

H was sweet when he left this morning, told me not to stress myself out at all, that daughter can do the dishes & take care of the cats if I need her to and to call if I need anything. He said he'd pick up dinner.

I've managed to do the laundry and even boiled an egg to make tuna salad without burning down the house! Better than my last manic episode, that morning, I tried to boil an egg without water, somehow poured out then dumped the burning hot egg (shell & all) once I smelled it burning on the stove straight into the trash along with the pot, starting a fire in the trash can, setting off all the smoke detectors at like 4 AM and stinking up the house. I was lucky I didn't set a major fire that time!

I am trying to watch my show on TV but keep detting distracted by every little thing; I have been trying to get thru a 45 min. episode since 8:30 AM and it's 1 PM now. I watch 5 min., get distracted, watch 5 more, etc. I'll finish it today yet! At least I can follow the story now which is more than I could do a few days ago.

Pawpaw is gone. It doesnt feel real

So sorry for you loss @HALLIEBETH87