Bipolar Check-in #80

I went on a mini trip. I thought I'd be ok with the dramamine, and my med increases really helped my agoraphobia. I can go out to crowded stores now and not have any anxiety.

But my physical symptoms are still there. I was ok on the ride to the hotel but I drank a bottled smoothie in the hotel and then I threw up a bunch of times after that.

Today I was doing real good with my anxiety and agoraphobia. But my stomach sucked. I got a medium chai from Dunkins and an hour later I was puking in the front seat of the car in my moms empty plastic cup from breakfast.

But I'm glad for this major break in anxiety and I'm glad the med increases are helping.

I have to be at the hospital around 7 for my gastric scan. I can't eat after midnight.

Also that girl I knew who was faking dying for attention finally got busted. Got a PI to check up on her and found out she was scamming people.

Why do people want to be sick and will fake medical conditions? Like I was really hoping the psych med changes would take care of things for me.

Getting worried about the amount of sleep I have been getting. After dealing with bipolar for so many years, I know that the loss of sleep is a major factor in contributing to an episode.

I am wondering if the past two months of not taking my morning meds is starting to have an effect now. I did talk to my pdoc and she is okay with me stopping them, and as I mentioned before she is also discontinuing the Lithium - however only getting only 2 1/2 hours sleep last night has me a bit concerned. I did lay in bed an extra two hours, but with broken sleep because I didn't put my CPAP on. I might up my dose of melatonin at night and see if that has an effect, but that worries me too because of the mini hangover it gives me in the mornings.

I know my new relationship has an impact because of how excited I am about him and discovering things about each other. I hate to say that my excitement is mania, though. I really hate that every time I have good feelings about something, my fear in my head automatically goes to thinking its mania.

I don't know man, I don't know - this stuff is all pretty tricky.

'Tis the season to be manic
speed speed speed-speed speed...su-speed-speed speed

Waiting on a call from the good ole CM to meet up later. Cool thing is right now all my problems are caused by substance use and substance use only so I don't need help all I have to do is just not put any psychoactive substances in my body and I will be cured and successful and probably a neurologist.


"I am not in danger...I AM THE DANGER!"

I don't like being the danger. I do the calming chemicals until I can't stand.

eta: My case manager asked me if I did stimulants today. Like, hard drug stimulants. Am I that fking crazy? lol

I have my last appointment with my current psychiatrist on July 17th. 😭 Then I'm seeing some new guy in August.

Yeah. I don't know what's gotten into me! Jesus Christ. I've been acting out of character though. I need to make an appointment to see my primary I think. Something is wrong with me!

5 more days until Victoria's girlfriend comes to visit. I'm so nervous and the house is a mess. The shower ceiling isn't fixed. I have to clean and scrub the table and cabinet.

Thanks for the info!!

Okay. My hypersexual situation has become intolerable!!!!! I NEED TO BE DOING IT ALL THE TIME. Sorry for the tmi. I came to the realization that this is our daughter's last week of school. She's starting summer vacation next week. No alone time! No adult fun time!!!!! I'm going to have to get creative. This is seriously becoming painful. All I can think about is my husband. Today he told me not to rip anything when I pounced on him. Right now he's setting up our daughter's new bed and he's getting all sweaty and it's really turning me on. This is becoming a serious problem! I swear I've never been like this before! Never!

Ugh. I'M DYING HERE.

I was able to get an appointment with the doctor my pdoc referred me to on Wednesday. It's a bit of a drive but well worth it if she can help me out.

I realized today that my anxiety has been through the roof for about a week-I think it was all connected to the autonomic test I had done last week. A woman from the doctor's office called with my results today-I wish it would have been the doctor because I have questions for him, especially since he didn't pass along any info about the part of my test that came up weird. I could message him but I honestly don't think he'd be very helpful since he hasn't really believed me from the beginning.

I had a great chiropractor appointment though! He continues to do as much as he possibly can to help me get back as much of my physical health as I can.

I haven't been too hungry today. I think its from quitting soda and mainly drinking water. but I have to stop eating in a bit and I know I'll be ravenous once I can't eat. So I just drank a 12oz glass of fruit punch. And it came up very suddenly and with great force, it was honestly quite impressive.

Now I just feel dehydrated but more juice isn't an option and I don't feel like eating. So I'll just have some water.

I have to leave my house at 6:30 and I need to take a shower Once I get there I have to eat a basically radioactive grand slam breakfast. Eggs. Bacon toast. All that food sounds gross. Then I'm there for 4 hours while they see how well I digest it.

I can't sleep but I drank some water so I'm ok. I'm kind of worried about over sleeping. I need to get in the shower at 6

Oh my god. I even told him he didn't have to DO anything except lay there like the other night and he said no!!!!! I told him I've been dying FOR THE LAST SIX HOURS. He gave me a look of concern and said, "Do you think this is because of your recent med change?" I told him him no. I told him he was just THAT sexual. Ugh. I have to go for a walk or something. 😩

Edit: I just said I wanted to go for a walk and he said no because it's dark out and we live in a sketchy neighborhood. Damn it!

Edit again: Damn it again! Now all I can think about is how I want to go for a walk. It's a beautiful night out. No love. No walk. I wish we didn't live in such a shyt neighborhood.

Edit again again: Now he just said he'd be VERY upset with me if I went for a walk anyway because our neighborhood isn't safe and asked me if I've been having any hallucinations or delusions. I said no. I don't think so anyway. It's not my fault he's so hot!

