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MuddyBoots
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Default Today at 02:33 PM
  #901
@Blueberrybook, I think you're referring to the term "kindling" where each episode is like adding a log to the fire. I'm literally only 27 and it's been 9 years since my first full-blown mania (probable hypomanias prior, which in that self says something), but seriously, they used to hit hard, fast, but it was more the "dance around, sprint the streets at night, randomly drive to the beach for sunrise, write and write and write and write, clean EVERYTHING," sorta deal and it'd last at most a couple weeks. That first real mania was an anomaly at that time, and even then it was only a week (before the police dragged me to the ER and I got a shot of zyprexa). From I want to say 23-26 my manias progressively accumulated more and more dangerous and regretful acts with health consequences that definitely have shaved some years off my life.

On meds they'd have a slower progression, but really that just gave me a reason to think "it's not going to be as bad as last time, I'm not sleeping THAT much less than I was a few days ago, and I 'normally' do these things (when 'normally' only accounts for the past week)." I think the first five years after being dx'd with bipolar I've only had first responders come out to me two or three times. Last five years it's been once or twice a year. Shyt. That doesn't feel good to realize. My concentration is always crap though. Too many drugs (and I think lithium was the worst of them all for me haha. Maybe it's because at one point I had a 4.2 level, but either way)

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MuddyBoots
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Default Today at 02:36 PM
  #902
@raspberrytorte, you definitely sound a lot more leveled than recently. Love it! Glad things are going well with ezine too! You enjoy your Sleep Token haha.

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MuddyBoots
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Default Today at 02:56 PM
  #903
I'm listening to Meg Myers-Monster a lot these days. Still not over the past relationship. Makes sense since I'm freaking waiting on results from STI testing... I feel awful because I thought my hep was treated, but it wasn't, and they probably have it now, and they get around a bit. Thinking of that Morgan Wallen song lyric "I don't feel bad for you, but I feel bad for him."

But now Papa Roach- Forever came on, and I feel like youtube is trying to tell me I don't do well in relationships but it feels like my pubis is shattered. I sorted things out in my room a bit and found a bunch of shyt people have given me over the years, and I had to throw all of it in a drawer only to take out when I want to remind myself everyone is going to leave in the end. A lot of it was from my past partner that did not survive while we were together. I think about her a lot. Her family hated her. Her dog was the greatest good girl ever, and I miss going with the two of them to the park and roughing around. I remember that time we hiked this mountain at midnight tripping on shrooms and just stared at the stars forever. I taught her how to ski, but not really. I just got her good enough on the greens and taught some emergency skills so I could take her on some blues because the greens where we went were too boring.

Possible trigger:


I need to stop thinking about all my failed relationships. I guess that's all of them....

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Default Today at 04:13 PM
  #904
@MuddyBoots

That's really sad about you and your past girlfriend. 😭 The relationship you describe you had with her sounds so deep and beautiful and touching. I'm so sorry that happened. 🫂 ❤️

@Blueberrybook

Yes. I've definitely gotten worse with age. I didn't have my first psychotic break until I was 31 years old! Something about becoming a new mother triggered something in me. I couldn't handle the stress of working full time and taking care of a newborn then baby then toddler. And Daughter was a good baby and toddler! Sleeping through the night at four months, rarely cried or had any tantrums, even when she was teething. I didn't have my first OD until after she was born. I got PPD really bad that lasted for at least two years! And even her birth was easy. All natural, no epidural or pain meds or anything. Only seven hours of labor. She's always been a good, easy going kid. I just couldn't handle being a mom for some reason!

I mean, I love it now. ❤️ It's absolutely divine. I can't imagine life without her. She's so funny and creative and talented. Likes to write a lot. Taking after me. 😊 And she's a VERY talented artist.

Anyway, so yes, has definitely gotten worse sadly, but I have a good support system (though Therapist is kind of questionable at times and Dr K just retired and I don't know about Dr A yet) and my meds and am on SSDI so I don't have to worry about freaking out at work anymore.

