Relapse again

Hi all. I have been pretty stable for a long while. As the seasons change and I transition into June, this is the month that I am always triggered. I am struggling with my weight and I was working with my psych and primary doctor to wean off the high doses of my medications. I didn't want to come off of them, just wean off a little of Latuda so that I can lose some weight Of course looking back, I see that I was going downhill and wasn't realizing it until one day I had suicidal ideation and had to tell my 19yo daughter because she was the only one home with me at the time. I made the counseling appointments and got into an emergency session and have them set up twice a week and went back up to my original doses.

I felt horrible because I had never shared these struggles with her and now she is burdened with my illness. It has helped in that she is sharing her own mental health struggles now and I am thankful for that.

I have been having physical psychosis in that I have felt like bugs are crawling all over me all the time. I am having dreams about about my suicide and family finding me. I am not suicidal so I am in an ok place right now.

My question is, for months I have been pursuing things outside of my 9-5. I wouldn't say grandiose things but definitely a leap out of what I do. I have a coach, healer, mentor, etc all to align myself with starting this new idea. The thing is I can do it, I have the resources, I know the people, I am capable but now I don't know if it was all just months of mania. Now, I feel like I have stepped back to 2014 when I was trying to find my stability. Are we allowed to have dreams and aspirations or are we too fragile to have those big ideas? I have a good job and a great husband and daughter. I feel like I should be content with that but I am always in the clouds wanting something bigger. Any thoughts or ideas on this? Do any of you struggle with this?

My diagnosis is severe major depression with psychotic features. I had a bad breakdown around 10 years ago. I think my mental health is cyclical in spite of the meds which keep it at bay... it seems to be under the surface all the same. It ebbs and flows...

In my case, I am developing a list of markers to help track my mental health. I think there are apps for this.

As well as coming up with a crisis plan.

It mightn't be a bad idea to have your own crisis plan that you draw up with your psychologist, so that it's in place. You can discuss it with your family so they know what is involved, but you can also identify other "safe" people to whom you can open up about SI, instead of your daughter. No need to overprotect her, as part of becoming an adult is learning that our parents are human beings, but at the same time not overburdening her.

Anyhow, perhaps someone else who has bipolar will respond better than what I can.

Btw, have you heard of the book "Touched with Fire" by Kay Redfield Jamison? She is a psychologist who has bipolar herself. It might be worth checking out her book.

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. Welcome to the bipolar forum.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom right now but I hope you'll jump in (the check-in thread is great) and get to know us.