Can't afford to screw up

So I'm out of AP and it's out of my system. I don't want to go back on it. I'm not sleeping and having harmful thoughts. I don't have a t to talk about these things to. I can't tell h and Victoria's friends are coming Saturday. They are constant thoughts in my head but if I don't act on them I should be fine.

I want to become a raw vegan but first I have to detox my body but h will fight that. I can't do that on medication because you have to eat 500 cal. With it. Who knows how many carrots that is. It's also going to get in the way of visiting my parents as they won't approve.



I know this is a start down a very bad path but I want it so bad. If I just can keep my thoughts hidden. If I can get through these next 10 days then I'll be golden. Then I have a month break before I have to act again. My pdoc keeps a close eye on me and wants me to update him on any side effects. He was pretty mad I didn't get my meds last month. I don't want to tell him because honestly I don't want to be stopped from doing what I think is right for my body. I do know I can't do art on my body without being hospitalized so that's a deterrent. I feel these thoughts are the real me. **** blocking dopamine.

I'd say I'm not Sza but that would be a lie. Can't there be treatment without medication? I like my pdoc. I don't see him until July 1st but it's only 15 minutes I don't have the time to sort this out with him.

It sounds to me like you're already in a bad place. Can you call your pdoc and leave a message? I know you don't want to go back on meds, but having all those thoughts, it sounds to me like you're going pretty far down a bad road and it will be a struggle not to act on them. You need to take care of yourself.

I just woke up from a nap 9-1 isn't bad. Anxiety is trying to kill me. I just have to act okay. I can do this. I'm not going to call the doctor because if he changes my medication I won't get it from the pharmacy for a week anyway. I don't want meds changed. I don't even want current meds. These thoughts are the true me and dopamine is my friend. I have to show up July 1st. So I'll tell him my thoughts are off then. I'll wait to get my current prescription then email him if and how to restart it. If I choose that which I probably will given h doesn't like me off medication.

My meds came. So crises averted if I take them and calm the **** down.

So I told h. He said we can change our diet but not full on raw vegan. I haven't ate today so I'm doing good detoxing. I think before bed I'll have mozzarella sticks. We have nothing vegan to eat so grilled cheese and mozzarella sticks for the next little while. Pb and j. Basically minimize my impact. Then get fruits, vegetables, and nuts. I still don't know how I'll get 500 cal. In one sitting. But we'll see how dedicated I am when the meds hit.

He said no to "drawing" and that it's good I know it'll lead to hospitalization. He assured me it would.
All in all it was a good chat.

@Victoria'smom

I'm happy to hear your meds came and you talked to your husband and the crisis has been averted. I was worried. 😟 I'm vegetarian at the moment but mostly vegan, like I'll eat a dessert if it has eggs in it or have ice cream once in a while, but I won't straight up eat an egg or cheese or yogurt or drink milk, etc. I'm trying to think of how you can get 500 cals in one sitting...

Peanut butter has a lot of calories in it. We get the all natural kind (which is just peanuts, without the added shyt) and two tablespoons is 180 calories. A banana is about 100 calories. I recommend bananas and peanut butter. When I was on geodon I was vegan of course, and I used to take it with a banana and a shyt ton of peanut butter. Seemed to work.

But yeah. It's tough getting 500 cals in one sitting. The most I can ever get, and this is RARELY, IS 400. I average between 300 and 350 usually, sometimes less. Like for lunch I had an apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter. Apples are 60 cals and the peanut butter was 90 cals.

Good luck!

I hope you like bananas and peanut butter!

Editing raspberry coming in:

Apples actually have 95 calories!!!! Jesus Christ! Shyt! No wonder why I'm so fat. I need to control my apple intake. Anyway, so apples with peanut butter work too.

Thank you, I can do apple and peanut butter. I'm allergic to bananas.

Yeah. It's quite the tasty combo, if I do say so myself. 😋

So I finally ate and took medicine.

That's good.

That’s great!

This is great victorias mom!

So I'm not obsessed with raw veganism anymore. I bought a whole bunch of fruits and vegetables. They'll never all get eaten in time. I blew our monthly food budget on them. No meat just fruits and vegetables. Can't say my family is happy with me. I learned I'm very picky about what I eat. So I did that.

I saw pdoc told him I'm getting angry for no reason. He wants to raise my AD after I come home with my service dog. I almost wrote him a note last night to up my antipsychotic because I was so angry. No idea why. I don't want to be like this at my parents house. I'm excellent at hiding my feelings even when psychotic.

I didn't tell him about the extreme diet or wanting to drawing on myself. I forgot. I really need a therapist to help me keep everything straight. I only remembered the anger because of the night before. I'm having trouble taking my meds too but I don't forget to smoke. It's turning into a habit. That I can't afford. Tonight I learned I live in a "bad" neighborhood. We took the bus to the local McDonald's (,8 miles away) for the $5 meal as we have no meat. They closed the inside so people can't eat there. There's to many homeless there. We walked by several drug deals in the open. However no one bothered us and I didn't feel unsafe. So instead of a $10 date it was $20 we split a pizza and soda.

I leave Sunday and have so much to do. I haven't packed or finished my gifts to the kids. I'm not feeling particularly cheery. I'm worried about my dog with my new dog. I'm filled with anxiety and anger. I really don't feel I can hold it together for a month. My head is hot and loud. I want to release this anger I just want to rest. Find some way to relax my body. I feel on the edge of sanity and taking me out of my environment is going to break me. I don't know how to describe what is going on with me because outside I look fine. Why can't I just be okay?

I wish you would accept your diagnosis and
accept the fact that you need your meds
in order to stay with your family.
I think you need to be honest with
your self and not ruin your marriage.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh.
I say these things because I care.

I do accept my disorder and know I need medicine. Since it messed up I've had trouble taking it daily and dealing with nausea but I am taking it.

how is it going?
how do you like your service dog?
again I am sorry if I hurt your feelings....
bizi

It seems like you actually do a good job at describing what's going on--at least here. I get that it's easier because of the difference in who's the audience. It's not that hard to fool a pdoc when you have some sense of insight and control (a lot of them say "they're not blatantly disorganized/not functioning/out of control/etc, and they're not telling me anything to be concerned about, they must be okay enough to get by"), so when things are rough you have to figure out a way to convey that--however you can. Lately I've been journaling a lot and have been sort of summarizing the big picture before appointments, just to give you an idea.

It's weird I'm with my parents and my dog camping but I just want to go home.

You are camping I hope you have bug spray...the last time we went camping I go chiggers bites. The marks about the size of a dollar coin took a while to go away.
good luck.
bizi

Told my pdoc last year about a hike I went on. She scolded me for not having bug spray and sunscreen haha. Didn't get either but this year the bugs are so bad I gave in and boy and I glad I did.