So everything has worked out. 😊

I'm supposed to take 50mg of seroquel in the morning, afternoon and 200mg at night. The morning dose makes me a bit sleepy because I take it with my morning loxapine, but the afternoon dose doesn't. I just take a hour and a half to two hour long nap in the morning and wake up feeling better.

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LadyShadow
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Default Today at 05:05 PM
  #905
Hey guys!

So glad to see everyone posting as usual. I always love seeing you all, I really do. Coming here gives me so much hope, because I feel so much less alone, which I think is the whole point of having this bipolar fellowship that we have here on this thread.

I think your story is so touching @MuddyBoots - I love seeing what you write and all your thoughts. I would read any book you come out with! Just whatever you write, whether is be stories or just an anthology of thoughts, poems and ideas. I want to write my book too; it's just a matter of getting the discipline to put it all together.

Today was an amazing day. I went to an AA meeting looking so rough, (because I dressed for the gym with no makeup) and still got asked out to lunch, lol. I told him I had a boyfriend, but it was nice to still get noticed. I ended up going to the gym alone because all my buddies couldn't make it, but I managed to do two hours by myself, which I was really proud of. Got home and ate lunch and kind of just flopped on my bed from being so tired, but managed to pull myself up and start laundry and start cleaning my house.

Moodwise I am pretty level. I am sleeping more, which was a worry for me just last week. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday and enjoying their weekend so far.

Bipolar Check-in #80

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Default Today at 05:26 PM
  #906
@LadyShadow

Thanks! You have a good rest of your Saturday too. It's great you got noticed and asked out! Woohoo!!!

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Default Today at 05:45 PM
  #907
@MuddyBoots

That is such a tragic story you shared about your past partner.. So sad. It's not a wonder you'd be broken up about it. Thinking about failed relationships can really get a person down in the dumps, especially if you don't currently have an SO. I definitely read your book!

@LadyShadow
I'd read your book too! You have such an interesting and positive story to tell about how you overcame so many obstacles along with your drinking and gotten sober. You have such a wonderful, FULL life!

@raspberrytorte
I didn't have my first psychotic episode until I was in my 30s and postpartum too. My daughter was born when I was 29, almost 30. I had been treated for major depression along with the ED in the past, but looking back, I see signs of hypomania all throughout my 20s and some questions I was embarrased to answer truthfully to the pdoc of the times: hypersexuality, overspending, etc I'd had bipolar all along and been misdiagnosed. After my daughter was born, I too was diagnosed with PPD and put on Zoloft. I know the current thinking is not to breastfeed on any psych meds, but in those days, it was thought it was safe to nurse on Zoloft. I breastfed for 2 years. Then, I showed up at a scheduled pdoc appt. crazy manic, pressured writing notes all over the place and all over the waiting room, talking a million miles a limit and my diagnosis changed to bipolar I. And finally put on bipolar meds. But I didn't have my first psychotic break until I was 35 or so. Lately, I've had them in 12 month intervals.

I too did not like the new mom stage, except for nursing. Daughter was an excellent breastfeeder & she was not crying when she was nursing. I didn't much care for the early toddler stage and terrible 2s and early 3s either. But after that, I started enjoying motherhood, and once your child is out of elementary school and can relate to and handle more grownup topics all around, you are so right, it is divine! And it's also great when you can stop watching cartoons, kiddie TV (esp. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!), and tween shows. Though I have to admit even tween shows with real live people are better than small kids' TV.

Heck, we ALL have interesting stories! I'd read any of your books too!

I took a LONG rest period this afternoon lying in bed and listening to music. I chilled out a little and even read 5 or 6 pages in my book (couldn't even get through 1 paragraph last night). I'm a bit more mellow. H says I always seem to get agitated around 10,11 AM then my mania calms somewhat late afternoon but will often rev up at night. Too many thoughts floating around in my head just lying there TRYING to fall asleep.

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Bipolar 1, PTSD, anorexia, panic disorder, ADHD

Seroquel, Cymbalta, propanolol, buspirone, Trazodone, gabapentin, lamotrigine, hydroxyzine,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
--Robert Frost
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