Maybe a bit tmi, but I have a pocket rocket that gets the job done. When I was first on my shots I was so unbeliveably horny I could barely control myself. Like I'd have to stop in the middle of the afternoon while watching TV to go to my room.

But that just wouldn't be the same! I also get off on him getting off (in my mouth. Tmi! I'm sorry!). I think it's hot. I'm sorry. I don't want this to turn rated R or anything. I'm just having a serious problem here. Like, I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. I took my nightly 200mg of seroquel three hours ago and still am not tired. And I have a nasty, itchy spider bite on my leg that is driving me crazy!!!!!!!

But a few days ago I did tell him I wanted to go to the adult party store to go shopping for some fun couples stuff.

I just had a light bulb moment. More like an oh duh moment maybe. I think I'm hypomanic right now. I mean, I'm irritable, agitated, hypersexual (obviously. I'm sorry again! I can't help it! There's something seriously WRONG with me), happy, creative, and haven't been sleeping the greatest.

Duh raspberry!

Ayyyy, good insight!! You going to tell your pdoc? I know your last appointment is on the 17th but it’s worth a shot calling and leaving a message.

But to piggy back off of Dewed, pleasing yourself may be your only option when your husband won’t put out. Unless you want to completely fk up your marriage but I won’t go there.

I’ve had the “don’t go for walks at night” convo too haha. Just with my pdoc and for coyotes, bears, and bobcats.

Good insight! It would be worth it to call your pdoc and leave a message since your next appointment isn't until next month. You don't want to risk full-blown mania and psychosis. It's important to take care of yourself.

Not going to drink today! Getting picked up later by some dude and we are going out of town to a farm because wtf else is there to do?

This is NOT going to turn into any real relationship. Fk that. Just this one thing and then I’m going to show complete disinterest.

There is also a spot in my left eye I can’t see out of. It’s like when you have a spot in your vision that feels like there’s a bug or dust or it’s just super dry or something and you hardly see until you blink/rub it, but it hasn’t gone away and it’s been there like a week. The cool thing is if I lost vision in that eye completely but still have blood flow there’s a new place for needles lmao I’m sick plz help

Hey mud. I had a detached retina last year. It was like a quarter moon next to my nose. So since your eye inverts stuff, that meant it was really on the outer side of my eye.

Get to a dr immediately. You dont want to lose your depth perception, it puts you off balance. I ended up with a cataract in that eye after the surgery and that is an additional hassle.

I saw my pdoc today. It really is a pretty drive to his office this time of year, lots of trees, wooded areas, green grass, a nature bayou. I think I've been so depressed this past spring I haven't even been noticing how pretty it is. I had a good appointment, no med changes, lost 5 lb., but he said to come back in 2 weeks to be sure the Cymbalta doesn't make me manic. WTH? I heard the guy in front of me making an appt. for 3 months later, and I get 2 weeks between appts.? I know my pdoc is just being cautious, but I was hoping I could at least go another month before my next appt.

I had my scan today. I got to the hospital at 7. I ate the breakfast they gave me. Luckily the tech said I mainly just had to eat the eggs since they were the only parts that were radioactive. I ate the eggs and half a piece of toast and I drank the water. She said that was enough.

They then did a picture right away. Then they did one an hour later. Then an hour after that. Then the last one was done 2 hours later. I was so close to throwing up the whole time but they said they would have to cancel the test if I did. So I just really stretched out in the waiting room and surfed MSF and waited it out.

I was finally done around noon and I got a Starbucks refresher which I of course threw up once I got home. The results were already on the portal. The first test picture was fine. Pictures 2 and 3 were on the low end of normal. Picture 4 was low. So the final result was a mild delayed emptying of my stomach. So I think I may have mild gasterperisis or however you spell it. I'll have to wait to hear from my doctor. I'm hoping its just mild and won't get any worse because I've seen some real fuked up cases on Tik Tok.

Anyways now I'm just lying down and I don't feel good because of those shytty eggs.

I haven't been too hungry these last couple days and I don't know if its just from quitting soda or what.

No. I'm not calling. I see my therapist on Friday. We'll see what she says. I'll just remain as calm and inconspicuous as possible (I can do that). Besides, I feel GREAT!!! I feel fukking FANTASTIC!!!!

I would NEVER cheat on my husband. NEVER. The thought of having sex with a random man disgusts me. My husband is a sex GOD. HE IS GOD STATUS. NO ONE CAN SATISFY ME THE WAY HE CAN. So I must hold out. No matter HOW uncomfortable I may feel. My husband is the GOD of love. ❤️ 😍

Luckily I got some this morning, but I'm already intolerably uncomfortable again, like I need to take a cold shower or something. Christ. Our daughter is done with school now, so I won't be able to possibly get any love from the GOD until around 10PM tonight. Damn it. This is ALL I can think about. I can't concentrate on anything. Earlier today he was all like, "Can we PLEASE talk about something other than sex! We don't need to talk about it all day!" I told him he was THE sex god and I couldn't help myself. Ugh. This is TERRIBLE.

I'm going to attempt being creative now, despite how uncomfortable I feel physically and how all I can think about is my husband. He was playing his bass before and got all sweaty because it's hot as fukk today and it was really turning me on (not that I wasn't turned on already).

Oh my god. I'M DYING AGAIN!!!!!!