Harnessing hope and will to recover

I said I was fine and I'd do better, and yesterday wasn't too bad but here I am and I don't think I can stand literally. I've been drinking more, not a lot but at this point I know it's going to be hard to moderate if i manage to make money which I have enough for quite a few bottles of cheap vodka. and I know it's really bad but right now I don't feel anything and that's what I've been complaining about a lot, but this is like I don't even feel myself not feeling anything.

I'vef come to realize I'll never die based on the evidence when a lot of people wouldn't have survived some stuff my body been through. I could probably go back in time and jump off the 75th floor of the twin tower on 9/11 and manage with I don't know a concussion or some thing

I want to feel good when I do good. Not just in mania or intense BPD highs from anything like being validated by someone I love to straight up crazy behaviors. Maybe I would if I was okay for more than a few days. I don't even know if I'm in like a super depressed and don't care episode or mixed or manic or if this relationship has my BPD in overdrive. Not on meds so bipolar is essentially uncontrolled and I wouldn't be surprised. If my t and cm think I'm dangerously bipolar they could send me to the hospital and I'll be honest with the psych evaluator and they'll let me go because they don't give a f and then my therapist will be like "noooop, danger danger" and petition for an IEA like in December

Also, who tf approved 90dF heat today?

You know, you are so smart and knowledgeable about meds and carp. Splitimage on this site is in recovery and got some kind of job at her hospital or something i have no idea doing what. She used to be an accountant, but thats because she is old enough to have had a previous life. As Dan Quayle said, what a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or maybe that was George w bush. The original saying was a mind is a terrible thing to waste. And you have got a good one. Did we forget about school? No diss, i forget my so called plans all the effing time.

Yeah, we did say school was a good idea. I tried looking at programs and there's nothing I'm interested in at the local community college and everything I'm interested in at another state CC had an application deadline in January. Doesn't say when you can sign up for the semester after yet. I'm interested in the rad tech program, but I don't think they'll except me because my chem and bio classes were a long time ago and now I have a criminal record (which they say they'll look at). I'm trying to find something else that leads to a decent paying career that I could feasibly pass that I'm interested in.

I missed something. You have a past criminal record?

Yeah, simple assault this past winter.